Amateur Poker Association & Tour

Poker Forum => General Discussion => Member Blogs => Topic started by: duke3016 on May 28, 2008, 14:32:08 PM

Title: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 28, 2008, 14:32:08 PM
Given that my brain cells are shrugging off their mortal coils at an alarming rate, I must be mad to start this.

I will attempt to put into words experiences that are encountered at the poker table (and off it). If I type something in within 24/48 hours of it happening I might have a chance. Also I might need to take a few notes during the action because for some obscure reason recollection after some of them is sketchy, to say the least.

First one will be tomorrow after tonights home game that includes a few APATers

Other main upcoming events

3rd Virgin Festival (luckboxed a satellite)
Pre Forum home game
Forum Challenge

Watch this space (clock started for a suitably witty Kinboshi reply)

EDIT: The webcam for the home game will be live tonight from 19:15
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 28, 2008, 18:41:56 PM
Webcam is now live.

Players tonight (APAT handle in brackets)

Game 1 (10)

Myself
Carl (Shogun)
Dafydd (ScouseDJ)
Jason (JayCbee)
Dan B (DanielB)
Dan G
Llyr (XXLOJXX)
Andy O
Andy B (Slider)
Matt

Game 2 (11)

Minus Dafydd & Matt
Plus Scotty, Wayne, Adrian

Should be some fuel for the blog with that lot of Fish/Bolshie btards/Agressive players


Watch the webcam and see the fireworks  ;D ;D ;D (picture taken every minute)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 28, 2008, 18:43:26 PM
You can find the previous game results and current league standings at

www.chezger.co.uk (http://www.chezger.co.uk)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on May 28, 2008, 20:04:15 PM
Went looking for the Webcam footage moments ago - is it not happenin?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Eck on May 28, 2008, 20:23:16 PM
http://www.chezger.co.uk/forum/index.php?PHPSESSID=15137bf60a61c594e2b2841bf481aab6&topic=80.msg925#new

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: HaworthBantam on May 28, 2008, 21:05:36 PM

Neil, you"ll need to sign up to the forum before the images are displayed.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 28, 2008, 21:41:32 PM
No you dont on the main chezger page click on the webcam link -- oh and by the way i"m out -- fk my life
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on May 28, 2008, 22:00:20 PM
I have signed up for the Forum anyway. I followed the address of the pic and refreshed and all is fine now.

I"m railing now, shuffle up and deal!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 28, 2008, 23:56:21 PM
My life sucks -- so does my poker --- out in the second game
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 28, 2008, 23:57:36 PM
more to follow when I am ok (or sober)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 29, 2008, 09:51:54 AM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on May 29, 2008, 22:28:41 PM
These blogs are great...highlight of season two so far.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: billyho10 on May 30, 2008, 09:24:10 AM
absolutely lovin the blog duke, keep up the entertainin work!  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on May 30, 2008, 09:27:10 AM
THIS Blog IS most entertaining.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 30, 2008, 09:57:44 AM
Blackpool tomorrow for the £200 deep stack freezeout with a goodly clock. Dan (DanielBlythen) is making the trip as well and the MSN chat went something like this last night.

Dan: You still going to Blackpool
Duke: Yep

Dan: Right I'm going as well
Duke: Great, I'll drive

Dan: We going to get a B&B for the Sat night
Duke: The tourney starts at 3pm so it probably won't be too late a finish I might just drive back, it's only an hour

Dan: You not drinking ????????
Duke: Gonna play this one sober

Dan: sry just picking myself off the floor
Duke:

Dan: We could get a cheap B&B so we could have a couple of drinks
Duke: Nope. I'm taking this one serious

Dan: I usually just sort one out when I get there
Duke: NO

Dan: Be a pity not to have a couple of bevies while Chezger are on tour
Duke: NO

Dan: We need not start drinking until later on...
Duke: Like that's gonna happen

Dan: You know it makes sense, you can relax when you know you don't have to drive home
Duke: OK let's go for it.


There goes another tourney  ::)

Fk my life

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: daniel b on May 30, 2008, 10:16:17 AM
You do know it does actually make sense lol, i think you play better p1$$£d anyway, also im lookin forward too admiring the blackpool attractions if you know what i mean ;).
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: coprey on May 30, 2008, 10:19:39 AM
I think your friend Daniel talks a lot of sense.  ;)

Luv the blog, thanks for the laughs. ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on May 30, 2008, 10:56:59 AM

Blackpool tomorrow for the £200 deep stack freezeout with a goodly clock. Dan (DanielBlythen) is making the trip as well and the MSN chat went something like this last night.

Dan: You still going to Blackpool
Duke: Yep

Dan: Right I'm going as well
Duke: Great, I'll drive

Dan: We going to get a B&B for the Sat night
Duke: The tourney starts at 3pm so it probably won't be too late a finish I might just drive back, it's only an hour

Dan: You not drinking ????????
Duke: Gonna play this one sober

Dan: sry just picking myself off the floor
Duke:

Dan: We could get a cheap B&B so we could have a couple of drinks
Duke: Nope. I'm taking this one serious

Dan: I usually just sort one out when I get there
Duke: NO

Dan: Be a pity not to have a couple of bevies while Chezger are on tour
Duke: NO

Dan: We need not start drinking until later on...
Duke: Like that's gonna happen

Dan: You know it makes sense, you can relax when you know you don't have to drive home
Duke: OK let's go for it.


There goes another tourney  ::)

Fk my life




;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 01, 2008, 13:34:22 PM
Chezger hit Blackpool for the £200 freezeout in the G. Myself and Dan were to set off at 11ish when I noticed a text from RichEO sying his car was kaput. So we took a little detour via Manchester to pick up the man who hasn"t seen daylight for at least a year.

We arrived in Blackpool parked the car at the Casino, booked into a B&B and sauntered back to the Casino. The plan was to stay sober for the 3pm comp.

"What you having" -- "Carona NFL" --- ooops fk my life

Anyway the comp had £15k starting chips and a 45 minute clock, good structure.

Remember there were three of us in the car, and we ended up in seats 3 4 5 on the same table after discussing our personal strategies & tactics on the way u - fk my life  ;D

Anyway we plugged away with RichEO as usual building his chip stack steadily -- the man is good. After 3 levels I was still on 15k, grinding or what. Dan had a couple of runs and was sitting on 40k -- two hands later (10 10 v A K - K on river) (77 v 99 to a 5 card flushed board and no club) he was out. After 7 hours I was on 20k -- call me the grinder from now on, I"m tighter than a ducks arse...

It"s easy poker then with blinds 1k 2k it was all in or fold -- allin with A J - man dwells for a while and calls with QQ I go out in 12th -- what was he waiting for, christmas - fk my life

RichEO is still in (he went a little later) so with a complete disregard to our own needs, myself and Dan decide to do a little recco on behalf of the APAT forum trip in July. We visited various "entertainment" establishments and have a short list drawn up.

We left Sunday morning in order to drop RichEO (out of tourney up in cash - he runs good) and the frigging wipers packed in and it was pissing down - fk my life.

I stopped at the side of the motorway and RichEO gets out and fixes the wipers. Well he pulled the passanger one so far to the left it stuck on door jam. Well at least the driver one was still working.

We dropped RichEO off and Dan says "I"ll sort it these wipers - I know a thing or two about cars" - BANG - fuse gone and no wipers at all -- fk my life

Called my favourite organisation, the AA "Hi my name is Duke and I"m an eejit"

AA man fixed it and off we go, two miles later it"s packs in again... Oh well I had a good time

Good friends - good spot -- great life -- priceless. 
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 02, 2008, 10:42:25 AM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 02, 2008, 22:35:44 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 11, 2008, 16:35:08 PM
Home game tonight and as can be seen from the YTD league table I am down in mid table. This I assure you is a reflection on my game at the moment and I seem to be severely over playing hands to try and get out of the rut.

I did take a break from my usual grind and played a few PLO STT"s These were indeed a refreshing break from the usual and I would recommend to anyone that if their normal game is suffering change codes for a few days it works wonders.

I am back on the winning trail again and raring to go. Haven"t done a whole lot to warrant entry in this blog and the next big one is the Virgin Fessie at the end of the month (yes I did luckbox a seat on-line).

So in time honoured fashion here is tonight"s plan

1. Stay sober
2. Only race when confident I"m ahead
3. Don"t commit all my chips on ANY kind of draw
4. Stay composed and calm in the face of blatant sledging
5. Do not resort to underhand talking tatics against other players
6. Take any beat with dignity.

Will edit those 6 points tomorrow. Any bets on which ones get broken (I suppose 1"s a given  ;D )

Good company - Great Craic -- priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 12, 2008, 10:23:09 AM
1. Stay sober (You figure)
2. Only race when confident I"m ahead (Was ahead -- still lost FML !!)
3. Don"t commit all my chips on ANY kind of draw (Yaheeehh didn"t do this)
4. Stay composed and calm in the face of blatant sledging (Nope)
5. Do not resort to underhand talking tatics against other players (Couldn"t resist)
6. Take any beat with dignity.


Normal service has been resumed -- no points last night

1 out of 6 is an improvement for me --- Never mind Good Craic -- Priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 15, 2008, 17:37:26 PM
The reason I am not in Dublin this week end is because I committed to helping in a charity event for this weekend. I am just back from that and here is a little report...

Chezger personnel are not usually noted for their, shall we say, exploits involving physical exercise. However this week end saw them take on the 24hr three peak challenge. Well when I say them, I mean Jason (Jaycbee) was one of the walkers and I was one of the drivers.

We were part of a group of people from the Computer Department at work and were raising money for charity. For those of you who don't know the challenge. It involves walking to the top of the highest mountains in Wales, England and Scotland all within 24hrs (that's why I volunteered for the driving FFS)

7 intrepid walkers in 3 vehicles with 3 designated drivers started at Snowdon at 9am Saturday morning. As they started off the drivers set off for Pete's eats in Llanberis for a full fry up (it's a hard job but someone has to do it). The walkers completed that task in 3hr 10 mins, I was tired typing that FFS..

We were like a scene from the "Italian Job" when we headed off for Scafell Pike in a convoy (well instead of souped up minis we had two Picasso's and a 307sw). We arrived there shortly before 4.30pm. As they set off we retired to the local pub for Lamb Hotpot (alternative challenge for the drivers is three meals in three countries, tough job eh). They completed that walk in 3hrs 35min, they were flying.

We set off for Scotland and the last peak of Ben Nevis. Driving through the night we arrived at the base at 2.00am. They set off, head torches blazing and the drivers had a kip (hard job this driving, I however didn't sleep a wink. I don't mind driving  Picasso but I wouldn't like to live in one). They reached the peak (which completes the challenge) at 06:15 which means they finished the challenge in a staggering 21hrs and 15 mins. Well done to all the walkers...

As for the drivers, we kept to a schedule (even if at times we looked like we were going for pole at the British Grand Prix) and we covered 997 miles (I am seriously knackered). So a big up for the drivers as well.. (Oh and we had a breakfast in Fort William completing the driver challenge of three meals in three countries in 24hrs).

I have never been to any of these before peaks and let me tell you although the driving was tiring the scenery certainly was not. It was stunning, these areas are well worth a visit, even if like me you don't do a lot of waking. I can only imagine what the views were like at the top of each peak.

And let me assure you imagining the view from the top is all I will be doing....

Although I may take the train to the top of Snowdon, and a very nice train it is too..
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 19, 2008, 19:56:43 PM
Last nights home game was class as usual Andy has opened up a huge lead in the YTD (B52BOMBER on BSQ) watch his arse tonight I am gonna woop it. Although in one particular hand last night against him I have recognised a huge failure in my game.

I am **** at reading, **** at folding and absolutely crap at poker - that about covers it.

We both flat call flop comes with  8d  7h   6h

I am holding  ah  9h,

Andy is first to act bets I call, turn is  7d,

he bets I call, river is  8h.

He fires in a bet that is most of my chips. What have I put him on? well I have put him on highish pair (**** read as it turns out) I have the nut flush can I get off it -- NO WAY fk my life he had pocket  8c 8s.  Could I have got off it earlier, don"t know I think so.

Later on I filled a set of A"s with rag A in the pocket I knew Danny had an A and I still called his all in -- bad play, I knew he had it why did I call -- don"t know must try better.

Anyway - good company -- great craic -- priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 02, 2009, 18:23:42 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 02, 2009, 18:36:43 PM
January 2nd 2009

Wasn't Phil "the power" Taylor awesome last night 109 average is there no-one that can beat him this year. There are a lot of people who complain that he does not get the national recognition for being at the top of his profession for the last 16 years. I think he does, OK he isn't an MBE/CBE/OBE bar and ribbons, but he gets well paid and he is recognised within the darting community as the greatest ever.

It was a struggle to get up for work this morning (something to do with a few bottles of very nice Chilean Merlot). On that point I purchased a home breathalyser thingy and have started to use it prior to leaving the house in the morning. It is an indication only but I will not leave the house until it glows green. My job allows me to work from home on the very odd morning it was glowing amber/red over the festive period.

On the poker front I had a strangely profitable Christmas, the children had gone to their mother's on Christmas Day and I played a few MTT's and do you know what, all the other players were playing worse than me. I finished Christmas Day up $600. This was a one off and I have resolved to be more selective in 2009 about which games I get involved in. This is mainly because I do not have the patience or the will to be focused at the tables on-line so I think a few very small micro stakes for 2009 for my fun poker (a man's gotta know his limitations) and reserve my recreational bankroll for the APAT series of games.

I have not played any poker other those 10c 360 runner games on Pokerstars  this year. OK OK I know it's only the second day, but hey that's restraint for me. Even though these games are a complete idiotic all in fest early doors I managed to cash in a couple. In fact I am up $2.40 for the year, if I keep this up I will be showing an on-line profit of $438 for the whole of 2009 (dances a jig around the room). I am reserving my strength for the APAT on-line games and, if I am lucky enough to gain a seat, for the live ones as well. It is such a goodly amount of poker for the year that I think that will satisfy my lust for the "higher" buy in events.  In previous APAT seasons I have luckboxed my way to a National second day (7 hands with AA helped in that one) and to a complete set of on-line medals (G/S/B) and enjoyed immensely the games and the craic. I am certain S3 will be even better with the added bonus of Son of Duke accompanying me, both on the virtual felt and in the bricks and mortar.

This whole league of cities thing has me excited and I am on the Liverpool team. I think it is going to be tremendous fun and very competitive. At the moment I am trying to arrange a "bonding session" at Chezger so the team can meet and talk strategy for the coming season. That last sentence was a pile of crap, we will get smashed and have a great evening...........

Impromptu home game at Chezger tonight -- 9 runners -- Will give you all the gory details tomorrow.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: HaworthBantam on January 02, 2009, 19:46:28 PM


I have a laugh when I play and that will not change, I do not make a profit, however I also do not make a significant loss either, and that suits me. I have a good job that pays well and as far as jobs go in this current environment it seems "safe". Nothing is certain in this world but the fact that I would never make a living out of poker is as certain as night follows day.



I like your attitude, Ger, very healthy imho.

I shall look forward to your ramblings.......
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: technolog on January 02, 2009, 23:47:04 PM
Great posts Ger. Nice to see the blog back up and running, long may it continue. Keep smashing the Stars 10c 360 runner games!

Hope to see you at Walsall (http://blondepoker.com/forum/Smileys/default/pray.gif)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 03, 2009, 13:19:50 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 04, 2009, 12:55:25 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on January 04, 2009, 14:35:28 PM
Great to have you back blogging Ger and you write very well.  Last post ftw.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 04, 2009, 15:09:26 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 04, 2009, 15:33:49 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 04, 2009, 16:25:25 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 04, 2009, 16:46:37 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 04, 2009, 17:16:56 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 04, 2009, 18:23:33 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Dewi_cool on January 04, 2009, 19:56:07 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 04, 2009, 20:05:30 PM

I agree by the way, being in Galway drinking Guinness has nothing to do with it ;)


Unlucky in the tourney by the way -- you are in the right place to gain some solace
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: HaworthBantam on January 04, 2009, 22:45:38 PM

A fair rant about the Guinness, imho.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 05, 2009, 17:36:29 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on January 05, 2009, 22:43:51 PM
I merely scan over most posts of this length, but I read every word that"s typed by this guy. WP Your Dukeness!

LOL"d @ " ... not very good at forward motion ... "

Phil Taylor - A Machine!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Trademans on January 06, 2009, 00:31:29 AM


Great Stuff Ger, keep it coming!  WP Tonight n all, sure you will be on to tell everyone about it........ ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 06, 2009, 00:33:17 AM
especially your "allin when behind" three times  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Trademans on January 06, 2009, 10:00:07 AM


Got the chips in the middle first....  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on January 06, 2009, 10:18:48 AM
Loving the blog Ger, Ive been chuckling away this morning.  Fab read and cant wait for the next installment
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: HaworthBantam on January 06, 2009, 10:50:50 AM

Like Neil, this is one blog I"ll read every word.

On the subject of bad drivers - Fog lights !! Hate them, hate them, hate them.

"Oh, it"s foggy, I"ll put my fog lights on and rear dazzle everyone behind me". Prats !! When there"s a car behind you, it"s obvious he/she can see you, turn the fecker off !!!

Rant over....
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on January 06, 2009, 13:45:01 PM
Feckers around my part think it"s ok to have your brights on when behind another car.  Turn them off when a car is coming from the other direction and back on as soon as they"ve past.    

[ X ]  Fog lights can be handy   ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 06, 2009, 17:42:46 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 06, 2009, 19:23:31 PM
I read today that a woman set fire to her man"s ***** cos she was a little miffed at his supposed infedelity. "I only wanted to have him to myself" what"s she going to do with a burnt one FFS, keep it in the fridge for special occasions. Anyway, tragically he jumped up and knocked over the fluid she was using and set fire to himself completely and later died in hospital.

It"s a strange world we live in

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/7812875.stm (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/7812875.stm)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 06, 2009, 19:28:01 PM
Just ask Laxie -- Ireland is a beautiful and wild country -- here are a couple of my bad photos

(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/Ireland_Feb_2007_019.jpg)

(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/web_picture_115.jpg)

(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/web_picture_126.jpg)

You might guess that I am homesick
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 06, 2009, 19:43:59 PM
OK tonight is the $5 rebuy -- I have banished the wee man to the couch and we shall see what we can do in this -- you might think we will collude but I can assure you he is soooooo competitive the little fecker would lie just to get my chips.

I don"t know about you but I don"t subcribe to the "let your children win" brigade either. All during his life his Mother used to nag me (hmm trend there) about letting him win and I never did. I always tried my best at every combatative game we had and you know what.

Chess -- no sweat to beat him until he was 12 since then he spanks me. When he won for the first time the pure joy in his face was worth the hassle from his mother.

XBOX/PS games --- don"t go there he has battered me at those for years

Darts -- we have a board and he is getting good -- its even at the mo

Poker -- sigh just sigh

I think we sometimes remove the competitive edge from our Children when we let them win -- might be wrong

However -- SUMO Wrestling --- he has a long way to go ---- lol
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: HaworthBantam on January 06, 2009, 20:12:17 PM

I think we sometimes remove the competitive edge from our Children when we let them win -- might be wrong


Sounds right to me.


Chess -- no sweat to beat him until he was 12 since then he spanks me. When he won for the first time the pure joy in his face was worth the hassle from his mother.


Same with me. Beat my dad for the first time when I was 12 - great feeling, and all the better for knowing it wasn"t a "gimme"
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 07, 2009, 17:29:47 PM
Last night was a bit of fun, next Saturday will be serious. Who am I kidding, prepare yourselves for some pure unadulterated naked aggression, you have been warned. Son of Duke seems to be a chip off the old block when it comes to shipping in his chips on marginal hands. Must have a word. It's the first game of the new Chezger year tonight and my New Year resolution is to take this league more seriously. However I enjoy the nights immensely and will probably play as bad as I did in 2008, we'll see.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 07, 2009, 17:30:21 PM
Anyway today is the day that Christmas is officially over and I for one am not really sorry.

Its commercial overtones are completely over the top and the spirit is lost IMO. I know that generally people have more disposable income than my parents had but it is sad to see the obscene amount of money spent at Christmas as parents bow to peer pressure in order to satisfy the god that is retail. Don't get me wrong when you have young children the delight in their eyes when the rip off the wrapping paper is very satisfying. However I think that children have come to expect too much in the way of Christmas presents and if the latest, greatest version of the current "must have" present is not under the tree, they actually feel annoyed.

You are of course free to spend your money whatever way you wish, and this is just my humble opinion.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 07, 2009, 17:31:01 PM
In the news this morning Nigel Clough has taken over as boss at Derby.

The job of a manager in football these days is tough enough, but he will always be compared to his Dad. This is unfortunate as he has done a great job at Burton and is probably ready for the step up to a bigger club. I hope he does well and is judged on his own merits and not put under any pressure because of the exploits of his illustrious Father.

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 07, 2009, 17:31:42 PM
Credit where credit is due.

I feel I must congratulate Des on his moderator appointments.

There are some forums that have moderators who are a soulless lot and this could be due in turn to the clientele that frequent those particular forums. APAT moderators are full of fun and friendly banter and are due a drink from me when we meet (If I can beat Des to the bar).

APAT is the best run forum with the nicest bunch of people who post there and long may it continue and prosper.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 08, 2009, 17:31:19 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: sc0t679 on January 08, 2009, 19:14:39 PM
great reading m8 what a laugh, unlucky with your ak , looking forward to the undertaker tales  lol
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 08, 2009, 19:39:05 PM
We were in the shop one day when John Nash came in and said he hadn"t seen D I Hogan for a few days (no one called him by his first name but he was a District Inspector so the D I stuck). So me Da called my mother out to the shop and we headed down to his house. He lived alone in a little shack in Coolreagh that was to say the least a little run down.

We drove up to the door and did a little recce around and the ould lad thought he saw D I in the bedroom (how he could see through the window I"ll never know).

"OK Ger break the front door down"
"Feck off Da you"d better call the Guards"
"OH FFS I suppose we"d better, but they are fecking useless you know"

No mobiles that time so we went to Nash"s house and called the guards. A while later Guard Daly arrived and looked at the house.

"Is he in there Michael"
"Of course he is you thick shiite" (My father didn"t really get on with the Guards)
"OK I will break in the front door, stand back"

He took a step or two back and ran at the door hitting it a good belt with his shoulder. He bounced off and measured his length on the path

"FFS" said the ould lad "Ger, the door"

Now I was a fit lad in those days and well, one well placed boot in the lock area and the door was open. Guard Daly (rubbing his tender shoulder) said officiously "I will go in first and secure the building"

Secure the building FFS it only had two rooms. Well 5 seconds later he was back out throwing his ring up on the path.

"Is he in there" the ould lad inquired inncoently, as he strolled in the door. A short while later he shouted "Ger in here NOW". I went in and D I was there in the bed alright and he wasn"t a pretty sight, he must have been there a good week or two. Anyway we wrapped him in the bed clothes and the ould lad drove back for a coffin. While we were waiting Guard Daly radioed in and got a Doctor to come out to confirm that D I was indeed deceased.

The doctor left after saying D I was indeed dead (he earned his money that day) and We were left to carry the body out of the house in the bed clothes (you couldn"t turn the coffin in the small hall) When we placed the body in the coffin some air was expelled and Guard Daly promptly fainted.

"Fecking Guards, good for feck all" said the ould lad as he left for the mortuary leaving me to revive Guard Daly.

Sensitive soul  my father.......



Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: technolog on January 09, 2009, 13:05:56 PM


He bounced off and measured his length on the path



;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 09, 2009, 15:25:23 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: HaworthBantam on January 09, 2009, 16:39:29 PM

Fantastic, Ger. I like the sound of your mam and dad - brings back memories of my own, like never take your ex-boxer Dad on even if you are twice his size....  :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Swinebag on January 09, 2009, 17:05:34 PM
This is a truly remarkable read....I"m feeling inspired
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: antthecat on January 09, 2009, 17:13:53 PM
wow what a read, its brilliant
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 09, 2009, 18:26:19 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: technolog on January 10, 2009, 09:52:48 AM
Best yet Ger!  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on January 10, 2009, 10:31:17 AM
Fantastic read Ger! :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 10, 2009, 11:54:14 AM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on January 10, 2009, 12:07:03 PM
Quote
And I assure you NONE of these was my fault


LMAOOOOOOOO!!!  The Garda Station and the poor cow HAVE to be explained!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 10, 2009, 12:41:27 PM
Earlier on I touched on a regret about a certain Pauline Wade. Well Pauline lived in Loughrea, County Galway and I used to travel there fairly regularly. It was approx 55km but hey I was in lurve... Now to get there I used to drive from home through Scarriff, Whitegate, woodford and on into Loughrea.

Now Woodford has a right angled bend at the top of the main street and facing in the Loughrea direction on the apex of this bend was the Garda Station, so I faced it directly on the way back. Well , I was coming home late in the morning after a night of passion and feeling good. I must have lost concentration in my euphoria as I approached the bend in Woodford. (That"s my excuse and I am sticking to it)

Consequently I hit the Garda Station double doors head on and demolished them, pushing them inwards and ending up with the nose of my car nudging the desk. I was OK and as I gathered my thoughts the lights came on, and there behind the desk was Sergeant Nolan, resplendent in his tunic top and thermal long johns.

"Good Morning Flight Lieutenant" says he (dry sense of humour FFS)
"Morning Sergeant" Says I
"Oh it you Gerard, How's your Father" says he
"Fine" says I (beginning to feel a little surreal at this point)
"Let's get this car back into the street" says he

We pushed the car out into the street and it was surprisingly fairly OK except for the lights pointing at the ground. A few sharp cracks with the hammer and these were as good as they will ever be. Standing in the street surveying the damage with the two doors looking a little worse for wear.

"What happened ?" says he
"I hit the doors" says I
"obviously" says he
"I think it was a patch of black ice" says I
"In June ?" says he
"Strange weather we"re having" says I
"Aye" says he "How"s your Mother keeping ?"
"Grand" says I
"Fine woman, you must be breaking her heart" says he

"Anyway do you think you can get that thing home" says he
"Yes" says I
"Oh and you will pay for the door" says he
"Of course" says I
"Give my regards to your Father" says he
"Surely" says I
"On your way then" says he
"Bye" says I

I drove home and went to bed and when I got up in the morning I thought "Nah that didn't happen" I saw the car "yes it did", I got the bill about three days later for £100, cheap at half the price.

It would only happen in Ireland......... 
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on January 10, 2009, 13:35:39 PM
Quote
And I assure you NONE of these was my fault


:) ??

(http://www.net10.co.uk/APAT/forum/pinocchio.jpg)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on January 10, 2009, 13:51:54 PM
OMG Ger this is just priceless...I am thoroughly enjoying your posts I have sat here and laughed so hard with tears in my eyes the kids and stan are wondering what is wrong with me, so much so, stan is firing up his laptop as I type.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 10, 2009, 14:04:37 PM
Glad you like em Mary - sometimes I think its a little boring to listen to someones ramblings - but encouragement is much appeciated -- Now to recount the court case with Mikey Luke without leaving myself open to litigation
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 10, 2009, 14:50:37 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on January 10, 2009, 15:28:59 PM
Awwwww, the poor moo cow.  It"s official...yer a moo cow killer, but might let you off on the lack of moo cow headlights...maybe.  lol  

50/50 on the moo cow and 100% yer baby with the Garda doors. 

Next case(s)!!!:

Quote
Ford Cortina mk III
Cut a telegraph pole in half (6 foot off the ground)
Flew into farmers field and ended up upside down
Scrapped
 

Go on then.  Splain yerself.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 10, 2009, 15:31:15 PM

Awwwww, the poor moo cow.  It"s official...yer a moo cow killer, but might let you off on the lack of moo cow headlights...maybe.  lol  

50/50 on the moo cow and 100% yer baby with the Garda doors. 

Next case(s)!!!:

Quote
Ford Cortina mk III
Cut a telegraph pole in half (6 foot off the ground)
Flew into farmers field and ended up upside down
Scrapped
 

Go on then.  Splain yerself.


Post Office charged me for the fecking pole as well -- the whole story later
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on January 10, 2009, 16:10:58 PM
This is a fantastic read Ger, top class story telling and you"ll be getting my vote next December.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 10, 2009, 16:30:25 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on January 10, 2009, 17:21:58 PM

My early job in De Beers was to clean industrial diamonds with acid, this was not a good job but hey, it kept me in de beers. I applied for a job in the IT department after two years of this and got the job as a junior computer programmer, and I have been in IT ever since.


Obvious FYP.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 11, 2009, 12:05:41 PM
On last nights APAT online championship game.

First of all a very well done to the FT people and especially to the1,2,3 placed  winners.  There was plenty of play early on and it was a great night.

I thought I played as well as I possibly could, given the cards I was getting. I managed one good pot when I had KK and finished up with a flush (the KK was good anyway if I recall) I survived longer than usual in these LOL. I was crippled when on 1k/2k I had QQ in UTG+1  and having 38k made it 12k to go (no snide comments please LOL). Player goes all in for 35k and it's back to me. Hmmm I did think for a while, which for me was a new experience, seriously I did. I called, he turned over 10 10, happy enough until the flop A 10 A and I was down to 3k and didn't recover (I did flop my own house when all in with J 4 next hand LOL).

The wee man got a lesson in how to play when getting feck all cards last night and enjoyed himself none the less.

My point is, I was happy with my play and happy with my overall approach to this tournament, I got beaten end of, it happens. I was happy with the tournament and had a great time.  I can't wait and will be back for the rest of them with a smile on my face and steel in my heart.

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 11, 2009, 12:36:19 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 11, 2009, 13:15:18 PM
I don't know if any of you have sampled the delights of the illicit brew that is manufactured in Ireland. I am of course talking about the beauties of Poteen. It is a liquid revered by some for its therapeutic characteristics (or its mind blowing 90-95% abv) and its name is derived from the Irish word "pota", meaning pot. It is mainly distilled from potatoes in small holdings halfway up the mountain. A little known fact is that since about 1989 the revenue allowed legal production for export. FFS the world won't know what hit them. It is a peculiar drink in that your head is clear when you've had a few but your legs will not obey the commands from your brain.

Tom Nugent used to brew it outside the village and I would get a bottle every couple of weeks, not to drink. I used to mix it with olive oil and use it as a rub before playing rugby. I smelt like a cross between a brewery and a chip shop. When buying it he would insist you tasted it first, fun days LOL..

An old joke involving this potent brew...

Priest: "Haven't seen you at mass lately Tom"

Tom: "Not much faith these days father"

Priest: "The power of God is all around you. Why just yesterday I rubbed holy water on a woman's stomach and she passed a baby"

Tom: "That's nothing Father, I rubbed poteen into the dog's ****** and he passed a motorbike"

Have a good day  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 11, 2009, 15:29:27 PM
From the archives of Chezger"s webcam..

Besides when they are going to eat RichEo what else do you think these APATers are discussing  ;D ;D

(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/3333.jpg)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on January 11, 2009, 15:33:26 PM
... if it"s a good idea to have 14 to a table ... ?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 11, 2009, 15:37:49 PM

... if it"s a good idea to have 14 to a table ... ?


LOL there was only 10 but this end was most significant in poundage
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 11, 2009, 15:58:10 PM
got an Email today entitled - "Wanted dead or alive at a casino near you" with this attached.

Not a bit like me FFS

(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/saddam.jpg)

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 11, 2009, 16:25:23 PM
Talking of pictures -- from the APAT in Weiner Nunstadt (European champs)

(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/jack.jpg)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: jacklevel06 on January 11, 2009, 16:56:59 PM

From the archives of Chezger"s webcam..

Besides when they are going to eat RichEo what else do you think these APATers are discussing  ;D ;D

(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/3333.jpg)
How the feck is Jack still in.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 11, 2009, 19:13:54 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 11, 2009, 19:35:15 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 11, 2009, 20:05:30 PM
We had a supermarket and lived in a bungalow attached to the shop. One morning, very early, my father shook me awake it was about 3am

"Get up" says he
"Uh" says I
"Get up and get your shotgun" says he

Wide awake now

"What's up Da" says I
"We have robbers in the shop get your gun" says he.

Now I am a big lad and so was the ould man.

"whoa Da we can deal with it without the gun" says I
"Get the gun NOW" says he.

Well the gun was in the wardrobe and I retrieved it with a belt of cartridges. The ould lad took the gun, fed two shells in and put the belt over his shoulder. All the way through the hall and the kitchen I was pleading with him to put the gun down and we would deal with it.

"No fecking robber is fecking going to fecking rob my fecking shop" says he (he was on form that night)

We passed through the small store and into the shop when a shadow passed the front door and bugger me if the ould lad didn't let go with both barrels. The glass took the brunt of the shot and shattered and the ould lad took off running jumping through the hole where the glass was and fed two more shells into the gun and let fly up the road and he wasn't aiming high either. A distant figure could be seen legging it up the road too far away for the shot to do him any damage.

The ould lad gave me the gun..

"feckers, get the brush NOW" says he

We were never robbed again.......
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on January 11, 2009, 20:27:59 PM
LOL im loving these Ger, gr8 job keep it coming.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: HaworthBantam on January 11, 2009, 21:30:32 PM

You should put a book together, Ger, fantastic reading.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on January 11, 2009, 22:17:00 PM
Magic! I"d like to hear one / two a day tho as I"d hate to think he might run out and be forgotten about in the 2009 Awards :"(
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 12, 2009, 07:02:35 AM
Right off to Sunny Swindon in a few minutes and the delights of the "magic roundabouts", I am there for three days on business and might not get to this blog what with hotels and being on expenses...........

If the hotel has wi fi you never know -- I"ll be back on Wednesday in the $5 rebuy. I excel at rebuys -- not....
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 12, 2009, 17:56:46 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 13, 2009, 10:39:44 AM
We used to deliver groceries to people in the outlying areas who had no transport, pillars of the community us (or mean grabbing b*stards).

Anyway, I was delivering up the mountain to the last house in the road where lived one Mike "mowley" McNamara. He was a bull of a man if a little slow in the upstairs department. Would give you the shirt off his back and then beat you to get it back.

My very first encounter with this man was in Minogues Bar in the village. He didn't come down the mountain much but when he did he would stay for a while and get absolutely plastered. Anyway he walked into the bar and had a tray of the most obnoxious looking vegetables that he had grown himself. They were awful. Denis Minogue obviously saw my face and whispered.

"Buy some off him" says he
"What" says I
"Trust me" says he

Mike trust the tray under my nose and the smell was awful, I picked one particular manky looking tomato and placed 50p on the tray.

"Thank you sir" says he waiting.
"I'll finish my pint and get some salt before I eat it" says I with a sincere look on my face.
"Good Man" says he

He went over to another man, a stranger to the village and thrust the tray under his nose.

"Feck off" says the man
"Oh Oh " says Denis Minogue

Then the scene exploded, Mike dumped the tray on this guy's head and proceeded to kick the Shiite out of him, tables were over turned as we grappled with Mike, God he was a strong bugger. As quick as the fight started it was over. The stranger had legged it and Mike picked up the tray and thrust it under the next man's nose. He did a roaring trade.

Back to the grocery delivery..

I was going down their long drive to the house when a car came out and I was forced to move to the left. Crunch, my front wheel when into the ditch. The other car kept going and I got out and the wheel was well and truly in the ditch. Mike walked up the road took a look and lifted the front of the car effortlessly out ditch and back on the road.. One of the strongest men I have ever met.  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on January 13, 2009, 13:10:43 PM

We used to deliver groceries to people in the outlying areas who had no transport, pillars of the community us (or mean grabbing b*stards).

Anyway, I was delivering up the mountain to the last house in the road where lived one Mike "mowley" McNamara. He was a bull of a man if a little slow in the upstairs department. Would give you the shirt off his back and then beat you to get it back.

My very first encounter with this man was in Minogues Bar in the village. He didn't come down the mountain much but when he did he would stay for a while and get absolutely plastered. Anyway he walked into the bar and had a tray of the most obnoxious looking vegetables that he had grown himself. They were awful. Denis Minogue obviously saw my face and whispered.

"Buy some off him" says he
"What" says I
"Trust me" says he

Mike trust the tray under my nose and the smell was awful, I picked one particular manky looking tomato and placed 50p on the tray.

"Thank you sir" says he waiting.
"I'll finish my pint and get some salt before I eat it" says I with a sincere look on my face.
"Good Man" says he

He went over to another man, a stranger to the village and thrust the tray under his nose.

"Feck off" says the man
"Oh Oh " says Denis Minogue

Then the scene exploded, Mike dumped the tray on this guy's head and proceeded to kick the Shiite out of him, tables were over turned as we grappled with Mike, God he was a strong bugger. As quick as the fight started it was over. The stranger had legged it and Mike picked up the tray and thrust it under the next man's nose. He did a roaring trade.

Back to the grocery delivery..

I was going down their long drive to the house when a car came out and I was forced to move to the left. Crunch, my front wheel when into the ditch. The other car kept going and I got out and the wheel was well and truly in the ditch. Mike walked up the road took a look and lifted the front of the car effortlessly out ditch and back on the road.. One of the strongest men I have ever met.  



by god i hope you said thank-you!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Trademans on January 13, 2009, 18:33:15 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 13, 2009, 18:52:31 PM

Still waiting for the blatant brag post "ive satted into Wallsal?"  no game review as yet?


Played two hands, got lucky, limped into the last 22 -- nuff said
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Trademans on January 13, 2009, 21:53:30 PM


Still waiting for the blatant brag post "ive satted into Wallsal?"  no game review as yet?


Played two hands, got lucky, limped into the last 22 -- nuff said


result....   ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 13, 2009, 22:22:49 PM



Still waiting for the blatant brag post "ive satted into Wallsal?"  no game review as yet?


Played two hands, got lucky, limped into the last 22 -- nuff said


result....   ;D


You knocked the wee man out of the $10 tonight -- don"t know if we can ever forgive you QJ FFS
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 14, 2009, 18:18:58 PM
Now following on from the "Rambo" incident when the ould lad thought he was Sylvester Stallone as we repelled the robbers. Well he repelled them, I was trying to stop him committing, in his words "justi-fecking-fiable homicide". When he was in full flow the swear words would often appear in the middle of the word.

The Guards arrived the following day to investigate the discharge of a firearm at 3am. Sergeant Nolan and Guard Daly arrived in full uniform and walked into the shop. I was stacking shelves at the time and stopped, drew up a chair and sat down. My father's hatred of the Guards was legendary and this should be fun.

"Well Michael, I am here to investigate a report of a firearm being discharged at 3am this morning" says the Sergeant

"What you fecking talking about" says the ould lad

"A concerned neighbour reported hearing shotgun fire this morning" says the Sergeant

"Concerned neighbour ? fecking nosey fecker you mean" says the ould lad

"This neighbour is adamant" says the Sergeant

"I can guess what nosey fecker it was and it was probably her old man letting rip a drunken fart as he got in from the pub" says the ould lad

The Sergeant sighed and looked around because he knew he would get no sense out of the ould lad.

"Michael, how did the glass get broken" says the Sergeant

"Bicycle banged against it" says the ould lad


Now it didn't take Columbo to work out that the glass was all on the outside,

"Michael, All the glass is on the outside" says the Sergeant, rather smugly

"Yes you fecking eejit, Gerard cleaned it all up this morning and put it outside" says the ould lad rather like he was talking to a child.

FFS don't bring me into this I am in enough trouble with the law as it is.

"Is this true Gerard" says the Sergeant

The brain thought "What a stupid question, as if I am going to contradict the ould lad"

The mouth said "Yes Sergeant"

"I'm watching you two" says the Sergeant (FFS why watch me) and they left in the squad car.

"Feckers, they wouldn't find a clue if it fecking bit them on the arse" says the ould lad.


More on the ould lad and his dislike for members of the Garda Siochana later ..



Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Trademans on January 14, 2009, 22:20:38 PM




Still waiting for the blatant brag post "ive satted into Wallsal?"  no game review as yet?


Played two hands, got lucky, limped into the last 22 -- nuff said


result....   ;D


You knocked the wee man out of the $10 tonight -- don"t know if we can ever forgive you QJ FFS


QJ is the Nuts Ger!  Especially against a Chezger residend  ::)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 15, 2009, 17:35:00 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 16, 2009, 17:54:42 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on January 16, 2009, 21:14:09 PM
I"m glad you"re getting these stories down Ger, there are some real beauties.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 17, 2009, 00:28:39 AM
My recollection is sketchy most times - but I am really loving doing this as it makes me happy to remember the great times I had between 1970-1988 (one notable exception was my first wife -- LOL). I hope you enjoy these ramblings as much as I enjoy typing them..................................
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on January 17, 2009, 01:23:02 AM
Absolutely loving the stories... I can easily identify some of the characters, every place had them.  Drop some pics in if you have them...
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 17, 2009, 01:28:50 AM
I would have to take pictures of the pictures if you get my drift. might try that actually.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 17, 2009, 01:47:26 AM
A little bit about my village -- plagerised quite a bit -- but hey did you think I knew all this stuff..........................

Nestled in the foothills of the Sliabh Aughty mountains, Bodyke is rich in culture and heritage. It is a village which changed the course of Irish history in the 1880"s when the Bodyke evictions became headline news. The name Bodyke may have come from "Both-Teig" (Teig"s hut), according to T.J. Westropp. The contemporary Irish form is Luban Dige (hence my BSQ name) but this seems to be a modern translation of the English form of the name.

my house is on the left of the picture

(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/bodyke_village.jpg)

The present parish of Bodyke consists of the combined medieval parish of Kilnoe and the southern area of the medieval parish of Tuamgraney. There is uncertainty as to the date of this amalgamation, it possibly occurred in the early eighteenth century.

Kilconnell is situated within the boundaries of the ancient territory of Hy-Ronghaile or Tuath O" Ronghaile which featured prominently in the "Wars of Turlough". There is little doubt that this region served as a war theatre during the conflict between the O"Briens and Richard de Clare in 1315. The place now known as Kilconnell in the townland of Ballinahinch was the scene of at least one Irish-Norman encounter according to the traditions of the area. In 1839 Eugene O"Curry mentioned that "Kilconnell is the name of a pretty oval hill on the top of which is a ruined low circular entrenchment. The place is now under cultivation, but some few years ago when it was being dug up and cleared away, great quantities of human bones were turned up from under the soil, some having been covered by large stones". He continued to relate: "There is a mound between Loughannaloon and Lough Bridget in the same locality, which they say was an attempt formerly made by an English army, who were encamped here, to defend themselves from an Irish army who were encamped at Toomguine, but having been surprised by the enemy they were compelled to fly to their camp where they were pursued and a dreadful battle ensued in which the English were worsted and the greater part of them put to the sword. They were all buried on the top of the adjoining hill now called Kilconnell, and the ditch or mound raised on that occasion retains the name of Claidh na nGall, i.e. the ditch of the English".

In the 1500"s and 1600"s common surnames in the area included Clancy, MacNamara, O"Halloran and Moloney. Many of these Gaelic families lost their lands during the Cromwellian Plantation in the 1650"s. They were replaced by names such as Bourkes and O"Callaghans.

Despite the Penal laws during the 1700"s it seems that religious practice in Bodyke was not unduly effected. Tradition has it that in the early eighteenth century Fr. Daniel MacNamara had a hiding place near Lisbarren Bog. There was a cottage chapel on the hill in Lisbarren overlooking Coolready Lake. The pathway from the chapel to the hiding place is called "Casan an t-Sagairt".

Today, Bodyke is a quiet, peaceful and comfortable village and has an active Community Development Association. The East Clare Golf Club at Coolreagh in Bodyke was officially opened in 1995. In 1998 it played host to a prestigious golfing event, the inaugural West of Ireland Seniors, a tour event on the European Seniors Circuit.

Bodyke is the home parish of novelist, Edna O"Brien and family historian, Dr. Edward MacLysaght.

see I know things..................
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on January 17, 2009, 01:47:37 AM

I would have to take pictures of the pictures if you get my drift. might try that actually.


Scanner FTW... or get the young fella to trace them.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on January 17, 2009, 07:53:06 AM
Quote

Scanner FTW...


+1

I have a couple of Scanners in my garage. If you don"t have one lemme know and I"ll send you one. A top read Ger, keep it coming.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on January 17, 2009, 09:56:59 AM
You can bring photos with you on your next trip to mine.  I"ll scan them while you hang out at the pub with the Lads.   ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 17, 2009, 11:15:58 AM

You can bring photos with you on your next trip to mine.  I"ll scan them while you hang out at the pub with the Lads.   ;D


Um -- Ger pointed out that the printer has a scanner whilst looking at me with a funny exprssion FML
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 17, 2009, 11:24:11 AM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 18, 2009, 11:51:52 AM
With the small problem we had with the APAT forum recently it reminded me of a quote that I came across years ago when I was progamming. I don"t know who said it or its exact content but it went something like this.


A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable key strokes, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless user community that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 18, 2009, 12:52:42 PM
Now in an attempt to get some ancient pictures up I have been experimenting and have found out that it ain"t easy, but I will persevere. Here is an arial one of our shop taken circa 1974 with the living accomodation to the left, post office and shop in the middle and the store to the right.

(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/our_shop.JPG)

The first window to the left of the Post Office was my Parents bedroom. Now during this time we were having some arguments about my nocturnal activities with partiular emphasis on the hours I was keeping. So I actually moved to our other house opposite the church
(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/bodyke_village.jpg)
and stayed with Margaret Ryan who ran the post office. How Margaret fitted in to the whole history of is another story, but she had worked for my Great Aunt Molly for years and was part of the furniture.

Now one particular Saturday my Father informed me that he required my car in the morning.

"I need to get the papers tomorrow and my car is fecked" says he
"Sound" says I
"Drop the keys through the fly window" says he
"Sound" says I

Well on my way back at some hour of the morning I cut the engine a bit back from the shop and coasted quietly into the car park in front. Stopped, stealthly opened the door, pushed the door shut with no noise at all. I approached the window and  climbed on the sill and reached into the fly window to quietly place the keys on the inside.

Simple -- oh no it wasnt, I dropped the keys and they landed, with a noise that seemed loud enough to wake the dead, on the inside.

"What time do you call this" roared the ould lad

I got such a fright I slipped and put my foot through the lower window, fell back and landed on my arse on the ground. I picked myself up and was walking down the road muttering to myself when the lower window opened with a crash as the rest of the glass fell out and the ould lad was in full flow I can tell you. He surpassed himself in the expletive department and I actually stopped to listen, it was superb. He finally ran out of breath and silence ensued......

Sunday mornings were our busiest time directly after mass and I was in the shop helping out with a stony silence and turn to stone stares from the ould lad. I used to do Mrs Murphy"s shop for her working from her painstakingly written list when in a booming voice the ould lad started.

"What do you think of a son who breaks your bedroom window" says he
"ohh" says Mrs Murphy
"Aye, he put his foot through it last night" says he.

Cue shop full, all noise stopped, all eyes on me and ears on the ould lad.

"3 o"clock it was, came roaring into the front, jumped out of his car and kicked in the window" says he (economical with the truth a bit here Da eh !)

Chorus of ohs and ahs from the gathered womens institute.

"I have always done my best with that boy" says he

Chorus of aye"s - tut tut"s and evil stares at me

"No values these days, anyway Maam can I help you" says he to Mrs Maloney.

His public humiliation achieved he was back to normal...

Great days - great times - priceless

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 18, 2009, 13:56:05 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: dan350 on January 18, 2009, 15:00:15 PM
Captain chaos that made me lol cheers Ger, great memories and i look forward to our next trip ;D (great read this by the way Ger keep it going)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: jacko159 on January 18, 2009, 17:00:12 PM
I have just caught up and read the last 6 pages of this.  Consequently, the other occupants of my hospital ward, and their visitors, have been staring and tut-tutting as I cry with laughter.

Fantastic read, bad etiquette to laugh out loud in a ward of septugenarians.....


Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on January 18, 2009, 17:03:26 PM
Ger, enjoying these all so much, vegas sounded an absolute blast and as for your da, LOL the stories just have me chuckling.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 19, 2009, 18:43:30 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 19, 2009, 18:57:24 PM
My sister Noreen has spent all her life in England and was married to an Englishman, Dave, who sadly passed away 2 years ago last Christmas. Now Dave was a good man, if a bit headstrong and he always had a strong opinion of things.  At this point in time he was an avid fisherman. He was one of those people who when they took up something they bordered on obsessive at that discipline and of course knew all about it. Well, he arrived over on holiday one summer with all his fishing gear and wanted to know where the best fishing was. Now I am not a great fishing man but I knew of a great lake in which to fish.

(http://tbn1.google.com/images?q=tbn:oTYZUPGf0O6YFM:http://www.clarevillehouse.net/gfx/gallery1.jpg)  Lough Bridget

So before they arrived I went over to see Jack Kelly to ask his permission to fish in his lake as he owned all the land around it and might take exception if I didn't ask. He never refused, but always liked to be asked.

I took Dave past it on the first day so he would know the way and we stopped outside Jack's house which overlooked the lake. Dave got out of the car and looked studiously at the lake and declared that the best place to fish was over on the far side. Now not being a fisherman I had no clue why he said that and suggested that we ask Jack himself for advice as he had fished this lake all his life and had a B&B where fishermen would stay and he would obviously know the good spots.

"No way" says Dave "I know just by looking at the position of the reeds and the contours of the shore where the good spots are"
"Wouldn't do any harm to ask" says I
"No way" says Dave.

Dave left very early the following morning for the lake and I again suggested that he ask Jack about the lake before he started as Jack would be up for the cows anyway. 

It was around lunch time and I thought I would go along and see how he was doing. I pulled up outside Jack's house and there was Jack leaning on the gate puffing away at his pipe surveying the lake. I joined him at the gate and spotted Dave on the far side under his umbrella surrounded by rods of varying size.

"Alright Ger" says Jack
"Aye, you" says I
"Aye" says he and we lapsed into comfortable silence drinking in the peace and tranquillity of the scene.

After about 10 minutes..

"He'll never catch a fish over there" says Jack
"Oh, why not" says I
"My Da told me that there are fierce spring over that side with some sort of natural shiite and no fish are ever found there" says Jack
"Oh" says I "and what time did he arrive this morning"
"About 6 hours ago" says Jack
"Does he know about the springs" says I
"No idea" says Jack
"Were you not talking with him this morning" says I
"Aye, just before he set off for the other side I was bringing the cows in and we had a chat, he knows a lot about fishing, never shut up" says Jack
"Did you not think to mention the springs" says I
"He never asked" says Jack innocently "You going to tell him"
"Nah" says I "Fancy a pint Jack"
"Aye" says Jack.

I did mention it to Dave that night and do you know what, he didn't see the funny side.

Great characters and times -- priceless


Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on January 19, 2009, 20:53:09 PM
OMG!!!  LMAOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  

Current tale.  A Lad in our village, his name is Donie.  He has a decent newish car, but he also has an ancient VW Beetle.  It doesn"t have brakes.  Well, it has a hand brake that works, but the pedal brake...not so much.  Anyway, occasionally he"ll drive it to the village for his pints.  Parks the VW where the mood strikes him.  He never drives home after drink, so that car could easily be left in the same spot for a week or more as he has back up in the other "newer car". 

Last week he parked it in our friend"s driveway.  No word.  No "hello" or "do you mind?".  Just park and gone.  Soooooooooo, yesterday we were at Junior and Margaret"s house when the VW was brought up.  In a mad fit of giggles and without saying a word, the lot of us tore running outside with one mission...to hide his car. 

Junior and Margaret had a garage up to this summer.  They left the front wall and rolling garage door, but took off the roof and rear wall to open their yard in the back a bit.  As far as the rest of the world is concerned...they still have a garage.  Me in the driver"s seat to control the hand brake (in case it threatened to roll down the hill of their driveway), Junior and Timothy (my husband) in the rear pushing the VW into the "garage".  Thing is, as we didn"t have the keys, I couldn"t steer her in.  The wheel locked when I tried.  So the Lads had to stop now and then, lift the front of the car to re-position it and off we"d go again.    

Donie showed up today looking for his car.  "What are you on about Donie?  Yer having me on.  You collected it yesterday while we were out." says Margaret.  He and his brother drove the whole of the village looking for his car today.  They even offered a reward to the local kids if they found his car. 

Keeping in mind, the same fecker would run this joke for as long as he could, we haven"t let him in on it yet.  However, we"ve been bit in the backside.  Turns out it"s considered a vintage car.  When he phoned the insurance company, they told him he"ll receive "X" amount compensation for it provided he reports it to the Garda straight away.  "X" amount happens to be a heck of a lot more than the thing is actually worth in anyone"s eyes.  So of course he"s phoned them. 

We"re just now heading off to Junior and Margaret"s to push the feckin thing back out onto the open driveway with intentions of pretending we know nothing of how it got there or where it"s been.  It"s dark.  It"s cold.  There"s snow, ffs.  But off we go...hoping not to get caught in the act.  Sigh.  GG WP
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 19, 2009, 20:58:05 PM
lmao -- sigh -- homesickness breaking out
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on January 19, 2009, 23:10:22 PM
Update - Car in previous position and we weren"t caught doing it. 

Well not entirely true... 

If you count the old busy body across the road who got a mad notion to "clean" her windows for the 10 minutes were were at it, her windows are spotless and we"re caught raw.  Suppose the fits of laughter gave us away. 

On the plus side...Donie is gutted because he won"t be able to claim "X" amount from the insurance company now.  Reckon he already had it spent in his head. 

Game set and match.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 20, 2009, 11:59:15 AM
Now you might think that my father was a heartless bar steward. Nothing could be further from the truth, he was a strong man with strong values and was not swayed easily. However if I was ever in trouble, and believe it or not I was a couple of times, he would weigh in with all guns firing to sort the problem.

He would only ever say things once. He told me never to go near the cooker when I was little, I did, once, and still bear the burn on my wrist nearly 50 years later. However I never went near it again (except to cook of course).

My mother entreated him to teach me to swim. He threw me in the river and my mother went ballistic as I struggled to the far bank.

"Shut up woman, he can now swim" says he

We had a mutual appreciation society going on and although he never said it to my face he was as proud as punch when I started playing Senior Rugby and would sneak in to watch me. Never one to say "well done" but if he never said the opposite you could take it as a compliment.

He also didn't agree with my first marriage.. I should have listened to him but  that's for later.

He died in 1985 and his wake was the best ever and his manner of passing is a story that whilst of course sad was indicative of the man he was. I need to get it right not just for the readers of these poor ramblings but for myself as well .. To be continued...
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 20, 2009, 12:14:02 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 20, 2009, 13:19:24 PM
I was living in a neighbouring village, married to she who cannot be named and was fast asleep when the doorbell rang. Now no one knocks on your door at that hour unless it's bad news. I got up and opened the door to find my Uncle Dex standing there.

"I have bad news Ger" says he

Well my immediate thought was that it was my mother because the ould lad was a rock who was impregnable.

"Your father is dead, found a small while ago" says he
"I'll be right behind you" says I

I overtook him about a mile outside the village driving like a lunatic, why I don't know, I wasn't going to change anything. I pulled up outside the house and tore into the kitchen to find my mother sitting there surround by half the professional wailers in the village. We hugged and had a bit of inane conversation, well what do you say.

Anyway I took her aside to ask what happened in private and she was holding up very well.

"What happened" says I
"Well your father got up to go to the toilet and when he didn't come back I went to look for him" says she
"I found him sitting on the toilet, dead"

Well God forgive me I looked at my mother and she looked at me and we had a little giggle. The mourners were looking at us with distain, but to me that helped at the time. Trust the ould lad to die whilst having a crap...

We adopted a more somber form of decorum and went back amongst the wailers and thought good thoughts..

to be continued.........
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 21, 2009, 17:33:28 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 21, 2009, 22:28:33 PM
Now when tragedy strikes you have a lot of communicating to do, we had family all over the place and it was up to me to ring them and tell them. The first were obviously my sisters and people all over Ireland and the rest of the civilised world (and some in some pretty uncivilised places) so I went to the phone. Now we did not have a dial phone at the time you pressed a button and were connected to the exchange in scarriff. . Anyway Anne Maloney was on the exchange that morning.

"Number please" says she
"I have a few Anne" says I
"Oh is something wrong" says she
"Yes" says I "my father passed away this morning
"Oh I am so sorry" says she "Give me all the numbers and I will ring them and connect you when I get an answer"

Technology eh -- who needs it sometimes .......................
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on January 22, 2009, 12:48:05 PM
Keep em coming!!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 22, 2009, 17:28:18 PM
I have been rambling about the Guards a lot, and sometimes tongue in cheek. They are on the whole a good bunch and do a very good job. I suppose if you are up to mischief and you have a chance of being caught then your thoughts are a little scrambled.

I was in Scarriff one night and was enjoying a wee drink when someone came into the pub to say that the guards had set up a checkpoint on the bridge and looked like they were there for the long haul. Since the shotgun incident the Guards had been on my case and I really had meant to replace those two bald tyres honest. I was with my girlfriend of the moment and her house and my way home were across that damn bridge. My only other viable route home was to go out the Feakle road and in through Ross which was a detour of about 10km.

I decided to take the long route home to avoid any complications with the law and their interpretation of what constituted "bald". I bade goodbye to Anne and set off down the Feakle road. I was nearing the turning for Ross and lights appeared in my mirror. I was not that worried, the Guards wouldn't chase me or even know I went this way. Would they ?

I turned into the little bog road that would eventually bring me out at Bodyke village and was shocked to see the lights turn after me. OMG it must be them, only a couple of people lived down this road, bugger.

Well I thought if they are going to get me they will have to catch me. I knew this road like the back of my hand and I put the hammer down. Well I literally flew up that road and Colin Mcrae would have been proud of the way that I negotiated the bridge in a perfect slide (having slicks on the back helped). I shot up the quarry hill like a maniac and back down into the village.

We had two garages, turf sheds really, next to Jimmy Healy's house and I screamed to a halt and jumped out and opened the door and drove the car in and shut the door. All was quiet expect for the pinking of my car as the metal cooled and contracted after the thrashing it had got. No lights, had I got away clean.

After about 10 minutes I peaked out of the doors and the village was as quiet and peaceful as it always was. I walked down the road to the house and went to bed.

No contact the next day so I assumed I was a free man, although their attempts to ensnare me were getting more creative by the day. I wouldn't put it past them to wait a few days then clap me in irons.

I was in Tuamgraney the following weekend when I met Dr Tim Maloney and his wife.

"What about you Ger" says he
"Fine" says I
"You were driving like a lunatic the other night" says he

OMG the whole place knew. I was doomed, they were building their case against me, interviewing people, gathering evidence, polishing the handcuffs, checking the voltage on the chair and were waiting to pounce.

"What" croaked I
"I was behind you the other night going in the Ross road, you really must slow down" says he.

I must have sounded like I had been punched in the stomach as the air exploded out of me. I had forgotten that  he was one of the people that lived in that road and nearly killed myself for nothing with my paranoia.

Priceless times that can't be brought back but will never be forgotten. 
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 22, 2009, 17:43:26 PM
Now I wonder how many of you have had the dubious pleasure of having to deal with that most holy of animals, the veritable, venerable and downright vicious beast of burden, the donkey.

They might look cute and give the impression that they will tirelessly work for their masters with a song in their heart and a brightness of step.

******, they have a mind of their own and when this mind wants to work they are great. They will go places that tractors would fail and they will work all day. However if they decide they don't want to work they will not.

I was collecting the turf from the bog over the space of three or four days and would manage approximately four trips a day, loading and unloading myself. It was a lovely job no rush, no pressure, just me and my faithful beast of burden.

I got up early on day one and went into the yard to tackle the donkey to the cart. I was greeted with the usual grunt and attempt to remove my hand as I attached the equipment and cart. Now the cart had high sides to accommodate as much turf as would be safe and comfortable for the animal and I would stand in the cart when we were on our way up the mountain. The donkey looked to be mad for road and struck a merry pace towards the bog with me standing tall as man and beast began their daily toil.

I loaded the cart at the bog and set off for the return journey walking beside the cart to ease the burden and  lost in my own daydreams. I repeated the process without incident and at the end of the day gave the animal a bit of a rub down and a nice feed and released him into the field at the back of the house. All was right with the world and I looked forward to the next day.

Got up for day two. The spawn of the devil, Beelzebub, didn't really look in the mood today as I walked down the field to collect him The jaundiced eyes looked at me with complete and utter contempt. After a protracted period of time I eventually had the donkey ready for the cart without losing either hand or getting my arse slapped by a flying hoof.

I attached the cart and was ready to go and encouraged the donkey to move on out of the yard. Well he just turned his head towards me as if to say.

"Listen Mr high and mighty, I ain't going anywhere today so you can feck off"

I thought, no way was a donkey going to get the better of me, so I offered it more encouragement in the pulling on the reins department when the mild mannered, docile and sweetest of creatures went stark raving bonkers.

His first move was to go with the direction of my pulling and head butt me in the chest sending me flying backwards and as I had let go of the reins in my pain proceeded to try and shake the cart off by banging it against the wall.

I caught him by the bridle and was whispering nice things into his ear (people said they heard these encouraging words half a mile away). He then proceeded to try and attach his yellowed knashers to my forearm with the intention of taking great lumps out of me.

He backed away at speed and the cart hit the door of the outside toilet, splintering it in two. Now in my preoccupation with the donkey, I hadn't noticed that the ould lad had walked across the yard to have his daily movement in the outside toilet and was reading the paper with his pants down around his ankles when half the door landed in his lap.

Well the ould lad then started with the abuse (people said they heard his words of endearment a mile away). Between his tirade and the donkeys roars it was bedlam in the yard. At this stage the donkey was in the middle of the yard having bolted away from the toilet taking the rest of the door with it.

It's eyes were wide and staring and the nostrils were flared as I approached him head on. I just knew that there was only going to be one winner in this contest.

I untackled the donkey and let it loose into the field, not before he tried to remove my left leg with the most vicious of kicks and I swear he smirked as he galloped away down the field.    

I went in home with the donkey laughing at me and the ould lad still swearing at me from the doorless toilet. I found other things to do that day.

Day three and we were back to normal, I guess he just wanted a day off...
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on January 22, 2009, 18:13:23 PM
LOL..and then some.

If we were casting "Duke - the Movie" who would take the lead?  You"d be looking for something between Burt Reynolds and Al the drunken barman...

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 22, 2009, 18:25:44 PM
Pity old Ollie Reed wasn"t alive eh
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 22, 2009, 18:30:36 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: jacklevel06 on January 22, 2009, 18:30:55 PM

Pity old Ollie Reed wasn"t alive eh
Feck ,you beat me to it.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on January 23, 2009, 09:07:52 AM
You had so much fun back then!!!  These days we only get to move cars.  Summer is a good time for it as most of the pubs have seating out the front of their places.  Once the deed is done, we can all sit out enjoying our pints while watching the poor soul as he discovers it"s been moved.  One lad in particular likes to leave his keys in the car...on the floor of it so they won"t be seen.  His only problem...the whole feckin village knows it. 

One day last summer we nearly got into a bit of trouble when we decided the best place for it was the middle of the Fairfield.  It"s a large green area in the middle of the village.  Pubs run along the top of it, main road along the bottom.  On this day, Mike"s van was the centre piece.  Cars would slow as they passed and drivers would toot their horns as they laughed their pants off.  Well, most would.  The Guards drove past on this particular day and they weren"t well impressed.  Guards?!  FFS it was only 2 in the afternoon!  They don"t normally call to us til after closing time.  Sigh. 

Picture a row of pubs, lined with patrons sat outside enjoying their pints in the sun...pretending not to notice Mike"s van.  On this particular occasion I"d been the driver as I"d not had drink yet.  They ushered me into the pub quick as could be for fear my face would give it away.  Meanwhile everyone outside claimed they knew nothing and told the Guards not to worry, they"d get to the bottom of it.  When the Guards reluctantly drove off, one of Mike"s relations was phoned and told what we were at.  They legged it up to the village, not to sort his van, but so they could be there to see the look on his face when he discovered what we"d done!  lol  

Once the coast was clear, Timothy stuck his head into the pub to let me know it was safe to come out.  There I was, sat up at the bar with Mike playing poker...on my 4th round of whiskey and a pint.  I was trying to keep him busy, you see.  So he wouldn"t stumble out while the Guards were there.  Plus I needed to calm down.  We were now both suitably pished. 

Mike looks a bit like an Albert Einstein (gone wrong).  Well, the sight of him walking out to find his car missing.  Scratching his head of wild grey hair while stood staring in the empty spot where he"d parked it.  He turned full circle twice, as if it might be hiding behind him...in that same spot.  It was all we could do to keep quiet.  Once he looked out into the Fairfield and spotted it, the whole place erupted.  He looked over at me with a smile on his face, wagging his finger.  "You lil devil, you."          
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: coprey on January 23, 2009, 15:48:24 PM
That village sounds like a great spot for an APAT event...Des?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 23, 2009, 17:45:39 PM

That village sounds like a great spot for an APAT event...Des?


Poker in Knocknacree

(http://img54.echo.cx/img54/8532/dareya2ke.gif)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on January 23, 2009, 18:22:23 PM
Knocknagree  

Flippin heck!  You"ve been here enough times to know the name of the place by now!

And yes...I"d be happy to help sort a mini APAT week-end here.   ;D

Now get back to work and tell us another tale.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 23, 2009, 18:58:43 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 24, 2009, 00:55:31 AM
tonights home game showed how much luck is in the art of winning.

me 99 -- son of duke 10 10 -- all in pre -- I hit a 9
me K2 (don"t ask I had loads of chips and they were suited) -- Riche AK -- I hit 22
me AK -- richie again 10 10 -- I hit a flush to take the game (10 on flop)

Man I play well  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 24, 2009, 01:00:49 AM
I am tired at the mo -- but I have a stonking story involving

1. A man
2. A Woman
3. The womans huge boyfriend
4. An umbrella
5. The Ritz in Lisdoonvarna
6. The reason I lost my front teeth

All will be revealed, but all is not as it seemed
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 24, 2009, 11:35:55 AM
Some of you may or may not know about the spa town of Lisdoonvarna in West Clare. It was famous years ago for its matchmaking festival. After farmers of the region had saved their hay and gathered their crops they would polish up their wellington boots and go into Lisdoonvarna in September, with the express intention of gaining a wife. Now this is not as barbaric as it may seem because it suited both parties. The man got a woman to keep him fed and watered and the woman got the security of a roof over her head and financial stability. If there was the added bonus of children more the better.

As with most relationships some of them could turn out to be loveless disasters, but the majority worked because both parties went into the "match" with no preconditions, apart from how much the match cost. The woman bringing a dowry and the man providing the stability of a home. Investigations would have been carried out and the financial status of the gentleman in question would have been ascertained.  These weren't children coerced into a marriage but were grown people with the same aims and expectations.

Now with the onslaught of "modern" civilization this festival began to fade in its popularity until in the early 70's one hotelier decided to revive the notion of Lisdoonvarna being a great place to be in September.

Now I don't know if matchmaking still went on but all I know is that it became the place to be in the month of September, for the biggest, loudest, drunkenness, rowdiest couple of week in the history of man.

Contd
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 24, 2009, 12:25:50 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on January 24, 2009, 14:26:14 PM
LOL cant wait to hear what happened
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: dan350 on January 24, 2009, 14:39:54 PM
come on Ger get on with it i like a story that involves a good scrap lol.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 24, 2009, 14:40:31 PM

come on Ger get on with it i like a story that involves a good scrap lol.


Where were you in my hour of need Dan ??
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on January 24, 2009, 15:06:51 PM
[youtube=425,350]http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=cCd16mQO32M[/youtube]

!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 24, 2009, 15:53:21 PM
sniff sniff -- nostalgia breaking out..
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 24, 2009, 16:16:27 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on January 24, 2009, 16:31:43 PM
(http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00310/jaws385_310971a.jpg)

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on January 24, 2009, 17:24:20 PM
LMAOOOOO!!!!  Yer CRAZY!!!!  I would have taken my chances with the running.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on January 24, 2009, 18:43:23 PM
lmaoooo thats brilliant Ger, what a story to tell and it had me shouting with laughter, your a fine man you are.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Eck on January 24, 2009, 19:00:05 PM
You are now officially my hero Ger  :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 24, 2009, 19:00:20 PM
Denis and myself were wondering around the town during the festival and were doing our best to tempt some of the nicer ladies to spend some time in our company. We were having a good Craic and the night wore on and we got separated and woke up in the same room, me on the floor and him in the bath. Good night then...... Anyway Denis reckoned he was on a promise with the girl he was with last night and was hoping to hook up with her later in the day. The only problem he reckoned was that her father was a bit of a tyrant and was liable to take the shotgun down from the wall if his little girl even got spoken to. Oh well we would cross that bridge if it came on us.

We went down the stairs and the owner of the hotel was tending bar, it would be rude not to have one for breakfast. We sat down and ordered a couple of pints and got chatting to the owner.

"Well lads good night last night" he inquired
"Aye, good Craic" we chorused
"Any women on the scene"  he slyly asked
"Oh aye" said Denis "I think I am on a promise tonight"
"Good man" says he "sew you oats while you're young I always say"
"He He!  I intend to" says Denis patting his back pocket "I intend to tonight as a matter of fact"
Cue ribald male chauvinistic laughter....

"Oh" says the owner as the door opened behind us "have you met my daughter"

We tuned round. Oh Shiite ! you guessed it, Denis's squeeze from the night before.

Conclusion shortly......
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 24, 2009, 19:28:07 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 24, 2009, 19:51:08 PM
We sauntered around town and had a few drinks and with every drink Denis got braver. The wee girl arrived on the scene and was accompanied by her friend, a rather cute brunette by the way. Anyway all the fears were banished and we had a great night.

We retired to the hotel and Denis had told me he was taking her up to the room and I was to make myself scarce. Fair enough, the brunette was warming to my charms anyway.

The next couple of hours are (http://e.deviantart.com/emoticons/c/censored.gif) but it was very enjoyable. Anyway I woke up at around 7am and I was in bad need of a shower and all my gear was in the other room. I thought that because the owners daughter had an early shift she would be up and gone and if she wasn't who gives a feck.

I found my way to the hotel and climbed the stairs, nodding to the owner who was cleaning the bar area.

"Where's your friend" says he
"Oh he went to bed early" says I (getting a virtual kick)

I reached the door and gave a discreet tap. No reply so I gave it a right rap and heard a noise come from within, much whispered voices and a crashing sound. Well I tried the handle and the door opened and I saw the wee girl still in the bed with the blankets held up to her neck.

"Thank God" says she "I thought it was me Da"
"Where's Denis" says I

She pointed to the window

I went across and looked out and there he was legging it up the road in the morning light as naked as the day he was born.

"I'd better go get him" says I
"I'd better dress" says she laughing

Priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on January 24, 2009, 20:25:35 PM
:D :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: jacklevel06 on January 24, 2009, 20:27:54 PM
Reading this is so much better than watching saturday night tv.Keep up the good work Ger.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Hammerheid on January 24, 2009, 20:28:12 PM
Ger , forget poker and ur job - u should be on the stage
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 24, 2009, 20:30:15 PM
Many of you have not met the wee man, hopefully you will now that he is 18. When he was little and we went to France every year we used to stay overnight in Dover in order to get the early boat in the morning. To pass the time on the long drives we used to play the old alphabet name game. You would pick a subject and then go through the alphabet in turn.

When we were having dinner that night in the hotel there were four of us Me, Gabrielle, Ger and his sister Marie and we decided to play the game to pass away a bit of time. The subject was countries (Q and W were the toughies in that one) anyway Marie was first

Marie "Australia"
Gabrielle "Belgium"
Ger "Canada"
Me "Denmark"
Marie "umm give me a clue"
Me "You're in a country that begins with E you eejit"
Marie with an air of smugness "Daddy please Dover begins with a D"

Bless

Anyway it was Ger's choice for a subject, he was in his first year at secondary school and said "As I am doing biology let's do body parts"

FML full restaurant and all.  Let's do it

Marie "Arm"
Gabrielle "Bicep" after looking all over herself..
Ger in a very loud and confident voice "Clitoris"

OMG the whole restaurant stopped, food midway between plate and mouth and all eyes were on our table. Well I nearly wet myself, Gabrielle didn't exactly see the funny side and was shooting me daggers.

"Well it's a body part" said the wee man indignantly.
"Do you know where it is" says his mother
"Yes, we did it in biology" says the wee man
"Well, tell your Father, he hasn't got a clue"

FML
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: SirPercival on January 24, 2009, 20:30:36 PM
reading this is stopping me writing anything in my new blog, 2 reasons:

1. it"s bloody funny
2. mine"s will rubbish unless I tell the bare arse story
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: jacklevel06 on January 24, 2009, 20:39:44 PM

Many of you have not met the wee man, hopefully you will now that he is 18. When he was little and we went to France every year we used to stay overnight in Dover in order to get the early boat in the morning. To pass the time on the long drives we used to play the old alphabet name game. You would pick a subject and then go through the alphabet in turn.

When we were having dinner that night in the hotel there were four of us Me, Gabrielle, Ger and his sister Marie and we decided to play the game to pass away a bit of time. The subject was countries (Q and W were the toughies in that one) anyway Marie was first

Marie "Australia"
Gabrielle "Belgium"
Ger "Canada"
Me "Denmark"
Marie "umm give me a clue"
Me "You're in a country that begins with E you eejit"
Marie with an air of smugness "Daddy please Dover begins with a D"

Bless

Anyway it was Ger's choice for a subject, he was in his first year at secondary school and said "As I am doing biology let's do body parts"

FML full restaurant and all.  Let's do it

Marie "Arm"
Gabrielle "Bicep" after looking all over herself..
Ger in a very loud and confident voice "Clitoris"

OMG the whole restaurant stopped, food midway between plate and mouth and all eyes were on our table. Well I nearly wet myself, Gabrielle didn't exactly see the funny side and was shooting me daggers.

"Well it's a body part" said the wee man indignantly.
"Do you know where it is" says his mother
"Yes, we did it in biology" says the wee man
"Well, tell your Father, he hasn't got a clue"

FML

Best story i"ve ever heard,even spilt my can of lager on the living room floor.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on January 24, 2009, 20:51:19 PM
Very funny Ger.  You"re doing a fine job getting this down.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Trademans on January 24, 2009, 21:33:55 PM


Cracking read Ger!  Keep it coming... ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 24, 2009, 22:33:36 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 24, 2009, 22:48:02 PM
Hey it"s Jack"s (Technolog) birthday tomorrow - now let me tell you about Jack, frog"s legs, vegas and a wee girl in the venetian..................................
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on January 24, 2009, 22:54:31 PM
hahahahahahahaha these are truly fantastic Ger.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 25, 2009, 02:03:46 AM
OMG its 2.02am and there is an advert on the telly for the co-op funeral undertakers.. Is business that bad.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 25, 2009, 02:06:15 AM
oh and by the way profit from poker tonight is a minus -- oh well I had fun
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 25, 2009, 13:49:01 PM
I got married in 1983 for all the wrong reasons, never mind it was my choice and as such my responsibility. The wedding reception was held in the Lakelands Hotel in Scarriff and was in full flow, with the meal over when the music started. I was grabbed from behind by members of the Scarriff Rugby Club and manhandled away from the dance floor. On the way they managed to remove the tux and I was as naked a jay bird.

They carried me aloft out through reception and out onto the main street. My mother's cousin had a pub in the main street and the peleton made its way across the road, opened the door and shoved me inside.

There I was naked in the middle of a busy pub. What was a man to do, I went up to the bar and ordered a pint from me mother's cousin.

"Afternoon Johnny, pint please" says I
"Hello Ger, how's the wedding going" says he
"Grand" says I

He puts the pint on the counter, looks me up and down,

"Will I put that one on the slate Ger, you seem to have no notes, only small change" says he

Priceless    
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 25, 2009, 13:52:29 PM
Happy Birthday to Technolog..............

Have a good day Jack

(http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e78/sueweb/happybday.gif)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 25, 2009, 14:24:27 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 25, 2009, 15:12:18 PM
The year was 1980 when we were in London for the matches. As I posted we had won the rugby, but lost the football, squash, women's football, badminton and whatever other mamby pamby games were played. We then all got changed and proceeded to the after celebration activities. We were all told to behave and be good ambassadors for our company, fat chance.

The after dinner festivities were well underway when the traditional boat race was called, rugby lads first. You know the form, sit 10 people in a row on the floor, first man downs a pint, places the glass upside down n his head and the next man starts drinking. Winner being the team who's last man puts the glass on his head first.

MC "A couple or rules" FFS
MC "If a man starts drinking out of turn the competition will restart with the false starter having to finish that drink and get another " Noooo don't say that Mickey O'Connell is our first man.

Five false starts and five pints later Mickey is ready.... We won with the opposition on the sixth man.

Anyway Johnny Logan was performing in the Eurovision that year with "What's another year" and as the ballroom had no telly we all trooped out to a pub across the road to cheer him on. He won and we trooped back in good order and found that the disco had started.

The DJ was asked to play the winning song and as he didn't have it we struck up a rendition of it much to the dismay of our gathered directors.

It was a good year with only 3 suspensions for bringing the company into disrepute.

Great times
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 25, 2009, 17:11:58 PM
Have any of you had the pleasure to visit the lovely Laxie, her husband Timothy and her great children in their home town of Knocknagree. It"s an experience and I will post about the times I have visited.

However if you do visit there are a few essentials that are required

Clothes (can"t be scaring the natives)

Smellies (can"t forewarn them you are in town)

Spare liver (have you seen them two drink !!!)

Camera (you might need some blackmail leverage)

Phone (I have a feeling you might need to call the emergency services)

Euros (Re mortgaged to cover the weekend)

Fast Car (obv IMO)

Copy of Ted Harringtons ("How to deal with people who think 10 5 is the new AA)  -- Timothy back me up on that one

Personal phone number of Michael O"Leary (Ryanair are bound to lose your bag)

Earplugs (Think about it)

Luck (especially when playing young Sarah at Hold em -- she owned me LOL)

priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 25, 2009, 17:17:19 PM
In May last year I paid a visit to Laxie Towers and its was a gas.....

Landed in Cork airport, which was awash with song and merriment due to the hordes of Munster rugby fans on their way to Cardiff. Laxie was there to greet me and we headed off to their home village.

Headed off !!!! Laxie does a superb impression of driving whilst..

1) Not looking at the road

2) Never drawing breath between sentences

3) Always being in the wrong lane - however Manoeuvre, signal, mirror seemed to work perfect.

4) "Who needs Sat Nav, shiite was that my turn off"

Dropped the bag, hit the pub had a couple of scoops and settled down nicely. Laxie goes to feed the multitudes and I elect to stay and keep Martin company (mistake).

Friday night game was a howl (Fking sick call to take me out tho). Tiredness did get the better of me and I took a little power nap. There are pictures I understand.

Great people, perfect environment, priceless.......
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 25, 2009, 17:25:50 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 25, 2009, 17:35:52 PM
some memorable quotes from that weekend

"Lawrence where"s your effin sister"

"Timothy you"re not going to spill that drink in this Taxi"   ooops

"Dawn you"re not going to spill that drink in this Taxi"   ooops

"That effin refer effin ree is effin gay and the commen effin tator is first on my effin hit list"

"Where are the effin car keys, they are in the effin pub" (4.30am after coming back from Killarney - not for driving but for the front door)

"How"s the beef doing" "Fine as long as they didn"t let the dog in" (whoop whoop for the win)

"Where"s my steak" "What steak ?" as Timothy picked the bits out of his teeth at 5am

"Whats that smell" (Pizza was being warmed up in the oven at 5am still in its cardboard box)

"effin sick call" -- "But it was you dude"

"Meet Ger - He"s the man who fell asleep on your Mother last Friday" FML

"Do you teach my children" Woman to Lawrence at the concert

"No coaching at the table"  "I"m not coaching - go all in Margaret"

"Are you going to take for those drinks"

"Dawn ? how many can you fit for the beef - OK let me make a few calls"

"Is this a nice pub -- lets see"  (Sunday)

"I"ll tune it up for you" Duke to Baby (96 yrs old) the TV the TV !!

"Did you give out the flyers" "No Mam we stuck them on cars - after we removed the florist"s ones"

"If Midge Ure doesn"t do Vienna there WILL be trouble"

"That effin bouncer has it in for me"

"Martin what will your tv be when it grows up"

to be continued......................
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 25, 2009, 17:49:30 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 25, 2009, 18:53:45 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 25, 2009, 20:29:25 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 25, 2009, 20:58:07 PM
I attended a "Well Person's" clinic a while back at the Doctor's surgery and it went something like this.

Nurse: Before we start lets just take some blood and ask a few questions
Nurse: (sticking HUGE needle in my arm) Stop squirming
Nurse: Now Mr Smyth do you smoke ?
Me: Yes

Nurse: Cut that out. Do you drink ?
Me: Yes

Nurse: How many units a week?
Me: What's a unit?

Nurse: A small glass of wine or half a pint of beer
Me: How many units am I allowed?

Nurse: 28 units a week maximum and no more than 6 units a night
Me: Ooops buggered the weeks quota last night.
Nurse: Well cut it down to the recommended amount

Nurse: Do you eat red meat
Me: Yes

Nurse: Cut that out. Do you have fried food?
Me: yes

Nurse: Cut that out.. Now on these scales please, thank you now under this, thank you. Mr Smyth your BMI says that you are Fat bordering on obese. We need to structure a diet.

Nurse: First indications would indicate that your cholesterol is also way too high and the diet will reflect this.

So it looks like my life expectancy is around 15 minutes unless I, Stop smoking, Stop drinking and Stop eating. Then it would be about 1 week because I am medically fat and can live off that.

However I have no intention of adhering to Sister Attila the Hun and I will live until I die.

All the best off to change my will.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on January 25, 2009, 21:00:20 PM
Look man.  I don"t care how long you go on about it...I knew I had ya beat!  Sick call me eye.  Cheeky pup.

As for having an argument with the barman...fecker was trying to stuff us for an extra drink because he heard the Yank accent.  "Oh hell no" said I.  Management showed up and told ME to pay more attention in future.  "Ummmmmm, if it weren"t for me paying attention in the first place, we wouldn"t be having this conversation."  Langer.

AND...10 5 os in that crowd is a perfectly respectable hand to bust someone out with.  You were there.  You know it"s true. 

When are ya calling again?  We miss ya.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on January 25, 2009, 21:02:34 PM

I attended a "Well Person's" clinic a while back at the Doctor's surgery and it went something like this.

Nurse: Before we start lets just take some blood and ask a few questions
Nurse: (sticking HUGE needle in my arm) Stop squirming
Nurse: Now Mr Smyth do you smoke ?
Me: Yes

Nurse: Cut that out. Do you drink ?
Me: Yes

Nurse: How many units a week?
Me: What's a unit?

Nurse: A small glass of wine or half a pint of beer
Me: How many units am I allowed?

Nurse: 28 units a week maximum and no more than 6 units a night
Me: Ooops buggered the weeks quota last night.
Nurse: Well cut it down to the recommended amount

Nurse: Do you eat red meat
Me: Yes

Nurse: Cut that out. Do you have fried food?
Me: yes

Nurse: Cut that out.. Now on these scales please, thank you now under this, thank you. Mr Smyth your BMI says that you are Fat bordering on obese. We need to structure a diet.

Nurse: First indications would indicate that your cholesterol is also way too high and the diet will reflect this.

So it looks like my life expectancy is around 15 minutes unless I, Stop smoking, Stop drinking and Stop eating. Then it would be about 1 week because I am medically fat and can live off that.

However I have no intention of adhering to Sister Attila the Hun and I will live until I die.

All the best off to change my will.


without your lifestyle they"d be no stories to blog...without no blog...many lifes would be pointless...so TY..your doing a very selfless thing..Nurse Hun should be thankful of this
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 25, 2009, 21:05:35 PM

When are ya calling again?  We miss ya.


I am hatching a plan as I type
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: technolog on January 25, 2009, 23:18:40 PM

Happy Birthday to Technolog..............

Have a good day Jack



Cheers Ger - been out all day and just saw this.

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 26, 2009, 17:32:41 PM
My mother had a stoke in the early 90's and for all intents and purposes lost the use of her right arm and had limited use in her right leg. When she was in hospital the only thing that worried her was the fact that she couldn't sign cheques in order to pay her bills. I told her not to worry and that I would sort that out.

Now my mother had a bit of a temper and she told me in no uncertain terms that she had always paid her way and that wouldn't stop now just because she couldn't use her right hand. So I said I would go down to the bank to see what could be done.

Now I had a very low opinion of banks seeing as how I was broke most of the time and the only correspondence was them was of a threatening kind so it was with a little trepidation that I rang up and made an appointment with the Manager.

I arrived for the meeting and was ushered into his office.

"Can I help you?"

I introduced myself and explained the situation and he looked at me from over his glasses.

"Mr Smyth I will send a clerk to the hospital to take an alternative signature from your Mother" says he
"Her right hand is out of action" says I
"If she spits on the check I will honour it" says he

Wouldn't happen today.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 26, 2009, 17:44:26 PM
Now I know that there are various of you out there who have differing accents and sayings so I thought I"d share a few Irish ones with you and their explanation. Mayber you could share some of yours

Acting the Maggot (expression)

Fooling about in a somewhat boisterous manner

(usage) "Anto will you stop acting de maggot and give the ould wan back her wheelchair"


Craic (n)

Fun

(usage) "There"s some great craic to be found in that pub on the corner (Note: Misinterpretation of this expression has led to several arrests of foreign visitors who were caught trying to purchase a particular illicit drug)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 26, 2009, 17:49:02 PM
My mother was let out of hospital and returned home and I arranged for her to have one of those alarm thingy's around her neck.  Now when pressed, the company would ring the house and if it got no answer, they would then ring three designated numbers in order to get the situation assessed and if that failed they would ring the Guards. Good idea really.

Anyway, one morning my mother was getting out of bed (we had moved the bed downstairs) and she fell and was unable to get up again so she pressed the alarm. She couldn't reach the phone when it rang so the designated people were rang. I understand that it was funny with lights coming on and people legging it up the road to the house. They all had a spare key but my mother, when locking up that night, had left the key in the door so they couldn't open the door.

They shouted in and my mother answered and they were thinking of a way to get in when one of the Maloney children walked past on his way to school. There was a small window open upstairs that a child could squeeze through so they got a ladder and shoved the poor child up.

The wee lad got in and was directed down the stairs to where my mother was and was instructed to open the door, As he passed the door to the room where my mother was he looked in...

"Good morning, what's your name young Maloney" says my mother
"John" says the lad
"Do you want a sweet" says my mother still lying on the floor in her nightie
"Oh yes" says the young lad and walked into the room

Well he sat down and they were having a grand conversation until a voice boomed from outside.

"Open the fecking door you little fecking eejit"

Good people, great village, priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 26, 2009, 17:57:11 PM
As I was saying, I had made arrangements so that my mother could stay downstairs and would have no need to climb the stairs. Whilst she was on her feet she could navigate around the house, it was only if she fell that she was in trouble.

My mother was fiercely independent, and didn't want to be a burden on people, But, as I was in England I had also persuaded her that I would arrange for a home help to come in the mornings to sort the house out and things.

I returned home about a month after she came out of hospital, just to see how she was getting on. She was grand, managing no problem. We had a commode set up next to the bed so that at night all she would have to do was swing out of the bed onto the toilet and then back again.

I was planning to stay a few days and on one of them I came back from the pub and went upstairs to bed. In the early morning I swear I heard a ghostly voice saying my name. I sat up and sure enough there was this weak voice calling "Gerard". FFS was it my time, was I being called to the great hereafter.

I got up and pulled my pants on and went to the top of the stairs "Gerard" the voice weakly called again. I went downstairs and it was me Mother.. She had fallen off the commode and was lying on the floor.

"About fecking time" says she
"You alright Mam" says I
"Yes, grand" says she "I always sleep like this you eejit, now help me up you gobshiite"

Well I helped her stand up and she was ok, but I could see there was a mischievous glint in her eye.

"You'll have to change my nappy" says she
"WHAT, you are having a laugh" says I
"No" says she smiling
"NO FECKING WAY" says I
"You"ll have to I can"t get back into bed without it and I"m not able" says she

FFS, I got the wherewithal and proceeded to put the "nappy" on, which was very difficult with my eyes closed and her shaking with laughter. I managed it and helped her back into bed.

As I kissed her goodnight she giggled

"What goes round, comes round, you little Shiite".

I went back to bed with her still roaring with laughter. There are some things a son should not be asked to do and that definately is one of them.

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on January 26, 2009, 18:17:53 PM
LMAOOOOO good on her! what a sweetheart!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 26, 2009, 18:20:55 PM
In or around 1973 my Uncle Dex was still working in England and had decided that he would return home to the metropolis of Bodyke. In order to facilitate this he sent my cousin Carol over in advance so she could start school as she was 11 and it would be her first year in Secondary school.

She stayed with us for the best part of a year and slept upstairs in what was my Great Aunt Molly's room. Now there were stories about that room that would make you shiver if you happened to believe in that sort of thing.

It had an old fireplace that was no longer in use but when the wind picked up it would produce a noise down the chimney that was scary to say the least. So before she arrived the ould lad sent me up onto the roof to close off the chimney top whilst he blocked it from below.

"Can't be having the wee girl frightened"  says he (Shock horror the ould lad was going soft)

"She'll be waking me up with her blubbering"  (back to normal)


Anyway, I was along the hall fast asleep when I heard the most piercing scream, as if someone was being murdered. I shot out of bed and ran along the hall and burst open the door to the bedroom where Carol was staying. As I did a bat glided past me almost colliding with my head. I whipped round and it reached the end of the hall and disappeared down the stairs.

Carol was bolt upright in the bed with a look of abject fear on her face.

"What was that" she stammered
"A bat" says I  "It's gone now"

I heard the ould lad bounding up the stairs (their room was downstairs) and I turned half  expecting him to be bearing the shotgun and I steeled myself for a dive to the floor. However all he had was a hurley and I relaxed.

"What the feck" says He

I explained and my mother arrived and calmed Carol down and said she would stay in the room with her that night. Myself and the ould lad went down stairs in order to find this animal and dispose of it. We could find no sign.

"You sure it was a bat" says he
"Aye" says I
"Were you drinking last night" says he
"It was a fecking bat" says I
"And her door was closed when you got to it" says he
"Aye" says I "and the windows were closed as well
"Did you secure the top of the chimney properly" says he
"Did you secure the bottom of it properly" retorted I
"Well how the feck did it get in" says he
"Well how the feck has it got out" says I "we can't find it"

We never did find it, or find out how it got in or out, all i know was the ould lad was going round for days with a hammer and wooden stake in his pocket, checking our necks periodically...
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 26, 2009, 18:25:17 PM

LMAOOOOO good on her! what a sweetheart!


Aye -- my mother was all of 5" 1" and I was delivered at home a healthy 13lbs 14ozs - we got on famously, she died on New Years day 2004. I miss her a lot...

More on the pocket battleship later and believe me I was afraid of my life of her, even when I towered over her.......
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 27, 2009, 13:45:51 PM
The uilleann pipes are a particularly lovely instrument and should not be confused with Scottish bagpipes as they are inflated by means of a small set of bellows strapped around the waist and the right arm. The bellows not only relieves the player from the effort needed to blow into a bag to maintain pressure, they also allow relatively dry air to power the reeds, reducing the adverse effects of moisture.

(http://www.uilleann.net/images/sset.gif)

Anyway there was a particularly talented uilleann pipe player and maker in bodyke called Martin Rochford.  People used to come from all over the world to see him and place orders for their particular instrument. Martin's Brother in Law was one Pa Halloran who lived on Drewsboro Road, a long straight stretch out of Scarriff.

One day an American tourist was travelling along this road trying to find the house of Martin Rochford, he was way off the mark as it happens. He sees Pa sitting on his wall, smoking his pipe. Pa was well into his 70's and was a small wizened man with a look of having been there and done that and was thoroughly pissed off with the world.

The American stopped and as Pa was the only living (Just) person in sight he walked across with the intention of asking directions.

"Hi there" says the tourist
"Good Day" says Pa, sucking on his pipe,
"I was wandering do you know Martin Rochford at all"
"Know him" says Pa "I slept with his sister last night"

Well the tourist took a look at Pa and backed off rapidly, literally running to his car.

Priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 27, 2009, 14:06:32 PM
Banjaxed (adj)

Very tired, broken beyond repair

(usage:) My arse was banjaxed after that vindaloo
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 27, 2009, 14:37:10 PM
We were in Henchy's bar in Scarriff one lovely summer's day in July, when 4 German tourists arrived in. They were off one of the pleasure boats moored in the harbour.

They approached the bar and they didn't seem to have very good English so one of them pointed at the Harp dispenser and put 4 fingers up to indicate his order. Vinny pulled the pints and left them on the counter. The Germans proceeded to drink their drinks with no regard to Vinny standing staring at them.

"Hello, is everthing ok" said one in halting English
"Money" says Vinny (man of few words)
"Sorry, in Germany we pay after" says the guy
"In Ireland you pay now" says Vinny

The German went into his pocket and pulled out a sheaf of notes and laid them on the counter.

"When you need, you take" says the German

Well Vinny extracted the required amount and left the change and kept that up for most of the day as the German's drank, boy could they drink. The day drew on and it came to closing time and as usual the front door was locked as the festivities began. The German's were great Craic and sang a couple of their own songs as they downed pint after pint.

At about 3am the one German who had a bit of English summoned Vinny.

Looking at his watch he asked "Sorry at what time do you close"

Vinny looked at the pile of notes on the counter and said..

"Around October"

Priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on January 27, 2009, 14:37:55 PM

Banjaxed (adj)

Very tired, broken beyond repair

(usage:) My arse was banjaxed after that vindaloo


And a word I use FAR too often these days.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: kinboshi on January 27, 2009, 14:47:10 PM
Brilliant stuff Ger.  I"ve only just managed to catch up on this thread - glad I did.  I"m getting some funny looks in the office though.

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on January 27, 2009, 14:51:04 PM
That Vinny story has always been one of my favs.  One mad night!!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 27, 2009, 15:13:25 PM
We had a caravan by the side of the shop whilst we were building it and the house. When both these were finished the caravan was there for a while. My great friend Richie Maloney and a friend of his were out one night and of course we had a few too many so we thought that we would bunk down in the caravan that night.

We were over in Scarriff and got a late night chippie and headed back to Bodyke to retire for the night. Early in the morning I thought I heard a noise at the back of the shop and got up to investigate. Richie and his mate stirred and decided to lend a hand in case there was trouble.

I grabbed a hurley that was in the caravan and went outside followed by the other two brave souls. I looked around and saw they had decided to arm themselves, Richie's mate had a chicken leg from the night before and Richie had a spoon in his hand, they were still drunk.

FFS I walked round the back and turned round the back of the shop, Richie's mate thought he saw someone and took off away from the shop into the field behind, Richie followed and they sprinted down the field shouting at the tops of their voices.

Their forward progress was interrupted by the stream at the foot of the field and they both fell in. FFS good job there was no-one trying to rob the place and I strolled down the field towards them.

"We've got the little fecker" says Richie
" Aye" shouts his mate "Good and proper"

I reached the stream and there they were wrestling with one of P J Hogans bull calves in the stream as its mother watched bemused from the other bank..

Priceless days, good craic
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 27, 2009, 16:55:15 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 27, 2009, 21:20:27 PM
When my sister and her husband came over from England for a holiday the ould lad decided to take them to the Galway Races one Saturday. I was helping my mother around the shop when the phone rang and I answered it.

"Hello" says I
"Where are you" says the ould lad (FFS in Morocco you eejit)
"What's up" says I
"The car's banjaxed" says he
"Oh" says I
"Come and get us NOW" says the ould lad
"And where might you be" I sighed
"In Gort of course" shouted he
"Where in Gort" says I
"Linnahans pub, where else" says he
"Where else" says I "I'll be 30 minutes"
"The way you drive I'll see you  in 10" and he slammed the phone down.

I drove to Gort and found them in Flannagan's , yes wrong pub. They were in fine form.

"Let's go then, we'll pick the car up tomorrow" says I
"You'll tow me" says the ould lad

Sigh, I attached the rope and they all piled into his car and I took off down the top road towards Bodyke. Passing through Kilanena the ould lad took to flashing the lights and I thought something must be up and I pulled over and the fecker rammed me. I got out and walked back.

"What's up" says I
"We need to get there today, now speed up you little eejit" says he

Well and truly pissed off, I had gone to pick him up, I was missing out on a few Saturday night pints. Speed up, I'll show him speed up. Well I took off and lammed it down the road, it was like a ball on the end of a piece of string as I screamed round corners like a lunatic. He started flashing again. Hah he had had enough. I stopped, the fecker rammed me again.

"What's up" says I
"That's better" says he "but take a detour past Con's" FFS that's his brother, lock up the brandy

I took off again and roared into the hotel courtyard (Uncle Con had a hotel), stopped, and yes the fecker rammed me again.

That was the end of the night as far as the ould lad was concerned, I took Maria & Mike home later and the ould lad followed in the milk truck at 6am

Priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 27, 2009, 23:28:33 PM
I really must get out more:

TV ads

Mouth wash -- Nude woman
Tootpaste - nude woman
Hair shampoo - nude woman

these I kinda understand, but

Biscuits  - nude woman
cars - nude woman

and last but not least

Dog hygene products - nude woman

Not complaining just a little perplexed
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 27, 2009, 23:39:33 PM
With apologies to Mary Schmich/Baz Luhrmann

Welcome the Walsall APAT

Fold A 10.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, folding A 10 would be it.

The long-term benefits of folding this hand have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your AA. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of these cards until they"ve been cracked by 5 4 off. But trust me, in 20 years, you"ll look back at blogs of yourself and recall in a way you can"t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous AA really looked. You are not as loose as you imagine.

Don"t worry about the chip leader. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve the odds of a three way multi stacked all-in by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that Ironside you at 4 a.m. in a lap dancing club on some idle Saturday morning.

Do one thing every day that scares you (re-raise me when I'm drunk).

Raise.

Don"t be reckless with other people"s money. Don"t put up with people who re-raise your pissy assed positional raise.

Raise.

Don"t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you"re ahead, sometimes you"re behind. The race is long and, in the end, it"s only against chipaccrual anyway.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell Scouse.

Keep your old player notes. Throw away your old bank statements.

Raise.

Don"t feel guilty if you don"t know what you want to do with your hand. The most interesting people I know didn"t know what they wanted to do with AK. Some of the most interesting 60-year-olds I know still don"t.

See plenty of pots. Be kind to your three's. You"ll miss them when they"re gone.

Maybe you"ll double up, maybe you won"t. Maybe you"ll have trips, maybe you won"t. Maybe you"ll bust out in the first level, maybe you"ll make the final table on your 75th attempt. Whatever you do, don"t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices might seem limited. So are everybody else"s.

Enjoy your reads. Use them every way you can. Don"t be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It"s the greatest poker instrument you"ll ever own.

Bluff, even if you have nowhere to do it but on your own PC.

Read the rules, even if you don"t follow them.

Do not read poker magazines. They will only make you feel stupid.

Get to know your opponents. You never know when they"ll next go all in. Be nice to your outdraw merchants. They"re your best link to the fact that you shouldn't have been in the hand anyway.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in odds calculation and verbal declarations, because the older you get, the more you need the people who understood you when you had money.

Play in Monte Carlo once, but leave before it makes you broke. Play in Brighton once, but leave before it drives you mad.

Raise.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Donkeys will raise. Richeo won't fold. You, too, will push in. And when you do, you"ll fantasize that when you were young, people respected your raises, you won most pots and other poker players respected you.

Raise.

Don"t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a big bankroll. Maybe you"ll find a wealthy sponsor. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don"t mess too much with your chips or by the time you"re 40 you will have arthritis.

Be careful whose advice you listen to, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the last bad beat, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it"s worth.

But above all trust me on the A 10
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 28, 2009, 12:14:20 PM
Not very well today and stayed at home..

5.000 channels and they all suck FFS
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Swinebag on January 28, 2009, 12:15:27 PM

Not very well today and stayed at home..

5.000 channels and they all suck FFS


Fire up a few tourneys then??
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: ForthThistle on January 28, 2009, 12:55:26 PM
School Break Rob ...
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on January 28, 2009, 14:37:12 PM
Hope u feel better later hun x
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: kinboshi on January 28, 2009, 14:37:48 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 28, 2009, 15:02:53 PM
A little advice for people going to Walsall,

Now me, I will play alphabet poker

A = Always lay down to a Kinboshi Raise
B = Beaten by a Kinboshi raise
C = Can"t call a Kinboshi raise
D = Dead in the water to a Kinboshi raise
E= Even if I have the nuts I can"t call a Kinboshi raise
F = Feck he"s raised again
G = Great hand Kinboshi -- You little shiite
H = Have it !!!!!!!
I = I fold
J = Jesus A"s again
K = Kill Kinboshi-- no that would be too quick
L = Leave it out Kinboshi that"s five times now
M = Mother of God -- if you raise again I will not be responsible for my actions
N = No way have you a straight -- Ah you have
O = Ok now its war
P = Perhaps you would like to rethink that bet -- no -- ok fold
Q = Quintessentially I think you have feck all -- oops wrong
R = Rotten luck him hitting runner runner -- oh well
T = That's the last time you raise me
U = Unlucky with that last call Duke
V = Visits to Kinboshi in hospital will be orderly and refined
W = What the Feck
X = X-ray vision -- he must have x-ray vision
Y = You are possibly the luckiest man alive
Z = Zoo -- Zoo -- you belong in a home for the criminally insane

Have a nice day and I hope you"re not on his table
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on January 28, 2009, 15:05:43 PM
:D :D :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: kinboshi on January 28, 2009, 15:16:15 PM
(http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc43/kinboshi/ROFL_MAO.jpg)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 28, 2009, 15:42:33 PM
Now my son was brought, kicking and screaming, into this world a healthy 9lbs 11ozs and to be honest has never been any trouble ever. I can count myself very lucky. When he was three years old (because of his mother's influence) he was a Queen fan and had all the moves and most of the words to their songs.

One day he was watching them on video when his older sister (she was 9) arrived in the room and changed over to the proper telly to watch some other tripe that wee girls watch. He went to protest and she pushed him away and he fell on his arse.

I watched this with a bit of interest and was about to intervene when I thought twice. Who do I support here, him because he was watching first, or her because he had been hogging the TV all day. Well before I could say anything Ger picked himself up and looked around the room. No histrionics, no yelling, just quiet determination etched on his face.

He went over to the hoover and surveyed it. He took the bottom bit off and disconnected the long tube from the top. Hefted in his hand (he was three remember) and looked at Marie

No, he wasn't, he wouldn't, he did........

He hit her from behind with the piece of plastic, if he was older he might have done damage. She sprawled on the floor and he calmly switch back to the video..

Bless.......
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 28, 2009, 16:02:14 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 28, 2009, 17:16:21 PM
We used to have a local pool team, we were crap but the Craic was good especially when we played other teams in their own place. We travelled to Kilanena and were due to play against Canny's pub. Now the inhabitants of this particular establishment were the proof that you can take the man out of the mountain but no way could you take the mountain out of the man.

Of course we all met up in Minouge's in the Village beforehand just to grease our elbows. There was two pubs in the village, the said Minogue's and Mike Slattery's bar for whom we played darts. No favouritism we shared our custom equally. 

Minouge's is no more and closed over 20 years ago a victim of apathy and in fighting but that's another story, and there are a few.

Anyway, we hit for the hills and arrived in good order for the game. We would usually go en mass and have a few supporters as well. Paschal O'Halloran was in the team and his brother Pat was one of the spectators. Now Pat was the exact opposite of Paschal, he enjoyed a drink and wouldn't say boo to a goose. He was at the bar enjoying the game when the following exchange occurred.

Pat lifted his pint and a rather large gentleman said

"That's not your pint"
"I think it is" says Pat
"It's not your pint" growled the man
"Umm I am sure it is" says Pat
"It's not your pint and don't argue with me because you have no backing" says the man

Paschal was playing a shot at the pool table and turned round, creamed the guy with the cue, turned round to complete his shot and said.

"That's to show he has backing, do you understand"

The game was forgotten and the melee began.

Good days, priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 29, 2009, 18:51:14 PM
We were in Mike Slattery's bar in Bodyke one summer's day and were having a lovely time. Of course the day ran into evening and into night and the doors were closed and the serious drinking started. It didn't last long, the door was rapped

"Guards on Duty, open up"

Well we really couldn't flee unless we wanted to get stung to death by the huge nettles at the back of Mikes, so we sat still whilst Mike opened the door. It was Sergeant Nolan and a new Guard whose name escapes me at the moment. They worked their way along the bar..

"Name?"
"Address?"
"Any reason for being on these premises?"

They got a few sarcastic comments, but in the main people were resigned to their fate. The Sergeant got to me.

"Name, Gerard ?" FFS what a plank
"Gerard Smyth, Sergeant" says I

"Address ?" FFS you just interviewed me at the shop 50mtrs down the road yesterday.
"Bodyke, Sergeant" says I

"Any reason for being on these premises?"
"Just came in to borrow a pitchfork, Sergeant" says I
"No reason then"
"No reason, Sergeant" says I

He continued until he had all the names and we were herded out into the car park whilst Mike got a lecture and they left and Mike locked the door.

Now John Burke was totally out of his tree and was attempting to open the door of his car completely oblivious to the fact that the Guards were watching him. He was trying to guide the key into the lock (No fobs in those days) by placing his two fingers around the lock and carefully running the key along his fingers hoping that it would eventually engage and open the door for him.

The Sergeant tapped him on the shoulder, and John turned round and squinted at him.

"Is this your car John ?" says the Sergeant
"Just one more payment Sergeant" says John


Priceless  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 29, 2009, 19:19:37 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on January 29, 2009, 19:31:02 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 29, 2009, 20:22:03 PM
donkey O'Deas, now there was a pub and a half it is one of Ireland's oldest family run pubs (established in 1695; licensed in 1790), situated on the Ennis to Kilrush road in a place called Lissycasey. This is a truly traditional pub, complete with a warm open turf fire which has been kept burning for over 200 years.
donkey O" Deas is also famous for the egg flip - a drink made from a secret recipe handed from generation to generation, it is the house speciality! After a few pints it can really get you going


(http://www.goireland.com/photos/28601_28700/donkey-o-deas-desc0-28652.jpg)

We pulled in there on the way back from playing a rugby match in Kilrush (Sunday evening) and left on Thursday. We had a tremendous time augmented by the continual playing of the fizz buzz drinking game (later on that alright).

Anyway we got so flutered that no one could drive and we slept in the car.

Started with a hair of the dog on Monday morning that turned into a full blown session. In those days you could get a round of drinks for three and two games of pool for a punt.

Monday Afternoon
"Will we be getting home" says Eamonn
"Aye Ok one more then" says we
"Ok, then we go"
"Aye"
Slept in car

Tuesday Morning
"Will we be getting home" says Eamonn
"Aye, OK we'll have one for the road" says we
"Ok, then we go"
"Aye"
Slept in car

Wednesday Morning
"Will we be getting home" says Eamonn
"Right let's go" says I
"Good we'll just have one for the road" says Eamonn he was warming to the task
"Ok, then we go"
"Aye"
Slept in car

Thursday ran out of money went home

Priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 29, 2009, 23:08:35 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 29, 2009, 23:27:19 PM
I am off to Swindon tomorrow for a huge system upgrade that I have to manage, I will be back approx next Thursday, So if I don"t post during this period please forgive me, I will be back as soon as humanly possible with more ramblings
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 29, 2009, 23:58:43 PM
With apologies to C W McAll

Breaker one nine this here"s the Donkey Duke
You got a copy on me Swinebag Come on

Ah Yeah ten four Swinebag for sure for sure
By golly it"s clean clear to Walsall Come on
Yeah it"s a big ten four there Swinebag
Yeah we definately got the front door good buddy
Mercy sakes alive looks like we got us a convoy

It was the dark of the moon on the 7th of Feb
in a Beamer haulin lots
Cab over Kinboshi with a reefer on & a Jimmy Eck haulin Scots

We was headin for bear on "M6 J one O"
bout a mile outa Walsall town
I says Swinebag this here"s the Donkey Duke
And I"m about to put the all in down

Cause we got a little old convoy rocking thru the night
Yeah we got a little APAT convoy ain"t she a beautiful sight
Come on & join our APAT convoy, ain"t nothin" gonna get in our way
We"re gonna roll this truckin" APAT convoy across the GUKPT

Ah breaker Swinebag this here"s the Duke
Ah you wanna back off them scots
Ah ten four about five mile or so
Ten Roger them Scots is gettin intense up here

By the time we got into Walsall town we had 85 cars in all
But there"s a road block up on the clover leaf
And them Des's was wall to wall
Yeah them APATers was thick as bugs on a bumper
They even had a Des in the air
I says callin all cars this here"s the Duke
And we about to go ahuntin Des

Ah you wanna give me a ten nine on that Swinebag
A Negatory Swinebag you"re still too close
Yeah them Scots startin to close up my sinuses
Mercy sakes you better back off another  ten

Well we rolled up Into Junction 10 like a rocket sled on rails
We tore up all of our cheat sheets & left em settin" on the scales
By the time we hit that shy town that Des was agettin smart
He'd brought up some reinforcements from the APAT National Guard
There"s armoured Tightys & TK's & Compo's & Cameras of every size
Yeah that Casino was full of Sky suits and swear words filled the skies
Well we shot the line & we went for broke with a thousand screaming cars
And eleven long haired friends of Bainn in a chartruse MicroBus

Ah Donkey Duke this is Cipaccrual come on
Ah yeah ten four Chipacurral ... listen you want to put that MicroBus
In behind that Lukybugur
Yeah he"s gone in with Shiite & he needs all the help he can get.


Well we laid a strip from the Walsall G and chips prepared to cross the line
I could see the pot was lined with fish but I didn"t give a doggone dime
I says Swinebag this here"s the Duke, we just ain"t a gonna pay no toll
So we crashed the pot with eight & eight I says let them chips roll ten four

Ah ten four Swinebag what"s your twenty
AT HOME
We"re gonna scare them Scots out there for sure
Well Mercy sakes good buddy, we"re gonna back on outta here
So keep the flushes off your table & Des off your ass
We"ll catch you on the coin flip
This here"s the Donkey Duke on the side
We gone Bye Bye.


Have a good day
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Dewi_cool on January 30, 2009, 00:02:07 AM
excellent stuff Ger. Good luck Ger Bach in Walsall ;)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 30, 2009, 00:03:51 AM

excellent stuff Ger. Good luck Ger Bach in Walsall ;)


He"s just lucky he never listens to me
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on January 30, 2009, 08:27:50 AM
 ::)   :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Swinebag on January 30, 2009, 15:01:04 PM

::)   :D


+1....speechless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on January 31, 2009, 00:42:02 AM


::)   :D


+1....speechless


lol +2.....thread not to show my wife methinks  :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on January 31, 2009, 00:48:59 AM
Couldn"t not post this photo on the APAT forum Ger.  The Duke and "the boys" in Vegas in 2008.

(http://lh3.ggpht.com/_exhtR7xaNzs/R_52Z2n92II/AAAAAAAAAlQ/W4gRqC-34_4/Chezger.jpg)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 31, 2009, 11:48:57 AM

Couldn"t not post this photo on the APAT forum Ger.  The Duke and "the boys" in Vegas in 2008.

(http://lh3.ggpht.com/_exhtR7xaNzs/R_52Z2n92II/AAAAAAAAAlQ/W4gRqC-34_4/Chezger.jpg)


The invisible men -- can anyone else see a picture

By the way Swindon is not the best of towns to go for a piss up -- no offence to any Swindonians
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: technolog on January 31, 2009, 13:40:22 PM
It"s this old pic Ger - I"m sure we"re all a little more, ahem, ripped now.

(http://www2.mediafire.com/imgbnc.php/60134c7c4dbd1aea9be659255f1f49ac6g.jpg)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 01, 2009, 08:22:58 AM
I was in Limerick one night and wandered back to my car when I spotted my passenger car door open. I looked around and could see no one in the vicinity and walked nearer the car. I could see two legs sticking out of the door.

I checked the reg on the car, Yep it was my car alright. I reached the door and leaned on the top of it. There was a young lad with his head under the dashboard fiddling about.

"Ahem" I coughed
"Feck off and find your own car to rob" says he

Well the inside of the passenger door had lost its inside stuff (I took it off and didn't bother to fix it back a while ago) and it was pure metal. So I opened the door to its fullest extent and slammed it shut on his legs. There was a satisfying crunch as it connected and a startled cry of pain.

I grabbed his legs and dragged him from the car. Unfortunately his head also cracked off the door sill as I did, which made him forget the pain in his leg momentarily. He was sprawled on the pavement not knowing whether to hold his head or his leg.

I closed the passenger door and got in and drove home.

Kids eh !!!!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on February 01, 2009, 10:16:52 AM
LOL!

Quote
Unfortunately his head also cracked off the door sill"??


That"s a brucey bonus if you ask me! I"d have aimed to clip his feet / legs with the back wheels too as I departed!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 01, 2009, 10:23:37 AM
O"Connors In Doolin is a great pub for traditional music and was a place I visited many a time

(http://www.jandekregor.com/images/2008.06.24%20-%20Day%203/West%20rail%20tour%20-%20Doolin%20-%20O%27Connors%20outside.JPG)

We had great craic there and sometimes would camp in a field overlooking the Atlantic. You would wake up in the morning and your hangover would disappear with a combination of magnificent scenery and gale force winds....

Myself and Eamonn Stuart were there one weekend and we were staying in a tent. We were having tremendous fun in the pub, listening to the music and chatting up some of the female population.

Eamonn latched onto one wee english girl in particular and seemed to be getting on famously. Whilst I as usual struck out, so I stuck to drinking. Eamonn came over and told me he was off out and would I be so kind as to not come back to the tent for at least an hour. No problem the bar was open.

He headed off arm in arm with this wee girl and I went back to sampling the great Guinness on offer. Who should come in then but Eamonn"s father with a couple of other people. I shook hands and was introduced to the couple. It turned out the man was Eamonn"s uncle who had emigrated some 20 years previously.

We chatted for a while and Eamonn"s uncle turned to his wife and said.

"Where"s Breda" says the uncle
"Must be in another pub" says his wife
"Where"s Eamonn" says Eamonn"s father
"Off out for a bit of fresh air" says I

Oh Oh !!!

"What does Breda look like" says I

They described Eamonn"s woman to a tee. I made an excuse and left the pub and legged it up the road. I shouted outside the tent and Eamonn came out.

"Feck off Ger, I doing well here" says he thankfully still fully clothed
"Eamonn she"s your first cousin" says I
"WHAT" says he
"Your fathers in the pub with your uncle" says I
"FECK" says he

It"s a small world eh..... a lucky escape, of course he had to explain to the girl who gave a little shriek and ran off down the road. We didn"t go to the pub and left for Mayo he following morning......
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 01, 2009, 12:02:41 PM
In 1976 I was playing senior rugby and considered myself extremely fit. I was training 3 nights a week and playing every weekend. We played a match against a touring Australian side and were getting hammered. I was playing lock and in the lineout my opposite number was getting the better of me all the time.

My captain told me in no uncertain terms that I was to address the anomaly. Now the only way to do this was to hit him.

In the next lineout I left it uncontested and as he came down from his leap I rammed my elbow under his ribs. Now this would cripple a normal man. He wasn't normal, he grunted, landed, fed the ball back and then hit me.

I woke up with a crowd around me trying to focus on the trainer's hand to count fingers.

In the next lineout, he turned to me.

"Are we going to stop that Shiite" says he
"Yes" says I
"Good" says he.

Hard man, much harder than I would ever be, we had a few pints after. priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on February 01, 2009, 13:00:00 PM
Lol...great read, this blog just keeps on giving.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 01, 2009, 15:59:53 PM
Most of the time our household was a happy place (well if I kept out the ould lad's way) but whenever elections came up either local or National, battle lines were drawn. You see my Mother was Fine Gael and the ould lad was Fianna Fail. Now I can't be arsed to explain the in and outs of the different parties except they were the two largest. There was a fledgling Labour Party at the time as well. Google FTW if you want to find out more.

Anyway a couple of weeks before the elections they would avoid each other and my mother being the quiet soul that she was would suffer in stoic silence as the ould lad would go about his daily work muttering snide remarks like "fecking blueshirts".

The traditional make up of families would be if your family was one side or the other all your children and their children would be the same. So with the family split I used to wish I had taken holidays at this point.

"Who you voting for" says the ould lad
"Secret ballot" says I
"Secret my fecking arse, you have a duty" says he
"To who Fianna Fail" says I
"Of course" says he "Your family always voted that way"

My mother on the other hand would be more subtle, dropping little hints along the way.

"You know what to do, three sausages this morning son ?" says she
"I always brought you up to do the right thing" says she

Voting day came and it was held in the school and we all dutifully traipsed down and voted in order of our choice (it is proportional representation in Ireland). I went to the pub after voting and had a couple and then arrived home and the black cloud had lifted from the house now the deed was done with the odd couple all lovey dovey again.

"Who did you vote for then" beamed the ould lad
"Secret ballot" says I
"You can tell us it's over now" says the Ma
"Well I couldn't make up my mind, given your arguments for and against so I voted Labour" says I

I was not spoken to by either parent for at least a fortnight.

FML it was a lose/lose and I might as well have had both mad at me as one, at least that way they were talking to one another....
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on February 01, 2009, 18:41:25 PM
LMAO Priceless..
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on February 01, 2009, 19:31:14 PM
dont ask me why..i have no idea...but i wanted to know how many words in the total blog thus far..as it is all been quality..

41,476 words just for duke"s enteries..if your interested.

:)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 04, 2009, 16:23:07 PM
Please forgive the lack of posts as I am working flat out on this project in Swindon. Normal service will be resumed next week.

See you in Walsall (If 1. I can get there from here with the snow that"s promised and 2. If this fecking project gets signed off (close very close today just one issue))
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on February 04, 2009, 17:19:34 PM
Missing your posts hun, hurry back :)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on February 04, 2009, 17:53:23 PM

Missing your posts hun, hurry back :)


+1
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on February 04, 2009, 19:31:12 PM
By the time he gets back, it will have felt like the longest week of his life!!!  lol
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: technolog on February 04, 2009, 19:43:46 PM


...I am working flat out on this project...



Not too much Corona NFL now Ger!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 05, 2009, 18:14:01 PM
Project successfully completed and now back in Maison Chezger - 19hr days not good for the constitution.  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 05, 2009, 18:36:27 PM
During my job with De Beers I was seconded to the head office in South Africa. A couple of incidents will follow.

One incident has a particular relevance to the fact that if the Irish had a £1 for every bad Irish joke told we would be very rich.

I was in a bar in Pretoria after a particular boring training day. There is only so much Data General 4GL Shiite you can take. I was the only patron in the bar chatting to the Barmaid. Now when I was in South Africa most bars were men only but you had barmaids, you figure..

Anyway three rather large gentlemen walked  into the bar and were talking amongst themselves and must have copped the accent. They then proceeded to tell very loud and very bad Irish jokes. Well if there is one trait we have as a nation that is the wonderful ability to laugh at ourselves. So I walked over and told them another Irish joke, and a better one I might add.

Well, they were gob smacked and didn't know where to place themselves so they did the only thing open to intelligent people. They asked me outside for a pasting.

Well one I might accommodate, two at a pinch, but three heavies no fecking way.

I graciously accepted the offer and led the way to the door. The door as with all good bar doors opened out and was inlaid with steel. As I passed through the threshold I held the door open for the three grinning apes and as the first one was within range I slammed the door in his face, heard a satisfying crunch and legged it up the road.

Me Ma didn't raise an eejit.....

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 05, 2009, 18:52:37 PM
I was involved in a minor traffic accident in Springs where the manufacturing plant was and the police were called. Now I was the aggrieved in that I was rammed from behind and the traffic police arrived and decided to charge the guy in the car that rammed me.

In order to arrest this gentleman they had to take a statement from me and call the SAP who had the power of arrest as the traffic guys didn't. WTF he had a sidearm, a uniform and a patrol car but couldn't officially arrest anyone.

"You can't arrest him" says I
"No, we have called the SAP" says he
"Then what would you do if he decided to run away" says I
"I would shoot him" says he "I can't arrest him but I can shoot him if he tries to leave the scene of an accident"

What a beautifully confused country..........
 
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: kinboshi on February 05, 2009, 21:22:46 PM
More, more!!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 05, 2009, 21:23:00 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 06, 2009, 15:51:25 PM
I was in America with work and was in Cinncinati, Ohio. In the hotel where we were staying I was in the bar and struck up a conversation with someone at the bar.

"You from Ireland" says he
"Aye" says I
"Have you ever been to Charleville" says he
"Aye I have" says I
"Goddamn you must know my Grand daddy" says he beaming

FFS I know it's a small Island but do they think we all know each other

"Ah I probably don't" says I
"Everybody knows John Sullivan" says he
"Nope, don't recollect the name" says I

Well he got the fecking hump and picked up his drink and walked to the other end of the bar.

"What was that all about" I said to the barman
"You hurt his feelings" says the barman
"Does the eejit expect all Irishmen to know everyone in Ireland" says I
"You mean you don't" says he and disappears to the end of the bar to join Mr disgruntled and discuss the awkward man from Ireland. Leaving me perplexed to say the least.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 06, 2009, 15:57:40 PM
Now there are a number of people in this little old world of ours who believe in fairies, ghosts and other things to do with the supernatural.

Now I must say that I do not fall into this category.

We lost 4 priests in the parish, in quick succession, a good few years ago and of course it was because they had moved into a new bungalow that was built on a mass path in a direct line between two fairy forts.

Of course it had nothing to do with the fact that they were all in their 90's before they arrived.


The first wife had a habit of going to clairvoyants at least twice a year and coming back and pontificating on how accurate and insightful they were.

"She told me I was in Dublin recently" --- FFS nice generalisation
"She told me I would have a career change in the future" --- Eyes to heaven
"You don't believe this do you" --- big sigh
"I can tell" --- FFS become a clairvoyant yourself, you are soooo good
"We then talked about you" --- FFS here it comes
"She said that when you were quiet it wasn't anything sinister and I was to leave you alone"

"I always told you these people know what they are talking about" says I

Never one to miss and opportunity and change sides me !!!!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 06, 2009, 16:01:18 PM
Had a cold call at home the other night.

"Hello, can I speak to Mr Smyth please" says the voice
"Speaking" says I

Voice gets brighter..

"It's Brian here from BT, have I got a deal for you" says smart lad
sigh here we go, I don"t reply
"Hello" panic in smart lads voice
"I'm here" says I
"Is it ok if I ask you a few questions" says perky boy
"Fire away" says I

"Do you use you mobile a lot" says smiley
"Yes, quite a lot actually" says I
"I can save you a packet then" says enthusiastic man
"Bet you can't" says I
"Ah a challenge Mr Smyth, Good, Good" gushes kindergarden kid

"How much do you pay for your calls" says bright as a button boy
"Nothing" says I
"Good, good, now how much is your contract per month" says still enthused lad
"Nothing" says I

"Nothing, Company phone then" says deflated child
"Yep" says sadistic man

Phone goes dead ... priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 06, 2009, 16:02:39 PM
See you all in Walsall tomorrow, no wee drop of the white stuff is going to keep me away..........
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 06, 2009, 21:00:14 PM
watch out Walsall - decided to play a little poker on line tonight.

2 STT"s  1st & 3rd



Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 08, 2009, 16:16:38 PM
The trip to Walsall was terrific and very enjoyable. Played pretty OK for a goodly while and then in a lapse of concentration I made a call that was silly in the extreme and never recovered. We will chalk that down to experience. The wee man enjoyed the day immensely and now that you have met him it's time for the cringing stories about the children that they would rather you never posted.

You know, the embarrassing stories that Fathers come out with on their daughter's wedding day..

The wee man was about 3 years old and went through a phase of hating being dressed and would strip off at a moments notice and walk around in the buff.

One day the door was rapped and his mother went to answer it. It was the Jehovah's Witnesses, and if it was me at the door they would have been told politely but firmly that I was not interested. But Gabrielle would listen to them and even invite them in sometimes. Now I am not knocking the group as a whole or their dedication, but it's not for me.

Anyway they were well into their spiel when the wee man upped sticks and sauntered out into the hall. He stood beside his mother and got the usual ohh's and ahh's from the people at the door. He then proceeded to take all his clothes off and pose in front of the assembled people at the door whilst scatching at his nether regions.

Well, they didn't where to put themselves and made excuses and left in a hurry. I dare say that is not a tactic he would employ now..

priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 09, 2009, 17:48:39 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 09, 2009, 18:11:31 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: SirPercival on February 09, 2009, 18:31:47 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 09, 2009, 18:35:42 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on February 09, 2009, 21:48:13 PM
Your always gr8 Ger :) was wonderful to see you during the weekend, always a pleasure to be in your company.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 09, 2009, 21:55:08 PM
(http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f8/littleblue71/smilies/thblushing.gif)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Robert HM on February 10, 2009, 10:04:52 AM
"twas good to see you and yours this weekend Ger.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 10, 2009, 10:18:18 AM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 10, 2009, 10:44:58 AM
In 1989 the company I work for took over a larger retail company and we inherited various warehouses around the country. One such warehouse was a freezer shed in Stratford, east London.

I was sent down to investigate the layout with a view to integrating it into our WMS system. Now the workers in this depot were mostly ex-dockers and were as hard as nails. You know the type, they would be working in the freezer in their shirt sleeves whilst moving pallets around without the aid of a forklift.

I was in the freezer investigating the racking layout and labelling system with the then depot manager. We had attracted a crowd of onlookers in a semi circle behind us as we discussed the situation.

"How difficult will it be to load the existing map and inventory" says the manager
"Not to hard, we just need to measure it up and collect the X,Y,Z co-ordinates" says I
"We can then uplift the current inventory from your legacy systems.

I looked around and the brows were furrowed in the crowd behind us.

"The only thing though" says I "is that we will have to make your aisles numeric"

The aisles had letter demarcation and at that time we needed them to be numeric. Well the spokesman of the crowd moved forward coming towards me. I was in full freezer gear and he had shorts and a tee shirt. He had tattoos on top of tattoos, with a large "I love Mum" on his huge bicep.

He stood in front of me, looked down (and I ain't exactly tiny)  and uttered the immortal words.

"I like letters"

Good job I was a couple of hundred miles away when we went numeric..

Priceless..
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 10, 2009, 16:15:48 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on February 10, 2009, 16:16:59 PM
LOL! Burds  ::)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 10, 2009, 16:41:03 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 10, 2009, 16:44:38 PM
As I typed the last post I was thinking I might be applying double standards where the wee man is concerned.

It might be more of a

"Go get em Son"

(http://dune.servint.com/uploads/c_laugh.gif)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 10, 2009, 16:49:42 PM
An aside to the post about the lad at the door.

Marie has always been honest and we enjoy a good chat now and again. She was in the sixth form and came home to tell me that I was discussed in the common room that day.

It was mixed company and the conversation in the room was centered around the right time to bring a lad or girl home to meet the parents. There were pros and cons and the discussion rambled on with differing views, until one of the girls asked Marie for her opinion.

Before she could speak one of the lads piped up.

"Never, have you seen her fecking Father"

Healthy respect IMO
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: AMRN on February 10, 2009, 17:08:19 PM
This blog is so damned good - better than most novels!

next update.... gimme gimme
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on February 10, 2009, 17:13:32 PM
It"s superb, love it !
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: KarmaDope on February 10, 2009, 17:21:49 PM
So Ger, what would happen if some bloke came knocking at the door for young Marie now then? ;)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 10, 2009, 17:32:11 PM

So Ger, what would happen if some bloke came knocking at the door for young Marie now then? ;)


You and I know that would be cause for the fatted calf and a weeks celebration
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on February 10, 2009, 17:44:16 PM


So Ger, what would happen if some bloke came knocking at the door for young Marie now then? ;)


You and I know that would be cause for the fatted calf and a weeks celebration


LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: KarmaDope on February 10, 2009, 17:51:31 PM


So Ger, what would happen if some bloke came knocking at the door for young Marie now then? ;)


You and I know that would be cause for the fatted calf and a weeks celebration


That"ll be some celebration!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 10, 2009, 17:54:04 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: AMRN on February 10, 2009, 17:58:52 PM

I made it to first break and was standing around minding my own business when I was confronted by a couple of fifth year thugs intent on mischief. I was ordered to lay down my jacket in order that they could walk over a puddle without getting their feet wet. Now I am a natural coward and could see all the eyes in the playground on me.


so school wasn"t a forerunner for your poker career then?   ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: rubertoe on February 10, 2009, 18:00:11 PM
I love this Blog -

I hope to make it to the dinner break someday!!!

Gotta have ambitions ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 10, 2009, 18:00:30 PM


I made it to first break and was standing around minding my own business when I was confronted by a couple of fifth year thugs intent on mischief. I was ordered to lay down my jacket in order that they could walk over a puddle without getting their feet wet. Now I am a natural coward and could see all the eyes in the playground on me.


so school wasn"t a forerunner for your poker career then?   ;D


(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/hells/lala.gif)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 10, 2009, 18:31:07 PM
With apologies to Rudyard Kipling


If you can keep your chips when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust your raise when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their re-raise too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being bluffed about, don"t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don"t give way to hating,
And yet don"t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can shove--and not make shoves your master,
If you can bluff--but not make bluffs your aim;
If you can meet with bad beats and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth that's spoken
Twisted by Kings to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the Queens you gave your life to, broken,
And scoop and build your stack up with the great seven two:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of the river,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To bet the turn with absolute trash that's gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold Em!"

If you can talk trash with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or pass with AK -- nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men bow before you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds" worth of solid staring,
Yours is the Earth and everything that"s in it,
And--which is more--you"ll be a Man, my son!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 10, 2009, 20:32:59 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 10, 2009, 21:02:13 PM
While I try and get a few of my fuddled brain cells in a row in order to dump some more drivel on you I have a little poser for you.

In 1976 I received an award for something from the office of the President of Ireland (funnily enough he resigned shortly after, an extra point for his name)

-- any guesses what it was for.....

Prize for the winner
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 10, 2009, 22:46:32 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MintTrav on February 11, 2009, 00:02:44 AM

While I try and get a few of my fuddled brain cells in a row in order to dump some more drivel on you I have a little poser for you.

In 1976 I received an award for something from the office of the President of Ireland (funnily enough he resigned shortly after, an extra point for his name)

-- any guesses what it was for.....

Prize for the winner


I"ll just have the prize for the extra point for naming Cearbhall O"Dalaigh, the most controversial of all Ireland"s Presidents, cos no-one will guess what you got the award for. Did you win a gold medal at the Montreal Olympics?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 11, 2009, 00:08:38 AM


While I try and get a few of my fuddled brain cells in a row in order to dump some more drivel on you I have a little poser for you.

In 1976 I received an award for something from the office of the President of Ireland (funnily enough he resigned shortly after, an extra point for his name)

-- any guesses what it was for.....

Prize for the winner


I"ll just have the prize for the extra point for naming Cearbhall O"Dalaigh, the most controversial of all Ireland"s Presidents, cos no-one will guess what you got the award for. Did you win a gold medal at the Montreal Olympics?


Extra point to that man (simple for an man of your education John) and unless they had smoking and drinking at the olympics - no
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Dewi_cool on February 11, 2009, 00:25:31 AM

While I try and get a few of my fuddled brain cells in a row in order to dump some more drivel on you I have a little poser for you.

In 1976 I received an award for something from the office of the President of Ireland (funnily enough he resigned shortly after, an extra point for his name)

-- any guesses what it was for.....

Prize for the winner


you won the Gold in the Gaisce National Challenge Award,
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 11, 2009, 08:29:32 AM


While I try and get a few of my fuddled brain cells in a row in order to dump some more drivel on you I have a little poser for you.

In 1976 I received an award for something from the office of the President of Ireland (funnily enough he resigned shortly after, an extra point for his name)

-- any guesses what it was for.....

Prize for the winner


you won the Gold in the Gaisce National Challenge Award,


Nice try but that has 4 categories

   *  A Community Involvement
   * A personal skill
   * A physical recreation
   * A venture activity

really can you ever see that from me even when younger, you"re having a Giraffe, the first one maybe, but no try again
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on February 11, 2009, 08:55:31 AM

While I try and get a few of my fuddled brain cells in a row in order to dump some more drivel on you I have a little poser for you.

In 1976 I received an award for something from the office of the President of Ireland (funnily enough he resigned shortly after, an extra point for his name)

-- any guesses what it was for.....

Prize for the winner


You signed that bit of paper agreeing not to drink until you hit 21.  They believed you"d achieved it, sending you a note of recognition/congratulations.  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 11, 2009, 09:01:54 AM
OMG we have entered the Twilight Zone, the pioneer pin rejected me
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on February 11, 2009, 09:05:57 AM
Well I cant find what its for, had a wee time searching. Only thing I found which might be was when he presented awards on 4 October 1976, but for what im still lookin lol.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 11, 2009, 09:39:00 AM
It wasn"t from him personally, it came from his office and was posted
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on February 11, 2009, 10:19:47 AM
In that case could be anything :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Shogun112 on February 11, 2009, 11:18:32 AM
Was it for poetry?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 11, 2009, 11:23:18 AM
No - not even close
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 11, 2009, 11:31:52 AM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 11, 2009, 12:51:51 PM
The River Shannon  is, at 386 km (240 miles), the longest river in Ireland. The river represents a major physical barrier between east and west, with fewer than twenty crossing-points between Limerick city in the south and the village of Dowra in the north.

By tradition the Shannon is said to rise in the Shannon Pot, a small pool on the slopes of Cuilcagh Mountain in County Cavan.

It is a favourite for pleasure cruises because, as far as I can remember, it only has 3 or 4 locks in it's entire length. One summer myself, Frank Ryne, Michael O'Meara and Denis Touhy decided to take a week on one of these cruisers.

My mother, bless her, had filled a box full of provisions for the week and when we arrived we were pleasantly surprised to find that our 4 berth had been upgraded to a 6 berth complete with large fridge. The box of provisions was stored in a cupboard, a fridge is for beer right.

Mike was a total abstainer and never drank in his life, however he was as mad as a hatter and therefore was given the task of driving the boat, while we got bladdered. We started in Killaloe and drove (sailed?) north. We had decided to go as far as we could on the first day, but only made the far side of Lough Derg because there was a nice pub in Garrykennedy, sigh don't dive off a moored boad while pissed and there is only 3 feet of water.

The next day we headed north again and managed to make shannonbridge, it was a nice trip and we had great Craic on the way (more detail later). On day 4 we had to turn back and head south and the first lock we entered on the way back had room for 4 boats. We nudged our way in and bumped the boat next to us and got a mouthful of abuse from some Dutch tourists and it was all we could do to stop Denis organising a boarding party.

Because there was a very small fixed price for using the lock we used to tip the keeper handsomely for his time. It was a lovely day and there was another boat making its way to the lock. It looked about 10-15 minutes away and as there was room in the lock the keeper was waiting, so we didn't care. However the Dutch crew was giving the keeper a hard time about the wait (also they had only paid him the minimum) and it was getting a little heated. We had to sit on Denis for a second time.

When the boat arrived and it was in the lock the keeper shut the gates. When you go down the river it drops obviously so you keep a loose rope through the fixed eyelet on the wall and feed the rope through as you go down in order to keep the boat from bumping other boats. We had had enough of that.

I looked across and noticed that the Dutch had tied their ropes to the wall while they were waiting and had forgotten to release them. I was about to shout across when then keeper caught my eye and shook his head. I stayed quiet and watched.

As the level dropped the rope got taught and by the time the Dutch had noticed their mistake the rope was too tightly strung to undo it. Well the boat started to lean and the Dutch were scrabbling about trying to reach the ropes, falling about as the boat leaned more and more. Then the cleats on the boat cracked with the weight and popped out causing a huge amount of damage and the boat dropped with a splash.

Well we were in bits as we drove out of the lock whilst stopping Denis from taking off a particularly gobby tourist's head with the bill hook.

priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MintTrav on February 11, 2009, 13:06:22 PM
I can see the family resemblance! That photo must be like looking in a mirror for you.

Were you the only one or did others get awards as well?

Which of these is the closest?
- First Irishman in space
- World record for hula-hooping
- Supporting the Irish brewing industry during a difficult period
- Did you precede Vincent Pilkington as the fastest turkey-plucker in the world?http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/records/amazing_feats/unusual_skills/fastest_time_to_pluck_a_turkey.aspx (http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/records/amazing_feats/unusual_skills/fastest_time_to_pluck_a_turkey.aspx)


Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 11, 2009, 13:10:35 PM
None near -- however it was for giving assistance

Edit: sorry there was a few of us
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 11, 2009, 13:23:07 PM
He is now officially my hero

Quote from Guinness World Records

"Vincent Pilkington of Cootehill, County Cavan, Republic of Ireland, plucked a turkey in 1 minute 30 seconds on November 17, 1980. His past best time was 2 minutes 44 seconds. Vincent is so enthusiastic about his skills that he even carried out 24 hours of turkey plucking to raise funds for his local Holy Family School. In this time he plucked 244 turkeys."

fasted plucker in the world -- what a plucker -- fair plucks to him
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 11, 2009, 14:16:21 PM
On the Shannon when we pulled into Dromod and parked (moored?) the boat, we strolled up town for a few pints. As I said Mike didn't drink but was absolutely, stark, raving, mad. We were in this establishment and were having a good time and Frank (who was hard to understand at the best of times) was getting incomprehensible. Some soft lad asked him a question.

"You're not from here" says soft lad
"Gerrawayay" says Frank
"Where are you from then" says soft lad
"lisshaonorrr" says Frank
"Where?" says soft lad
"Feshking Lisshonnnnorr" says Frank loudly
"You taking the piss" says soft lad
"whaddayaymeansh" says Frank

At this point Mike ups and takes a lump out of soft lad, soft lad's brother takes a lump out of me and Denis, bless him throws a punch and of course misses landing in a heap on the floor where he stayed for the rest of the evening.

Frank, who had trouble focusing at the best of times, was shouting at the top of his voice in a language unknown to all of us. The scrap, mid melee,  paused as we all watched and listened in wonder at this speech in a language most alien.

It was wonderous, not one word was understood by anyone. We all sat down and reached for our drinks looking at each other in bewilderment as Frank continued for a good 20 minutes of ranting.

He eventually stopped took a bow and passed out on the floor. Soft lad and his friends helped us get Denis and Frank back to the boat and we toasted their health to the wee hours as the two boys snored in happy slumber.

The following morning when Frank awoke and was asked about the night before, he looked at us with disgust. It turned out that he thought that soft lad wanted him to sing and as he couldn't sing he recited the whole of the "Midnight Court" by Brian Merriman.

Well I congratulated him on his mastery of the Irish Language and his memory.

"Irish, I can't speak a word, that was all in English" says he..

Priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 11, 2009, 22:17:35 PM
Home game went as normal tonight

KK -- K on flop - fish kept calling and filled a flush
Flush on turn -- bet out -- called  -- spade on river for a bigger flush -- he had the A (the river filled his flush)
Allin with shiite -- hope on turn -- disaster on river

Normal

Second game about to start
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on February 11, 2009, 22:41:09 PM
GL TID :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 11, 2009, 23:20:23 PM

GL TID :D


Bokked

I bet every street (OK I had KJ) on a A Q 8 flop

a 3 turn

and all in on a 9 river

I was called by




7 7


FML or am I that transparent
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: KarmaDope on February 12, 2009, 00:13:55 AM


GL TID :D


Bokked

I bet every street (OK I had KJ) on a A Q 8 flop

a 3 turn

and all in on a 9 river

I was called by




7 7


FML or am I that transparent


Depends who it is calling ya down!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 12, 2009, 00:16:29 AM
You were missing -- it was Scotty FFS
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: KarmaDope on February 12, 2009, 16:06:45 PM
Of course I was missing, I live 250+ miles away now :(

Scotty called you down - wow, must have been giving off a tell!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 12, 2009, 17:34:59 PM
My sister Maria was over on holiday from England and was joined by her then boyfriend Neville. Now, I was staying below in the house opposite the church at the time and to prevent any nocturnal hanky panky my Father demanded Maria slept above by the shop and Neville would bunk down with me.


"Remove the temptation, remove the inevitable outcome" he growled


Now Neville stood about 6' 4" in his socks and was built like a brick Shiite House with a huge mop of unruly black hair. He was a lovely lad and he should have gone on and married the sister, but didn't, and that's another story...

Early one morning there was a rap at the door and I got up and answered it to find Josie Gleeson in a bit of a state. Now Josie and her brother Mick were well into their eighties and lived next to the church nearly opposite our house.

"Ger, you'd better come I think Mick is dead" cried Josie,
"Right Maam lets go and see" says I

Neville called to see if he could assist and I told him to stay there and I'd be back shortly.


Josie had crossed the road and I scampered across and we entered through the back door and into the living room and sure enough Mick was in the chair still and serene in repose. I did a quick check and sure enough the poor misfortune had indeed passed away.

"Sorry for your troubles Josie, Mick has indeed passed on" says I
"We must say a decade of the rosary" says she

So we removed Mick's shoes, something Josie insisted upon, lit a couple of candles and knelt down to say the rosary.

At that particular moment Neville appeared at the back door. The sun was just rising and was directly behind him and he filled the door with an eerie glow of the morning sun around him,

"Hi, it's Neville, I've come to help" he growled in his deep voice

Well, Josie let out one hell of a scream and promptly fainted on the floor at Mick's feet.

"Go and get my Father" says I and Neville headed off.

Josie started to come round and I helped her into a chair.

"Who was that" she stammered
"That was Neville, Maria's boyfriend over from England" says I
"Thank God" says she "I thought he said he was the Devil come to take Mick"


I phoned the Doctor and he said he was on his way. In the meantime my father had arrived and I shot to the back door to tell Neville he had better nip back over to the house as Josie was still a little apprehensive about letting the "devil" into her house.

Doctor Flynn arrived and in his best bedside manner promptly declared Mick dead (No Shiite Sherlock) and demanded £20 for his troubles. I knew I should have gone to medical school.

The ould lad, ever the entrepreneur, sealed the rights to the funeral and proceeded to make arrangements.


Innocent times sorely missed,
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 12, 2009, 19:21:54 PM
Lock up all virtuous women
Cancel the leave of all loose women
Double the beer order
Order the ear plugs
Brush off the yellow cards


CHEZGER are going on tour, with plenty of notice --

Date: November 2009
Venue: Las Vegas

all welcome on the tour bus. start saving and join the legendary crew

The Charge Of Chezger Brigade (With apologies to Alfred, Lord Tennyson)
Memorializing Events in the Battle of Las Vegas, April 2008


Half a brain half a brain,
Half a brain between them,
All in the valley of Vegas
Rode the six hunted:
"Forward, the Chezger Brigade!
Charge for the tables" he said:
Into the valley of Vegas
Rode the six hunted.

"Forward, the Chezger Brigade!"
Was there a man dismay"d ?
Not tho" the dealer knew
Some one had blunder"d:
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but raise, call or die,
Into the valley of Vegas
Rode the six hunted.

Shogun to right of them,
Slider to left of them,
Technolog in front of them
Duke & Dan350 thunder"d;
RichEo at cash and ringing the bell,
Boldly they played and well,
Into the flops of Death,
Into the raises from Hell
Rode the six hunted.

Flush"d all their cards bare,
Flush"d as they turn"d nowhere
Raising the eejits there,
Charging a casino while
All the world wonder"d:
Plunged in the cigarette-smoke
Right thro" the line they broke;
American & Canadian
Reel"d from the master-stroke,
Shatter"d & sunder"d.
Then they sat back, but not
Not the six hunted.

Shogun to right of them,
Slider to left of them,
Technolog in front of them
Duke & Dan350 thunder"d;
RichEo at cash and ringing the bell,
While one or two of them fell,
They that had fought so well
Came thro" the jaws of Vegas,
Back from the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of them,
Left of six hunted.

When can their glory fade?
O the wild plays they made!
All the world wonder"d.
Honour the trip they made!
Honour the Chezger Brigade,
Noble six hunted!





Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on February 13, 2009, 09:53:39 AM


GL TID :D


Bokked

I bet every street (OK I had KJ) on a A Q 8 flop

a 3 turn

and all in on a 9 river

I was called by




7 7


FML or am I that transparent


Against you?  Live?!  That"s an insta call!   ;D :-*
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 13, 2009, 18:09:10 PM



GL TID :D


Bokked

I bet every street (OK I had KJ) on a A Q 8 flop

a 3 turn

and all in on a 9 river

I was called by




7 7


FML or am I that transparent


Against you?  Live?!  That"s an insta call!   ;D :-*


 JUST
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 13, 2009, 18:17:56 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 13, 2009, 18:26:31 PM
I once owned (owned is probably a wrong word as no one owned this animal) a dog which latched himself onto me as I walked home late one morning. It appeared about 2 miles from the village with bared fangs and a growl in its throat. I had no real fear of animals and in the state I was in I had no fear of anything. I growled right back and kept on walking.


The dog dropped into place behind me and kept its counsel all the way home as I had a one way conversation with it. I went in home after telling the stupid eejit to feck off and thought no more of it.

I got up in the morning and spotted the dog in the barn watching me with wary eyes. He had no collar and in the light of day looked like a cross between a greyhound and a beagle. Taking pity I returned inside and rustled up something for the creature to eat and drink. Putting it beside him he looked warily at me and didn't move. I shrugged and went back inside, looking out the window the dog was tucking in.

"Big mistake, feeding the dog" says the ould lad "Now he won't go away"
"No problem" says I
"He has no collar and looks like a whipped dog" says he
"No problem" says I
"He will be" says he

That dog was with me for the next year or so and totally devoted and obedient. He would never come into the house, invited or not, and slept in the barn. He was the most obnoxious, vicious and bad tempered whore to everyone else (especially the ould lad) and people soon learned to leave him alone.

When I took him out in the fields he was like a flash of lightening when after game, catching up to, but never attacking, just seeming to like the chase. So it was a blow when the ould lad collared me in the kitchen.

"The dog's killing sheep" says he
"Feck off" says I "Who says"
"T J Hogan" says he

Well T J Hogan had land at the back of us and indeed was an honest man so I had no reason not to believe something was worrying his sheep. I went to see him.

"You sure it's my dog" says I
"Everyone has reason to know your dog" says he.

True enough, he had a bit of a reputation, never causing actual bodily harm but frightening a few natives along the way.

Bugger, that was it then, once a dog has the taste it is damn near impossible to reverse the trait. I compensated T J for his sheep and made arrangements for the dog's demise, becaue if I didn"t he surely would.

"Take him miles away and dump him" says the ever pragmatic ould lad

This however would only foist the problem onto someone else. He had to go.

Some times were sad, very sad...
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: AMRN on February 13, 2009, 18:34:04 PM
anyone got a tissue?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 13, 2009, 18:37:28 PM
A good few years ago, on a Saturday, I was having a wee refresher in Mike Slattery's bar in the village. It was a lovely small bar with a narrow entrance and a slightly wider area at the back of the bar. He built a huge bar & lounge next door later on and it didn't quite retain the character.

Anyway this French tourist arrived in and he had fairly good English, which was good, because as you can imagine our French was about as good as our Swahili. He asked for directions to O'Brien's Bridge.

First response was from the resident lush and knower or all things important who ended (and punctuated) most sentences with the word right..

"You go down the road, right, take the second left, right, then past old Tom's place, right !, turn right, right !, then on past Mrs Murphy's, right !, hang a left, right !, continue 2 miles past the old mill, right !, then second right, right !, then immediate left, right ! and the village is on your right, right. !"

The tourist was glazing over..

Second response was from old Peter Cox who had never left the village all his life unless it was to go to another bar. His directions invariably had to be via noted hostelries. 

"Don't mind him sir, go through the village, left at Minogue's bar, left again at the Blacksticks, continue on until Kelly's, turn left until you hit Jimmy Danny's bar, turn right. Go along that road until Wuthering Heights bar then turn left and it's straight on to the bridge."

The tourist was losing the will to live.

Third response was from the owner of the bar,

"If I was you son, I wouldn't start from here at all, will ye have a pint while your waiting"


Mike normally wasn't known for his wit but I think that a similar scenario was used in an advertisement for Guinness (or was it Harp) around that time and he was probably waiting for weeks for the chance to lob it into the conversation...


priceless

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 13, 2009, 18:40:21 PM

anyone got a tissue?


The dog needed one when he heard the verdict...........
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 13, 2009, 19:12:42 PM
One year I met a lovely woman with a passion for charity work, her enthusiasm was so infectious that when she asked me to host some pub quizzes around the county for charity, I couldn't resist. There were two notable incidents.

The first one was in Vinnie Henchy's bar in Scarriff and they were playing a motley crew from Jimmy Jacko's. I arrived at the pub armed with my trusty questions ordered a pint and asked Vinnie..

"Well Vinnie, got a good team for tonight" says I
"Team, what fecking team" says he
"You entered a team in the inter pub challenge for charity" says I
"Feck, is that what I paid for" says he.

He surveyed the pub and promptly picked four people and told them in no uncertain terms they were recruited. The opposition arrived and Jacko's had packed the team they were all teachers from the secondary school, God he was taking this serious.

The layout was that both teams sat opposite each other and were asked in turn individual questions, starting with easy ones working up to more difficult ones. I had reached the last question of the easy round for Jacko's and the contestant was the deputy head of the secondary school.

"What is a cox's orange pippin" says I

Well the arrogant eejit leant back and puffed on his pipe, pausing for maximum effect, running down the clock with a smirk on his face. At that very minute one of the spectators decided to let his passion get the better of himself.

He stepped up behind the contestant slapped him hard on the head and shouted.

"It's an apple you fecking eejit" he cried.

The fight then started in earnest and my money was on Henchy's..

priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on February 13, 2009, 22:54:01 PM
Quote
"Take him miles away and dump him" says the ever pragmatic ould lad

This however would only foist the problem onto someone else. He had to go.


A stray latched on to me when we first moved to Knocknagree.  I carried him to the vet for all his shots, took him in and fed him like a king.  Walked him - rain or shine (mostly rain) - 4 times a day.  Within the month Max was feeling better and he was lovely with our kids.  Keeper for sure. 

That"s when the fun started.  The fecker would take off out the door every time anyone called.  We have a pretty busy house with a good few callers.  His destination?  The field packed with cows right behind our house.  He"d run around nipping at their heels and driving the lot into a mad frenzy.

After a few phone calls, wellingtons thrown on in a hurry.  I had a mini "troop" including myself, Benny and a young lad named Michael John.  After a few rounds of falling in muck and being out run/smarted and classed by the wee feckin dog...we eventually had it down to a system.  Mostly.  Still took at least 30 minutes to catch Max, but we were getting good at it. 

One day I got a call from a neighbour.  He"d heard the farmer talking about Max in the pub.  He was planning to shoot him next time he caught him in his field...and he wasn"t joking.  In fairness, Max had never killed any of his cows.  But they weren"t well pleased to see him at the same time.  As painful as it was, I had to find Max a new home for his own safety.

Nobody would take him.  There"s a shocker.  As soon as they heard what he was at the conversation was over.  The worst was yet to come though. 

The Worst - One night we had a caller we weren"t expecting.  Max made the mad dash as usual.  But this time he didn"t bother running for the field.  He ran out to our front yard and attacked a cat belonging to our 90 year old neighbour, "Baby".  We managed to wrangle him from the cat eventually, but it was too late. 

My husband Timothy locked Max in the back shed while I went over to Baby to give her the news.  The minute she opened the door I was bawling.  I knew what was coming.  Gave her the news and she invited me in.  "My husband, God rest his soul, gave me that cat 10 years ago.  It was a good cat and always reminded me of my dear husband."  Her husband was dead with a good few years at this stage.  I was only crying before...now I"m really bawling.  "Ah well.  It could have been worse"  says she.  "At least it wasn"t one of the kids he got."  I just about managed "I"m soooo sorry" through the tears when she decided we needed to have a drink to calm me and to honour the deceased cat. 

5 large whiskeys later...she was giving me the burial instructions.  I was to carry him 1/2 mile down the road to Johnny O"Keeffe"s farm as that"s where he was born.  Bury him in the middle of the second field as the third was too close to the road and we we likely to be caught by Johnny in the first.  Great. 

The funeral - Myself and my friends, Siobhan and Claire carried the cat (as well as 5 daughters between us) to the field.  We were in my car.  How we all fit, I"ll never know.  I was tearing road initially to get the job over with until Siobhan piped up with, "DAWN!  This IS a funeral procession fer feck sake!  Slow it down!"  5 MPH...that"s as fast as she"d let me go.  We got there eventually, buried the poor cat, said a few prayers...and high tailed it out of there as fast as we could because Johnny had just fired up his tractor.

The Aftermath - Max had to go.  No doubt about it now.  But I couldn"t bring myself to put him down.  Dogs don"t like cats anyway.  It"s in all the movies so it has to be true.  He was great with the kids.  I know what I"ll do.  Carry him far into the mountains and look for a house with signs of children to drop him near.  And that"s what I did.  Wasn"t until I got home and explained to Benny where I"d left him, that I discovered I hadn"t planned very well.  It was a mountain full to the brim with sheep and the first farmer who saw him was likely to shoot first and ask questions later.  Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  RIP Max      

     

   
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: janc on February 14, 2009, 00:27:07 AM
Reading this blog is really amusing and i"ve started looking forward to the next  episode on a daily basis. Well done and keep it up its refreshing after a day at work. Charlie
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MintTrav on February 14, 2009, 11:34:55 AM
I don"t mean to be pushy or anything but ................... what was the feckin award for??
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 14, 2009, 12:07:03 PM
Jeez -- imptatient or what, all will be revealed, as Des says, soon
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 14, 2009, 13:01:35 PM
I played hurling for Bodyke and was not really very good, more of a bull in a china shop me. Now some of you heathen's may say that suits the beautiful game of hurling. That is a misguided view of what is the fastest grass game in the world and one of the most skillful.

Anyway as I was saying I usually filled in at Full Forward where I would cause the least problems and maybe fluke a couple of points. We were playing against Tubber in the league and they were known to be hard men who came down from the mountains once in a while to play a game. The rumour was they were fed raw meat before the match.

We lined up and the Full Back stood beside me.

"You're going to get it today" says He
"Eh" says I
"It's payback" says he
"FFS what the Feck for" says I (don't think I ever met the guy, I knew of him however)
"Your father broke my father's arm in a match, and we don't forget" says he

FFS the sins of our fathers visited upon their sons. First high ball my ankle got a rap, FFS this was going to be a good one. Next ball in, self preservation kicked in and I didn't even look at the ball, I was like Zorro trying to parry his flashing hurley. This would have to stop..

"This will have to stop" says I
"Only when you go off" says he

The referee was fecking useless and would only intervene if the situation merited a 999 phone call. Ok I was not going to wait for the bout of pain that would inevitably arrive, so I hatched a wee plan.

Now players of this level wore normal football shorts that had no ties only loose elastic, he leapt for an easy ball and as he rose up I grabbed his shorts and pulled then down around his ankles. When he landed, ball in hand, he went to run and fell heavily, crying in pain (he had no undergarments on and his pride and joy was exposed to the world).

The ball was cleared and this hard man stayed down whimpering in pain holding his left arm. The trainer came on and he was carted off.

When the match was over we heard that history had repeated itself and he was carted off to hospital with a suspected broken arm. I had to dodge the slings and arrows after the match but arrived home fairly intact.

The ould lad was a picture, cracking an infrequent smile, when I told him. I had blamed him of course, saying that his actions of years ago had precipitated the whole thing. This elicited the time honoured response.

"Feck off, you fecking eeijt"

priceless  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 14, 2009, 13:08:06 PM
Off into Chester today to watch both rugby matches with the wee man and have a few sherbets. my forecasts

France 32 - Scotland 26


Tight game with Scotland improving every match but France in Paris maybe too much


Wales 28 - England 14


Wales in Cardiff with the roof shut should shade this one
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 14, 2009, 13:39:39 PM
Now if any of you have had the pleasure of meeting Laxie you will attest to the fact that not only has she kissed the Blarney stone she bit a big chunk off and swallowed it.

The term "Blarney" was, I think, invented by Queen Elizabeth I in the 1600's. A cute whore by the name of Cormac Mac Carthy was running with the hare and running with the hounds as he tried to keep in with the queen, in order to retain his lands, and also appease his own clan so his head wasn't taken off.

The old Mac Carthy stronghold is Blarney Castle and that is where you will find the stone today, under the battlements. They say that kissing it will reward you with the gift.

The survival technique of Cormac Mac carthy is now a customary activity. While you may not be dependent on your loquaciousness to stay alive, an ability to charm your opponents at the table my reward you... Ask Laxie        
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on February 14, 2009, 22:17:56 PM
Fits of giggles whilst placing or calling a bet hardly qualifies as charming anyone.  lol
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 15, 2009, 10:10:06 AM
Unfortunately as reads go that is impossible as you giggle when you have a hand and giggle when you have shiite.....  (http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/midi/frech/a068.gif)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: antthecat on February 15, 2009, 10:11:41 AM
loving the blog my friend, loving the blog
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 15, 2009, 10:38:30 AM
There was a curate, Fr Pat Nugent, in Kilanena parish who had the church authorities up in arms. He rode a powerful motorbike whilst visiting his flock, leathers and all. His sermons were bright, if a little earthy and the older generation spent hours tutting at his antics. He enjoyed a pint and the Craic, and why shouldn't he. Where is  it written that he can't he human (apart from celibacy)

Oh and he was the dirtiest, filthiest, son of a B*tch when he played rugby.

We played Gort in a "friendly" one Sunday afternoon and as usual it was a little frisky to say the least. In one particular phase of play the "game" stopped for a little bit whilst steam was being let off.

One bruiser caught hold of Fr Pat and knocked him to the ground with a meaty haymaker.

"Jesus Christ, that's a priest you eejit" says one of his team mates.
"Oh My God, sorry father" said the thumper as he picked him up and stood in front of him

Fr Pat smiled that tolerant smile that only priests can and promptly nutted him breaking his nose.

"Bless you my son" said Fr Pat

Priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on February 15, 2009, 10:41:10 AM
OMG  LMAOOOO!!!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on February 15, 2009, 11:40:15 AM
Lol... fantastic story Duke.  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 15, 2009, 13:35:07 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 15, 2009, 13:50:40 PM
Beer -- check
Cigs -- check
Snacks - check
Irish Jersey on -- check

2pm -- Ireland v Italy

Blogging may or may not be resumed after depending on state.

Oh and I will be in the Central League game on BSQ tonight very loose and extremely aggressive .. you have been warned.

BSQ name -- lubandige
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on February 15, 2009, 14:11:59 PM
iPlayer FTW (http://www.bbc.co.uk/emp/simulcast/pop.shtml?epid=bbc_two_england&colour=black)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 15, 2009, 15:20:56 PM
My take on the first half of the rugby Ireland V Italy

If we play like that against any other opposition we will be sunk without trace

Italian full back's straight arm should have been a Red card

Where is the passion at least let's win the fight FFS

We had no imagination, Stringer needed a telegram before he passed the ball in the last 5 mins

We are lucky to go into half time ahead

CMON GET THE FINGER OUT
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on February 15, 2009, 15:23:21 PM
What he said...
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on February 15, 2009, 15:40:48 PM
We"re making hard work of it.  That"s for sure.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on February 15, 2009, 15:50:50 PM
Just loving the guy from the Onedin Line, playing at number 9 for Italy...

(http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcfour/features/images/1973_onedin_gal.jpg)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 15, 2009, 16:23:42 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 16, 2009, 17:35:08 PM
Ok a question

If the atlantic is 41 million sq miles of water, how the feck did this happen

Muppets (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7892294.stm)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 16, 2009, 17:38:56 PM
It reminded me - I just love this one

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlNcRV8io9A[/youtube]
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 16, 2009, 17:45:06 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 16, 2009, 22:04:22 PM
When Scarriff decided to form a rugby team in the early seventies I went along to the meeting in order to sign up.

Now normally people are chosen for there ability in certain positions. Not in this case.

You were a Front row player if you were mad, violent, psychopathic and totally fearless ...

You were a second row if you were over 6' 2"

You were a back row if you didn't fit the above except for the violent bit.

You were scrum half because you were the chairman's son

You were out half because you could spell the word rugby

The centres were chosen because they part owned the pub whose toilets were used as the changing rooms.

The wingers and full back positions were filled by the remaining members at the meeting.


We played tactical rugby with the centres never receiving a pass and the ball never going out of the forwards.

We didn't win many matches, but we never lost a fight

Good days
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 16, 2009, 22:06:46 PM
The pub where we used to change before matches was a grand place and held traditional music sessions most week ends. We used to help out the owners around the bar after the gigs were over in order to tidy up and get a bit of after hours.

The glasses would be washed and tidied away and we would have a few pints, returning in the morning to help clear the floor area. This was done simply and effectively. We would open the big emergency exit doors at the back, get the two fire hoses and start at the top of the bar with them on full power and wash all the rubbish down the floor and out the back where it would collect in a heap. When the heap got too big a digger would arrive and it would be dumped in a tractor and trailer and taken to the land fill,

Simple and effective.

This is how we found Gerry Cooney one morning asleep where he had fallen under a table and damn near landed him on top of the heap. The full force of the hoses driving him a full 10 yards along the floor before we realised.


Priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on February 16, 2009, 22:08:14 PM
:D :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 16, 2009, 22:46:57 PM
With apologies to Dangerous Dan Magrew by Robert Service

A bunch of the boys were whooping it up on the famous APAT site;
The kid that handles the music-box was hitting some jag-time jazz
Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Haworthbantam  bright,
And watching his luck was his light-o"-love, the lady that"s known as Caz.

When out of the night, which was fifty below, and into the din and glare,
There stumbled a player fresh from the tables, dog-dirty, and loaded for bear.
He looked like a man with an ace in the hole and scarcely the strength of a louse,
Yet he tilted a poke of chips on the felt, and he called for all his might.
There was none could place the stranger"s face, though we searched ourselves for a clue;
But we drank his health, and the last to drink was Haworthbantam right.

There"s men that somehow just call your bluff, and stare at you like a spell;
And such was he, and he looked to me like a man who had lived in hell;
With a face most hair, and the dreary stare of a donk whose day is done,
As he watered the green stuff in his glass, and the drops fell one by one.
Then I got to figgering who he was, and wondering what he was,
And I turned my head--and there watching him was the lady that"s known as Caz.

His eyes went rubbering round the room, and he seemed in a kind of daze,
Till at last that old table cards fell in the way of his wandering gaze.
The old man Des was having a drink; there was no one else on the stool,
So the stranger stumbles across the room, and flops down there like a fool.
In an APAT printed shirt that was glazed with dirt he sat, and I saw him sway,
Then he clutched the cards with his talon hands--my God! but that man could play.

Were you ever out in the Great DTD, when the moon was awful clear,
And the icy mountains hemmed you in with a silence you most could hear;
With only the howl of Tightend, and you camped there in the cold,
A half-dead thing in a stark, dead world, clean mad for no fecking fold
While high overhead, green, yellow, and red, the North Lights swept in bars?--
Then you"ve a hunch what the music meant...hunger and might and pokerstars.

And hunger not of the belly kind, that"s banished with bacon and beans,
But the gnawing hunger of lonely men for a flop and all that it means;
For a fireside far from the cares that are, four walls and a roof above;
But oh! so cramful of cosy joy, and crowded with Caz's love--
A woman dearer than all the world, and true as Heaven is true--

Then on a sudden the table changed, so soft that you scarce could hear;
But you felt that your life had been looted clean of all that it once held dear;
That someone had stolen the pot you wanted; that the flop was a devil"s lie;
That your guts were gone, and the best for you was to crawl away for spite,
"Twas the crowning cry of a heart"s despair, and it thrilled you through and through--
"I guess I"ll make it a big all in " said Haworthbantam  with fight.

The music almost dies away...then it burst like a pent-up flood;
And it seemed to say, "Reraise, reraise," and my eyes were blind with blood.
The thought came back of an ancient wrong, and it stung like a frozen lash,
And the lust awoke to push, to push...then the music stopped with a crash,
And the stranger turned, and his eyes they burned in a most peculiar way;

In a APAT picked shirt that was glazed with dirt he sat, and I saw him sway;
Then his lips went in a kind of grin, and he spoke, and his voice was calm,
And "Boys," says he, "you don"t know me, and none of you care a damn;
But I want to state, and my words are straight, and I"ll bet my stack it's right,
That one of you is a hound of hell...and that one is that Haworthbantam, right"

Then I ducked my head and the lights went out, and two Aces blazed in the dark;
And a woman screamed, and the lights went up, and two hands lay stiff and stark.
Pitched on it's head, and pumped full of hearts, was Haworthbantam"s night.
While the man from the left lay clutched to the breast of Caz (oops some respite).

These are the simple facts of the case, and I guess I ought to know.
They say that the stranger was crazed with "I've got odds" and I"m not denying it"s so.
I"m not so wise as the lawyer guys, but strictly as they played that jazz-
The woman that kissed him and--pinched his bankroll --was the lady known as Caz.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 16, 2009, 23:03:31 PM
Did you ever want to write your own obituary, just in case some plonker gets it wrong. Feel free to write your down here -- or I will

Mine-------

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the poker community.

Chezger Duke died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated bat beats He was 88.

Duke was buried in a pint glass shaped coffin. The gravesite was piled high with empty bottles of Corona NFL.

Attendants at the graveside included Des, head of APAT Worldwide Domination Inc, who took time off controlling all of the world"s poker games and television. Also there to pay respects was Chipaccrual the new CEO of posting for postings sake & Dodgy calls Ltd.

Father Jack delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Duke as a man who never knew how much he had drank, never fell down and was always ready for a laugh.

Various members of the "Ladies Dancing Community" were also in attendance bemoaning loss of income.

He was not considered a very smart man, wasting much of his money on silly draws, bad reads, liquid gold and loose women. Despite being a little off the pace at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a role model for many to aspire to.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 2 minutes out of respect for the maximum time he ever spent in a poker tournament.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on February 17, 2009, 08:42:29 AM
 ::)  :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 17, 2009, 17:29:35 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 17, 2009, 17:33:39 PM
I found out last night that my PC has a thought transference interface, because every time I thought.

"the fecking river will fill his gut shot"

It did.

So I was amazed at this new found power and decided to make it work for me.

"the fecking river will fill my gutshot" I thought in the next game.

Hmm it seems that the PC has selective thought transference. OK lets turn this on it's head.

"the fecking river will not fill his gut shot"

Hmm now that's funny it seems that the PC is now reversing my thoughts. So plan B in the next game.

"the fecking river will not fill MY gut shot"

Bugger it's now agreeing with me again.


More research required.

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: rubertoe on February 17, 2009, 17:37:00 PM
Not only the best blog on APAT - but possibly the Web! ;D :o ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 17, 2009, 18:02:10 PM
In my experience (limited that it is) I have found when it comes to members of the opposite sex, the harder you try the more difficult it gets.

When I was running round the country in my youth trying to impress the fairer sex, I seemed to fail miserably when trying the hardest.

We were in Lisdoonvarna one night and there was a crowd of us in a bar when we espied one of the most, if not the most, beautiful girl it has ever been my pleasure to espy, sitting at the bar on her own. Nah she must have a boyfriend, she was drop dead, achingly gorgeous.

The conversation was a little muted between us as we took sneaky looks in her direction, often I might add, wondering if any mere mortal would stand a chance of going out with her.

She seemed to have telepathic abilities, because if a lad came within 10 feet of her she would look at him and he would wither and die under the gaze, slinking back from whence he came with his tail firmly between his legs.


"bloody hell, there is no chance with that one" says Denis
"I don't know" says I, full of bravado
"Feck off, you have two chances, none and feck all" says Pat
"bet you I could get her to go out with me" says I, hackles well and truly risen.
"Ok you're on, a fiver each says you can't" oops bluff called
"Ok' says I "You're on" swallowing hard and thinking OMG here comes my downfall and complete humiliation.

She seemed to be on the verge of leaving so I gathered up what was left of my courage and walked across, my shields deflecting the photon torpedoes she was firing from her eyes as she contemplated my ultimate demise with the maximum of embarrassment. .

"Don't kill me yet" says I "just hear me out"

Her beautiful green eyes seemed to grab me and punch me in the stomach as a mischievous glint appeared in them.

"I would take it as a distinct favour if you would let me accompany you to the door when you are leaving and once outside we can go our separate ways" blurted I
"Why" she smiled obviously intrigued.

Oh my God that smile would have melted pure granite and it made my insides do a loop de loop before they settled back into some sort of normal position.

"To be honest" says I "my friends are so certain that you will knock me back and would never even contemplate being in my company for more that 1 second, that they have put money on it"

The eyes blazed from green to a stunning whirlpool of colours and the photon torpedoes were joined by phasers on full power.

"It's a bet!!" she whispered through gritted teeth
"Yes" squeaked I, going bright red and falling even deeper into her eyes

"Buy me a drink then" says she

Well feathers and being knocked down sprung to mind and I bought her a drink being careful to keep my back to the lads as my breathing tried to return to some sort of normality. We made a little small talk and to be honest I can't remember a word, only that her voice was as soft as the morning rain.

"I'm ready to go now" says she.

We walked to the door and, fair play, she put her hand in mine as we exited. I sneaked a look at the lads and they were aghast with jaws dropping near the floor.

Once outside, I looked down at her..

"Thanks for that I know it was a silly and stupid thing to do, I apologise and I really appreciate it" says I
"No problem" says she "Now we are outside how about another drink somewhere else, that'll keep them wondering and you can tell me what else you are willing to bet on"
"It will be my absolute pleasure" says I

That was the start of a relationship that was perfect in every way until we parted the best of friends a couple of months later.

Her name, Aoife Heffernan.


It's a funny old world Saint.....
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: janc on February 17, 2009, 18:07:03 PM

Not only the best blog on APAT - but possibly the Web! ;D :o ;D


ditto
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 17, 2009, 20:23:03 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 17, 2009, 20:37:16 PM
I loved that donkey  ;D it was a reflection of free spirit  

absofeckinglutelyfeckingpriceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 17, 2009, 20:40:19 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on February 17, 2009, 21:22:40 PM
sounds good to me :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: biffa85 on February 17, 2009, 21:35:43 PM
please do!! ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on February 17, 2009, 21:36:10 PM
Absolutely, pls keep them coming.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: janc on February 17, 2009, 22:01:42 PM
Like I said previously this brightens my day and NEVER fails to bring a smile on
don"t stop
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 17, 2009, 22:04:31 PM
Watching Die Hard 4 -- I love John Mclean -- he can have my babies
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on February 18, 2009, 00:06:04 AM
Just finished watching Nights in Rodanthe..pass the tissues.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 18, 2009, 00:35:13 AM

Just finished watching Nights in Rodanthe..pass the tissues.

You just love Richard Gere (don"t tell stan)

This is what"s known as a weepie or a woman"s film. It"s beautifully shot with a romantic setting and lots of quiet scenes.

ahhhhh
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on February 18, 2009, 01:28:00 AM
 ;D ;)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 18, 2009, 17:43:30 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 18, 2009, 17:54:01 PM
Home game at the aquarium tonight, full compliment of 10 players tonight.

Webcam in action

http://www.chezger.co.uk/html/webcam.html (http://www.chezger.co.uk/html/webcam.html)

will attempt to post a few notables as they happen
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 18, 2009, 18:01:00 PM
check out the scoring TV

               (http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/DSC01584.JPG)

Note to self -- tidy up the fecking wires
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on February 18, 2009, 18:59:29 PM
Lost count of the number of times you"ve made that same "note to self"   ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 18, 2009, 19:12:26 PM
APAT players tonight

Dan350
Themadcount
Shogun
Duke
Destroyer

plus assorted fish


7,200 starting chips -- 15 min clock

Will post when I can
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 18, 2009, 19:24:19 PM
seats are being taken -- let the battle begin

I"m in seat 2 looking directly into the cam

on 12.5 k blinds 100 200 -- A 10 -- A flop 10 river
                                          AQ  -- A on flop called by A8

hey its makes a change
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on February 18, 2009, 20:15:52 PM
You out already? lol u gone from the table :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 18, 2009, 20:19:04 PM

You out already? lol u gone from the table :D


ciggy time no smoking at the table for 2009
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 18, 2009, 21:05:57 PM
Wee man gets low stacked -- pushes - loses -- oh well staker loss then -- lol

I"m still on 12k blinds 400/800
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on February 18, 2009, 21:06:12 PM
Looks like a good game going wish I was there, I dont play enuf live poker :(
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 18, 2009, 21:35:30 PM
still in 5 left 22k -- one time please
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 18, 2009, 22:08:04 PM
The Duke takes it down -- running good

Edit: 5 3 suited is the new nuts  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on February 18, 2009, 22:09:24 PM
Congrats!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 18, 2009, 22:11:29 PM
Game 2 in 10
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 18, 2009, 23:17:51 PM
still in -- courtesy of a re raise with 45 off -- i love this game
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 19, 2009, 00:02:11 AM
out -- nuff said -- don"t ask -- just don"t
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on February 19, 2009, 09:15:13 AM
Can I just ask if they were at least soooted?   ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 19, 2009, 17:20:22 PM

Can I just ask if they were at least soooted?   ;D


(http://img256.echo.cx/img256/7295/notachance8zt.gif)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 19, 2009, 17:22:48 PM
Now it's a known fact that religion has been the catalyst for more conflict than we care to recall.  No more so than in Northern Ireland. Now Ger's mother came from Northern Ireland and when we were still together we had to attend her brother's funeral.

Now Sean committed a cardinal sin in that he had a rush of blood to his head. He was born a Catholic and later in life decided to try the Anglican faith for a change. Shock horror, he would have been better off, and be better understood, if he had become a serial killer.

When he died, he was laid out at home and as his wife was a Catholic the house was in a Catholic area and there was a steady stream of Priests and Nuns arriving at the house in order to reclaim the lost soul.

He had made final wishes that the service be held in the Anglican chapel. His wife respected that wish but only because he would then be buried in the Catholic graveyard. So off we went to the service and there was a huge crowd of relatives and friends outside the church. They would not go in for fear that the minute they passed though the portal of the opposition they would be consumed in God's vengeful fires of retribution.

The family had swallowed their particular prejudices and were going into the chapel and cast a lonely sight as they filled up the front two rows only. As I passed through the door I was pleasantly surprised that I did not turn into a pile of smouldering ash. We had to endure the Anglican minister's speech about how Sean saw the light and found religion on their side of the fence, wasting no opportunity to put the boot into the Catholic religion. Gabrielle's family were spitting feathers in the front row.

Service over, we carried the coffin outside and there was no shortage of people willing to assist the coffin down to the Catholic graveyard. It was shouldered all the way down and the crowd milled around happy to join in now it was away from the opposition's lair.

We walked into the graveyard and at the graveside were at least 20 priests & nuns using force of will to welcome the sinner back into the fold. The gist of the eulogy was that he had strayed but, hah,  now we have got him back. They also wasted no opportunity to put the boot into the Anglican religion.

It's little wonder that religion causes friction.....
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 19, 2009, 17:51:09 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 19, 2009, 19:06:23 PM
Right off to Newcastle tomorrow for the Forum Team challenge

Car No 1 (The sober mobile)
Dewi
Duke
Son of Duke

Car No 2
Digger
Jon Ademson
Deon Kilian

Car No 3
Llyr (XLOJXX)

Car No 4
Alan Armitage

Train
Glenn (Bigfella)

Chezger do legendary travel arrangements again
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 19, 2009, 19:09:02 PM
and yes I can count -- the teams are teams of ten - we have 9

Hey it"s quality tho"

(If someone wishes to join us you can find the link on)

http://www.chezger.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=123.60 (http://www.chezger.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=123.60)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on February 19, 2009, 19:11:54 PM
If only I could get a last minute babysitter ;) Stan is going and playing for another team.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 19, 2009, 19:12:16 PM
This just cracked me up.......


http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/northern_ireland/7899171.stm?lss (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/northern_ireland/7899171.stm?lss)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 19, 2009, 19:14:34 PM

If only I could get a last minute babysitter ;) Stan is going and playing for another team.


Cmon you know you want to -- you have form !!

And I can swear you in as an honoury member of chezger cos I"m the boss  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on February 19, 2009, 19:17:39 PM
Let me bribe my stepdaughter will let u know lol
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on February 19, 2009, 20:43:14 PM
(http://blondepoker.com/forum/Smileys/default/thumbs.gif)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Dewi_cool on February 19, 2009, 21:11:46 PM
Nice to have you aboard Mair bach
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 19, 2009, 21:37:53 PM
The circle is complete -- we are one
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 19, 2009, 22:08:13 PM
I see you Mickey -- the party just got better  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 19, 2009, 22:13:35 PM
Watching Dodgeball --- OMG i forgot how funny that film is
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on February 19, 2009, 22:16:48 PM
LOL tis a good film
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 19, 2009, 23:14:38 PM
Dodgeball - I am in bits - tears down my cheeks
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 23, 2009, 07:45:22 AM
Well back from the Newcastle Team Forum challenge. Great weekend and a real laugh.

Some highlights

Big up to Glen(Bigfella) and Dave(Digger) who made day 2 - Glen evenually finishing 16th to win the last longer bet.

Unlucky man of the weekend must be Dewi -- who had the dubious distinction of being first out of the tournament.

Old man prize goes to me, when I fell asleep in my chair at the bar at some hour of the morning - there is pictorial evidence I understand.

Blackjack sucks

Chinese poker rocks

Chester contingent booking hotel rooms and then hardly using them

The mercedes made it there and back without breaking down

Walking into the card room as a team to the theme from Brookside (would have preferred the theme from Jaws or some other big fish music)

Random Photos of the team (http://www.chezger.co.uk/html/newcastle_2009.html)

I did my usual of running my stack up to 27k (starting 7.5k) early on and then running it back down twice as fast. Must learn to take this game seriously at some point in time.

Great to see fellow APATers there (wonderful to see Mary (xxMAIRxx) who had the dubious honour of playing for Chezger) and to me that is what playing poker is all about. See you at the tables tonight for the Welsh quali...........

Great Casino - Great People - Priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on February 23, 2009, 09:13:25 AM
I had a ball with you guys Ger, it was like walking in to a wide open armed hug I tell ya, you all made the weekend great for me.

Was gr8 to see so many APATers there too.

Thanks again :) you are the best hun!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 23, 2009, 18:02:31 PM
Now there are times when your mouth kind of runs away before the brain is in gear. Usually when you are distracted, tired or drunk or all three.

Myself, Denis and Sean O'Halloran were out one evening in Broadford and decided to hit for Ennis to go to a dance. Denis was driving and he had a rather beat up two door Ford Escort. Sean got in the back and we set off.

Now the only thing besides fighting that Denis was worse at was driving. Consequently the road bent round to the left outside of Bradford and the car didn't. We left the road and the car seemed to roll a couple of times and came to a halt the right way up.

I checked all my extremities and they seemed to be working and looked over at Denis who was slumped against the window with blood all over his forehead. I had nothing else so I took off my shirt and wiped away at his forehead. There was a gash just on his hairline which bled a lot but didn't seem to be too deep. He was conscious and swearing a lot so he looked fine.

I looked into the back seat and there was no sign of Sean. WTF, where was he. The next thing there was a rap on the side window that frightened the Shiite out of me. It was Sean.

"You OK lads" says he
"WTF, how are you out there" says I
"Don't know, just found myself in a field" says he

I looked at the back of the car again and there was no back window. He must have fallen out. I got out and felt fine, Sean said he was fine not a scratch and Denis had stopped bleeding. We struggled to the road and flagged down a car. The car was full of people and the driver on hearing the story threw them all out and took us to the hospital in Ennis.

We were checked over and because it was a head wound Denis was kept in overnight for observation. Sean and I got a taxi home and I went down to  Denis's house just to let them know what had happened. The Touhy's had no phone.

Denis's sister came to the upstairs window after I hammered on the door and I explained what happened and not to worry we would pick Denis up in the morning. I then went home and crawled into bed.

I was awoken by Margaret knocking on my bedroom door telling me that Mrs Touhy and her daughter were downstairs and wanted a word. I dressed hurriedly and went down to meet them.

"We were a little confused last night Ger, can you tell us what happened" says she
"We had a bit of an accident but Denis is OK he was kept in for observation only" says I
"Oh good" says she "Are you Ok"
"Oh yes fine" says I

I noticed she was staring at my shirt and I realised that in my hurry to dress I had put on last nights shirt. Now the shirt was a mess covered in blood. I looked down at the shirt.

"Oh that's not my blood, it's Denis's" says I

Two strong cups of tea later she had sufficiently recovered to leave the house.

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on February 23, 2009, 21:29:48 PM
Beautifully delivered Ger, you"re beginning to get the hang of this storytelling lark!  :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: janc on February 23, 2009, 21:42:33 PM
 :) Priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 24, 2009, 17:25:30 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on February 25, 2009, 17:09:15 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 25, 2009, 17:50:28 PM
(http://xylo.xy.ohost.de/images/smilies/36_5_8.gif)

Atta Girl Sinead, but next time get your retaliation in first....
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 25, 2009, 17:54:47 PM
I was on my home today and I had radio 2 on, Chris Evans was discussing dishcloth"s and how dirty they got. He had a Doctor of Hygene on and they were putting forward all sorts of ways to keep the place clean from germs.

Antibacterial sprays, bleach, scalding water etc etc

Now while I agree that things have to be kept clean, but are we "Too" clean. Are we obsessed to the point where our children no longer have any immunity to germs because they are never exposed to them. Is this why diseases seem to be more prevalent - or am I talking b0llocks..

Feel free to discuss
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 25, 2009, 17:57:33 PM
A Poem For Those Over 30

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bites.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A curser used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the rubbish
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public
You"d be in jail for awhile.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a back up happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider"s home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I"ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody"s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens, they"ll wish they were dead.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on February 25, 2009, 18:19:36 PM
Excellent Ger.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 26, 2009, 17:33:12 PM
There are appoximately 6.6 billion people on this planet of ours and it would be hard to believe in the theory of six degrees of separation. This theory  contends that, because we are all linked by chains of acquaintance, you are just six introductions away from any other person on the planet.

A "degree of separation" is a measure of social distance between people. You are one degree away from everyone you know, two degrees away from everyone they know, and so on. The concept was popularised by John Guare"s 1990 play, Six Degrees of Separation, which was turned into a film starring Will Smith.

If you take the current president of America Barack Obama and me we can prove 6 degrees of separation.

Ger Smyth is friends with Keith Wood (ex Ireland rugby player and TV pundit)

Keith Wood is friends with Mike Tindall

Mike Tindall is going out with Zara Philips

Zara Philips' grandmother is the Queen of England

The Queen's Prime minister is Gordon Brown

Gordon Brown knows Barack Obama

For fun try it with these famous figures and post them up here (all people in the chain must be alive and kicking)

Nelson Mandela
Muhammad Ali
Robert Mugabe
Mel Gibson
Ronnie Biggs
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 26, 2009, 17:41:13 PM
Cancel, Retry, Ignore

Once upon a midnight dreary,
Fingers cramped and vision bleary,
Player notes piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of duvets sinning,
Still I sat here playing poker and winning:
Having reached the big decision, I took a ciggy from the drawer.

Typing with a steady hand,
I then invoked the "All in" command
But got instead a reprimand: it read, "Cancel, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion?
Some manacal type intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.

Carefully I weighed my options...
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly I must now adopt one; choose: Cancel, Retry, Ignore?
With my fingers pale and trembling
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored

Praying for some guarantee,
Finally I pressed a key.
But what on the screen did I see? Again "Cancel, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off guard -
I pressed again, but twice as hard,
But luck was just not on the cards, I saw what I had seen before.

Now I typed in desperation
Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation "Cancel, Retry, Ignore."
There I sat, distraught, exhausted,
By my own machine accosted
getting up, I turned away and paced across the kitchen floor.

And then I saw an awful sight
A bold and blinding flash of light
A lightening bolt that cut the night, and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed and died.
"OH NO! MY BANKROLL!" I cried.
I heard a distant voice reply, "You"ll see your money...nevermore!"

To this day I do not know
The place to which our money goes.
perhaps it goes to heaven, where the angels have it stored.
But as for Profitability, well,
I fear this has gone straight to Hell.
And that"s the tale I have to tell - your choice: Cancel, Retry, Ignore.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 27, 2009, 17:19:43 PM
I got a call on my mobile this morning, I looked at the number before answering and it was an 0845 number. I answered it and a disembodied voice replied.

"This.. is.. a.. call.. from.. LloydsTsb.. concerning. your. current. account."

(I'll stop typing like that now, but you get the message)

"Please listen to the whole message"

Then it went trough some security stuff and told me they were concerned about some of my recent transactions. It then said it would relay my five most recent transactions and that I must confirm that I agreed with them.

I confirmed they were mine and thought that that was good security from my bank. Then the sinker.

"We hope you appreciate that LloydsTsb will continue to monitor your account for your own security. You have been charged for this call"

As a tax payer I must own some of this bank, they rang me and then they charged me for the call.  Love the business model how the hell are they losing money..

. priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 28, 2009, 13:40:49 PM
I got up one Saturday morning, feeling a little tender, looking forward to the prerequisite Lucozade and wagon wheel when I looked out the window. There was a space where my car should be.

FFS I know I didn't drive home last night, but I was certain I didn't drive to where I was going either. So the car should have been there where I left it after coming home from work.

Think.

I know I started off in Mike's then went on to Scarriff, but to be honest the end of the night was a little hazy to say the least. I was certain that it wasn't nicked because it was as bad a pile of junk as you ever did see and no self respecting thief would be seen dead in it. Now I could report it stolen and have the Guards find it for me. But the Guards couldn't find water if they fell out of a boat.  It'll come to me, I went out into the shop.

"Where's your car" says the ould lad

Now I wasn't going to say I didn't know, was I

"I left it in Scarriff last night, didn't want to drive home" says I
"Makes a fecking change" says the ould lad, ever the Mr nice guy
"I didn't hear you drive off last evening" continued the ould lad
"Aye it's running good that old car" says I

He gave me a look usually reserved for people who have just robbed him of his last pound and I finished my Lucozade and wagon wheel and went out, first stop Mike's. The car wasn't outside and I went in and the usual cronies were there. I ordered a pint and tried to think. Nope I hadn't a clue. 

I cadged a lift to Scarriff and did a quick scan before going into Henchy's. Nope, no sign.

Sigh. It was a nice day anyway so I had a couple of pints, played a few games of 45 and basically did what I usually did on a Saturday, continued on the lash. The Craic was good that day and the music that night was very good and the girls were looking exceptionally beautiful that evening.

I woke up the next morning with a monumental hangover and looked out the window. The car was there outside my window as usual. WTF now I was really getting paranoid. I got washed and dressed and went to mass and returned to the shop for the usual Sunday morning rush.

"Drove fecking home then last night" says the ould lad. Bugger !
"No" says I
"Then how the feck did the car get there this morning" says he
"I dropped it back during the afternoon" lied I
"Feck off" says he "I would have heard you"
"Old age Da, you didn't hear me leave either" says I, not turning to dust with the withering look that I got

The rush over, I went into the kitchen and greeted my sainted mother.

"Freddie Welch left this for you" says she

There was a six pack of drink on the table. WTF

"That was nice of you to lend your car to Freddie on Friday so he could have the car for the day to go to Limerick, he dropped it back last night while your father was in bed" Thank God for that

"You're such a good boy" says she

Promises were made that day concerning drink that of course were never kept..

Priceless days sorely missed
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 28, 2009, 13:49:27 PM
one part of my usual 6 nations treble crashed and burned last night

I have Scotland to win against Italy

and of course Ireland to defeat the "Ould Enemy"


(http://www.crunchgear.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/irish_flag_swimwear_12.jpg)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Shogun112 on February 28, 2009, 16:03:10 PM
For those of you that can remember back in this thread, I am The Duke"s next door neighbour.  I was looking through some old pics and found this one..

PRICELESS...!!!

(http://www.cejays.co.uk/pics/pic1.jpg)

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 28, 2009, 21:22:20 PM
sigh - I was younger then
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on February 28, 2009, 21:51:13 PM
the match was close -- but I am sooooooo happy

no offence
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 01, 2009, 10:03:14 AM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 02, 2009, 20:29:10 PM
Can't let it go without a few words around the religious fever that was in good old catholic Ireland. I went to mass every Sunday for the good of my health. My mother would have frigging killed me if I didn't. I was also dispatched to confessions every Saturday at 11.00am to tell this man in black my sins.

I was terrified of him, you went into one side of the dark, scary confessional and waited for the grill to slide back so you could tell your sins. Now being afraid and not being able to concentrate I must have committed the same sins every week for 10 years, because they never changed. Which kind of defeats the object really.

Now Fr Flannery was an old Parish Priest who was extremely hard of hearing and when he was taking confession the front pew had a distinct lean as all who were waiting to go in were straining to hear the sins of the one that was in because they were always exhorted to speak up.

One day, I think it was Francie Mac who was in. We heard a few whispers and then in a very loud voice Fr Flannery roared.

"You what"

Well, Francie came out a few minutes later to the combined stares of the front pew who had various views as to his deeds that warranted such an outburst.

"Careful lads" he said "He's forgotten his hearing aid again"

Good times,
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 04, 2009, 00:27:54 AM
Chezger do teams and they are the best team ever

(http://lh4.ggpht.com/_kLjLSfBtFXk/Sa0keNDCQYI/AAAAAAAAATk/_Es99v6jvco/s640/Chezger.jpg)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 04, 2009, 17:54:17 PM
As our world gets increasingly smaller with improved air travel we are constantly reminded of our shortcomings around the ability to converse in foreign languages. We seem to be annoyed when a waiter in a Paris restaurant cannot speak English. Of course the reason he doesn't speak English could be because he is French !!!

However this problem can raise its head on this little island with differing accentuations of the English language.

When we opened a new depot in Warrington about two years ago, a goodly majority of the staff were Eastern European. I was reconfiguring the terminals on the forklift trucks when the training manager was giving a health and safety talk to the new drivers.

All these drivers were highly qualified fork operatives but regulations dictated that they get the H&S lecture. Now to assist these people the agency had provided an interpreter to help along in the first few days.

The gentleman giving the lecture was from Glasgow and not only was his accent broad, he also used various colloquiums from his native city. He really warmed to his subject with hand gestures and proper emphasis at the more important bits.

When he was finished all the heads of the drivers turned to the interpreter with child like expectation. He looked at them and then back at the H&S man, he even looked at me in expectation. He sighed and said.

"Could you repeat that I haven't got a clue what you just said"

Priceless.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 04, 2009, 18:36:33 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 05, 2009, 18:48:25 PM
Home game last night was a good one. A few APATers were present and I played some agressive poker (Not my style I hear you shout) I bubbled the first game in 4th when I was crippled with my 99 against Digger"s K 10 and he hit a river 10.

Second game was played very much in the vein of game 1 and I was amassing chips when I find KK and get one caller. You want that right, when you have been playing loose.

Flop Q 9 2, I bet Ady goes all in and he had a lot of chips. I call, he shows 8Q. Loving it, especially when Jason said he had a Q,

Turn 5

River - yep that fecking river was the case Q

Sigh - I run so good.

Great people, great games, priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 05, 2009, 19:00:26 PM
Wee Man"s poker is very good at the moment, he is 3rd in the Chezger league with a 2nd place last night. (He took all my chips to put me out in 4th with pocket Aces - easy game eh)

So we are off to the DTD 321 this weekend to play in the side games £50er on Saturday and maybe the modest £25er on Sunday.

Good investment that lad........................
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 05, 2009, 19:03:48 PM
Speaking about the chezger league. Wee Man has 1 win and 5 seconds this year. Maybe his HU needs a bit of work -- LOL

LEAGUE TABLE (http://www.chezger.co.uk/html/2009_ytd.html)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 06, 2009, 17:27:24 PM
I wasn't long started in my current company and was on call for our store ordering systems. I got a call at around 1am to say that no store orders were generated. We had no remote capabilities in those days so I had to get up and drag myself into the office.

I was working on the problem and trying to concentrate when a man who I had never seen before wondered through the office and stood in front of me. He was a stocky man with more gold on him than Midas's first cousin. Bracelets and a large gold necklace accompanied by the largest watch I have ever seen.

"Hello, and what are we doing" he enthused

Well he caught me at a bad time, I was trying to concentrate on the problem in hand and I was grumpy after being woken up.

"I'm playing fecking Space Invaders what does it look like" says I
"I can see you are a little busy" says stocky man and he wanders off.

I sorted the problem and went back home to bed and thought nothing of it. The next morning I was in work as normal and our IT director rang me and said he wanted to see me.

I went up to his office.

"May I introduce you to our new Supply Chain Director" says he

I turned round and yep, it was stocky man from the night before..

We never really got on, he had a poor sense of humour.


Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 06, 2009, 18:41:58 PM
Right, off to the aquarium aka Shell Club, will let you have the gory details later
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 07, 2009, 11:17:27 AM
Came 3rd at the Shell Aquarium last night, Played very agressive (must see my therapist today) and it worked only because I flopped a straight to my 98 and a flush to my 83 and a boat to my A5, hey but I was playing well.

It"s nice to try things but I will probably be a very different player in DTD tonight and must learn to

1. Stay sober
2. Gradually move through the gears (not 0-60 in one orbit)
3. Get divorced from draws
4. Don"t be bullied
5. Don"t assume anything

Like that"s going to happen...........................
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 07, 2009, 13:17:41 PM
I was in Morrisons yesterday and my pet hate is the pimply faced children in ill fitting suits that stand in fornt of you and try to sell you mega fast broadband or sky etc.

Talk Talk were the incumbents and I wasn"t in a prticularly good mood anyway so I pre empted him by saying "No thanks" before he opened his mouth.

Then he went and did it He uttered the fatal time worn words.

"So you don"t want to save money then" says sarky baby features

Well the blue touch paper was lit.  (http://img124.echo.cx/img124/3829/sc1093ss.gif)


I stopped alongside him and proceeded to give him a lecture along the lines of, if I want to save money I will do my own research and I would not take the word of one company I would do comparisons and do I look like a frigging idiot etc etc.

We had a little crowd by now and baby boy was shrinking into his suit. I continued my tirade with a longer lecture about nanny states and site blocking with their product. I am a grown man and I will make my own choices of what sites I go on, and that I would have to be the mayor of idiotville to even consider their product.

One round of applause and one very red faced pillock later I continued with my shopping. He avoided me like the plague on the way out.

priceless

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 07, 2009, 13:36:11 PM
Watching St Mirren v Celtic at the mo and I just noticed that the referee is sponsored by SpecSavers -- you couldn"t write the script.............
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on March 07, 2009, 17:12:10 PM

Watching St Mirren v Celtic at the mo ...


How insanely bored must you be ... ?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 09, 2009, 20:09:35 PM
Well, back from DTD in one piece and I really must have a word with myself. I manage to accumulate chips early doors and then make silly hero calls to lose most of them. Now before all you major cynics  blame the drink I was relatively sober whilst playing. It was only after I was dumped out that I went mental. Tequila shots FTW at 3.30am.....


Big up to Darren Shallis who was unlucky to bubble the final table in the big one. Dewi chopped HU the Friday game.


Wee man cashed 6th in the £25 on Sunday night, he's getting a good rounded game and is one to watch. (Oh yes and like any good father I had 50% of him)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Dewi_cool on March 10, 2009, 15:15:30 PM

well done Ger Bach, I also noticed another good trait about him, he dont like losing, good sign
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 10, 2009, 23:59:47 PM
A little bit of happiness

played 3 $20 180"s on stars and cashed in all three -- and still in the last one

ok it was only $43 in the first two but i am 7th of 16 in the third - struggling but still battling
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 11, 2009, 00:24:14 AM
nosebleed 2 of 9 -- final table
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on March 11, 2009, 00:24:42 AM
Quote
McCarthy steps down as Cork manager


And about feckin time too!

PS  Well done on the Stars 180"s   ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 11, 2009, 00:26:48 AM

Quote
McCarthy steps down as Cork manager


And about feckin time too!

PS  Well done on the Stars 180"s   ;D


good player -- bad manager
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on March 11, 2009, 00:28:13 AM


Quote
McCarthy steps down as Cork manager


And about feckin time too!

PS  Well done on the Stars 180"s   ;D


good player -- bad manager



+1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000...I could go on and on, but I"ll spare your readers.   ;)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 11, 2009, 00:42:34 AM
4 of 7 -- unchartered territory

edit 5 of 6

nother edit -- 4 of 5

yet another edit 4 of 4

and yet another edit -- 3 of 3

miracle --- 1 of 3

sigh back to 3 of 3

final edit








The duke takes it down for $1,080
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 11, 2009, 01:28:09 AM
(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/i_won.gif)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on March 11, 2009, 01:45:06 AM
WELL DONE!!!  HTF did that happen?!  lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 11, 2009, 01:51:49 AM

WELL DONE!!!  HTF did that happen?!  lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


sigh -- your faith is heart warming
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on March 11, 2009, 02:19:12 AM
Ah now...I"m delighted for you.  Truly.  Just gobsmacked is all.   ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on March 11, 2009, 07:34:21 AM
Wheeeee vvwd hun!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: baldaceguy on March 11, 2009, 07:52:00 AM
well done you now have poker skills to match your skill as a teller of great stories  lol
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on March 11, 2009, 08:10:21 AM
AWESOME! WP Your Dukeness!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Dewi_cool on March 11, 2009, 12:28:57 PM
obviously found it, wp
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Swinebag on March 11, 2009, 12:39:52 PM
Nice one Ger
Top arrows!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Chipaccrual on March 11, 2009, 12:49:44 PM
Great work Mr Duke
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 11, 2009, 17:32:44 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on March 11, 2009, 19:01:55 PM
:D that is so funny, chuckling just imagining you then hehe
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: janc on March 11, 2009, 21:01:00 PM
 :D Laugh! I nearly wet myself reading this  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 12, 2009, 00:38:04 AM
home game tonight -- wee man takes game one - I take game 2 -- in the family
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on March 12, 2009, 01:09:44 AM
whee get in :)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on March 12, 2009, 09:18:31 AM
Well done Lads!!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Dewi_cool on March 12, 2009, 12:22:16 PM

home game tonight -- wee man takes game one - I take game 2 -- in the family


Can"t beat a bit of competition can you?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 12, 2009, 17:11:17 PM
There were a lot of pubs to choose from in the neighbouring villages and you usually picked them by the day of the week. By that I mean certain pubs had a standard night for music and tried hard not to clash with each other. This lead to the same crowd basically moving around during the week.

Jimmy Danny's in Broadford was the Wednesday haunt and Lena Hanrahan's was the Thursday night bash, so you get the picture.

After work on Thursday I was in the local bar in the village having a couple of tasters before making my way to Lena's for a night of dancing, drinking and if I got lucky a bit of debauchery. Standing at the bar with a couple of friends the discussion went thus.

"Great night at Danny's last night" says Denis
"Aye, good craic" says I
"One of the best in a long time" says Denis
"Was I there?" inquired Jerry Cooney looking a little tender
"Aye" says I
"Did I have a good time?" says Jerry

sigh..

Anyway we geared up and headed for Feakle and parked up. You didn't hit Lena's too early as you didn't want to appear too keen, you know what I mean. So we ensconced ourselves in Pepper's bar for a couple. We lost Jerry here as he went for a piss and never came back. The next we heard of him he was in Australia buts that's another story for another time.

When the time was right we wandered into Lena's and had a right old time. Four dances, two fights and a particularly lively discussion on the merits of Mary O'Brien and the way she might look at you took us to closing time.

As per usual the front door closed, the band stopped and we got down to some serious drinking. Unfortunately this camaraderie was interrupted by a very loud knock on the front door announcing Guards On Duty. FECK

Now "found on's"  were slapped with an automatic £50 fine and I for one didn't fancy paying it.

"Back Door" says I to Denis
"Back Door" agrees he

We ran behind the bar and into the kitchen where Lena's Mother was sitting at the table having a cup of tea.

"Hello Ger how's your mother" says she
"Fine Maam" says I
"Will you have a cup in your hand" says she
"Ah no thanks maam we are in a bit of a hurry" says I
"Oh Guards" says she
"Aye Guards" says I making for the back door.
"Fecking shower of no good losers" says she sipping daintily from the cup

Now the back door of the house led into a very overgrown haggard and we barrelled through and into the wilderness. It was a dark as sin out there and it was full of head high nettles and brambles and I was getting ripped and stung to beat the band. I felt the jacket and pants being ripped asunder and the shirt taking a beating. My face and bare hands were covered in nettle stings. 

We stopped at the wall and I legged Denis up and he pulled me up after him and we sprinted down the back field to the main road where we holed up for a while until the coast was clear.

My face was a sight covered in stings as were my hands and it was painful I can tell you. But I could comfort myself that I had saved £50.

Saved, my arse,,,,

Nettle rash cream £2.30
New Jacket £30
New Trousers £25
New Shirt £10

Priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on March 12, 2009, 17:18:04 PM
Would have been cheaper to sit and have the cup of tea...pretending nothing all the while.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 12, 2009, 17:20:40 PM

Would have been cheaper to sit and have the cup of tea...pretending nothing all the while.


Now where is the Irishness in that  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on March 12, 2009, 18:09:25 PM
Other option is to be gathering the empties or the floor brush and act as if you work there.  Dunno about Irish, but all of the above have saved me many an on the spot fine...not to mention nettles burns.   ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 13, 2009, 07:31:01 AM
Off to Scotland today to install the new system in Livingston (must  not forget my phrase book). Therefore I might be neglecting my ramblings for a while.

I"ll be there working on St Pat"s day, the first time in many a year I haven"t taken it off and gone on the lash.

sigh - just sigh
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on March 13, 2009, 08:22:42 AM
livingston is very lucky to have you visiting this weekend ger :)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 18, 2009, 18:38:13 PM
Sorry if I have been neglecting the blog for a couple of days --- normal service will be resumed from tomorrow.

Had great craic on BSQ last night -- made the final table but not seat. Never mind it will have to be the clickfest as it"s the home game tonight.

We are back to full table now with 10 players tonight and some dissappointed turnaways. Chezger is getting popular. We kept it in the family last week - me and the wee man taking a game each

repeat performance tonight please

Wecam will be in evidence tonight.....  WEBCAM (http://www.chezger.co.uk/html/webcam.html) (it will refresh every 10 seconds (F5 for you as it ain"t auto))

EDIT - or use firefox and refresh the page automatically yourselves  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: KarmaDope on March 18, 2009, 19:16:05 PM
Get them chips in the right place ffs!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 18, 2009, 21:15:59 PM
You will notice my seat is empty ...

My AQ call against Diggers all in with 43o (which I correctly saw as a move) was of course binked by a river 4. and I was hurt badly with the blinds at 500/1000.

two hands later pushed with 67 sooted and was insta called with A5 --- FML

I will now give up, surrender and take up peruvian embroidery

see you in 2025.........
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 19, 2009, 22:24:24 PM
There is a problem with holidays as the wee man and Marie get older. Family holidays were the norm when they were all little, but now that the mother has fecked off and Sarah has left the nest and they are older it"s a grind to figure out what to do.

Marie is 25 this year and as such I don"t see her much, the only time know she is in the house is if the washing machine is on when I come home from work.

Picking where to go with the wee man is a problem as he is 18 and doesn"t want his eejit of a father around when he is on holiday.

Solution.....................

However the wee man likes playing poker..

soooooooooo.

For 10 days in August we are going to visit some of my favourite casinos and play poker ending up at the APAT World"s in DTD....

Sorted.

We start in Edinburgh move to Newcastle on to Leeds then down to DTD for 5 days. He has an agressive game and I have 50% of him - watch out people we are coming to a Casino near you
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on March 20, 2009, 00:24:00 AM
It"s official.  We"re both warped!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 20, 2009, 07:57:59 AM

It"s official.  We"re both warped!


Warped ! -- I"ll have you know he is my pension fund. He gives a better ROI than most  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on March 20, 2009, 10:05:34 AM


It"s official.  We"re both warped!


Warped ! -- I"ll have you know he is my pension fund. He gives a better ROI than most  ;D


The prosecution rests   :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: jacklevel06 on March 21, 2009, 00:51:26 AM
Count me in for your visit to Edinburgh,due to the building trade being fecked no apat live for me this year,but if you and the wee man are coming to my neck of the woods i"ll be there.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 21, 2009, 01:01:07 AM

Count me in for your visit to Edinburgh,due to the building trade being fecked no apat live for me this year,but if you and the wee man are coming to my neck of the woods i"ll be there.


count on it, it will be a pleasure to meet you
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 21, 2009, 12:52:18 PM
61 fecking years..... Sixty fecking one

The mind games are over the only thing now is the match.

Warren Gatland has issued a half-hearted apology, or so it would seem after his attempted climb-down yesterday following some ill-advised comments last Tuesday. It might backfire and put the required spirit into us.

It is time to finally end the pre-match shenanigans and focus on the game that has a Grand Slam, Triple Crown and Six Nations title riding on it.

FFS No pressure then.

Wales go in search of the 13-point winning margin required to bring them the Triple Crown and Six Nations title. So it's a game not to be missed and will go down to the wire I reckon.

With four wins from four, it is hard not to be optimistic about today. However to get past Wales" in-your-face approach, we must employ greater depth and chip and grubber beyond the onrushing Welsh.

I will be enjoying a full day of beer and rugby which hopefully will end in

France beating Italy
Scotland winning the Calcutta Cup

And

Ireland winning the Grand Slam and Triple Crown

William Hill have Ireland at 13/10 with Wales at 7/10. With Brian O"Driscoll at 14/1 to score the first try.

I have of course invested
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 21, 2009, 12:57:52 PM
Oh and one of the surviving players of the last Grand Slam in 1948, the great Jackie Kyle (arguably the best out half ever) said they will win and that"s good enough for me.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 21, 2009, 13:40:13 PM
Whilst being bored by the France/Italy game I doodled some anagrams.

As you all know an anagram is a word (or words) that is made by changing the order of the letters in another word (or words). For example:

Dormitory = Dirty Room
The Countryside = No City Dust Here
Statue of Liberty = Built to Stay Free
Mother In Law = Hitler Woman

sigh - must get out more
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 21, 2009, 14:09:44 PM
Got my council tax bill today FFS..  £1,751.46

and this is for fortnightly garbage collection, busted street lights, inept police and even more inept councillors.

I despair I really despair


Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MintTrav on March 21, 2009, 14:29:18 PM
Really absorbed by Italy-France, then!

Come on, concentrate - there is a Garibaldi Trophy at stake today you know!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 21, 2009, 14:33:05 PM

Really absorbed by Italy-France, then!

Come on, concentrate - there is a Garibaldi Trophy at stake today you know!


shhh don"t mention biscuits or Bainn will join in
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on March 21, 2009, 14:37:53 PM
c"mon IRELAND!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 21, 2009, 14:56:39 PM

France beating Italy 50-8
Scotland winning the Calcutta Cup
Ireland winning the Grand Slam and Triple Crown


One down -- I"m warming up nicely
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 21, 2009, 15:41:56 PM
.[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIxe5ooQtqI[/youtube]
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on March 21, 2009, 15:53:40 PM
(http://theinspirationroom.com/daily/commercials/2007/9/O2-Irish-Rugby-Team.jpg)

Some legends in there...
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on March 21, 2009, 15:55:23 PM
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ghU_XBx-UM&feature=player_embedded[/youtube]

slight suspicion of a forward pass perhaps  :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Dewi_cool on March 21, 2009, 15:58:45 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 21, 2009, 16:24:58 PM

France beating Italy 50-8
Scotland winning the Calcutta Cup (Not looking good)
Ireland winning the Grand Slam and Triple Crown


I still have faith
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 21, 2009, 16:36:21 PM

(http://theinspirationroom.com/daily/commercials/2007/9/O2-Irish-Rugby-Team.jpg)

Some legends in there...


Willie John McBride -- need I say any more about this legend (99 call in SA)
Ciaran Fitzgerald -- One of the best pound for pound traditional hookers
Simon Geoghaghan - 37 internationals 11 tries - toe injury cut short his career
Keith Wood -- His open play made the modern hookers what they are today
Brian O"Driscoll -- Best centre in the world even on an off day - awesome defender
Paul O"Connell -- When he fires we win - FACT

As for today ----- One time in my lifetime - one time and I will die happy
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 21, 2009, 16:44:05 PM
Team selection taken direct from the BBC website

Wales: Lee Byrne; Mark Jones, Tom Shanklin, Gavin Henson, Shane Williams; Stephen Jones, Mike Phillips; Gethin Jenkins, Matthew Rees, Adam Jones, Ian Gough, Alun-Wyn Jones, Ryan Jones (capt), Martyn Williams, Andy Powell.
Replacements: Huw Bennett, John Yapp, Luke Charteris, Dafydd Jones, Warren Fury, James Hook, Jamie Roberts.

Ireland: Rob Kearney; Tommy Bowe, Brian O"Driscoll (capt), Gordon D"Arcy, Luke Fitzgerald; Ronan O"Gara, Tomas O"Leary; Marcus Horan, Jerry Flannery, John Hayes, Donncha O"Callaghan, Paul O"Connell (capt), Stephen) Ferris, David Wallace, Jamie Heaslip.
Replacements: Rory Best, Tom Court, M O"Driscoll, Denis Leamy, Peter Stringer, Paddy Wallace, Geordan Murphy.


We can"t lose we have two captains  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on March 21, 2009, 16:46:20 PM
Disappointing to see String drop back to the bench.  I thought he was outstanding last weekend.  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 21, 2009, 17:07:13 PM

Disappointing to see String drop back to the bench.  I thought he was outstanding last weekend. 


He justified the Man of the match - now dropping him has historic ties. We dropped our skipper, and man of the match against Scotland, for the final match in 1948, Karl Mullen took over and we beat Wales 6-3. 

Karl Mullens battle cry that day was "Boot, bollock and bite"

one time
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 21, 2009, 17:27:17 PM

France beating Italy 50-8
Scotland winning the Calcutta Cup 26-12 to England
Ireland winning the Grand Slam and Triple Crown



ok in the words of meatloaf 2 outta 3 ain"t bad (bad? it will be fecking marvellous)

One time
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 21, 2009, 17:35:16 PM
FFS -- Darren Shallis was on the telly again during the Irish anthem

Media tart
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 21, 2009, 18:23:29 PM

we must employ greater depth and chip and grubber beyond the onrushing Welsh.


see my previous post -- we must get behind them


one time
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 21, 2009, 19:44:36 PM
I can now die happy -- seriously I can

My heart is at risk

Stephen Jones would normally put those kicks over

It was Karma

Whatever it was my clickfest for the HORSE might be a little sloooow

My god I feel so good

party time

My house is manic

I can now meet my maker with joy

the drinks are on me in Cardiff
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on March 21, 2009, 19:49:01 PM
lol....good for you Duke....
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Dewi_cool on March 21, 2009, 20:51:44 PM

I can now die happy -- seriously I can

My heart is at risk

Stephen Jones would normally put those kicks over

It was Karma

Whatever it was my clickfest for the HORSE might be a little sloooow

My god I feel so good

party time

My house is manic

I can now meet my maker with joy

the drinks are on me in Cardiff



ok tx & well done
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 21, 2009, 21:39:41 PM
Come the day and come the hour
Come the power and the glory
We have come to answer
Our Country's call
From the four proud provinces of Ireland

Chorus
Ireland, Ireland,
Together standing tall
Shoulder to shoulder
We'll answer Ireland's call

From the mighty Glens of Antrim
From the rugged hills of Galway
From the walls of Limerick
And Dublin Bay
From the four proud provinces of Ireland

Chorus

Hearts of steel
And heads unbowing
Vowing never to be broken
We will fight, until
We can fight no more
From the four proud provinces of Ireland

Chorus
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 21, 2009, 22:04:19 PM
Won"t bang on too much -- but hey it"s been bottled up for 61 years


I am so happy - now is the time to get me to buy you into a toureny
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on March 21, 2009, 22:06:11 PM

Won"t bang on too much -- but hey it"s been bottled up for 61 years


I am so happy - now is the time to get me to buy you into a toureny


World Series of Poker Europe too much?

What about wee Stringer....made the difference for the deciding drop goal.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 21, 2009, 22:10:21 PM


Won"t bang on too much -- but hey it"s been bottled up for 61 years


I am so happy - now is the time to get me to buy you into a toureny


World Series of Poker Europe too much?

What about wee Stringer....made the difference for the deciding drop goal.


You"re right and when you are right you"re right -- O"leary was so slow .. stringer for president
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on March 21, 2009, 22:32:55 PM



Won"t bang on too much -- but hey it"s been bottled up for 61 years


I am so happy - now is the time to get me to buy you into a toureny


World Series of Poker Europe too much?

What about wee Stringer....made the difference for the deciding drop goal.


You"re right and when you are right you"re right -- O"leary was so slow .. stringer for president


Even Stringer couldn"t have side stepped my WSOPE question so deftly.   :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on March 22, 2009, 02:01:53 AM
I DID tell ya we"d win well before we were ahead..or my belly did.  Either way...SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP it!  Feel the love man!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 22, 2009, 11:00:27 AM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on March 22, 2009, 12:24:32 PM
Great review.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 22, 2009, 14:29:17 PM
This weekend is complete, Ireland are Grand Slam Champions (and the small matter of the Triple Crown). Between 1975 & 1983 (with the notable exception of Paris) I never missed an Ireland match Home or away. I may have mentioned that this period of my life was the best ever and although I am content with my lot, I think back to those years with a nostalgia that is genuine and sometimes sad. Not that the times were sad, but the memories make me a little sad.

I remember particularly warmly time spent in Edinburgh. Magnificent people, magnificent stadium and great Craic.

We would always arrive on a Friday and have a couple of sherbets. On one particular Friday the night ended up with us walking up the street with traffic cones on our heads singing the theme song to the Wizard of Oz. We were stopped by some police who fortunately had a sense of humour and made it back to our hotel without being arrested.

We woke up a little tender and had a hair of the dog before wandering up to the stadium. Rugby fans the world over are the best and mingle in a way that is still not possible with Football.

As usual we were getting a pasting and a jovial Scotsman in front of us passed a wee green bottle triangular in shape and offered us a "wee drink". Well Mickey took the bottle and necked it, handing it back empty with his thanks.

The jovial Scotsman looked at the bottle and shrugged his shoulders, I love Rugby fans. Mickey reached into his inside coat pocket and produced a 1 litre bottle of Paddy, proffering it to the Scotsman. Well his eyes lit up and he took a good slug.

If any of you have tasted Paddy, it is an earthy/peaty product and an acquired taste. He damn near choked as the liquid burned its way down his throat. We had a grand day and although beaten we kept a smile on our faces.

Hearts were playing Hibs that weekend and a Sunday morning paper had the headline "Irish fans show yobs how to behave"

I love rugby......... priceless......
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 22, 2009, 14:40:28 PM
As magnificent as Croke Park is, it will be great when we return to the refurbished Lansdowne Road next year. However corporate commercialism demands that  the 50,000 all seater stadium will have a new name: The Aviva Stadium.

Feck off - it will always be Lansdowne road and will still have the "Lansdowne Roar"

-- the "Aviva Roar" doesn"t have the same ring to it
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 22, 2009, 14:54:44 PM
It"s gonna look good though

(http://www.irish-architecture.com/news/2009/000057.jpg)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 22, 2009, 15:36:11 PM
My father was a direct person, and you were left in no doubt as to the thoughts that were in his brain. He also was not adverse to apportioning blame when things did not go entirely his own way. Normally this meant lumping the blame on me.

I wandered out to the shop one fine Saturday morning, and as usual he was at the till hands below the level of the counter and a guilty look on his face.

"FFS I thought you were your mother" says He
"Smoking again Da" says I
"Feck off" says he, pulling the sneaky ciggy from under the counter and drawing on it with a serene smile on his face.

"By the way, what are you at today" says he
"Thought I'd take a 10 mile run and then build a replica of the Taj Mahal" says I
"Feck off" says he "I need you after lunch"
"What for" says I
"We need to knock the shed next to Healy's" says he

FFS more manual labour when there was a pint with my name on it in Slattery's.

"No bother" says I

After lunch my mother took over in the shop and the ould lad and myself walked down to the shed. We had armed ourselves with Picks, Shovels & Sledgehammers and surveyed the shed.

Now it was attached to Healy's gable end on one side and looking at it I was not so sure that it didn't serve as a considerable prop for said gable end and I said so.

"Feck off ya eejit Healy's house is a solid as a rock" says he
"I'm not so sure Da" says I
"Start the other end" says he

Well we stripped the galvanise off the roof and removed the timber which didn't take long as it was rotten with age, and commenced breaking down the walls. It was going fairly well and I only just missed decapitating the ould lad twice, and he only managed to hit me on the backswing three times. Result in those days. We were about halfway along when I again voiced my reservations concerning the gable end.

"Feck off, it's fine" says he "and take care where you swing that sledge" FFS me take care, he was like Frank Spencer on speed with a sledge.

Still, I suppose Healy's house had stood before the shed was built and would surely stand after. We finished the job and the only damage to Healy's gable end was an area in need of plaster work along the lines of the wall and roof of the now demolished shed.

"Told ya, ya eejit" says the ould man "Safe as the Rock of Gibraltar"

We decided to move the rubble and metal on the next weekend and retired to the house for tea.

At precisely 21:10 a goodly proportion of Healy's gable end tumbled out and joined the rumble already there from the shed.

We were summoned to the scene of this particular ground zero to be confronted by Jimmy Healy.

"I told Ger" says the ould lad to Jimmy Healy

What, FFS I stared incredulously at the ould lad.

The house was still standing and the damage was limited to a central hole about 2 metres wide half way up the wall. It seems that the spot where it broke was in the bathroom and the wall was weak anyway and our efforts at demolition hastened the inevitable.

"I told him to be careful" says the ould lad
"Aye" says Jimmy
"I'll get it sorted" says the ould lad
"Aye" says Jimmy. Not one to be flustered the same Jimmy

FFS I knew better than to open my mouth however and held my counsel. The ould lad paid for the refurbish and regaled anyone who cared to listen that he always knew about the weakness and that his son never listened to him.

Priceless  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 24, 2009, 19:45:33 PM
I arose one fine Spring morning to a beautiful sunrise that streamed through my window. The shafts of light danced through the branches of the trees in the churchyard and I was at peace with the world.

"Ger, get your lazy arse down here NOW" boomed the ould lad

My peaceful reverie shattered I got dressed and slumped down the stairs.

"Yes Da" says I
"We have work to do" says he FML
"What work Da" says I
"I know you think Manual Labour is a Spanish musician but we have to clear the river" says he
"What river ?" says I dreading the answer
"The one at the back of the shop" says he

FML that river had a curse on me, I had fallen out of a tree into it, I had learned to swim in it (by being chucked into it) and the last time we had cleaned it was 3 years ago and then it was a ball breaking job. We had breakfast and wondered down the field to the river. The portion that was passing our land was nothing but a slow steady flow and I remember it being a whole lot faster and it hadn't been dry (this was Ireland FFS).

"It must be blocked further up" says he
"No Shiite" says I, nearly getting a cuff round the ear for my trouble.
"Off you go" says he FML

I descended into the river and started to trudge towards the low bridge and sure enough the river at the bridge was clogged with leaves and branches and looked a solid job. I clambered up the bank and looked at the other side. The whole of Paddy Gleesons field looked like a lake and the river on the other side was not discernable under the mass of water.

Why hadn't Paddy done something about the blockage as it was ruining his field, I thought. The ould lad had caught up.

"Why the feck hasn't Paddy sorted this" says he.

Sigh you can guess the next command.

"Clear the blockage NOW" says the ould lad.

FML, I climbed down into the river bed and began clearing the debris. Looking back I must have still been asleep as there I was in a river bed about 5 feet below the bank level clearing a blockage that had Lake Geneva behind it. I continued cursing under my breath as the ould lad lit his pipe and sat contented and serene on the bank. I had reached the edge of the brickwork when a particularly stubborn branch would not budge under my efforts.

"For Fecks Sake" said the ould lad clambering down to join me.

We pulled, it came dragging a power of leaves and debris behind, it kind of gave a popping sound and the contents of Lough Derg surged through the small gap under the bridge. I was sent flying arse over tit down the river bed. The ould lads hobnails passed through on their way over me as we were dragged for about 20 metres until the initial surge abated.

The ould lad couldn't swim and was splashing around like a demented hippo. At this stage the water was only about 4 feet deep and the surge had gone, so I dragged him to his feet.

"It's not deep Da" says I
"I know that you eejit I was only trying to find me pipe" says he. Said pipe being clamped between his teeth as strong as any vice.

Well I just started to laugh and laugh and couldn't stop as he glowered at me and scrambled up the bank.

I paid for that over the next couple of weeks but it was well worth it.

Priceless  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 24, 2009, 22:11:15 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Chipaccrual on March 24, 2009, 22:16:43 PM
As usual, perfectly put.  wp, gg your Dukeness.

;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: janc on March 24, 2009, 22:23:55 PM

As usual, perfectly put.  wp, gg your Dukeness.

;D

ditto
as i"ve said before this has to be one of the best blogs ever, and I will make a point at the next live event i attend (DTD)
to meet you &to buy you a drink .
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 24, 2009, 22:27:17 PM


As usual, perfectly put.  wp, gg your Dukeness.

;D

ditto
as i"ve said before this has to be one of the best blogs ever, and I will make a point at the next live event i attend (DTD)
to meet you &to buy you a drink .


Ask anyone - I don"t normally drink -- but for you I will make an exception ::)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: SirPercival on March 24, 2009, 22:46:03 PM
How many pints have you drunk in the time it"s taken to do 2000 posts?

Keep up the great work Ger.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on March 24, 2009, 22:58:22 PM
Congrats on your 2000th Ger.

"some bright, intelligent and serial forum lurker"?? LOL ... and the survey says "eet awwt" ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: technolog on March 24, 2009, 23:45:58 PM


Ask anyone - I don"t drink normally -- but for you I will make an exception ::)



FYP. Congratulations on the milestone Ger, many more to come I hope.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 25, 2009, 00:51:49 AM

How many pints have you drunk in the time it"s taken to do 2000 posts?


umm -- get back to you on that one - now where"s that abacus
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on March 25, 2009, 06:15:35 AM

As usual, perfectly put.  wp, gg your Dukeness.

;D


+2

Congrats on the 2k post milestone hun, as always, loving your blog, it is my favourite.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: chillijam on March 25, 2009, 13:37:22 PM


As usual, perfectly put.  wp, gg your Dukeness.

;D


+2

Congrats on the 2k post milestone hun, as always, loving your blog, it is my favourite.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 25, 2009, 17:33:31 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 26, 2009, 17:58:52 PM
I arrived home from work one evening and found my Mother & Father in a huddle at the back of the shop. Their faces were solemn and their tones were hushed. As I entered the shop they stopped talking and looked at me.

FML what have I done now, I tried to think what I had done lately and my excuses were ready whatever it was.

"Can we have a word" says the ould lad.

FFS he was being polite now I was worried, it was always the way the calm before the storm broke.

"Sure" says I

The ould lad went to the front of the shop and locked the door. OMG he never shut the shop ever, even when he broke his arm and I had to take him to casualty he waited until my mother was ready to sit at the till. We retired in an orderly fashion to the kitchen and I checked my escape routes.

The back door was probably locked so the fastest route out would be through the hall into my bedroom and out the window. I tensed myself for the rapid exit.

"It's about Maria" says the ould lad.

Thank Feck for that, Maria is my sister and was living in England.

"What's the problem" says I, now so relieved I was in high spirits
"She is getting married" says the ould lad.
"To who" says I

After a withering look, the ould lad said "To Mike of course"

"And is that a problem" says I
"God No" they both chorused

Of course it was ok, Mike was a headmaster in a large school in London and was a Catholic. Good Son in law material that.

"So what's the bother" says I
"We want to go" says the ould lad

So that was it, the bluff ould bugger didn't want to ask (or tell) me outright that he wanted me to mind the shop while they went off to England. To be honest I didn't really want to go anyway as it would be a stuffy affair bereft of drunkenness and violence.

"I'll see if I can take a few days off work and mind the shop for you" says I
"Good boy" says the ould lad "I'll pay you for loss of wages"
"I get paid holidays Da" says I
"Never mind that I'll slip you a few pounds for your trouble" says he

FFS what had happened, That bright light I saw last night must have been aliens who have taken the ould lad away and replaced him with this upsetting Mr Nice Guy.

They prepared for the trip and were about to set off for four days in England. Just before he got into the car he returned to where I was standing at the door.

"You will of course be liable for any losses incurred during the time I am away"

FFS the aliens had got fed up and put the ould lad back.


Priceless  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on March 26, 2009, 19:15:12 PM
Lol...good yarn.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on March 26, 2009, 19:30:42 PM
:D :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: janc on March 26, 2009, 19:40:11 PM

Lol...good yarn.

There all good yarns lol
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 27, 2009, 17:53:10 PM
My 21st birthday party was a riotous affair but was great craic. It was held in the ballroom of my Uncle's hotel and that was his present to me along with a free bar for 2 hours. Bless him. My two sister's had come over from England for the do and my current bit of passion, Pauline Wade was also there.

My father was of course holding court at the end of the bar with his brother, lowering the levels of a couple of bottles of Brandy. The music was provided by the Grogan Brothers whose mix of folk and country went down very well with the attendees.

I had hired a coach for my workmates who were coming from Shannon and there was approximately 200 people there. What was very nice is that there was only two fights, although the second one was a bit protracted it was carried out in a fairly orderly fashion. The highlight of the second one was the fact that me and the ould lad fought side by side, , what nostalgia.

Anyway, as the night drew on Pauline got a little annoyed at the antics and as her brother was going home she shot off with him. Don't blame her really she wasn't getting much attention from me. The night drew to a close around 3am and the hardened campaigner's adjourned back to Bodyke to continue the proceedings in the local.

Now the following day Bodyke United soccer team (I kid you not) were due to play in the semi final of the Munster junior cup in Waterford and as most of the players were at the do we mounted the coach at 8am hammered and having had no sleep.

I was in goal and I only gave away 3 penalties (I saved two of them) and wasn't sent off, which was a mystery to me as I was suffering so badly that I wanted to be sent off so I could retire to the clubhouse for a hair of the dog. We lost 3-0 which was not a bad result against the eventual winners of the competition as we finished the game with 8 men. 3 lucky buggers managed to get an early bath.

The trip home was a riot and when we arrived in the village at about 8pm that night the residue from the party was already in good voice. So we joined in.

You could do those things when you were 21 and still get up for work on the Monday. Couldn't do it now though.


Priceless days, sorely missed                          
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on March 27, 2009, 18:15:38 PM

My 21st birthday party was a riotous affair but was great craic. It was held in the ballroom of my Uncle's hotel and that was his present to me along with a free bar for 2 hours. Bless him. My two sister's had come over from England for the do and my current bit of passion, Pauline Wade was also there.

My father was of course holding court at the end of the bar with his brother, lowering the levels of a couple of bottles of Brandy. The music was provided by the Grogan Brothers whose mix of folk and country went down very well with the attendees.

I had hired a coach for my workmates who were coming from Shannon and there was approximately 200 people there. What was very nice is that there was only two fights, although the second one was a bit protracted it was carried out in a fairly orderly fashion. The highlight of the second one was the fact that me and the ould lad fought side by side, , what nostalgia.

Anyway, as the night drew on Pauline got a little annoyed at the antics and as her brother was going home she shot off with him. Don't blame her really she wasn't getting much attention from me. The night drew to a close around 3am and the hardened campaigner's adjourned back to Bodyke to continue the proceedings in the local.

Now the following day Bodyke United soccer team (I kid you not) were due to play in the semi final of the Munster junior cup in Waterford and as most of the players were at the do we mounted the coach at 8am hammered and having had no sleep.

I was in goal and I only gave away 3 penalties (I saved two of them) and wasn't sent off, which was a mystery to me as I was suffering so badly that I wanted to be sent off so I could retire to the clubhouse for a hair of the dog. We lost 3-0 which was not a bad result against the eventual winners of the competition as we finished the game with 8 men. 3 lucky buggers managed to get an early bath.

The trip home was a riot and when we arrived in the village at about 8pm that night the residue from the party was already in good voice. So we joined in.

You could do those things when you were 21 and still get up for work on the Monday. Couldn't do it now though.


Priceless days, sorely missed                          



You seem to have a bottomless pit of these great stories Duke.

Not sure if you do requests, but if you do - what was your first job in England and how did you fit in?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 27, 2009, 18:17:36 PM

You seem to have a bottomless pit of these great stories Duke.

Not sure if you do requests, but if you do - what was your first job in England and how did you fit in?


Now that"s a doozy -- Request accepted and working on it as we speak
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 27, 2009, 19:02:50 PM
In April of 1988 my marriage was in tatters and was ended by mutual consent. I couldn't stay around so my eyes turned to England. My sister was living in Cheshire and she agreed to put me up for a while so off I went.

Prior to leaving I was working as an Analyst Programmer in the Digital plant in Galway specializing in development of automated systems. I signed up for a couple of agencies on my arrival and got a few interviews. One of which was with my current employer.

I arrived for the interview at 10:00 and it went well, I saw the head of IT and personnel and when the interview was concluded I was asked to wait in reception. Now it transpired that they were putting in an automated conveyor belt pick and pallet system at the time of my arrival and it would seem my current experience was what they were looking for.

I was summoned into the IT Directors office.

"We want to offer you the job" says he
"I have a few more interviews" says I

He mentioned the salary, the other interviews were binned I was to start on Monday.

The initial reaction to me in the department was very positive. To be honest there are not a lot of people I don't get on with. I soon fitted in, although the culture of office politics was alien to me, and to a certain extent still is. I couldn't get my head round the culture of meetings that went on so long with people skirting around the subject and repeating things that were already done to death. I was used to direct talk from direct people and struggled with this culture.

The favourite pet hate was, when the boss spoke every other person would say the same thing using different words and rinse and repeat for ages.

I had the misfortune of speaking my mind and still do (don't attend many policy meetings these days LOL) and that got me into a little hot water for a while.

But they soon got used to me, and I to them and it has been a wonderful relationship for the last 21 years. As most of my work is based around Supply Chain and physical warehouses, direct speech is understood more readily in that environment. 

With me what they saw is what they got and I must be doing something right as I am still there..
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: pables on March 27, 2009, 20:20:52 PM
What a great resume and what a fantastic series of posts.

Please keep them up Duke and look forward to meeting you in the not too distant future.

:)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 27, 2009, 21:06:45 PM
Got a new logo -- watch out for it on a Polo shirt near you

(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/chezger_long.JPG)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: KarmaDope on March 27, 2009, 23:50:58 PM

Got a new logo -- watch out for it on a Polo shirt near you

(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/chezger_long.JPG)


Mine"s a medium then plz.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 27, 2009, 23:52:57 PM
on the new order list
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: KarmaDope on March 27, 2009, 23:54:56 PM

on the new order list


Excellent. Got to find my one for next week, its somewhere in this god forsaken house that I can"t be arsed to feckin" tidy up.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 28, 2009, 09:55:41 AM
When the God"s are against you they are against you (or is my game just pants). Went down the Shell club last night for a game. Now the particular brand of poker at this venue is more suited to the Blue Planet Aquarium at times, but its a nice club, cheap beer and mostly nice people.

It"s an 11k starting stack with 15 minute blinds. As it is self dealt the blinds really creep up on you which doesn"t suit my uber tight passive wait for a monster game  ::)

50p on it"s way

I was getting tripe, and when you get shiite you get a little bored and try to be creative and make the trash work for you. A couple of lost causes later I was down to 9k with the blinds at 100/200. I find QQ in the cutoff and raise to 800 SB calls and the BB gets out of the way. The flop comes down A52 I bet 800 (OK OK I just wanted to see where I was here) SB goes all in. FFS was my pre flop not enough to get A rag out of the pot. I did a bt of poor ham acting and folded. He showed AA, wow it could have been worse.

Down to 7.4k and the blinds now at 200/400 limped around to me in the BB I have AQ and bet 1400 one of the limpers pushes all in for way more than I have. Folded round to me I fold (OK more critique here at your leisure)

Down to 6k, a few hands of shiite later with the blinds at 300/600 get KK UTG - all in, someone will call me, mid position man and huge chip leader shoves all his chips in, hmmm is he weak and only wants me in a HU situation. The rest all fold and mr chip leader, cardrack, smug SOB turns over AA and i"m out of there.

So I ran into Aces twice and played like a complete twonk for he rest of the time. My chips are all yours in Cardiff.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 28, 2009, 14:34:27 PM
Today is a day of domesticity. I have a skip out on the drive and anything not nailed down is going in it. I have warned the two children and they have been frantically rescuing clothes from various floors and basically securing prized possessions. Because when their old man tidies up, he knows only one way. Dump, dump and dump again.

I did a huge wash and have 14 shirts to iron. Love it.

I washed the smalls and socks and was amazed at the amount. (the main reason for this is that when I go away on business I tend to buy undies etc because I forget to wash them in time)

I have washed and changed all the bedding.

The back garden has been cleared of all unwanted appendages.

Me and Ger are off to get a trim today, in my case a trim, in his case a major topiary operation as his mop looks like he's seen a ghost. 

Then it's off to my sister's for a full roast dinner (she thinks I don't eat right). She is the eldest of my two sisters and I love her to bits. I will provide the refreshments so a good night is in prospect.

Remind me to buy a pinny today - sigh
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 28, 2009, 17:35:18 PM
I awoke one Saturday morning after a fairly good session and wandered into the kitchen in search of breakfast. My mother seemed in an exceptionally good mood and sat me down and got the pan out. One full breakfast and two mugs of tea later and I was ready to face the world.

I went out into the shop and the ould lad, in complete contrast to me mother, was in a particularly foul mood.

"Morning Da" says I jovially
"What time do you call this to be getting up you lazy fecker" he retorted

I retreated back into the kitchen.

"What's up with him" says I
"He's in pain" says me mother
"Lost a £1 did he" says I
"No, ya eejit, real pain, from his teeth" says she smiling broadly

Apart from the fact that my mother was enjoying his discomfort, the ould lad was proud of the fact that he had all his teeth and he looked after them.

"Why doesn't he go to the dentist" says I
"He won't go" says she nearly breaking down with mirth
"I'll talk to him" says I
"Good luck" says she

I went into the shop and walked up to the ould lad. I was determined to take the diplomatic route.

"Go to the dentist you fecking eejit" says I
"Feck off" says he
"I'll make the appointment and drive you" says I
"Feck off" says he

I went into the post office part of the shop and Margaret was behind the counter.

"Is he still in a foul mood" says she
"Aye" says I

I rang the dentist and he had an opening (no pun intended) in an hours time, I booked him in. I went into the kitchen and told my mother to come into the shop as I was taking the ould lad to the dentist.

"This I must see" says she.

"come on Da, I've got you an appointment with Mr Kelly" says I
"I'm not going near that fecking butcher" says he
"Ah so you are afraid of the dentist" says I, taking another tack
"Feck off" says he (limited vocabulary when in pain me Da)
"come on, get in the car"

It was testament to the pain he was in that he did get up and went to my car. I drove to the dentist in the next town and dropped him outside. He went in and I just had to follow. I walked into the surgery and he was already gone into the room. I sat down and started to read those awful magazines that they have in all dentists surgeries.

A sound of a drill sounded.

"What the feck, take that fecking thing away from me John Kelly or I'll tear your fecking head off".

The dulcet tones of the ould lad made their way out into the waiting room. The drill sounded again and there was muffled noises from within the room. Next thing the wee girl assistant ran out into the waiting room and shut the door behind her.

"Hi Mary, what's up" says I
"Your Father, that's what's up, God he has an awful tongue on him, Mr Kelly sent me out" says she.

The next thing that happened was the drill stopped, there was an almighty crash and then complete silence. We looked at each other and Mary made to go towards the door.

"Leave it a while" says I

She stopped and looked at me and nodded.

The door opened and the ould lad emerged.

"Take me home" says he

I looked in the door and there was John Kelly leaning up against the cabinets sweat streaming down his face with his drill still in his hand. He looked at me.

"A difficult man your father" says he.
"No Shiite" says I

Priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 28, 2009, 17:39:52 PM
As I was typing that the wee man fired up the wii and put some boxing thing on. He did a little warm up went to his PC and pressed a button and the sound of "Eye of the Tiger" burst out.

I laughed so hard I nearly wet myself

It"s a good life, it really is
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: KarmaDope on March 29, 2009, 02:46:36 AM

I did a huge wash and have 14 shirts to iron. Love it.



Get Carl to sort that one out!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 30, 2009, 17:33:18 PM
We were in Mike's one Friday evening holding the usual discussion about where to end the night. I really don't know why we bothered, because we always ended up in Vaughan's in Broadford. Anyway Pat Touhy came in late on and said that the forestry was on fire.

Now there was a large wood on what we call the mountain and it was owned by the Forestry Commission and provided good employment to a variety of Bodyke residents. Its demise would be a blow to quite a few people.

So we volunteered to a man to go up there and lend a hand. About 10 of us, in varying degrees of sobriety, piled into a couple of cars and headed up the mountain. When we arrived at the edge of the fire it had taken quite a hold and the fire brigade, well one tender from Scarriff anyway, was in attendance. Because of the lack of a water source for sustained dowsing, we were detailed to beat the living Shiite out of the edge of the fire in order to contain it.

This involved letting the original fire burn itself out. Simple you might think, however it was really hard work as the fire was pretty close and fecking hot. Because the underlying soil was peat based as soon as you beat out the flames they would spring up a couple of minutes later.

"FFS will the fecking fire ever go out" says Denis
"Seems perpetual" says I
"Perpet what" says Denis
"Never mind, keep beating" says I
"No, what did you say" says he
"Don't worry" says I
"You saying I'm thick" says he
"No just neurally challenged" says I
"That's alright then" says he, going back to his beating

27 hours we spent on that fecking mountain catching sleep now and again and beating the living Shiite out of the same patch of land over and over again. We were told that we had done a fine job and we could now go home. The forestry man was there and took our names saying that we would get the normal hourly rate for our efforts.

We headed down and as it was now midnight on Saturday we decided to have a couple of pints before retiring. There we were lined up against the bar smelling of smoke and sweat, but do you know what we were proud of ourselves and toasted one another. Well the couple of pints led to another couple and we all left at about 2am.

As we walked out of the bar door we looked up to the mountain whose fire we had beat. Feck me if the mountain didn't look back and say "You don't beat me that easy you scrawny, insignificant feckers" and a reddish glow could be seen.

FFS we all piled into Philip Hogan's car, because he didn't drink, and headed back up the mountain, where we stayed beating for another 12 hours. At the end of the stint we couldn't slap another patch of fire, we were knackered, but this time we had it beat.

I got a cheque in the post and for the life of me I can't remember the amount, but it wasn't a lot. However that weekend showed the good side of the community and as such was very fulfilling (apart from Denis trying to plant his brother when he hit him with a beater)  

Good spirit, great people, priceless.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: technolog on March 30, 2009, 19:49:27 PM


Anyway Pat Touhy came in late on and said that the forestry was on fire.



Obvious level. Nothing in Ireland has ever been dry enough to burn.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 31, 2009, 18:14:41 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 31, 2009, 23:07:47 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on March 31, 2009, 23:09:09 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on March 31, 2009, 23:10:26 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on April 01, 2009, 09:42:10 AM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 02, 2009, 17:28:08 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 02, 2009, 17:41:31 PM
I make no apologies for most of my ramblings revolving around being in a public house. These were the heartbeat of the nation, the social centre of life itself. I am not talking about your plastic city pubs, I am taking about the real village pub.

You could be from anywhere and arrive into one of these pubs and within seconds you would be engaged in conversation, giving your life story to a complete stranger. If the government's employed these denizens of the village pub to help with their interrogations, there would be no more terrorism.

Your average Irish barman was probably the owner as well or at least a relative of the owner. Also the same barman would be the master of extracting information along with being adept at the art of repeating what you say as a question. In fact a vast majority of what comes out of the barman's mouth is a question and he/she is relentless.

As you walk in for the first time the conversation could go something like this.

Barman: "What'll ya have ?"
Tourist: "A pint of beer please"
Barman: "Is it a beer ya want ?"
Tourist: "Yes please"
Barman: "And what beer would that be ?"
Tourist: "Harp please"
Barman: "Harp is it ?"
Tourist: "Yes Please"
Barman: "and where would you be from ?"
Tourist:  "South Africa"
Barman: "South Africa eh ?"
Tourist:  "Yes"
Barman: "And what brings you to Ireland ?"
Tourist:  "Holiday, looking up family ties"
Barman: "Holiday is it ?"
Tourist:  "Yes"
Barman: "Family from around here ?"
Tourist:  "Yes, from Tulla"
Barman: "From Tulla is it ?"
Tourist: "Yes"  
Barman: "And who would your Father have been ?"
Tourist:  "My father was South African my Mother was from Tulla"
Barman: "Father South African eh, And who is your mother ?"
Tourist:  "Mary Kelly"
Barman: "Mary Kelly is it ?"
Tourist:  "Yes"
Barman: "From Tulla ?"
Tourist:  "Yes"
Barman: "Went to South Africa ?"
Tourist:  "Yes"
Barman: "Nope don't know her, however I knew a Nancy Ryan who went to America"

Rinse and repeat for an hour and the tourist will have given up the will to live.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on April 02, 2009, 20:22:31 PM
It has been a bleak day, but that did make me LOL.  So true.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 05, 2009, 17:34:03 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: AMRN on April 05, 2009, 18:17:59 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 07, 2009, 17:32:19 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 07, 2009, 19:30:47 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on April 07, 2009, 19:54:51 PM
!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 07, 2009, 20:05:29 PM

!


well as replies goes that is minimalist in the extreme  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: janc on April 08, 2009, 08:27:57 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 08, 2009, 17:41:35 PM
Near to Nyons was a wonderful restaurant which had a full wall of awards outside the door and came highly recommended for a meal. It was in the village of Vinsobres, built on a hill and has a delightful Priory as its focal point.

(http://www.provenceweb.fr/grafiq/villes26/vinsobres/vinsobres-04_120.jpg) The restuarant.....

We entered the restaurant to be greeted warmly and invited to have a drink while we perused the menu. The detail of the starter's is a little hazy except that I had l'escargot beautifully marinated in a garlic mixture. The fun was to come when we ordered the main course.

Ger had spaghetti carbonara and the girls had another variation of pasta, I ordered the fillet steak and requested that it be cooked rare ("Bleu") as that is my preference. It was not, however Gabrielle's.

"Madame?" inquired the waiter pen poised
"Fillet Steak, well done " says she
"Pardon madam ?" says he gob open wide as a barn door
"Steak, very well done" says she

He shrugged his shoulders and looked at me. I shrugged my own shoulders and whispered.

"tres bien cuit monsieur" says I looking embarrassed
"Non, Monsieur Non" he said looking extremely afraid as he glanced at the kitchen.
"Oui" says I

He sighed and walked towards the kitchen. Gabrielle looked at me.

"What was that about" says she
"I think you might find out shortly that you have offended the chef" says I
"How?" says she
"By asking for a well done steak, you know they don't burn their food" says I
"I'm paying, I want it well done" says she.

Apart from the mute point that I was paying anyway, I stayed quiet. That was more than could be said for the kitchen. Two voices were heard in heated argument in such rapid French that I could only make out a few words. Amongst the words were references to our heritage and parentage that would, in normal circumstances, necessitate a rolling up of sleeves and invitation to the car park.

The waiter came out smiled a forced smile and departed for the front bar, where he promptly filled a glass with brandy saluted me and drank it in one. The noise continued in the kitchen and then the door burst open and out came the chef, looking splendid in his high hat and apron. He strode purposely towards our table shouting unintelligibly at the top of his voice.

He stopped and stared at Gabrielle and stopped shouting.

"You want your meat like table" he said rapping his knuckles on the table
"Ok you have meat like table" and he departed into the kitchen reverting back to screaming obscenities in French.

God help me but I descended into fits of laughter trying unsuccessfully to stifle them. Gabrielle gave me daggers across the table. The meal (ours anyway) when it arrived was beautiful (I did check for razor blades in the veg) and Gabrielle ate hers in silence apart from saying it was OK. I went to pay for the bill and noticed that Gabrielle's steak was not on it. I pointed this out and was told politely that Gabrielle's steak never existed and he would be obliged if it stayed that way.

Never ask a French Chef for a well done steak. Ever --- priceless


Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on April 08, 2009, 18:44:18 PM
Too funny :)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 09, 2009, 17:34:54 PM
Now I have had a couple of notable encounters with the fine gentlemen of the French Police Force whilst driving around. In one instance I was driving towards Gap, the town not the store, when I was waved to the side by two very large and very armed policemen, positioned in the middle of the road.

I pulled into a little lay by and one of them approached my side of the car.

"Registration" he growled in French

Now the car was a company car and I had received a travel pack from the car department before leaving. It was in the car and I fumbled in it and FFS no V5. I handed him the letter from the company that basically said that this was a company vehicle and I had permission to drive it. I also handed him my licence and a copy of the insurance document.

"Registration" he repeated after glancing at the documents I had handed him.

At this point he rested his hand on the butt of his revolver, now his hand might have been tired from waving in cars but it put the wind up me. I had visions of the car being impounded and me ending up in jail.

I tried to explain in halting French that it was a company car and I had neglected to get a copy of the V5. He did not understand a fecking word I was saying and he looked like his patience was coming to an end.

He stepped back from the door and said something, and it was obvious that he meant for me to get out of the car. I opened the door and stepped out. At this stage he entered into a conversation with his older colleague, waving the documents I gave him. I was quivering like a leaf in a gale force wind at this time.

The older of the two approached me and in halting English said.

"So, this is not your car"

FFS now I will get arrested for grand theft auto amongst other things.

"It is but it isn't, it belongs to my company" I mumbled and squeaked

He turned to his mate and said something and was handed the meagre documents that I had. He glanced at them and turned to me. His mate took station a little to his left with his hand still on the butt of his gun, looking for all the world like he wanted me to twitch out of turn so he could have an excuse to shoot me.

The older policeman handed me back my documents and saluted smartly.

"Merci Monsieur, Bon Journee"

I got back into my car without crapping myself and went to drive off, it was a good job the car was an automatic as my left leg had a mind of its own shaking as it was. I managed to pull out of the lay by and continue to Gap.

I made sure that I had the V5 on subsequent holidays...
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 10, 2009, 10:22:47 AM
When we were staying in the Chateaux Neuf region we decided to travel to Avignon after lunch, in order to see the famous "pont". As we drove into the city there was a police road block and they were pulling every car.

As we got nearer to the head of the queue I could see they were breathalysing drivers. Now I had no drink that day as I don't drink and drive, however I had consumed a goodly amount the night before.

My mind started racing, had the excess of the night before disappeared from my bloodstream, of course it had, or had it. FFS stop worrying you're ok I told myself. As each car crept forward I started to doubt it more. Car impounded, and as Gabrielle didn't drive I might as well leave the frigging car there.

I pulled up alongside the nice policeman and he handed me the bag. It was the old manual type and not the digital one. I blew manfully into it and handed it back. FFS what was the limit here, had they set it to zero, was I fecked.

He looked at it and walked across to another policeman who checked it and shook his head. FFS what did the shake of the head mean. Did it mean that I had passed or did it mean, no unfortunately you can't shaft the driver you'll have to let him go.

They had a conversation for a while as I felt the blood drain from my body. At least if I opted for a blood test they wouldn't find any. He walked back across with that particular look that all policemen have. You know the one, it's designed to make you feel guilty about something even if you have done nothing.

Before he reached the car he waved me on and proceeded to the car behind. Relief was an understatement I was so drained, I knew I was OK because it had been over 14 hours since I had a drink, but there is always a niggling doubt in situations like that.




Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 11, 2009, 13:34:02 PM

Last night at the aquarium was fun. Adam (Sharplea) and his good lady Julie were up for the weekend. Adam went out JJ v KK to a 9 high board early in the tournament whilst Julie came a very credible third. I lost most of my chips when pocket 3's against my flopped set turned into a 6 high straight and never recovered. I did have the consolation of winning the side STT for £50 though.

Six of us retired to my house for a little £10 game and Julie, jokingly we all thought, made the dubious statement that if she got to heads up she would remove her top. You never saw so many all in's early in the tournament.

[X] It was a laugh
[X] Julie got to heads up
[X] The Webcam was active and on record
[  ] I could be bribed not to upload the pics

Nice game with friends Priceless...............
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on April 11, 2009, 13:39:30 PM
Puhleeeeeease!  As long as she still had her bra on, it"s nothing new FFS!  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 11, 2009, 13:52:41 PM
Now I have bored the pants off anyone foolish enough to listen, about how proud I am of Ger. He has always been  known as the "Wee Man", although he is tipping the height chart at around 6 foot now. Even at the aquarium last night other poker players now use the term and he takes it in his stride.

When he was 5 or 6 we were staying in a holiday complex in France that had a large communal pool equipped with a wave machine. He was bobbing along up to his shoulders in the pool, manfully trying to emulate the much better swimming prowess of his sisters, when the wave machine started up.

I was keeping an eagle eye on him as the waves got bigger and threatened to swamp him. He didn't shout, he didn't scream, he just calmly beckoned to me with his hand as he was slipping under with every wave. I reached him in double quick time and hoisted him up out of the water and made for shallow waters. I plonked him down and enquired as to his health.

"Fine, let's do that again" was his response. 

He is no bother at all, he doesn't run with the wrong crowd and he knows the values of respect. It is a great source of pride for me that he can now travel with me to APAT events and other activities.

If he gets off his lazy arse and reads this he will know that there are more cringing stories to come about his formative years. Watch this space.

He is great company and I love him to bits . priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on April 11, 2009, 21:25:46 PM
We were at the swimming pool in Dunbar and our son David ( 8 ), although could swim a little bit wasnt very strong in the water and we were keeping a very watchful eye on him.  He was not far from us and his sister was beside him when the wave machine started also, and before we knew it he started to panic as the waves got bigger and bigger and similar situation stan got to him and pulled him into shallow water.  Wee soul was bawling his eyes out saying "i dont like the waves Daddy" awwwww.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 13, 2009, 12:30:54 PM
Now Ger's mother had a streak of stubbornness that never allowed her to be wrong. When we travelled to France by car we would normally stop part way down and stay in different places overnight each trip. One trip saw us staying in Beaune (http://www.beaune-burgundy.com/), a delightful town obsessed with wine. My kind of town !

We settled down for dinner on the veranda of the hotel on a beautiful warm evening. We had a lovely meal,  and were choosing the desert when Gabrielle decided to have a selection of cheeses.  The waitress arrived with the cheese board and Gabrielle pointed to some Camembert and then a piece of Brie and then the fateful choice.

She pointed to a particular cheese on the board and the waitress seemed to shrink inside herself as she looked aghast and said in an incredulous voice.

"Le Bleu, is madam sure"

Well Gabrielle didn't know the cheese but was not about to be upstaged by a waitress.

"Of course" she snapped.

The waitress shrugged her shoulders and cut off a piece of "Le Bleu" and placed it on the plate and retreated as if she had placed Uranium 245 on the table. She went into the kitchen and a short time later it was like a cartoon as three heads slowly appeared round the jam of the door.

The dining area was in a kind of cathedral hush, which Gabrielle failed to notice as she forked a piece of camembert into her mouth. It all seemed to happen in slow motion as she cut off a piece of "Le Bleu" and it was making its way to her mouth.

It was nearing the destination and all eyes were on Gabrielle, when the aroma of the cheese must have hit her nostrils.

"Yeuuuuuuuk" she cried as she dropped her fork and made a face like she had swallowed two hundred wasps.

Well I couldn't keep a straight face and the three stooges in the doorway disappeared into the kitchen, while the rest of the diners seemed to have found renewed interest in their dinners.

Myself and the wee man spent the rest of the holiday saying "Le Bleu" in hushed dramatic tones at every opportunity.

Priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MintTrav on April 13, 2009, 15:27:42 PM
On the swimming theme, my daughters were expert swimmers from the day they were born. I am unbeaten in races against them as I retired undefeated when they were about 7 or 8 and things were getting a bit too tight. One day when Rosie was about 4 we went to the pool and she hopped straight into the deep end. Some man naturally assumed that the tiny thing with no armbands had gone in the wrong end and jumped in right behind her. Watching someone rescue a child who doesn"t want to be rescued is well worth the entrance fee any day!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 13, 2009, 17:06:49 PM
When we were staying in Port Grimaud (http://www.grimaud-provence.com/grimaud/en/port_vecto.htm) we hired a little motor boat to explore the bay. It was only a little thing but had a steady turn of speed and we headed off towards St Tropez.  It was funny with our little Phut Phut weaving amongst the super Yachts. We parked up and had a cool drink rubbing shoulders with the rich and famous. (IMO pretentious pratts)

We went further along the coast where the rich villa's are and there was a boat full of paparazzi at the base of one of them. We heard afterwards that it was George Michael's and Robbie Williams and Ginger Spice were supposed to be there, hence the photo frenzy.

The devil in me made me do it honest. I opened the throttle to its fullest and passed close to the paparazzi boat causing it to rock violently. I did laugh and got a ticking off from herself heh ho.

We were making our way back to base when Gabrielle wanted to steer the boat. Ger and Marie were on the prow legs dangling and taking the rays when a big pillock in a huge boat came out of Port Grimaud harbour. He was leaving rather large waves in his wake.

I was relaxing in the stern and I calmly said.

"Point the boat into those waves"
"What?" says she
"Don't let the waves hit us broadside" says I a little more forcely
"What?" says she
"Steer into the waves" roared I
"What?" says she

Too late we were clattered side on and Ger and Marie hung on for their lives and got drenched. I ended up flat on my face and Gabrielle fell back on top of me. We didn't capsize and I managed to get the boat back in one piece.

Women drivers  ::) . priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 14, 2009, 18:11:04 PM
When we were building the shop in the early 70's we encountered the monolithic machine that was the Electricity Supply Board (ESB). This National institution provided employment for thousands of people and worked in very mysterious ways.

The plot where the shop was built was slap bang in the middle of two supply poles (all electricity was provided by overhead lines) and we were told that a new pole had to be erected alongside the plot.

Fair enough, we had finished the wiring in the shop and were waiting to be connected. Then an astonishing series of events unfolded.

First off, on the Monday, a truck arrived and 2 men dropped the new pole and promptly drove off before the ould lad could collar them.

On the Tuesday a team of 6 men arrived and dug the hole. Well one young lad dug the hole and the other five annoyed the mother for water in order to have a brew. The ould lad was starting to boil over.

"FFS 6, fecking 6 men to dig a fecking hole" says he.

On Wednesday a team of 4 men arrived to erect the pole.

"FFS 4, fecking 4 men to put up fecking pole" says he.

On Thursday a team of 6 men arrived to interrupt the supply of electricity for the day and connect the wires to the pole.

"FFS 6, fecking 6 men to run a wire between two fecking poles" says he.

At this point myself and the mother were thinking of moving out for a couple of days as the ould lad was getting unbearable to live with.

On Friday 2 men arrived to run a wire from the pole to the mother board and when they were finished.

"At fecking last, now where's the main fuse" fumed the ould lad
"Not our job" says man 1
"Specialist job that" says man 2
"FFS it's a mickey mouse job you fecking eejits" he was on form that day.
"Union rules" says man 1
"Union rules" repeated man 2

After telling them what he thought of them and their union they departed. He got on the phone and repeated his opinion to the area manager and went into overdrive when he was told that the "main fuse man" wouldn't be out until Monday. He gripped the phone and his knuckles went white and I retired to a respectable distance as he stood holding the phone and swore constantly for a good 5 minutes. The eloquence and delivery of this tirade was wondrous to behold and I stood there in awe at his rich and varied vocabulary. I think that even the area manager was impressed, despite the fact that his ancestry, birth circumstances, personality and everything else was drawn into the mix.

On Monday a suited and booted man arrived, put in the main fuse, and sealed it. At this stage the ould lad was worn out and didn't utter a word.

A total of 8 days and 21 men to put up a pole and run a wire to the shop.

Priceless............ 
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: janc on April 14, 2009, 19:40:21 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Trademans on April 15, 2009, 16:53:03 PM


Just caught up with the thread Ger.  Cracking read!   ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 16, 2009, 19:10:58 PM
We went to France one year, using a website that had normal people"s homes that were only rented out for a few weeks of the year. It was a big change away from the villa/holiday villages that we had used before. We had the address and the time we had to arrive and we duly pulled up alongside a bungalow in Ste Maxime on the south coast.

An elderly couple were there to meet us and I had absolutely no idea what they were saying as their French was rapid and regional. I eventually worked out that a deposit was required, he wrote down the amount and it was duly paid.

They showed us the house and I still had no idea WTF they were saying. It was a lovely wee house, spotless and with all we required. At this stage I was not only tired from the drive, but also frustrated by my lack of understanding.

I had a few bottles of wine that I had purchased along the route and I cracked one open and pointed to a glass whilst looking at the couple. Well their eyes lit up and they drew up a couple of chairs and while Gabrielle and the children unpacked the car we launched into the wine.

Through signs and schoolboy French we managed to get the following facts. I played rugby, as did he, he had no love of the English (I never found out why) and he loved to drink.

But do you know what was very strange, after three hours and numerous bottles of wine we were having a lively conversation and we found that we understood each other perfectly.

Priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 18, 2009, 17:58:39 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 18, 2009, 18:22:06 PM
Ok peeps, it's Irish On-line Open night. Myself and the wee man are ready willing and in his case able for this tonight. He nearly qualified on the Monday but went out in 12th, however he crushed the rebuy (ok I think he re-bought 4 times). Now I can assure you that while we play in the same room it is at different ends of the room and we do not collude. I have never favoured him in any competition and took the tack that he must win on his own merits. So rest assured there will be no soft play and I will be aiming to take his chips just as vigourously as I will attempt to take yours

Webcam will be in action as well WEBCAM (http://www.chezger.co.uk/html/webcam.html)

If you view it now you can see he is ready for the long haul Duvet and snacks at the ready  ;D ;D ;D ;D

GL all  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 19, 2009, 12:42:04 PM
Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present for your selective viewing, my son who hit the couch on Monday 6th April and has only left it to go to the toilet for the last two weeks.

LAZY SHIITE WATCH (http://www.chezger.co.uk/html/webcam.html)

It refreshes every 30 seconds (I could refresh it every 30 hours for all the movement you will see)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on April 19, 2009, 15:57:29 PM
LOL, just LOL.

Quote
... and has only left it to go to the toilet for the last two weeks


(http://www.net10.co.uk/APAT/forum/bowl.jpg)

I would take that bowl away from him just in case he decides to get lazier  :-\
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: janc on April 19, 2009, 20:49:10 PM

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present for your selective viewing, my son who hit the couch on Monday 6th April and has only left it to go to the toilet for the last two weeks.

LAZY SHIITE WATCH (http://www.chezger.co.uk/html/webcam.html)

It refreshes every 30 seconds (I could refresh it every 30 hours for all the movement you will see)

Priceless  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 19, 2009, 23:16:36 PM
I am off to Ireland with my good friend and APATer Glenn (Bigfella) to attend the Punchestown races on Friday 1st May. It promises to be a great day. Joining us will be Laxie and her long suffering husband Timothy. I then was going to travel down to Cork for the rest of the weekend to watch the Rugby between Munster & Leinster in the delightful village of Knocknagree and maybe have a drink or two. Now if you have ever been in Timothy's company while Munster are playing you will know that that is going to get lively.

Good so far eh?

However a couple of newly acquired bits of information have come to light that have a huge bearing on my original decision.

First of all, that mad woman who you all know and love has decided to climb a mountain on Sunday and is looking for volunteers to join her. Now I know it is for a good cause and all that. But Chezger do not do mountains, end of.

However there is a caveat, If I don't do the walk I get a wax (bodily location is allegedly under negotiation at the women's institute of Knocknagree at this present time). FFS hair removal is a little extreme, I mean I have already shaved off the beard what more does she want.

Pictures of chickens will be treated with the contempt they deserve.

Watch this space
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: kinboshi on April 20, 2009, 15:27:23 PM
Delivers as usual Ger.

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on April 20, 2009, 17:30:33 PM
(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/ger.jpg)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 20, 2009, 17:31:11 PM
I used to take walks in the fields at the back of the shop most evenings, before I found the delights of the two G's Guinness & Girls. I wouldn't walk further that the house to the car now, So Laxie has no hope of getting me up a fecking mountain.

Whilst on one of these aimless walks I was treated to a lesson in Mother Nature's survival of the fittest.

As I walked alongside the ditch with the sun beginning to lose its power on a beautiful summer's evening, a rabbit broke out from the ditch near my feet. It was a young rabbit and its gait was broken, not the usual skip of a carefree rabbit. I was no threat to it, so it wasn't me making this creature run, terrified to the point of death.

It broke past me across the wide open field and I heard it, quite literally, cry in a heart tugging way I had never heard before, as it ran across the field, aimlessly, not in any given direction towards any kind of freedom.

Then I saw the object of its terror, it was what I had always called a weasel, but was probably a stoat. It came from further away, out of the same ditch. It seemed to be in no hurry at all, as this deadly little predator closed in on its quarry. Now I knew that the small rabbit was already dead when it passed me by.

Rooted to the spot I saw that streak of ferocity close in on the rabbit in the middle of the field, even the birds seemed to have stopped singing. He went for the throat with his razor sharp teeth. I would almost swear that the young rabbit died of heart failure, of pure fear, even before the actual physical killing took place before my eyes.

Nature at work in its most violent but strangely beautiful form. I must get off my fat arse and do some walks, maybe even do the Laxie mountain walk (who am I kidding!!).

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 20, 2009, 17:35:13 PM

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/ger.jpg)


Treating with contempt cos if you go up mountains

(http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/midi/verschiedene/h074.gif)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on April 20, 2009, 17:42:08 PM
Well, as it turns out - you"re off the hook.  You"re still a chicken, but you"re an off the hook chicken.  My 11 year old daughter is going to take your place on the climb up the mountain. 

Wimp. 

That is all. 



LOL
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 20, 2009, 17:54:05 PM

Well, as it turns out - you"re off the hook.  You"re still a chicken, but you"re an off the hook chicken.  My 11 year old daughter is going to take your place on the climb up the mountain. 

Wimp. 

That is all. 



LOL


Always said she was a smashing girl
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: kinboshi on April 20, 2009, 18:51:31 PM


Well, as it turns out - you"re off the hook.  You"re still a chicken, but you"re an off the hook chicken.  My 11 year old daughter is going to take your place on the climb up the mountain. 

Wimp. 

That is all. 



LOL


Always said I was a big girl


FYP
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 20, 2009, 19:00:50 PM
Listen you two, if God had meant me to run, walk up mountains or hike around the country, he wouldn"t have invented the combustion engine. Some people are born to run, I was born to drive (or stay in and drink). Walking/running is for dedicated, fit, healthy individual eejits.

Cheers

(http://img104.imageshack.us/img104/8230/dorstig6wi.gif)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on April 21, 2009, 10:16:12 AM
You are one serious luckbox.  They"ve pushed the mountain climb to the following week, so you"re 100% off the hook.  No guilt trips or sad puppy eyed looks.  Back to nothing but pints, sports and steaks.   ;)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 21, 2009, 17:19:00 PM

You are one serious luckbox.  They"ve pushed the mountain climb to the following week, so you"re 100% off the hook.  No guilt trips or sad puppy eyed looks.  Back to nothing but pints, sports and steaks.   ;)


You never stop trying do you FYP
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 21, 2009, 17:20:26 PM
Whilst typing out the rabbit story, it occurred to me that I didn't really appreciate the green and pleasant land that is Ireland when I was younger.

For instance, the stunning scenery on the West coast of Clare was lost on me years ago. The only reason I would visit those places would be to have some craic. Therefore I would drive from A to B in as quick a time as possible and never even glance at the scenery. Arriving at B I would sprint from the car and into a pub to get some of the black stuff down my throat as quickly as possible.

When I revisited the area a few years ago I was astounded at the rugged beauty of the area. My eyes were well and truly opened.

The magnificent Cliffs of Moher, the unique fauna of the Burren, the unusual Ailwee caves, the dolmans, the list is endless.

Oh and the pubs are still there as well waiting to greet me on a cool autumn evening.

It must be an age thing...
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 21, 2009, 19:50:54 PM
Oh well I am trying agin for dublin

Last nights notable hands

1. I took out the wee man KJ v22 ooops (see no collusion in the Chezger house)  ;D ;D ;D
2.

ah :2h: in small blind (400/800/100)

UTG calls 800 I raise to 3,200 he calls

flop  ad1 4h jh

I go all in - he insta calls

and turns  qh td

turn  qc  I am still happy(ish)

and you guessed it

river  qd

gg wp nh and I get crippled and never recover go out with a push two hands later with  7s 8s

its a cruel game but I am in again tonight and will try again
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 22, 2009, 19:46:43 PM
I walked into our kitchen at home one fine morning, and my mother was seated at the table having one of her one hundred cups of tea.

"You haven't forgotten that you promised to accompany the Old Folks on their pilgrimage to Croagh Patrick today?" she inquired sweetly knowing that I probably had.

FML I had agreed in a moment of madness to accompany 10 of the senior citizens in a mini bus on this pilgrimage. They obviously thought I was serious. No backing out now.

"Of course not, I am looking forward to it" I lied

Now Mt Croagh Patrick is a mountain near the town of Westport in County Mayo. St Patrick is said to have climbed it in 441 AD, he could have chosen a smaller one FFS. Each year, a few of the senior citizens make the trek to the top to pray at the stations of the cross, participate in Mass, do penance (in which case the rocky journey is undertaken barefoot or for the really bad sinners on their knees). There are three pilgrimage stations on the way to the summit of Croagh Patrick, each of which has a sign with instructions for the proper rituals and prayers.

When the time arrived and the Senior Citizens arrived I was not surprised to find that they were all women. My mother made the obligatory pot of tea and we waited for the mini bus. We all piled in and of course, as befits a holy pilgrimage, the prayers started. We prayed all the way to Westport, took a good few hours.

The piled out of the bus and started to take their shoes off. FFS we just covered 3-4 hours of the rosary, we can't be that much in need of penance. My job was to of course accompany them and help them along the way in any way possible. So off came the shoes.

We started at the base of the mountain, the first station, by walking around a mound of stones 7 times whilst saying 7 Our Fathers, 7 Hail Marys and 1 creed. I will go straight to heaven after that can I put my shoes back on please. no chance.

Now the mountain is approximately 2500 feet high and to get to the summit is a fecking long walk over stony paths that threaten to rip your feet apart if you were stupid enough to do it with your shoes off. I looked at the motley crew of women who looked as if a walk to the shops would do them in. FML I am in for a busy afternoon.

Who was I kidding the religious fervour in their brains was a drug that spurned them on and when we reached the summit, which took 3 hours, they were like excited school children and I was knackered, wheezing and coughing like an old man.

The second station is near the chapel and the prayer odds are ramped up. Kneel and say: 7 Our Fathers, 7 Hail Marys, 1 Creed, Pray near the chapel for the Pope"s intentions, Walk 15 times around the chapel while saying: 15 Our Fathers, 15 Hail Marys, Walk 7 times around Patrick"s Bed saying: 7 Our Fathers, 7 Hail Marys, 1 Creed. I was on the fast path to salvation..

I was a physical wreck at this point, but we still had the third station to do. This consisted of Walking 7 times around each mound of stones saying: 7 Our Fathers, 7 Hail Marys, 1 Creed and Walking 7 times around the whole enclosure praying. I was now being considered for canonisation.

I had to be assisted down by the fresh as a daisy Senior Citizens of Bodyke and I slept all the way home as the women prayed again for the whole trip. I surprised myself as I really enjoyed the trip and foolishly signed up for the next trip.

Priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 25, 2009, 08:22:51 AM
I am in Enfield North London for another system upgrade and will be fecking busy for the next few days. Apologies in advance if I neglect the blog.

Dan good luck in the Marathon tomorrow I hope to find a window in the day to rail you.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: pables on April 25, 2009, 11:56:02 AM
Hi Ger,

Just a thought that you should maybe consider.........

Have you copyrighted any of these stories, I"m sure people would pay a great deal for the pleasure that these stories provide!

Obviously I would like a free copy of your forthcoming book   :D

Cheers

Ian
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 27, 2009, 15:52:02 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 28, 2009, 17:57:41 PM
START OF RANT

The 2009 nominations for the Turner Prize have been announced.

Roger Hiorns.

He's the man, who, over the course of the year, sealed a disused south London bedsit and filled it with 90,000 litres of liquid copper sulphate and called it his "Cystal Cave" Oh, and he also exhibited a drain with flames escaping. He claims that his work is inspired by the problems of modern social architecture.

Enrico David

Arranges junk on the floor in no apparent order, and draws childish mannequin like things.


Lucy Skaer

Exhibits stuffed dolls and randomly splashed ink blots on walls


Richard Wright

.
Best known for drawing random X's on a wall



Purleeeese, I have said it before and I will say it again, it's not art, end of.

Does that mean that when the wee man barfed all over the hall wall, that instead of cleaning it up, I should have chiselled it out, framed it and sent it to the Tate claiming inspiration from the angst of a troubled teenager in today's throw away society.

They all claim various inspirations for their exhibits (I can't bring myself to say works of art). It is as plain as the nose on your face, their common inspiration is the fooling of normal people, getting money for feck all and claiming that this is art.

However if a short film of Felix the cat and Homer Simpson can win it, maybe I'm the pleb.

I look at this most years in the vain hope that one year a true artist will be nominated, ain't gonna happen.


RANT OVER

Cheers
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 28, 2009, 18:17:58 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: baldaceguy on April 28, 2009, 20:51:44 PM
If that was the Royal Chase just up the road from Chingford station i can fully agree splendid hotel.By the way some of your stories are bloody superb,please keep them coming.Cheers.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on April 28, 2009, 23:14:36 PM

START OF RANT

The 2009 nominations for the Turner Prize have been announced.

Roger Hiorns.

He's the man, who, over the course of the year, sealed a disused south London bedsit and filled it with 90,000 litres of liquid copper sulphate and called it his "Cystal Cave" Oh, and he also exhibited a drain with flames escaping. He claims that his work is inspired by the problems of modern social architecture.

Enrico David

Arranges junk on the floor in no apparent order, and draws childish mannequin like things.


Lucy Skaer

Exhibits stuffed dolls and randomly splashed ink blots on walls


Richard Wright

.
Best known for drawing random X's on a wall



Purleeeese, I have said it before and I will say it again, it's not art, end of.

Does that mean that when the wee man barfed all over the hall wall, that instead of cleaning it up, I should have chiselled it out, framed it and sent it to the Tate claiming inspiration from the angst of a troubled teenager in today's throw away society.

They all claim various inspirations for their exhibits (I can't bring myself to say works of art). It is as plain as the nose on your face, their common inspiration is the fooling of normal people, getting money for feck all and claiming that this is art.

However if a short film of Felix the cat and Homer Simpson can win it, maybe I'm the pleb.

I look at this most years in the vain hope that one year a true artist will be nominated, ain't gonna happen.


RANT OVER

Cheers




                                                      X
                                                    WALL

£million pound please!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 29, 2009, 00:41:31 AM
Wee mans bad beat tonight
(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/bad_beat.JPG)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 29, 2009, 19:11:16 PM
Whenever I get down about my life I think of an occasion in my life where I was treated to a large slice of humility.

I played the IPO in Dublin in October 2007 and was humbled by a player at my table. He was in a wheelchair and could only move his head and the fingers on one hand. He had a minder that sat beside him and this minder would pick up the cards place them on his tray and lift them slowly for the man to see.

He would nod for a call, shake his head for a fold and tap the amount with his fingers for a raise. I had the pleasure of his company for 8 or 9 hours at the table and whatever about the physical disability he had a very sharp poker mind.

Put it all in perspective for me.....
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on April 29, 2009, 19:28:40 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on April 30, 2009, 01:07:47 AM

Whenever I get down about my life I think of an occasion in my life where I was treated to a large slice of humility.

I played the IPO in Dublin in October 2007 and was humbled by a player at my table. He was in a wheelchair and could only move his head and the fingers on one hand. He had a minder that sat beside him and this minder would pick up the cards place them on his tray and lift them slowly for the man to see.

He would nod for a call, shake his head for a fold and tap the amount with his fingers for a raise. I had the pleasure of his company for 8 or 9 hours at the table and whatever about the physical disability he had a very sharp poker mind.

Put it all in perspective for me.....



Sean Jethi was his name.  Well known & respected (feared if he was at your table) player on the Dublin poker scene.  His Dad was usually the "minder" who travelled with him.  Amazing Lad.  Unfortunately he passed away Jan 19, 2008.  RIP
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 30, 2009, 09:51:50 AM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on April 30, 2009, 12:15:52 PM
Out of curiosity - What exactly is Timothy suffering from?  I"ve been with him since "89 and he next to never gets even the slightest of colds.  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on April 30, 2009, 12:30:05 PM
(http://img115.exs.cx/img115/4952/nocom8le.gif)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Jon MW on April 30, 2009, 13:11:08 PM

... What exactly is Timothy suffering from?  ...



(http://img115.exs.cx/img115/4952/nocom8le.gif)


It would just be too easy
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on April 30, 2009, 14:21:24 PM
Watch it!  (http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/whiplash.gif)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on May 01, 2009, 03:31:58 AM
the duke has fallen. Pics to follow on saturday.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on May 01, 2009, 07:44:20 AM
I hope this is slang for "arrived" and he hasn"t been hurt (he"ll be hurt enough when Laxie"s kids take significant pieces of him at the poker table)  :)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 01, 2009, 10:01:02 AM

the duke has fallen. Pics to follow on saturday.


I was resting my eyes FFS
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 01, 2009, 10:43:30 AM
Besides me doing my party trick of falling asleep in a chair, it was great to see Dawn & Timothy again, top people.

Just a wee note about Glenn"s (Bigfella) geogrpahy skills.

We were out side having a cigarette and there was another man outside as well.

"were you at the races today" says the man
"No, we are going tomorrow" says Glenn
"Hope it keeps fine for you I was there today but I gave to go back tomorrow" says the man
"Where are you from" says Glenn
"Russia" says the man
"What part of Ireland is that in" says Glenn

Priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 02, 2009, 10:39:13 AM
Yesterday was a great day at Punchestown, great company, good Guinness, priceless.

More detail when I get more time, but a few observations

Thanks to Leigh who"s incisive tips and advice were invaluable.  :o
Laxie is mad
If it was a one horse race I would back the loser
Laxie is mad
Our taxi driver was superb at electronic comms
Laxie is mad
The Kildare Mafia is not a myth

oh and Laxie is mad

Off to Cork soon, More detail to follow....
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Chipaccrual on May 02, 2009, 11:03:17 AM


Thanks to Leigh who"s incisive tips and advice were invaluable.  :o



My pleasure.   ;D

And if anyone else would like horse racing tips for horses that will be leading with 100 yards to go, yet finish in 2nd place (I think I picked 3), oh and a horse that passed the finishing post first, but had forgotten to bring the jockey along for the ride, then feel free to pm me.   ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on May 02, 2009, 12:37:56 PM
3 big munster fans pile into the car for our rushed journey home so we can catch the munster match in our local pub. Said match is on in dublin. That"s where we just were. We plan well. Not. Sigh. On top of that the lads have taken a wrong turn and we are now lost. Marvelous. Ger is on the phone to england for directions to our house as i type. We run good. Lol
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on May 04, 2009, 19:04:23 PM
So we arrive in Dublin a few hours after Ger and Glenn on the Thursday night.  Don"t ever give Ger a 3 hour head start in a drinking session...he won"t last the pace.

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/Dublin/01052009017.jpg)

Luckily Glenn was still able for a laugh.  That"s Mr. Laxie with him.  I"m behind the camera. 

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/Dublin/01052009015.jpg)

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/Dublin/01052009012.jpg)

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/Dublin/01052009014.jpg)


Off to Punchestown on Friday and we were spoiled rotten for the day.  Cheers Glenn!!!

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/Dublin/01052009021.jpg)

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/Dublin/01052009020.jpg)

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/Dublin/01052009019.jpg)

Don"t ask Leigh for horse tips.  His are still running...........or shot.

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/Dublin/01052009018.jpg)


All in all a great day!!!

The trip back to Knocknagree only took an hour more than it should have in the end.  No help from the phone calls to England and they were convinced my google maps were wrong, so I threw down for a nap and left them at it.  Saturday was tame enough after Munster losing the match, but we more than made up for it on Sunday.  Will let Ger fill you in on the rest. 

Oh yeah.  Denis is NOT gay.

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/Dublin/03052009022.jpg)







Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 04, 2009, 19:08:29 PM
I was resting my eyes I tell you  ::)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 04, 2009, 19:08:55 PM
Just in the door after a great weekend. The racing was a financial disaster, even with Leigh's "expert" help. However the Guinness was superb. The rest of the weekend was a drink fuelled time of excellence, the inmates of the village that is called knocknagree are a great bunch of people. We found out a few things.

The live band in Killarney were miming

Tex never passes 25mph when driving

Woop woop is looking well if a little shaven

The Guinness in Berties is superb

I am getting too old for all day drinking (it'll pass)

Munster got spanked

Tim cooks a mean fry up

Never put rice down the sink

We were not lost, we just took the scenic route

Yanks don't know squat about colours


Oh and Denis is not gay
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on May 04, 2009, 19:27:07 PM
Guess which horse Ger"s money was on..................

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/Dublin/01052009002.jpg)


Hat from Hell............

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/Dublin/01052009004.jpg)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: jacklevel06 on May 04, 2009, 19:34:40 PM

Guess which horse Ger"s money was on..................

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/Dublin/01052009002.jpg)


Hat from Hell............

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/Dublin/01052009004.jpg)
Is that Glen in the photo ,suited and booted ?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on May 04, 2009, 19:38:26 PM
Aye.  It was a proper posh gig, so it was.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Bigfella42 on May 04, 2009, 20:36:46 PM
Yes it was a great few days, but I"m not touching another pint for at least 24 hours!

The "Hat from hell" (see above post) was hilarious. Laxie spotted the lady sat at a table near us. Every time she turned her head to the left, the long feathers on the back of her hat whacked a poor blonde lady sat to her right straight in the face - and you could tell she was getting pretty fed up about it all!!

Great to see you all again and look forward to the next time.

Glass of water FTW
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on May 05, 2009, 12:37:46 PM
Flippin heck Ger!  We almost forgot the one constant from the week-end. 

You are NOT my husband and I am NOT cheating on you with Mr. Laxie. 

Well...I am, but I"m not.  lol
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 05, 2009, 18:12:43 PM
That was so funny, Glenn"s friend must have been biting her tounge all day until she eventually blurted it out. Married to me and flirting with Tim all day -- LOL
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 05, 2009, 19:21:43 PM
While I was in Knocknagree it was brought home to me what I really miss about Ireland. Oh you can have your locals here in England but it is not and never will be the same. The big cities of Ireland have drifted but the country remains essentially the same.

The pub has a tremendous significance in Irish culture, and nowhere more so than in the West of Ireland. The pub is not just considered to be a social outlet but it is seen as a worthwhile pastime especially in places like Cork & Kerry, which makes no apologies for its pub culture and, in fact, thrives on it.

And there"ll be a lot more than drink flowing in the average Irish pub where good conversation, the best of music and the "craic" are the order of the day. It is here that you will find the truest representation of contemporary Irish life as it is embodied in its people, which are, after all, the country"s greatest asset.

The boys taking 5 Euro bets on the colour of top of the next girl in the door and having a good natured argument for the next 2 hours. Then the conversation switches to the fact that Yanks are colour blind,  - priceless.

Homesick rant over
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 06, 2009, 17:50:53 PM
You have probably heard references in this ranting drivel about a certain Margaret Ryan. Now Margaret was a legend in her own lifetime. She was always a fixture around our house. She started in the employ of my Great Aunt Molly a goodly number of years in the distant past. When my mother inherited from Molly, Margaret was in the package.

She ran the post office and did general chores for my great aunt and when we took over the post office and built the shop, she just naturally came with the territory.

She had a caustic tongue and could strip the paint from a door at 50 paces and despite her diminutive size, you didn't mess with Margaret. She scorned all the trappings of the electronic age and did all the post office processes manually, much to the dismay and frustration of the powers that be. She handled all the pensions, dole and farmers AI phone calls (and the "I" did not stand for intelligence).

Her age was a mystery until in the last years of her life she broke her hip and had to tell me on the way to the hospital. She managed the Post Office well past official retirement despite numerous attempts to force her into retirement. This was not helped by the fact that Margaret did not have a birth certificate and was never out of Ireland in her life, so had no need of a Passport etc.

One particular Wednesday, which was half day in the Post Office, an officious looking mad arrived into the shop.

"Good afternoon, my name is Mr O'Sneaky-jobsworth-smarmy-fecker" says he
"And" says the ould lad, in fine form
"I wish to discuss the Post Mistress with you" says greasy man
"And, who the feck are you" says the ould lad
"I am a representative of the post master general" replied tiny man drawing himself to his full height of 5 foot. And flashing his ID

Now the ould lad was a little gruff at the best of times but his treatment of officialdom was legendary.

"Fire away" says the ould lad
"When was Miss Margaret Ryan born" says official jobsworth
"No Idea" says the ould lad
"Roughly" says soppy bollix
"Sorry, I have roughly no idea" says the ould lad
"We believe her to be past retirement age" says smarmy git
"Get away" says the ould lad.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, he got nowhere and my mother was no direct help either and he went away no wiser. This little charade was to be a regular occurrence every year as the wheels of government tried to turf Margaret out of a job.

When the ould lad sold the shop Margaret didn't like the new owners much so she retired of her own accord and working back from the hip incident I calculated that she was 85 years young when she retired (about Tikay's age).

Great woman.

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 07, 2009, 17:38:48 PM
After the debacle with the donkey kicking in the Shiite house door the ould lad decided that we had to have a fully functioning proper flush toilet on the premises. It was decided that he would have one built just outside the back door as there was no room in the house to install one.

He decided to get a handyman to build it and do the plumbing etc and he also decided that because he wasn't prepared to pay a man with a JCB I would dig the septic tank. That was ball breaking work I can tell you.

Anyway the hole was dug and the sides bricked and the top created and the trench dug back to the site of the new toilet. Paddy Welch was selected to build and plumb the toilet.

The previous week we had cleared out the house and placed some furniture and stuff in the out house and my Mother had received a flyer in the door from some people looking to buy old furniture and metalwork etc. There was one particularly large table that we took out of the parlour that we thought might fetch a few bob. So the mother rang them and they said they would be round in the next couple of days to take a look.

Paddy was getting on great and had built and plumbed the toilet and was in the process of building the door from some slats that were in the shed. Bliss a flush toilet at last.

The buyers arrived and we haggled over a few items and my Mother was quite happy with the price received and we then came to the table. Well the man's eyes lit up, it would seem that this was a particularly sought after piece of furniture. They examined it and said.

"Have you got the extension leaves for this Missus?"
"Ah don't know about that" says my Mother
"Pity, as it is, it is worth £200, with the leaves it would have been worth £500" says the man

Anyway my mother was made up with the £200 so they paid up, loaded up and left. The ould lad could not recall the extension leaves either but he was quite calm about the whole thing.

The ould lad then paid off Paddy for the toilet work and declared.

"Right off to christen the toilet"

He went out the back door and into the toilet and of course we walked to the back door to make sure that the device functioned properly. If the truth was told I was hoping it would back up while he was still on it.

He had closed the door and possibly just had time to drop the pants and sit down, when he launched into a tirade of the foulest, most abusive language even by his standards.

We waited until he and all the local animals had calmed down, which was quite a while. He came out of the toilet speechless with anger and pointed at the door.

We had found the extension leaves for the table. Paddy had cut them up and used them as the cross members.

Now whenever the ould lad went to the toilet he would say.

"I'm off to have a fecking £300 shiite"

Priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on May 07, 2009, 18:13:45 PM
Lmaoooo that is priceless!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on May 07, 2009, 19:46:11 PM

So we arrive in Dublin a few hours after Ger and Glenn on the Thursday night.  Don"t ever give Ger a 3 hour head start in a drinking session...he won"t last the pace.

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/Dublin/01052009017.jpg)

Luckily Glenn was still able for a laugh.  That"s Mr. Laxie with him.  I"m behind the camera. 

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/Dublin/01052009015.jpg)

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/Dublin/01052009012.jpg)

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/Dublin/01052009014.jpg)


Off to Punchestown on Friday and we were spoiled rotten for the day.  Cheers Glenn!!!

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/Dublin/01052009021.jpg)

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/Dublin/01052009020.jpg)

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/Dublin/01052009019.jpg)

Don"t ask Leigh for horse tips.  His are still running...........or shot.

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/Dublin/01052009018.jpg)


All in all a great day!!!

The trip back to Knocknagree only took an hour more than it should have in the end.  No help from the phone calls to England and they were convinced my google maps were wrong, so I threw down for a nap and left them at it.  Saturday was tame enough after Munster losing the match, but we more than made up for it on Sunday.  Will let Ger fill you in on the rest. 

Oh yeah.  Denis is NOT gay.

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/Dublin/03052009022.jpg)










Great pics, though never thought I"d see the Duke asleep on the job.  The shame...
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 07, 2009, 19:56:10 PM

Great pics, though never thought I"d see the Duke asleep on the job.  The shame...


Shame my arse -- old age
(http://smilieland.com/graphics/snore.gif)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 09, 2009, 13:15:57 PM
Dawn (Laxie) is climbing a mountain today for a good cause and I understand that it is a good 6 mile walk upwards. This particular mountain has a telecoms mast at the top and when it rains even the 4x4's can't get up there.  As you all know I was gutted that it wasn't last weekend when I was staying down there, however I was generous with my advice this morning.

Anyway like any good organized woman she had her backpack all ready.

Water proof bandages for the inevitable blisters
Knee brace for the inevitable ricked joints
Roll of elasticated tubular bandage for the inevitable muscle strains
Bottle of lubrication for the inevitable cramp
Bottle of Vodka for the inevitable "Feck this for a game"
20 Marlboro Lights for the inevitable lung collapse

GL girl we are all rooting for you  

(http://www.curevents.com/vb/images/smilies/worth.gif)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 09, 2009, 17:00:52 PM
Running very well on stars over the last few days, but as with all good things - it has come to a screaming end today. Whilst revelling in the cashes during the week I even began to believe that I am a good player.

Today proved the luck of my week. One particular hand springs to mind. On the money bubble 4th in chips

Find  qs qh --- shoves it all in the middle called by  ks kh  and feck me also called by  qd qc

Its a lovely game.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on May 09, 2009, 17:54:11 PM
Made it to the top.  Made it down.  Fell on the way down of course.  Pains in places I didn"t know could hurt. 

They"re having some sort of "Thank You" do at the pub for us.  Hot shower and off to the pub to kill the pain.  Will post pics tomorrow.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 09, 2009, 17:56:42 PM
(http://www.v-rodforums.com/forums/images/smilies/notworthy.gif) well done
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on May 09, 2009, 22:14:33 PM
Great job Laxie.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 10, 2009, 18:05:13 PM
Sitting in my conservatory today sipping an NFL and recovering from a night round at my sisters, I mused about the weather (as you do). In Ireland the weather is always "changeable". In that respect Dawn was lucky with the weather for her climb, because it always seems to rain in the scared country

Many visitors to Ireland come from countries where the term "rain" is misunderstood. They foolishly believe that rain is a short lived phenomenon. However that is not rain, that is just a passing shower. Imagine 100 passing showers in sequence, that is rain. Occasionally, there will be a hiccup in the running order, this is called a dry spell.

Looking at a map, you'll spot the Emerald Isle floating between 50 and 60 degrees north latitude. This means it is the same distance from the equator as Moscow. Thanks to the Gulf Stream however Ireland is neither Tahiti nor the North Pole, never an oven, rarely a freezer but always fantastic. 

More NFL required I am going mad
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on May 10, 2009, 18:28:30 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 10, 2009, 18:35:57 PM
Beautiful views -- great climb -- well done to all
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 11, 2009, 17:46:15 PM
I was outside in the garden on Saturday chatting to my good friend and next door neighbour Carl (Shogun) and we got round to discussing the fence between us.

Now this fence has concrete posts and base and the panels are just over a metre high, perfect for leaning on chewing the fat. The wood is in a bit of a state as I can't remember the last time I painted it. As a result most panels are buckled and rotting away.

No problem we will just remove the old ones and slot in some new panels, job done.

We were discussing other things and generally putting the world to rights when I commented.

"Bit cold for a BBQ" says I smelling the unmistakable smell of wood smoke.
"Aye" says Carl

I then noticed that my right leg was getting a tad warm. I looked down and saw that I had discarded a cigarette and the fecking fence was on fire.

I had to rush in and get a jug of water to douse the fecking fence missing the wee man by inches..

Priceless

n.b. Talking of chucking water ask Laxie about last weekend when Mr Laxie drowned her with a pint of water and claimed he was trying to get the cat.


Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on May 11, 2009, 18:25:16 PM
Well done Laxie. Great pics; not the ones of you and your sweaty pals, the views pics.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 11, 2009, 18:52:04 PM
Well last night in the APAT Central league was most enjoyable, excellent game and lovely company. Went a little low from the start when forced to fold to perceived better hands, whether they were ahead or not is debatable.

Hit a purple patch after grinding for a while and had a black eye from the cards hitting me in the face. Stayed steady and won the races (Sorry Kin) and the final table was a delight to play at especially with George on my right. Awesome player that man. When we were down to three the play was very educational - well to me anyway.

HU I hit the hand at the right time and lucked the win..

anyway it"s nice to participate - nice to sit with like minded people and of course nice to win  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on May 11, 2009, 18:55:00 PM
Very well done last night Ger!  

And don"t get me started on the husband, the cat and the pint.  FFS.  Couldn"t make it up.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on May 11, 2009, 18:58:48 PM
Big congrats on the win Ger, WD.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: George2Loose on May 12, 2009, 00:26:14 AM
Ger u played great last night. Dunno if you had the cards but u kept re raising me and I should have slowed down a bit to react to your play.

Glad you went on to win it. That J on the river hurt tho >:(
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 12, 2009, 18:01:40 PM
Well, we all had to sit quiet when 6/7 handed when any kind of raise was greeted with an all in response. When we got to 4/3 handed the play was a lot better. And yes, when i re raised you I had what I considered a good hand (no jokes about what I consider a good hand  ;D )

The river J was a killer - you had  8 8 against my KQ spades if I recall and it was a bit of a hero call to your all in, did I have twice as many chips as you at the time ?.

Anyway I got lucky, but as always it was a pleasure to play against you.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: George2Loose on May 12, 2009, 18:42:02 PM

Well, we all had to sit quiet when 6/7 handed when any kind of raise was greeted with an all in response. When we got to 4/3 handed the play was a lot better. And yes, when i re raised you I had what I considered a good hand (no jokes about what I consider a good hand  ;D )

The river J was a killer - you had  8 8 against my KQ spades if I recall and it was a bit of a hero call to your all in, did I have twice as many chips as you at the time ?.

Anyway I got lucky, but as always it was a pleasure to play against you.


Nah 3 handed against me I"d say that"s a call and not really lucky- twas a flip- think you had about 60k at start of hand to my 37k

Big hand for me was the 19hh a few hands before.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 12, 2009, 18:57:18 PM
Aye when he turned the s8 to your flush draw and you drew a blank (even an 8 on the river would have beat him) vul
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 12, 2009, 19:05:07 PM
10,000 views

I have enthused long and at length about this wonderful forum, so I won't bore you.

However I am gobsmacked that this humble drivel gets read.

Thank you, I am indeed honoured

Ger
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on May 12, 2009, 19:48:03 PM
Congrats on your Central win Ger and on hitting 10,000 views.  Obviously the punishment is getting your mug on the home page  :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on May 12, 2009, 20:06:30 PM
Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Good enough for ya Ger!   ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 12, 2009, 20:20:42 PM
You"re bluffing
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Chipaccrual on May 12, 2009, 20:21:56 PM

You"re bluffing


I very much doubt it.   ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on May 12, 2009, 20:26:46 PM

You"re bluffing


Yep....I mean nope.

http://www.apat.com


Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 12, 2009, 20:36:18 PM

You"re bluffing


Ah ok -- not my best side

Oil of Ulay required for the bags me thinks
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Swinebag on May 12, 2009, 21:59:54 PM
nice one Des. Keep the U18s away by frightening them to death
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 13, 2009, 17:50:04 PM
Now Margaret Ryan was a simple soul, who practically never left the village her whole life. When asked she would shrug and say "why?". There was no answer to that.

She was slight of build, but boy, could she eat. Her meals were of the simple kind meat, veg and loads of potatoes. When she sat down to eat the sparks would fly off the cutlery and steam would rise from the plate as fork to mouth was at the speed of light.

If you mentioned curries or pasta she would look you in the eye.

"Don't eat that foreign rubbish" she would spit

We were visiting my mother one summer and Gabrielle announced that she would cook a family meal and we of course invited Margaret to join us. Gabrielle was in the kitchen preparing and we were all in the parlour having a chat and the conversation turned to Margaret's dislike of any sort of sauce or condiment other that the base salt & pepper.

"So, you don't like garlic" says Marie
"Hate it" says Margaret

Bugger, I excused myself and went to the Kitchen.

"Gabrielle, what's for dinner" says I
"Chicken breast parcels baked in the oven" says she
"In what" says I
"Homemade garlic butter, why?" says she
"No reason" says I

This should be good then. The dinner was served and the chicken was dripping in garlic you could smell it a mile away. Margaret lifted the knife and fork and proceeded to devour the dinner in her usual fashion.

We waited for the inevitable grimace and were surprised when it was not forthcoming.

"Lovely dinner maam" says she
"Thank you" says Gabrielle
"So Margaret, would you ever even try a bit of garlic" says I

Well Margaret's forehead was beginning to get the sheen of the garlic as she replied.

"Never, it ruins the food" says she
"Have you ever tried it" says I
"No, and I have no intention of it" says she

Before Marie or Ger could open their mouth's I gave them  a swift kick and a shake of the head, because they were laughing fit to bust and were about to spill the beans.

"Aye it's overrated" says I

"You fecking eejit Margaret, you've just eaten loads of it" says My Mother
"That wasn't Garlic, that was chicken" Margaret smugly replied

Gotta love her -- Priceless  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 14, 2009, 17:35:37 PM
When Margaret broke her hip the children found her on the floor in her part of the house, of course at the time we didn't know it was broke. I rang for the doctor and he was not at home but his wife said to bring Margaret up to Feakle as he would be home soon.

God love her she must have been in pain and she didn't complain. I drove up to Feakle and left Margaret in the car while I went in for the Doctor. The Doctor was waiting for me.

"She's in the car Doctor" says I
"Let's take a look then" says he

We went out to the car and he did a bit of prodding and summoned me back inside.

"She has broken her hip" says he
"Oh" says I
"Take her straight to the hospital" says he "Limerick would be better"
"Sound" says I
"That'll be £20" says he

No NHS in Ireland but I think Margaret had a medical card but that wasn't the point. I had driven a woman 6 miles with a broken hip on his wife's advice and I was now having to drive her 26 miles to Limerick general. However being the nice polite respecter of the Medical profession I said.

"You can go and feck yourself you money grabbing bar steward" and I left

The fecking cheek

More on Margaret in the hospital and various nursing homes later...
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 14, 2009, 18:39:22 PM
Eurovision entry for Ireland in Tonights Semi Final

Well its a little better than Dustin the fecking Turkey  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqVohtaYLeA[/youtube]
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on May 14, 2009, 19:07:24 PM
What genius came up with the song title?   ::)  It"s so crap it"ll prolly go on to score mega points at the week-end.  Sigh.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 15, 2009, 17:50:01 PM
When I arrived at Limerick Hospital with Margaret, I pulled up in from of the main entrance and got out with the intention of getting some assistance.

"You can't park here" says a peaked hat jobsworth

I brushed past him replying something about his parentage and went inside.

"I'll have it towed" he roared after me

I went to the front desk and explained the situation and was told to bring her in.

"She's broken her hip" says I
"Bring her in to the triage nurse" says face ache
"She's broken her hip" was my dogged reply
"We'll take a look when you bring her in" says face ache
"What part of broken hip do you not understand" says I a little loudly

Anyway it was like getting a dog off a fecking bone as she was not giving in. So I grabbed one of those large wheely chair things and went back to the car.

"I'll have it towed" says Jobsworth
"Well, before you do give me a hand to take this woman with a broken hip out of the car"

He assisted me in gingerly moving Margaret from the car to the chair and I started to wheel her in.

"I'll still have it towed" he muttered

When we got inside and it was confirmed that she did indeed have a broken hip, they transferred her to a trolley in the corridor. I quickly said that I must move the car and ran outside.

"I'll have it towed"

Sigh, I got into the car and moved it to the main car park and walked back to the entrance.

"I would have had it towed" says misery guts

OMG, I resisted a retort and went inside. Margaret was still in the corridor. I knew they were busy so I didn't think too much into it. God bless her she was just lying there not complaining. After at least 4 hours of waiting, when lesser injuries seemed to take precedence because the patient was complaining long and hard, and asking politely about when she would be seen wasn't working , I decided direct action would have to be employed.

"Hang in there Margaret I will get a Doctor" says I
"Don't bother them" says she.bless (she came from the generation where Doctors and Priests were godlike figures)

I marched up to the nursing station and got extremely loud and extremely angry and would not budge until a Doctor was summoned. I was not for moving and they eventually caved in and a Doctor arrived.

They wheeled her off to x-ray and after the x-ray she was immediately placed on a ward. Now I know they are always busy but their priority seemed to be with those who shouted the longest and loudest. I just played the game.

They were not going to allow me onto the ward, but saw the error of their ways and condescended to let me stay for 30 minutes.

That was the start of a long and difficult journey for Margaret .. more later
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 15, 2009, 17:53:03 PM
Oh and the Eurovision is fixed - that"s all
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on May 15, 2009, 17:54:33 PM

Oh and the Eurovision is fixed - that"s all


You can sing that!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 15, 2009, 18:12:52 PM
Anyway myself and the wee man are off to DTD tomorrow night for a blast at the £50. Bigfella and his nephew are there tonight and tomorrow. We can"t make tonight (well at least I can"t) but we are heading down after lunch tomorrow.

Should be good, will try and keep the brain moving and post about it over the weekend. Don"t hold your breath about the brain bit.

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 16, 2009, 13:22:37 PM
When Margaret was moved from Limerick to Raheen hospital you kinda knew that it was the beginning of the end. They never said as much, but Raheen is a hospice really and people sent there at her age didn't usually make it out.

Myself and the wee man went to see her when she was there and she was chipper enough and we were having a grand chat. Her ward was full of "senior" patients and do you know what it's great to talk to them. Despite their ailments they are great people to talk to, their outlook and stoicism is a lesson to us all.

In the bed next to Margaret there was a woman curled under the blankets fast asleep for the whole time we were there. Until dinner time that was. The dinner came round and we were going to leave but Margaret wanted us to stay. She tucked into the meager fayre, at least her appetite hadn't suffered.

Anyway the lady in the next bed came to life, she sat up, her hair all awry and proceeded to demolish the contents of the plate very, very, loudly. God could she eat. She looked like she had come down the mountain for the first time. It looked to all the world like she was from a different planet. All the time she was eating her wild eyes would scour the room defying anyone to come near her. She ate as if someone would come along and steal it from her if she let down her guard.

She finished, washed it down with a slug of water, belched loudly, dropped the greatest fart I have ever heard, rolled over and was asleep immediately.

"Who the hell is that?" I whispered to Margaret  
"It's your cousin" she grinned (She was my Father's first cousin as it turned out)

FML -- priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 17, 2009, 13:40:02 PM
Back from an enjoyable night at DTD, I ran pretty average for a while, but a couple of good solid clashes where I luckily won big pots helped me to the final table. Glenn also made it to the FT (well after the young lads performance the older genertion had to put up some kind of  fight)

Finished 8th when I shoved with my Poket pair and was called by AJ. Obligatory J on the river sent me to the rail. Glenn followed a little while later when his 10 10 shove was called by A 10 and the A hit of course.


Good night, great company, priceless

n.b. I hid my delight at lasting longer than the wee man for the first time live............
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on May 17, 2009, 14:21:50 PM
Hid your delight?!  My phone rang at 2:41am met by a delighted giggling Ger on the other end.  I somehow doubt you hid your delight!  LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL  Ah well, suppose you were bound to final table at some point.   ;D  Well done!   :-*
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 18, 2009, 18:36:22 PM
Margaret bucked all the odds and survived a lot longer than anyone expected, so much so she was moved to a private Nursing Home in Killaloe. Now this was a fee paying home and as Margaret had a bit of cash they were charging her an arm and a leg for the privilege.

This state of affairs would of course deplete any savings the poor woman had, but there was feck all we could do about it. Anyway because she was paying you would think that the standard of care would be the best you could expect.

Myself and Gabrielle went to see her and were impressed with the overall look of the place. Lovely grounds, plush entrance foyer and friendly front desk staff. When we reached Margaret's room it was a different story however.

Her sheets were soiled and her eyelids were closed and she said she couldn't open them.

"Do they do anything for that" says I
"They tape them open sometimes and that's nice" says she
"Ger, don't do anything silly" says Gabrielle
"Ger!"
"Ger!"

Too late I was off down the corridor, I found a white coat walking towards me.

"You, who's in charge" says I
"I am the deputy administrator" says he backing off a couple of steps
"You'll do, come with me" I said

He followed meekly behind and we entered Margaret's room.

"Do you know this patient" says I
"Yes" says he
"She's a full fee paying patient is she not" says I
"Yes" squeaked he

"Then one, I want those sheets changed now and everyday" says I
"OK" says he
"Two, I want a nurse to tape her eyes open when she requests it" says I
"OK" says he
"Three, I want her checked very regularly everyday and her wishes catered for" says I
"OK" says he
"Now the Fourth Protocol in the corridor please" says I

Well in the corridor I let fly, I was spitting fire I was that angry. I did my whole Arnie bit about how I would be back and I threatened him with swift and painful actions if he did not take good care of Margaret. He spluttered an apology and promised to see to it.

Before we left a cast of thousands descended on the room and did all that was requested.

It makes my blood boil when elderly patients are left alone, primarily because they do not complain. They deserve a better duty of care.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on May 18, 2009, 19:57:26 PM
Wholeheartedly agree Ger.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on May 18, 2009, 20:14:20 PM
I want you in my next negotiation with Blue Square.  They occasionally require their eyes to be taped open also.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 19, 2009, 21:31:13 PM
Duke is 5th of 30 in a wee $10 180 --- wish me luck
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on May 19, 2009, 21:51:11 PM
GLGLGL! Railing you now.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: janc on May 19, 2009, 22:08:05 PM

GLGLGL! Railing you now.

me2 gl
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 19, 2009, 22:26:38 PM
memo to self -- CALM DOWN
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: janc on May 19, 2009, 22:35:13 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on May 19, 2009, 23:00:44 PM
Just woke from a nap.  On the way!!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: janc on May 19, 2009, 23:12:37 PM
 jd 9s for the win eh
lol
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on May 19, 2009, 23:13:09 PM

jd 9s
lol



Forget lol, weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: janc on May 19, 2009, 23:22:47 PM
ul
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 19, 2009, 23:25:34 PM
ooops 7 handed lost to a A with pp- with A on the river - never mind 6th
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on May 19, 2009, 23:27:39 PM
WP to get as far as 6th. I know the junk u were raising with ... :)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 19, 2009, 23:28:34 PM
hey -- standard
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on May 19, 2009, 23:33:41 PM
VUL  Pretty sure you and I are only good for boks to each other.  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on May 19, 2009, 23:34:58 PM
You did gr8 hun vwp!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 21, 2009, 00:47:36 AM
running hot at the moment -- just won a $10 27 runner -- ok I know its not life changing -- but watch out in dublin -- Dukes coming to get ya
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on May 21, 2009, 08:00:55 AM
N1 Your Dukeness.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on May 21, 2009, 08:17:28 AM
WD Ger :)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on May 21, 2009, 09:41:01 AM
Standard.  Expect nothing less.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 21, 2009, 17:10:34 PM
The thing is I have radically changed the way I play on line now -- like my live play, I used to be passive, meek and demure. No more, there is a new Duke on the scene  ::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 21, 2009, 22:19:53 PM
Another long weekend in prospect - depot 4 of 5 going live on the upgraded system. If I neglect the forum forgive me. If I have time I will try to get to the BSQ game on Sunday.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 24, 2009, 05:49:40 AM
Now I am a man who needs my bit of comfort. So it was with a little bit of trepidation when the wee man mooted the point about camping one summer. I don't know how the conversation cam about, but hey ho it did.

So I did the research and found a nice site in Devon with hookup and all the niceties of camp life. I set about sourcing the equipment and, bloody hell, it's an expensive lark to set up. However, I thought after the initial costs it wouldn't be too bad for future trips.

If the lad wanted to do this I would, like a good parent, accommodate him and who knows I might like it. Anyway we chose a tent and the equipment and I was about to press the internet button to purchase when I turned to Ger.

"Be good this" says I
"Yeah" says he

Well the yeah was a little muted so..

"You want to do this don't you" says I
"Do you" says he
"You don't do you" says I
"You do though" says he
"Only if you do" says I
"Ah" says he
"Not really keen are you" says I
"Um" says he
"Talk to me" says I
"Err" says he
"Good job I didn't buy anything" says I
"Eh" says he
"Let's go to Rome for the week instead, and stay in a hotel" says I
"Oh yeah" says he perking up
"Next time say what you feel" says I
"I thought you wanted to go camping" says he
"Feck off" says I
"Good" says he

communication with a teenager -- priceless




Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on May 24, 2009, 05:53:20 AM
LMAO thats funny, thank goodness you hadnt hit the button to book it!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on May 24, 2009, 09:37:34 AM
LOL indeed! You should"ve known that with no electrical sockets / XBOX in a tent it was a no-go straight away.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 25, 2009, 22:17:29 PM
On poker stars tonight - how many times do I have to run into AA, it was (to date) 4 times so far -- sigh -- keep plugging

edit: that"s it 5 times is one time too many -- now officially giving up -- bye bye
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 27, 2009, 19:11:14 PM
It's off to Dublin on Friday for another round of APAT madness. It will be great to meet up with all the guys/gals and have what is always one hell of a weekend. I have of course been preparing for this weekend and the checklist is complete.

[  ] Will stay sober
[  ] Will go deep
[  ] Will play as tight as a Duck's Arse
[X] Will have a great time
[X] Will meet up with a great bunch of people
[X] Will get outdrawn when ahead
[  ] I don't care that you have outs or odds -- leave me alone  ;D

Priceless

So looking forward to it and so is the wee man and I promise I will be gutted if I last longer than him  ::)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on May 27, 2009, 19:15:05 PM
Have a gr8 time, sorry I can"t be there this year, look forward to hearing your report on your return.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on May 27, 2009, 22:36:03 PM

Have a gr8 time, sorry I can"t be there this year, look forward to hearing your report on your return.


+1
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: janc on May 27, 2009, 22:52:09 PM


Have a gr8 time, sorry I can"t be there this year, look forward to hearing your report on your return.


+1

+1 more
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 28, 2009, 17:52:33 PM
Continuing the camping theme, in the early 70's I used to have a tent and sleeping bag permanently in the boot for use at weekends and suchlike to go to festivals or just on the piss.

I passed on burners and suchlike as I would eat out. In all honesty eating on the weekends away was going to be a haphazard thing anyway. One particular weekend myself and Richie Maloney headed for Achill Island. We arrived latish on Friday night and secured a patch of grass belonging to the owner of one of the pubs we went into.

As is normal on the West coast of Ireland it rained on Friday night but we were in good spirits, two pints and a game of pool for £1 might have had something to do with that.

Anyway on Saturday it lashed it down all day. We didn't really care as we were in the pub for the whole day and had great craic. We retired at some hour of the morning intent of sleeping it off and heading for home on the Sunday.

That night was a belter, the rain was incessant and the wind began to pick up as we settled down in our sleeping bags. Now numerous pints of the foaming brew are a great remedy for insomnia as we were out like a light in seconds.

I woke up at some hour of the morning and I felt a wet sensation on my exposed head. I opened my eyes cautiously and all I could see was a translucent bit of canvas inches from my face. I went to sit up and found that the frigging tent had collapsed and was lying flat upon us.

I tried to get out of the sleeping bag but the tent was like a straight jacket and the more I struggled the more entangled I got. I tried to kick Richie awake but it isn't easy to do that in a sleeping bag.

I twisted around and located the zip on the opening and managed to open it enough to crawl out like a fecking caterpillar. It was still lashing it down and as I was already drenched it didn't matter too much. I went to the car and dressed with difficulty into dry clothes before I decided to wake Richie.

As I put on my coat and was trudging back to the car I noticed him struggling in the tent. It was a howl. I left him for a while before deciding to go to his assistance. He extricated himself from the sopping canvas and trudged to the car to get into some dry clothes.

He walked back to me and we looked at each other, then looked at the tent, then back to each other and if as by some tacit agreement we walked to the car and began the journey home leaving the tent and any enthusiasm for camping back in that field.

Never been camping since

Priceless.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 29, 2009, 08:51:10 AM
Right i"m awake and about to set off and I am really looking forward to this -- will bring the lappy and try to keep people up to date on the social side of this trip.

n.b. I hate ironing
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on May 29, 2009, 09:23:56 AM
Have fun!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: AMRN on May 29, 2009, 11:42:46 AM

n.b. I hate ironing


????? wassat???
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on May 30, 2009, 09:46:41 AM
Already I have been escorted off a boat, outdrawn by J 4 and listened to Paul mac calling the taxi driver a nasty name.

All will be revealed when I sober up...
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on May 30, 2009, 09:49:46 AM
LOL I look forward to it..heard you were enjoying yourself immensely tho! hehe
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 01, 2009, 21:06:57 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Honeybadg on June 01, 2009, 23:55:28 PM

Continuing the camping theme, in the early 70's I used to have a tent and sleeping bag permanently in the boot for use at weekends and suchlike to go to festivals or just on the piss.

I passed on burners and suchlike as I would eat out. In all honesty eating on the weekends away was going to be a haphazard thing anyway. One particular weekend myself and Richie Maloney headed for Achill Island. We arrived latish on Friday night and secured a patch of grass belonging to the owner of one of the pubs we went into.

As is normal on the West coast of Ireland it rained on Friday night but we were in good spirits, two pints and a game of pool for £1 might have had something to do with that.

Anyway on Saturday it lashed it down all day. We didn't really care as we were in the pub for the whole day and had great craic. We retired at some hour of the morning intent of sleeping it off and heading for home on the Sunday.

That night was a belter, the rain was incessant and the wind began to pick up as we settled down in our sleeping bags. Now numerous pints of the foaming brew are a great remedy for insomnia as we were out like a light in seconds.

I woke up at some hour of the morning and I felt a wet sensation on my exposed head. I opened my eyes cautiously and all I could see was a translucent bit of canvas inches from my face. I went to sit up and found that the frigging tent had collapsed and was lying flat upon us.

I tried to get out of the sleeping bag but the tent was like a straight jacket and the more I struggled the more entangled I got. I tried to kick Richie awake but it isn't easy to do that in a sleeping bag.

I twisted around and located the zip on the opening and managed to open it enough to crawl out like a fecking caterpillar. It was still lashing it down and as I was already drenched it didn't matter too much. I went to the car and dressed with difficulty into dry clothes before I decided to wake Richie.

As I put on my coat and was trudging back to the car I noticed him struggling in the tent. It was a howl. I left him for a while before deciding to go to his assistance. He extricated himself from the sopping canvas and trudged to the car to get into some dry clothes.

He walked back to me and we looked at each other, then looked at the tent, then back to each other and if as by some tacit agreement we walked to the car and began the journey home leaving the tent and any enthusiasm for camping back in that field.

Never been camping since

Priceless.



I don"t know you ... but this is a great image ... a message for non-campers across the globe to re-affirm.

Bravo.

Louis
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on June 02, 2009, 01:18:39 AM
I am STILL gobsmacked that Laxie had to drag ANY of ye to said nightclub.  In all fairness.  Amateurs the lot of ya!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 02, 2009, 12:27:10 PM
Well the taxi ride has not really passed the censors - in that it was so politically incorrect I was typing - backspacing - typing - rinse and repeat for ages I will get to it however the bones of it are

Paul has found a soul mate for life
Paul gives great head massage on the move
The taxi drivers real name was James - Paul gave him another
My son is scarred for life
It was a priceless 20 minutes

I will flesh it out later
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on June 02, 2009, 12:56:07 PM
The taxi story is a shocker initially, but turns into a good one...if given ALL the facts.  lol  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 02, 2009, 13:06:48 PM
the facts are still with the fecking censor..... anyway we continue

Dawn has possibly (with the exception of her husband) the worst sense of direction in the world. She sets off from Cork to get to Dublin for the comp on the Friday. Now getting to the red cow roundabout was ok but from there on in it was a tad of a struggle.

Got directions from a man whom she couldn't understand. You know the type. "If you pass this landmark you have gone too far"

Made numerous phone calls

Ran red lights

Eventually persuaded a taxi driver to drive in front of her in order to get to the hotel. On the way he and she carved up two busses, three cyclists, one old lady and a arthritic dog.

She then got the wee man to travel with her from the hotel to the car park where she reversed into an alley that was just wide enough for a cat with large whiskers. Ger said he had his eyes closed the whole time.

Priceless  

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 02, 2009, 13:26:47 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: jacklevel06 on June 02, 2009, 18:35:01 PM

I am STILL gobsmacked that Laxie had to drag ANY of ye to said nightclub.  In all fairness.  Amateurs the lot of ya!
Compared to you Dawn i totally agree.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 02, 2009, 18:47:37 PM


I am STILL gobsmacked that Laxie had to drag ANY of ye to said nightclub.  In all fairness.  Amateurs the lot of ya!
Compared to you Dawn i totally agree.


Posting at 6.30 on your birthday -- shame on you
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: KarmaDope on June 02, 2009, 19:32:50 PM
Posting coherently on said birthday as well - even bigger shame on you Micky!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: jacklevel06 on June 02, 2009, 20:25:00 PM

Posting coherently on said birthday as well - even bigger shame on you Micky!
Its the first time i"ve been coherent since Thursday. Got in with a bad crowd in Dublin. As Ger would say PRICELESS
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 04, 2009, 18:11:11 PM
Yesterday we went on a team build treasure hunt FFS. Anyway, afterwards,  it involved free food and drinks and involved me getting a taxi from Chester to home.

I was talking to the taxi driver and he informed me that he was after doing a "speed awareness" course. He had been caught for speeding and instead of the points he took the course.

"The teach you space awareness, you know not tunnel vision" says he
"oh aye" says I
"oh yes it was very enlightening, there are even plans to put cameras in the cat's eyes" says he
"right" says I
"Oh yes it was an eye opener all right, I watch my speed now" says he

We then passed one of those warning signs that flash "Slow Down" and show the speed limit.

I looked at his speedo and it showed 75mph, we were in a 50

priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 04, 2009, 18:39:47 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 04, 2009, 18:51:47 PM
The guide to successful Horse racing

Over the weekend we had a good run with the horses (Which is just as well our poker sucked).

[  ] We studied form
[  ] We followed a successful stable
[  ] We followed a successful Jockey
[  ] We had a tip
[X] We lumped on number 6 everytime

For everything else there is a cure
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 05, 2009, 18:50:11 PM
The wee man is ie middle of his A levels at the mo and a couple of the subjects he is doing are:

Philosophy & Ethics
Psychology (could come in handy at the table)

WTF I was helping him to revise last night and it was Philosophy, Jesus they were all nutters Freud/Jong all of em. Anyway he popped up the old chestnut

You are standing at a railway switch as an oncoming train rapidly approaches from the left. Just beyond you is a fork in the track. Five innocent people, unaware of the train, are standing on the left fork. One innocent man is standing on the right. If you do nothing, the train will veer to the left and kill the five people. If you throw the switch, the train will veer to the right and kill the man. What should you do?

WTF -  Anyway some other nutter says, in one of his books, that only I exist WTF

so it"s easy they don"t exist so feck em

My head hurts
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on June 05, 2009, 20:47:49 PM
If 6 people are stood in front of a rapidly approaching train, they obviously know what they"re doing.  Surely there"s a pub where you can grab a pint while they get on with their lunacy.  No need to stress yerself. 

Oh yeah.  Good luck to the wee man with his exams.   :)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on June 06, 2009, 12:11:08 PM

The wee man is ie middle of his A levels at the mo and a couple of the subjects he is doing are:

Philosophy & Ethics
Psychology (could come in handy at the table)

WTF I was helping him to revise last night and it was Philosophy, Jesus they were all nutters Freud/Jong all of em. Anyway he popped up the old chestnut

You are standing at a railway switch as an oncoming train rapidly approaches from the left. Just beyond you is a fork in the track. Five innocent people, unaware of the train, are standing on the left fork. One innocent man is standing on the right. If you do nothing, the train will veer to the left and kill the five people. If you throw the switch, the train will veer to the right and kill the man. What should you do?

WTF -  Anyway some other nutter says, in one of his books, that only I exist WTF

so it"s easy they don"t exist so feck em

My head hurts


Do nothing  - Fate is a wonderful thing
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Honeybadg on June 06, 2009, 12:24:53 PM

The wee man is ie middle of his A levels at the mo and a couple of the subjects he is doing are:

Philosophy & Ethics
Psychology (could come in handy at the table)

WTF I was helping him to revise last night and it was Philosophy, Jesus they were all nutters Freud/Jong all of em. Anyway he popped up the old chestnut

You are standing at a railway switch as an oncoming train rapidly approaches from the left. Just beyond you is a fork in the track. Five innocent people, unaware of the train, are standing on the left fork. One innocent man is standing on the right. If you do nothing, the train will veer to the left and kill the five people. If you throw the switch, the train will veer to the right and kill the man. What should you do?

WTF -  Anyway some other nutter says, in one of his books, that only I exist WTF

so it"s easy they don"t exist so feck em

My head hurts


I am loving that question ...

... defo leave the switch well alone ...

L
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 06, 2009, 19:26:35 PM
Right ho, The wee man, me and Carl are off to the G in Machester for the £25+£25

Will let you know how we get on  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 07, 2009, 04:16:28 AM
Just back in quick recap

I had to fecking deal for a long while
I shoved twice in quick succession with A9 ended 13th
Ger & Carl chopped 5 way for £440 each
I had 50% of Ger (result)
I won £120 on BlackJack

So a good night was had by all

Good Night
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on June 07, 2009, 11:33:38 AM
Well done Lads!!!   :D


Today is THE day.  Cork Vs. Kerry @ 2pm.  Come ooooooooooooooooon CORK!!!  

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/cork_crest.jpg)

Please God, let Cork win.  Amen.

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 07, 2009, 13:12:46 PM

Well done Lads!!!   :D


Today is THE day.  Cork Vs. Kerry @ 2pm.  Come ooooooooooooooooon CORK!!!  

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/cork_crest.jpg)

Please God, let Cork win.  Amen.




[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-i8ljrcu8w[/youtube]
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 07, 2009, 15:27:01 PM
a bit more detail about last night

Really proud of the way the wee man is shaping up to be a very good player. He was patient when he had to be and ruthless when required. He was not intimidated at all by the antics and speechplay and well deserved his final table position, and subsequently the 5 way chop.

Carl is on fire at the moment and also played a very good turney game to also final table and be involved in the chop.

Me - I started with 5k and at the end of the rebuy I still had 5k - so I added on. I built that up to about 22k with a combination of luck and patience. I then had to take over the dealing duties and that really fecks up you game I believe. With the blinds at 1.5/3k and the table short handed I shoved the smaller stacked BB with A9 and he woke up with QQ. Two hands later I shoved again low stacked myself, again with A9 and ran into KK and left 13th.

Good night tho as I picked up £130 profit at blackjack.

Another funny incident  was at another table when the Game gets stopped on all tables for a camera playback. Self dealt dealer on other table has done a stupid thing....!!!! A hand was paid out to the proper winner....  The daft dealer whilst shoving the pot towards the winner also shoved his whole stack as well to the same person.!!!!

The dealer - none other than Asa Mcgrath our very own amcgrath1uk

priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Honeybadg on June 07, 2009, 15:41:33 PM
Self dealt games are such a nightmare ... good to get some comedy out of it!

L
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 08, 2009, 18:47:28 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 08, 2009, 21:50:36 PM
I am having to type this one up in word because it still upsets me. Nellie"s feet were legendary and I had the misfortune to be the only one in the past that she would trust --- be careful this one contains strong language and scenes of an expicit nature.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Swinebag on June 08, 2009, 22:27:13 PM
Keeping the audience waiting with bated breath.....genius
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Honeybadg on June 08, 2009, 23:25:53 PM
... a real cliff hanger ...

L
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 09, 2009, 00:02:57 AM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Honeybadg on June 09, 2009, 00:10:16 AM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 09, 2009, 17:53:16 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on June 09, 2009, 18:10:39 PM
!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Honeybadg on June 09, 2009, 18:11:23 PM
I like the use of Emery Paper!

L
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on June 09, 2009, 23:13:55 PM
We want more (I think)! C"mon Ger!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on June 10, 2009, 08:38:15 AM
No! No more, no more...please :)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 10, 2009, 16:08:27 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Logie66 on June 10, 2009, 16:12:01 PM
Superb, has brightened up my day at work reading this Ger  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: technolog on June 11, 2009, 12:34:20 PM
But you did though, eventually, yes?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 12, 2009, 18:23:51 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 12, 2009, 20:05:18 PM
HALLELUJAH (SORT OF)

Oh Des Duffy you are the man
You"ve done things that no other can
You bought three drinks, but surely that""ll do ya?
That"ll do ya, that"ll do ya, that"ll do ya, that"ll do-oo-oo ya.

Hey Leigh Wiltshire
We"re all so glad that you ran
To a few shoot outs and a pair of Jimmy Choo-sa
Jimmy Choo-sa, Jimmy Choo-sa, Jimmy Choo-sa, Jimmy Choo-oo-oo sa.

Neil Dawson you"re ace
You might not have won every race
Still, nice to know Chipaccrual is a loser
Is a loser, is a loser, is a loser, is a lo-oo-oo-ser.

Kinboshi take a bow
The things you did made us go wow!
The ladies loved you "cos you"re such a schmoozer
Such a schmoozer, such a schmoozer, such a schmoozer, such a schmoo-oo-oo-zer.

So join me as we sing this song
A year when APATs could do no wrong
A very hot and happy Summer to ya
Summer to ya, Summer to ya, Summer to ya, Summer to-oo-oo ya
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on June 12, 2009, 20:24:32 PM
 ::)

I"m almost speechless.

Oh, I"ve posted here, I"ve hit him up on WLM and I plan to call him later to discuss this post. ;)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Honeybadg on June 12, 2009, 22:21:49 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Honeybadg on June 12, 2009, 22:22:51 PM

HALLELUJAH (SORT OF)

Oh Des Duffy you are the man
You"ve done things that no other can
You bought three drinks, but surely that""ll do ya?
That"ll do ya, that"ll do ya, that"ll do ya, that"ll do-oo-oo ya.

Hey Leigh Wiltshire
We"re all so glad that you ran
To a few shoot outs and a pair of Jimmy Choo-sa
Jimmy Choo-sa, Jimmy Choo-sa, Jimmy Choo-sa, Jimmy Choo-oo-oo sa.

Neil Dawson you"re ace
You might not have won every race
Still, nice to know Chipaccrual is a loser
Is a loser, is a loser, is a loser, is a lo-oo-oo-ser.

Kinboshi take a bow
The things you did made us go wow!
The ladies loved you "cos you"re such a schmoozer
Such a schmoozer, such a schmoozer, such a schmoozer, such a schmoo-oo-oo-zer.

So join me as we sing this song
A year when APATs could do no wrong
A very hot and happy Summer to ya
Summer to ya, Summer to ya, Summer to ya, Summer to-oo-oo ya



Were you singing this in the bath ... as you warmed the emery paper?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 12, 2009, 22:32:05 PM
got bored and am playing a basement $8 90 player - after two hours I will never get back I am 8/28 -- it"s a little bit of fun.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 12, 2009, 23:09:43 PM
2/18 -- losing the will to continue  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on June 12, 2009, 23:13:16 PM
Railed you for past 5 mins ... yeah, it"s grim viewing. GL with it. Bed time for me.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 12, 2009, 23:31:58 PM
I have 28k - he has 29k

I get KK he raises 1.6k (200/400/50)  -- I re raise 5k he calls - flop 7 8 10 -- he bets 11k I go all in 28k total -- he calls - he has A 8 -- hits A -- standard
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Honeybadg on June 12, 2009, 23:44:22 PM

I have 28k - he has 29k

I get KK he raises 1.6k (200/400/50)  -- I re raise 5k he calls - flop 7 8 10 -- he bets 11k I go all in 28k total -- he calls - he has A 8 -- hits A -- standard


Unlucky - it is a sick game - are you playing the online event tomorrow night?

L
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 12, 2009, 23:53:04 PM


I have 28k - he has 29k

I get KK he raises 1.6k (200/400/50)  -- I re raise 5k he calls - flop 7 8 10 -- he bets 11k I go all in 28k total -- he calls - he has A 8 -- hits A -- standard


Unlucky - it is a sick game - are you playing the online event tomorrow night?

L


Oh yes -- new tactics - fold everything  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on June 13, 2009, 13:08:36 PM
Cork Vs. Kerry re-play today.  They"ve been walking greyhounds all week in practice.  Please God Cork will hold onto a lead this time.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 13, 2009, 13:50:18 PM

Cork Vs. Kerry re-play today.  They"ve been walking greyhounds all week in practice.  Please God Cork will hold onto a lead this time.


Humour is so lost on Kerry people
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on June 13, 2009, 13:58:00 PM
Anyone interested in kidnapping one Gooch for a few hours?  I"d say a few months, but wouldn"t be fair on you as he"s painful.  Eternal gratitude and an open bar next time we meet for the successful kidnapper.  Cheers!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on June 13, 2009, 22:11:42 PM
Get feckin Innnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  There is a God after all.

Thank you.


That is all.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 13, 2009, 22:19:54 PM
LOL great result -- now for Limerick (then Kerry again when they get through the quali"s -- its"s a funny old game)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: technolog on June 15, 2009, 12:34:09 PM

But you did though, eventually, yes?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 15, 2009, 20:29:06 PM
I was physcobabbled  today based on some prat by the name of Jung and the Myer Briggs organization.

You are lumped into a box based on your assessment of yourself and your peers assessment of you.

Box 1 (Red)

decisive, dominant, self-assured, forceful, task-orientated, instigates, leads and directs, motivated by responsibility and achievement, strong focus on task and forceful style can upset people

Box 2 (Yellow)

motivates others via influence and persuasion, good communication skills, presents well, friendly, affable, inspires others, intuitive, gregarious, friendly, motivated by recognition and personal approval, emphasis on image can neglect substance.

Box 3 (Green)

reliable, dependable, process-orientated, listener, friendly, trustworthy, solid, ethical, finishes what others start and leave, methodical, decides according to process, motivated by time, space and continuity to do things properly.

Box 4 (Blue)

painstaking, investigative, curious, decides using facts and figures, correct, checker, detailed, motivated by attention to detail, perfection and truth, need for perfection can delay or obstruct.


Right what colour was I and what colour are you.

Answer follows shortly and I was screamingly one colour..
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 15, 2009, 20:41:46 PM
Oh and my assessment of myself was different to my peers assesment of me
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 15, 2009, 21:10:41 PM
Due to extreme bad timing I am on holiday for the Scottish National -- FML.

Also I miss the games on BSQ and love the banter and stuff. Playing is not an option as I can"t go and I can"t even fecking rail (abuse)  because you have to be in the tourney to chat FFS

Life is cruel
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on June 15, 2009, 21:25:07 PM

I was physcobabbled  today based on some prat by the name of Jung and the Myer Briggs organization.

You are lumped into a box based on your assessment of yourself and your peers assessment of you.

Box 1 (Red)

decisive, dominant, self-assured, forceful, task-orientated, instigates, leads and directs, motivated by responsibility and achievement, strong focus on task and forceful style can upset people

Box 2 (Yellow)

motivates others via influence and persuasion, good communication skills, presents well, friendly, affable, inspires others, intuitive, gregarious, friendly, motivated by recognition and personal approval, emphasis on image can neglect substance.

Box 3 (Green)

reliable, dependable, process-orientated, listener, friendly, trustworthy, solid, ethical, finishes what others start and leave, methodical, decides according to process, motivated by time, space and continuity to do things properly.

Box 4 (Blue)

painstaking, investigative, curious, decides using facts and figures, correct, checker, detailed, motivated by attention to detail, perfection and truth, need for perfection can delay or obstruct.


Right what colour was I and what colour are you.

Answer follows shortly and I was screamingly one colour..



Yellow and erm, Yellow?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 15, 2009, 21:29:47 PM
Yellow for you ? - I think you fit most boxes to be honest total all rounder you. However me Yellow at work -- LOL just LOL
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: ForthThistle on June 15, 2009, 21:44:15 PM

Due to extreme bad timing I am on holiday for the Scottish National -- FML.



You got a seat for sale....   LOL
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 15, 2009, 21:46:10 PM


Due to extreme bad timing I am on holiday for the Scottish National -- FML.



You got a seat for sale....   LOL


Haven"t got a seat unfortunately -- get the sat won and stop slacking
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: ForthThistle on June 15, 2009, 21:55:08 PM
Quote


-- get the sat won and stop slacking


Very good Ger... Very good.  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 16, 2009, 19:15:52 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on June 16, 2009, 19:47:20 PM
LMAOOOOOOO!!!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 17, 2009, 17:14:55 PM
I am now firmly parked in a hotel in Livingston, what a nightmare drive up the M6 in the fecking rain. Anyway work to do for the evening (into the depot tomorrow for a seagull meeting) although if there is a game in Edinburgh - it"s only up the road - hmm will I - won"t I
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on June 18, 2009, 09:34:31 AM
Odds of Laxie doing a 12-14 mile trek on Saturday?  There"s pub, grub and bus to bring us back at the end of it, but still.  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 18, 2009, 17:48:13 PM

Odds of Laxie doing a 12-14 mile trek on Saturday?  There"s pub, grub and bus to bring us back at the end of it, but still. 


are you stark raving mad woman == FFS get a grip
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on June 18, 2009, 18:47:37 PM


Odds of Laxie doing a 12-14 mile trek on Saturday?  There"s pub, grub and bus to bring us back at the end of it, but still. 


are you stark raving mad woman == FFS get a grip


Luckily, I"ve been sick as a dog for the past few weeks and we have a new sofa being delivered at some point that day.  I was able to use both as "get out of jail free" cards on this one.

Instead, I will be relaxing at home waiting for the new sofa to arrive whilst sipping away at some good wine.  Around 3:30 we"re lighting the bbq and cooking all sorts whilst drinking more wine.  All in all, a good day and no blisters or muscle pains after.  Result!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 19, 2009, 22:43:26 PM
its official I hate poker

three all in

me AK
idiot 67
big chip leader 77

flop AK3
turn 5
river case 7


AA v 10 J all in pre obv he hit a s8

KK V AK(don"t feel too bad about this one) he hits the A

QQ v 53 ( he pushed so ok) hits flush

tilted A 10 all in -- called by similar stacked 9 7 FFS obv 7 on the flop

I am now in a retreat for silent monks and will not be seen for some time  :"(
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: AMRN on June 19, 2009, 22:52:24 PM
£2.50 in the tin
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 19, 2009, 23:06:33 PM

£2.50 in the tin


£3 and a pleasure
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 20, 2009, 12:30:49 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on June 20, 2009, 12:33:02 PM
Sofa has landed.  It"s feckin HUGE!  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 20, 2009, 12:47:46 PM

Sofa has landed.  It"s feckin HUGE!  


(http://www.curevents.com/vb/images/smilies/worth.gif)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 21, 2009, 16:47:38 PM
Some of you know that it is my Daughter's Birthday today. Now the only downside to this day is the fact that we were invited over to her Mothers for a "family" lunch which includes her husband. Now while I am not arsed about him or the fact she buggered off for him, it does lead to a stilted few hours.

I go and be polite, it doesn't cost much and it would be petulant not to go. However it's not a comfortable situation.

Never mind we came back without a major incident and I am going out for the evening with Marie & Ger to watch Marie at Karaoke. Not getting me up there though.

It does mean that I will miss the league match tonight, but I promised Marie (and as her Mother said she couldn't be bothered it's no contest) sorry scouse.

Oh and Tipperary are killing Clare in the Hurling FML  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Honeybadg on June 21, 2009, 16:52:04 PM
Here is a song you could sing ...

HALLELUJAH (SORT OF)

Oh Des Duffy you are the man
You"ve done things that no other can
You bought three drinks, but surely that""ll do ya?
That"ll do ya, that"ll do ya, that"ll do ya, that"ll do-oo-oo ya.

Hey Leigh Wiltshire
We"re all so glad that you ran
To a few shoot outs and a pair of Jimmy Choo-sa
Jimmy Choo-sa, Jimmy Choo-sa, Jimmy Choo-sa, Jimmy Choo-oo-oo sa.

Neil Dawson you"re ace
You might not have won every race
Still, nice to know Chipaccrual is a loser
Is a loser, is a loser, is a loser, is a lo-oo-oo-ser.

Kinboshi take a bow
The things you did made us go wow!
The ladies loved you "cos you"re such a schmoozer
Such a schmoozer, such a schmoozer, such a schmoozer, such a schmoo-oo-oo-zer.

So join me as we sing this song
A year when APATs could do no wrong
A very hot and happy Summer to ya
Summer to ya, Summer to ya, Summer to ya, Summer to-oo-oo ya


Either that or sing it at an APAT event ...

L
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on June 21, 2009, 17:55:03 PM
Happy Birthday Marie!!!  Hope you"re having a lovely day Chicka!   :)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 23, 2009, 21:01:25 PM
Off to Sunny Solihull tomorrow for a seminar on Voice picking. It will be a long day.

Then off to Lovely Livingston on Thursday for the last go live of the rollout -- So this blog might get neglected. I don"t have much time but Friday night is free and if there is a game in Edinburgh I might be tempted before the hard work starts on Saturday. Any ideas ?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on June 23, 2009, 23:27:15 PM
So today a bunch of neighbours gathered together to sort out the gardening needs for a 96 year old across the road.  Ger knows her well...her name is Baby.  Well, really her name is Margaret, but not even her one and only son calls her anything but Baby.  Children and adults gathered for the day.  There was cutting, trimming, strimming, digging....you name it, the lot was done.  Not often we get a sunny day in Ireland, so we go mad when it hits us.  That"s normal.  But it"s very rare to see 7 families attack one person"s yard together.  Granted, I"ve been sickly lately, so I was the delegation rep for the day.  Shouted orders and they did what they were told.  Thank god because they put in some awful work for their day!  

When all was said and done, nothing would do but to have a bbq for the neighbours as a "thank you" for the work they"d put in.  Whilst I got away without doing heavy work, the cooking was all mine.  25 were fed by the time I was done and there was still food left over for stragglers who showed up late.  The children put on a show of gymnastics and dancing for us after.  It was abso comedy...especially when they threw in their version of Stavros Flatley.  Just when we thought the "block party" was about to die down a game of footy broke loose with dads and kids in the front yard. 

Whilst the rest of the world is pissing about with borders and power, there"s a wee village in Knocknagree where nothing else matters only family and a little old lady called Baby.    

Great day and as Ger would say...Priceless.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 23, 2009, 23:32:24 PM

So today a bunch of neighbours gathered together to sort out the gardening needs for a 96 year old across the road.  Ger knows her well...her name is Baby.  Well, really her name is Margaret, but not even her one and only son calls her anything but Baby.  Children and adults gathered for the day.  There was cutting, trimming, strimming, digging....you name it, the lot was done.  Not often we get a sunny day in Ireland, so we go mad when it hits us.  That"s normal.  But it"s very rare to see 7 families attack one person"s yard together.  Granted, I"ve been sickly lately, so I was the delegation rep for the day.  Shouted orders and they did what they were told.  Thank god because they put in some awful work for their day!  

When all was said and done, nothing would do but to have a bbq for the neighbours as a "thank you" for the work they"d put in.  Whilst I got away without doing heavy work, the cooking was all mine.  25 were fed by the time I was done and there was still food left over for stragglers who showed up late.  The children put on a show of gymnastics and dancing for us after.  It was abso comedy...especially when they threw in their version of Stavros Flatley.  Just when we thought the "block party" was about to die down a game of footy broke loose with dads and kids in the front yard. 

Whilst the rest of the world is pissing about with borders and power, there"s a wee village in Knocknagree where nothing else matters only family and a little old lady called Baby.    

Great day and as Ger would say...Priceless.


A lovely woman and a great deed and sounded like a great day
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on June 23, 2009, 23:47:54 PM
It was.  And we missed you.  xx
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on June 24, 2009, 16:25:33 PM
Just back from sunny Solihull where I attended a meeting on the proposal to introduce voice picking into our warehouse operations. This will be tagged onto the back of the upgraded software we have been rolling out for the last 6 months. This looks like I will be gainfully employed for another year or so.

Anyway on the way back as I wasn't driving, I relaxed in the back seat and contemplated, as you do.  Lost in my own little world, as my two colleagues, in the front discussed the meeting. It was a beautiful sunny day and I forgot about the hustle and bustle around me as people strove to get to wherever they were going.

I thought about the past, the present and the future. The past I could forget, but never regret. I have no regrets about my past life, none at all. I did what I did and just as everything has a consequence, it also has a reason. 

My present is far from perfect, but it is comfortable and rewarding. I have a good job, a nice home (well if it was tidied up a bit) and Marie and Ger are great company and no bother at all. I can indulge in my current hobby of poker (those who see me play can attest that it is a hobby). I will not get rich in money from it, but I am rich in other ways. I am rich in the friendships that it has afforded me and the social events it lets myself and Ger attend (must get Marie to start learning).

My future, given the definition of the word, is of course uncertain. But what I am certain of, is that I will live it as full as is humanly possible without regret but with a lot of fun.

Life is priceless and will be treasured.

Morbid reflections over - bring on Glasgow this Friday.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 01, 2009, 17:51:22 PM
The July fest is approaching rapidly and I am really looking forward to it. A chance to have a good time playing poker, with a good bunch of people. I thought I would share some of the ensemble with you, with a small bio. Feel free to embellish some of them with your own take on the personality.

Ger
Genial host with a love of the foaming brew and a poker style that is so tight and passive that he makes Mother Theresa look like Attila the Hun.
 
Wee Ger (Destroyer)
Son of the host and an emerging player on the live circuit. Has the fearlessness of youth and will be a force to contend with at the WCOAP in August.

Carl (Shogun)
Top bloke and my next door neighbour, running hot at the moment and will be one to watch. If you want any furniture, your car sorted or any other practical things done, he's your man.

Adam (Sharplea)
Alcohol allergic (shudder) and part time dealer. Has a tendency, when mucking, of lobbing his cards in the air so they land in the middle after all at the table has seen what he has chucked.

Julie (Joobs)
This lady is totally mad, madder than a burrow of March Hares. Will giggle you to death at the table (before leaving the room to take care of some gastronomic anomaly)

Jon MW
"The British Cowboy" champion of that silly game where the worst hand wins, should run well at Chezger in that case.

Glenn (Bigfella)
The only man to run J P McManus close in the betting stakes. Runs dogs and horses in his spare time and will play even tighter than Duke in this game. If he plays a hand fold, end of.

Daniel P (Kinboshi)
Well I could go on for ages here. Professional cash player, with a good tournament style (well he had a few years ago when he won the first APAT). Will drink anything and most likely will. Don't get him started on cars, speeding or any other controversial subject, unless you are prepared for the long haul. Has more posts that the Royal Mail.

Steve B (Scouse)
Loud, very loud, was hit with a one match ban earlier this year for venting his spleen in a casino when his beloved Liverpool scored an all too infrequent goal. Will talk you to death at the table (ipod's for hire at the door on entrance)

Daniel B (350)
Top bloke and slimmer of the year, has an aggressive style that makes Gus Hanson look like Elmer Fudd on beta blockers.

Andy B (B52bomber/Slider)
Last years Chezger league champion and a model of consistency. Has been known to take a pint or two. Passive early doors, but more aggressive than an Alaskan Dumper truck in the latter stages. Duck his bullets, don the crash helmet and pray.

Dave D (Digger)
Folically challenged Guinness drinker, has been known to play any two cards with the same abandon as AA.

Mike Newell
Dr Mike, as he is affectionally called, is the biggest luckbox going. Don't get involved in marginal hands with this man

Dewi
What can be written about this legend, that already hasn't been penned. Awesome player with a style some might find intimidating, will consume his weight in alcohol on the night and still remain standing. Legend

Don (Logie66)
Caribbean Cricket Commentator and sports fan. Will dazzle you with his moves at the table. Beware his post flop googly.

Paul Mc (Cyntaf)
Will talk you to death, before, during and after each street. You will lose the will to live and he will take your chips.

Rob (Swinebag)
Arriving on the back of a near $100k win on Pstars. Will arrive fashionably late, in a limo. Watch this guy he is running hot.

Should be a good weekend.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 01, 2009, 18:42:43 PM
The X-Box is a great invention. Ger plays on it all fecking day anyway he has the headphones on and he"s playing FIFA. Every now and again he comes out with a random comment and I turn round and say "What?" only to find he"s taking on the head set

rinse and repeat for a while and its beginning to do my head in. sigh
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 01, 2009, 18:47:52 PM
July fest news.

Structure

(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/structure.JPG)

Bouncy castle
Darts comp
Cash games (specially for Kinfishy when he is out)
Races during the day maybe !

Webcam will be on the final table with a 10 second refresh
Updates on here when we can (chip counts etc)

SHould be a good weekend
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on July 01, 2009, 19:54:27 PM
Should be a fab weekend, wish I was there "sigh" but alas no unless a miracle babysitter had popped up hehe.

Have a gr8 time!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 01, 2009, 19:58:54 PM
Decided to play a little $20 180 this evening whilst have a few beers in the beautiful Sunshine -- you know getting the late rays and sipping a cool one. Not really concentrating and after an hour I am 6/86 on 6.3k average 3k.

Maybe this is the way to play  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on July 01, 2009, 20:02:55 PM
Just say "no".  Just say "no".  Just say "no".  Must keep reminding myself of this.  Sigh.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 01, 2009, 21:04:31 PM
bad hour - 21/27 just over 10 BB --- oopps
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 01, 2009, 21:06:54 PM
But hey -- lets party
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: ForthThistle on July 01, 2009, 21:40:19 PM
Ger,
         Is this on stars and if it is... What"s your handle
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 01, 2009, 21:45:35 PM

Ger,
         Is this on stars and if it is... What"s your handle


gone 12th 2.5 hrs for $20 -- magic
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: KarmaDope on July 01, 2009, 22:38:59 PM
Time for some more "realistic" bios...

Ger
The crazy host who will be drunk before we even start. Will be praying for a feature table draw by the fridge. Impossible to put on a hand, however has a weakness of forgetting position and fold equity. A danger with chips.
 
Wee Ger (Destroyer)
One of the players to watch out for. Capable of aggression but a lot better at timing it than his father. Recently chopped a win in Manchester with Carl. Running good.

Carl (Shogun)
Don"t mention pot odds. A solid player who on his day can take the game to everybody and come out ahead. Very good in position and will not hesitate to steal your BB if it"s his button. Another one who"s running good.

Adam (Sharplea)
Tight grinder. Has it more often than not. If you don"t have the nuts in a pot with him, fold quickly. Just don"t ask him to deal and play at the same time. That glare...*shudder*.

Julie (Joobs)
Complete lunatic off the table. Makes Laxie look tame in comparison sometimes. Has vowed to be sober throughout the weekend, and is a dark horse to watch out for.

Jon MW
Razz champion and number 1 backer. Sadly for The British Cowboy, this isn"t Razz, and he is likely to be outclassed. Needs a bit of luck early on to get chips, otherwise I predict a mid-table finish. Better cash player, in my opinion.

Daniel P (Kinboshi)
The tightest player in the game. If he opens, then you have 2 options, fold or fold. Somehow managed to luckbox an APAT win back when nobody knew about it and has failed to repeat. Abandoned his tournament game in favour of cash and this may cost him the July Fest title.

Steve B (Scouse)
Loud, aggressive, all round table captain. If he and Duke end up on the same table then I feel sorry for everyone else at that table. iPod"s at the ready should you be either side of him.

Daniel B (350)
It would be interesting to see 350 play sober...then again even he doesn"t know how to play sober. Will steal your blinds with ferocity and always have the goods when you try to play back.

Andy B (B52bomber/Slider)
Loose/passive until we get down to the nitty-gritty push-fold stages, then will push 3-4 times a round and will always come out ahead. Has the pedigree to win this but is just as likely to implode very early and be the first out. Win or bust for the reigning Chezger champion.

Rich Offless (RichEO)
Should Mr Offless make an appearance (dependent on Vegas returns) then the cash tables will take a battering. Has abandoned tournaments to concentrate on fleecing the Manchester scene in cash, but will be one of the favourites should he play the tournament.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: jbworldwide on July 01, 2009, 22:56:06 PM
James "jbworldwide" Barber - Master of the 27 handed self dealt game.  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 01, 2009, 22:59:00 PM

James "jbworldwide" Barber - Master of the 27 handed self dealt game.  ;D


I left you alone cos I didnt want to insult you -- now its war
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 01, 2009, 23:01:13 PM
Adam -- LOL just LOL
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 01, 2009, 23:02:20 PM
small point -- what"s fold equity ???
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: KarmaDope on July 01, 2009, 23:21:30 PM

small point -- what"s fold equity ???


Something I don"t expect you to understand. :)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fold_equity
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 02, 2009, 00:49:40 AM


small point -- what"s fold equity ???


Something I don"t expect you to understand. :)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fold_equity

thats cos its shiite
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Jon MW on July 02, 2009, 12:05:29 PM

Time for some more "realistic" bios...
...

Jon MW
... is likely to be outclassed. ...



Bounty on Sharplea
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 02, 2009, 15:48:06 PM
My electricity bill is equivalent to the GNP of a small country. So I am on an eco drive shouting at my children to switch of lights/appliances on standy etc. Last night I borrowed Carl"s gizmo (OWL) which is now attached to the main cable outside and it shows me all sorts of stuff ie KW hr - cost (you enter your rate) - temp of the room - co2 usage - etc etc -.

Although thinkng about it 4 tv"s (2 plasma 2 lcd) - air conditioning unit - numerous games boxs - 3 pc"s - 4 screens - two fridges - washing machine never off - might have something to do with it. ;D ;D ;D ;D

at the mo running at 1.2kw hr which is approx 12p per hr -- must get that down (and the rate I am paying looking at switching as we speak it was a lazy thing not to bother)

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on July 02, 2009, 16:43:18 PM

. Last night I borrowed Carl"s gizmo (OWL) which is now attached to the main cable outside



are the RSPCA aware of this?... :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: AMRN on July 02, 2009, 16:55:47 PM


. Last night I borrowed Carl"s gizmo (OWL) which is now attached to the main cable outside



are the RSPCA aware of this?... :D


technically it would be the RSPB that would have an interest :)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on July 02, 2009, 17:08:12 PM

My electricity bill is equivalent to the GNP of a small country. So I am on an eco drive shouting at my children to switch of lights/appliances on standy etc. Last night I borrowed Carl"s gizmo (OWL) which is now attached to the main cable outside and it shows me all sorts of stuff ie KW hr - cost (you enter your rate) - temp of the room - co2 usage - etc etc -.

Although thinkng about it 4 tv"s (2 plasma 2 lcd) - air conditioning unit - numerous games boxs - 3 pc"s - 4 screens - two fridges - washing machine never off - might have something to do with it. ;D ;D ;D ;D

at the mo running at 1.2kw hr which is approx 12p per hr -- must get that down (and the rate I am paying looking at switching as we speak it was a lazy thing not to bother)




How much would it cost to plug Carl in and could we get it streamed on the webcam?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 02, 2009, 17:39:56 PM


My electricity bill is equivalent to the GNP of a small country. So I am on an eco drive shouting at my children to switch of lights/appliances on standy etc. Last night I borrowed Carl"s gizmo (OWL) which is now attached to the main cable outside and it shows me all sorts of stuff ie KW hr - cost (you enter your rate) - temp of the room - co2 usage - etc etc -.

Although thinkng about it 4 tv"s (2 plasma 2 lcd) - air conditioning unit - numerous games boxs - 3 pc"s - 4 screens - two fridges - washing machine never off - might have something to do with it. ;D ;D ;D ;D

at the mo running at 1.2kw hr which is approx 12p per hr -- must get that down (and the rate I am paying looking at switching as we speak it was a lazy thing not to bother)




How much would it cost to plug Carl in and could we get it streamed on the webcam?


National Grid would take a bit of a hit  ::)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on July 02, 2009, 19:24:20 PM



. Last night I borrowed Carl"s gizmo (OWL) which is now attached to the main cable outside



are the RSPCA aware of this?... :D


technically it would be the RSPB that would have an interest :)


i was referring to gizmo - the cute gremlin  ;)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 02, 2009, 23:54:10 PM
wow just wow -- moved the poker fridge out of the conservatory and my owl is showing no more tham .5 kw hr

not rocket science really when the temp in the conseratory was making the fridge work harder -- DOH!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 03, 2009, 15:12:27 PM
At home today and playing a little sat to a sat for  the EPT in Barcelona on stars - $5 rebuy made the break with

2 rebuys - took the addon as well
10k in chips - 5k average
8/75
16 seats to the EPT sat at 18:30

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: stacks on July 03, 2009, 15:32:45 PM
Look like the drunken lesson last night paid off!!

GL with getting a seat.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 03, 2009, 15:39:16 PM
ooops blinds 600/1200 -- me 5k - shove with 33, desperate measures get a caller - pray A high.

yep he had A high with another one FML - out 36th
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: AMRN on July 03, 2009, 15:56:59 PM
you really don"t like AA do you Ger!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 03, 2009, 16:03:28 PM

you really don"t like AA do you Ger!!


sigh I had forgotten and was putting my life back together - now I am depressed again  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 04, 2009, 11:22:44 AM
OK Chezger have booked Vegas -

Leaving 14th Nov 2009 - returning 21st November 2009

A seperate thread willl be started to chronical the events before/during/after the invasion
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Chipaccrual on July 04, 2009, 11:30:19 AM

OK Chezger have booked Vegas -

Leaving 14th Nov 2009 - returning 21st November 2009

A seperate thread willl be started to chronical the events before/during/after the invasion


Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 05, 2009, 12:30:31 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 05, 2009, 12:45:55 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: janc on July 05, 2009, 15:52:58 PM
fly on 11/11 for 2 weeks staying downtown  Premier seats with thomas cook  7 nights @ Golden Gate & 7 @ Vegas club .131days  to go and counting  :)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 07, 2009, 23:08:32 PM
Tonight someone wanted to transfer some dollars to me on Pokerstars and wanted me to give them sterling tomorrow, no problem says I.

"they say I can"t, something about age verification"
"Whose" says I
"Yours" says he
"Eh" says I

So I log on and sure enough a wee screen pops up saying I need to verify my age before the transfer can go through. So I fill in the screen with my passport info.

Invalid passport number it says
"No it"s fecking not" says I

So I email support and my email came from chezger.co.uk

Get an email back stating that they will only discuss my account if I email from a validated email

I change my email and get a validation email

I validate that email

send another email to support

get one back saying my passport is invalid

I sent one back saying was that an Irish thing and would you please stop messing about (or words to that effect)

get one back saying enter my UK licence

I sent one back - don"t want to I want you to validate my age from my passport

get one back saying invalid passport - use your UK licence

sigh

Ok I enter my UK licence and it gets validated and the money can be transferred.

I get a final email saying I can now play on pokerstars and good luck.

I have entered the fecking twilight zone.

priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on July 08, 2009, 00:10:44 AM

OK Chezger have booked Vegas -

Leaving 14th Nov 2009 - returning 21st November 2009

A seperate thread willl be started to chronical the events before/during/after the invasion


Oh dear.  We"ll have to swear in extra mods....
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 09, 2009, 19:17:29 PM
I was very sweet on a wee girl in the village in my late teens. Her name was Christine and she was a really wonderful girl and didn't really deserve a Shiite like me. It obviously didn't work out but our times together were fun.

I was a teeny bit arrogant in those days and consequently got into some situations I really shouldn't have. One year we went out for Christmas dinner because my Mother went on strike. I didn't mind because we had booked into a rather nice hotel in Killaloe for the occasion. The meal was lovely and as a bonus Christine worked in the same hotel in the stables. She used to school the horses and the residents were allowed to ride around the paddock.

I went outside and she was schooling a horse over a few small jumps and she spotted me and came over.

"Can you ride a horse" says she
"Of course" Lied I

She leapt off the horse, god she was beautiful, I must have been the biggest eejit in the world to let that one slip.

She handed me the reins and I managed to clamber aboard without too much embarrassment. I felt like John Wayne as I serenely sat atop this lovely animal. I gently tapped the sides with my heels. No movement.

No I resisted the temptation to say "Giddyup" or some other trite statement, so I made that funny sound though my teeth that I had seen in the films. No movement.

Now Christine's eyes were dancing with merriment as she respectfully tried hard not to laugh. I felt myself reddening up and I dug my heels in a little harder. No movement.

I sighed, relaxed and was about to admit my abject failure when this horse decided that he had enough of this fecker on his back. I felt the horse tense and the next second I was in the air and stretching my length on the ground. I looked up and the horse was stock still looking as innocent and pure as the driven snow. Christine had abandoned her efforts at not laughing and was creased up in a ball on the ground.

"Know horses then" says she

Well ego well and truly battered I was about to get angry and storm off, when I also started to laugh and the day was a beautiful one after that.

Great times , priceless and very much missed.  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on July 09, 2009, 19:26:54 PM
Now I know what we"ll be doing next time you"re here.  Don"t worry.  They"ll learn ya.   ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 09, 2009, 20:00:00 PM
Testing Testing

Tonight there is a little game in the Conservatory and the webcam is up -- comments on clarity would be appreciated.

WEBCAM (http://www.chezger.co.uk/html/webcam.html)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Swinebag on July 09, 2009, 20:02:58 PM
looking good Ger

no players yet??
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 09, 2009, 20:04:43 PM
No - start in a few minutes
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on July 09, 2009, 20:08:56 PM
No sign of bouncy castle, bodies or beer.  Yer slipping Ger.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 09, 2009, 20:10:16 PM
Beer is here - bodies on the way -- however the boucy castle is a victim of the recession - working on an alternative supplier
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Chipaccrual on July 09, 2009, 20:11:16 PM
Ger, there"s two dodgy looking young lads in your conservatory.  One"s got a Liverpool top on.  Definitely looks like they plan to rob the place.  If you"re quick you might catch them.   ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on July 09, 2009, 20:12:32 PM
...........................before they steal all the beer!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 09, 2009, 20:12:44 PM

Ger, there"s two dodgy looking young lads in your conservatory.  One"s got a Liverpool top on.  Definitely looks like they plan to rob the place.  If you"re quick you might catch them.   ;D


On it
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Chipaccrual on July 09, 2009, 20:13:58 PM


Ger, there"s two dodgy looking young lads in your conservatory.  One"s got a Liverpool top on.  Definitely looks like they plan to rob the place.  If you"re quick you might catch them.   ;D


On it



You"re not kidding.  I click refresh and the one with the Liverpool top has vanished.  WOW
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Chipaccrual on July 09, 2009, 20:14:32 PM
He"s back again with your beer.  Laxie did warn you.    ;)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Chipaccrual on July 09, 2009, 20:30:00 PM
Is it a heads up tourney ?


Picture quality looks good though.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 09, 2009, 20:32:52 PM
LOL == Sharplea & Joobs are -- ahem on their way - they "got sidetracked" lmao
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Chipaccrual on July 09, 2009, 20:36:19 PM

LOL == Sharplea & Joobs are -- ahem on their way - they "got sidetracked" lmao


Adam got lost and confused somewhere, you say ?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Chipaccrual on July 09, 2009, 21:21:29 PM
Are the lights on ?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Chipaccrual on July 09, 2009, 21:24:53 PM

no good looking players yet Ger ??



I think it"s serious game Rob, no need for those comments.   ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on July 09, 2009, 21:28:05 PM
put the lights on cannae see
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on July 09, 2009, 21:32:56 PM
tadah good man
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 09, 2009, 21:34:00 PM

tadah good man


All good testing
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Chipaccrual on July 09, 2009, 21:38:04 PM
Turn the lights back off.

;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on July 09, 2009, 21:38:37 PM

Turn the lights back off.

;D


:D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on July 09, 2009, 21:40:49 PM
I joined the coverage just in time to see Duke scoop a pot. I"m off - I don"t wanna be bringin him luck :)

More lighting BTW.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on July 09, 2009, 22:23:46 PM
Mini Ger is a Liv***ool fan? Just lost all respekt for he youngster.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on July 09, 2009, 22:43:39 PM
wee ger n big ger seem to have all the chips from what i can see
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 09, 2009, 22:50:44 PM

wee ger n big ger seem to have all the chips from what i can see


out to the wee man FML
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on July 09, 2009, 22:53:48 PM
LOL gg
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 10, 2009, 15:41:23 PM
Hmmm put up the three tables but the maths is a bit off

Me: 17 chairs
Carl: 6 Chairs

27 people

I had 27 chairs last christmas (with Carls 6) then I remembered Dan350 was a bit bigger then and he broke 2 chairs on his own. The other two ended up in the skip for some reason or another

oh well 4 people on plastic Morrison"s chairs then  ;D ;D  off to the shop
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on July 10, 2009, 18:47:25 PM
I can think of some reason, but deffo DO NOT want to know another!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 11, 2009, 10:40:15 AM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Logie66 on July 11, 2009, 10:48:02 AM
Arrived late last night and crashed at the hotel, heading off into Chester soon to find a hole in the wall.

See you at the races Ger.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 11, 2009, 10:56:43 AM

Arrived late last night and crashed at the hotel, heading off into Chester soon to find a hole in the wall.

See you at the races Ger.


Don give me a call -- I have pm"d my mobile
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on July 11, 2009, 20:49:29 PM
whenever i try to view webcam, it is just always frozen unless i hit refresh all the time.... is that right?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Chipaccrual on July 11, 2009, 21:00:08 PM

whenever i try to view webcam, it is just always frozen unless i hit refresh all the time.... is that right?


Yeah, refreshes their end every 15 seconds, I think.

So you need to refresh aswell.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Honeybadg on July 11, 2009, 21:12:40 PM
... which makes it a bit like the start of the Sweeney ...

L
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on July 11, 2009, 22:24:41 PM
Webcam jammed for me at 21:34:58. Ladies?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on July 11, 2009, 22:47:49 PM
Jammed for me too.  Sent him a txt to say it was too dark, maybe it broke lol
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 12, 2009, 12:23:07 PM

Jammed for me too.  Sent him a txt to say it was too dark, maybe it broke lol


Aye it broke alright and as the clock was on the same PC I couldn"t re boot.

Story later - still looking for my head


RESULT (http://www.chezger.co.uk/julyfe_1.HTM)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 12, 2009, 14:05:43 PM
Well the July Fest is over and was a good night. Thanks to all who attended and made it a special night. Congratulations to the winners RESULT (http://www.chezger.co.uk/julyfe_1.HTM) and although Kinboshi runs cold at tournament poker at the moment, he runs hot at cash. I think he picked up more money than the choppers did.

Wee man was getting drinks for Dan 350 all night and was neglecting to put the Vodka in. Funny enough Dan seemed to get drunker.

Swinebag keeps chipping away and collected his buy in for finishing 6th

Scouse gets exponentially louder as the clock ticks on

Paul Mc is a lucky fish

Jbworldwide (despite me sucking out on him with a rivered jack) finished well and was one of the choppers.

I filled three large dustbins full of rubbish this morning

The webcam packed in at 9:30

I am tender.

More legible detail later

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: jbworldwide on July 13, 2009, 12:23:24 PM
Thanks for hosting the tournament Ger.

I had a great time although lack of sleep.

BTW how does 3 chezger tops go into 4  ;)  :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 14, 2009, 10:41:23 AM
First day of my two week holiday yesterday and as I don"t fly out until Friday I decided to fire up a mixture of games.

low buy in tourneys -- ooops
DS --- ooops

outlay $135 -- return $0

Therefore today I will concentrate on the ones that seem to pay me off - namely $10+1 27 player SNG

Cover me I am going in
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on July 14, 2009, 11:34:06 AM
Have fun :)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 14, 2009, 23:15:29 PM
today = outlay $61.50

incoming zero

spot the trend
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Jon MW on July 14, 2009, 23:49:02 PM

today = outlay $61.50

incoming zero

spot the trend


You"re losing less money every day :D

That"s a good trend, isn"t it?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 15, 2009, 15:43:09 PM
so on-line aint working therefore going to go to the G tonight to take out my aggression on real people. Watch out Manchester.........................
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 15, 2009, 16:30:49 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: KarmaDope on July 16, 2009, 02:33:14 AM

so on-line aint working therefore going to go to the G tonight to take out my aggression on real people. Watch out Manchester.........................


Where were you, we went for Joobs" birthday!

It lasted 3 hands for her. Oops.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 16, 2009, 11:26:01 AM
Glutton for punishment -- played again this morning. Did kind of ok - better than the last few days

Finished 6th -- not in the cash but a distinct improvement - 200/400 blinds I have 1.8k  - AJ sooted - big raise from CL -- I call - he had 77 and they held.

A little happier - will watch a bit of golf and play after lunch
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on July 16, 2009, 11:55:11 AM


A little happier - will watch a bit of golf and play after lunch


this life lark isn"t that bad really... :)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 16, 2009, 12:56:53 PM
Back to normal -- set of K"s beaten by a flush (he called pre flop raise with Q 7) it continues
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 16, 2009, 13:21:08 PM
QQ run into AA

Low stacked 99 runs into QQ

Officially on a break
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 16, 2009, 16:59:43 PM
Decided to take a break from poker and went to see the new Harry Potter flic with Ger.

One word: dissappointing
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on July 16, 2009, 19:31:16 PM
Holiday and a good Jack Reacher FTW.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on July 17, 2009, 09:26:13 AM
See ya soon Honey!  Safe trip.  xx
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 17, 2009, 11:15:28 AM

See ya soon Honey!  Safe trip.  xx


The holiday starts today -- flying out later on

Gutted to be missing the APAT in Edinburgh and the best of luck to all who have entered.

See you all in 10 days (make that 11 I will have to sober up)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on July 17, 2009, 11:19:16 AM
Have a gr8 time Ger x
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on July 18, 2009, 11:35:36 AM
Ger and the wee man landed safe and sound last night...mostly.  They"ve stopped here on their way to their holiday home for a quick brekkie, then off they go for 10 days of beach and sunshine rain.  It is Ireland after all.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 18, 2009, 16:04:17 PM
Landed in the holiday home via a big fry up at Laxie Towers (Top woman that one). Anyway the village has beautiful views and pubs, but FML the shops don't sell beer. Quick retreat into Killorglin (Home of the Puck Fair) and phew found an off licence. Fridge replened TG

Wee man is a bit poorly so he is slumped on the couch and like a good caring Father I am about to go out to the pub (just a short walk away).

Today and tomorrow are going to be quiet and I will see how he is on Monday and will probably have to go to the money grabbing doctor.

Off now to see how the Edinburgh Classic is getting on
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 20, 2009, 12:17:42 PM
On the first full day of the holiday, the wee man was feeling a lot better (No doctor required) and we decided to take a trip to Dingle for lunch. We drove through Kilorglin (Of Puck Fair fame) and on along the coast to Dingle. The scenery is breathtaking and it was a lovely drive. Long sandy beaches and rugged cliffs. Whilst nothing will ever compare to my own native county of Clare the views along here were a close second.

Dingle is very tourist orientated and was full of tour buses. We did manage to find a lovely pub that served food and had, quite possibly, the best bacon and cabbage that I have ever had the pleasure to eat.

I had left my mobile back in the house and as it is an extension of me I was a little worried. But the relaxed atmosphere and fine weather soon had me realising that I should leave my phone at home more often.

We sauntered back to the village of Glenbeigh and I wanted to keep up with the APAT game, well I would have if the thread was still there.   ::) ::) ::)

We retired to the local watering hole to watch the Golf and drink pots of Guinness. (Wasn't Tom Watson unlucky).

So far this holiday is all that I require, lazy days, liquid nights, priceless

However, Laxie and a couple of her delightful children arrive today so the lazy day could be a thing of the past, wouldn't have it any other way.....
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on July 20, 2009, 12:52:49 PM
Brace yerself!!!  The car is packed and we"re on our way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  See ya in an hour or so.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 21, 2009, 09:48:13 AM
Yesterday was a good day, Dawn's two girls went for a swim in the Atlantic FFS. I know they had wet suits on but Jesus it looked freezing.

We retired for a meal to the pub then had a rowdy game of poker where the wee man took me out. He will be OK if he keeps the ice pack to his face.

We then played a game called Knock 31. It's a game where it's possible to change the rules on an ongoing basis in order that my hand always loses.

Today we are going to go horse riding, if it keeps fine. My personal insurance is fully paid up, so I should be OK.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on July 21, 2009, 09:53:13 AM


Today we are going to go horse riding ...



This thread is rubbish without pics ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on July 21, 2009, 09:58:49 AM



Today we are going to go horse riding ...



This thread is rubbish without pics ;D


+1 have got to see pics of the horse riding lol
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Swinebag on July 21, 2009, 11:55:42 AM


Today we are going to go horse riding, if it keeps fine. My personal insurance is fully paid up, so I should be OK.



I"m more worried about the horse!! Is he/she insured??
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on July 21, 2009, 21:05:42 PM



Today we are going to go horse riding, if it keeps fine. My personal insurance is fully paid up, so I should be OK.



I"m more worried about the horse!! Is he/she insured??
he should have been but fair play...he struggled on and survived it. Just about. Heard from the tour leader, "come on paddy". Heard from ger... "Dont mind paddy, he"s fecking grand." as poor old paddy crept along.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 22, 2009, 10:03:40 AM
Me serene in the saddle

(http://i403.photobucket.com/albums/pp119/duke3016/horses/21072009034.jpg)

The wee man

(http://i403.photobucket.com/albums/pp119/duke3016/horses/21072009033.jpg)

Laxie

(http://i403.photobucket.com/albums/pp119/duke3016/horses/21072009037.jpg)

(http://i403.photobucket.com/albums/pp119/duke3016/horses/21072009030.jpg)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on July 22, 2009, 10:06:44 AM
LOL gr8 photos!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 22, 2009, 10:12:42 AM
Well yesterday was a laugh. We went horse riding on the beach. Now my horse was a wild mustang that went by the name of "Paddy". We bonded straight away as man displayed his calm authority over the noble beast.

We were booked for 2pm but the weather was a little unpredictable so at 11am we rang to see if they could take us now as the skies were blue. No problem so off we went and of course when we hit the beach the heavens opened.

It didn't detract from a lovely time and Paddy and myself had a wonderful time.......
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: AMRN on July 22, 2009, 10:23:07 AM

Me serene in the saddle
(http://i403.photobucket.com/albums/pp119/duke3016/horses/21072009034.jpg)


That horse"s back is definitely sagging in the middle!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on July 22, 2009, 18:11:23 PM
Paddy started sagging the minute he realised he"d be carrying Ger!  

A few notes after the past couple of days -

Poker is rigged.

Young girls should not be permitted to play poker.

Poker dice is rigged.

Young girls should not be permitted to play poker dice.

Roshambo is rigged.

Young girls should not be permitted to play Roshambo.

The pub is within walking distance...provided you know how to walk.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 22, 2009, 19:28:16 PM
Went to the beach at Kell's Bay and Laxie's wee girls went for a dip. Laxie paddled, I have pictures but she has promised to kill me if they ever get the light of day. It's a lovely spot, blue flag beach and clear waters. The only suprising thing is the amount of Jellyfish that are in these waters. The beach had quite a few washed up.

They departed back to Laxie Towers in the afternoon and myself and the wee man decided to head for Valencia Island for a spot of tea. We took the short route via the ferry which was good value at 8 Euro with the added attraction of a couple of dolphins swimming a little way off. Some people pay 50 Euro to go out in a boat to see the fecking dolphins. We got the cut price view.

I had a delicious smoked Haddock meal and the wee man had pasta as we lazed around in the afternoon sun. Yes surprise, surprise the sun was shining in Kerry.

Back at the house, and a little snooze on the couch before heading to the pub for a few rounds of the black stuff..

Great life....
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on July 22, 2009, 19:35:38 PM
Quote
Laxie paddled, I have pictures but she has promised to kill me if they ever get the light of day.


I will hunt you down if you post them...especially "that one".  FACT!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Swinebag on July 22, 2009, 20:26:35 PM

Quote
Laxie paddled, I have pictures but she has promised to kill me if they ever get the light of day.


I will hunt you down if you post them...especially "that one".  FACT!


This comment is pointless without a picture ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Bigfella42 on July 22, 2009, 22:05:44 PM
I just want to know if Ger is now walking around bow legged after a couple of hours on poor old Paddy lol!

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on July 23, 2009, 08:08:25 AM
Front page on hold for Laxie peddling pix...
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on July 23, 2009, 09:04:54 AM
Not suitable for any page, never mind the front page!  


I just want to know if Ger is now walking around bow legged after a couple of hours on poor old Paddy lol!




Ger was walking with some difficulty after, but I"d be more worried about Paddy"s ability to walk after an hour + with Ger on his back!  lol
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 23, 2009, 17:28:08 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on July 23, 2009, 20:23:11 PM
Quote
I have also taken the decision that the paddling pictures might be published when I leave this wonderful Island.


Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Brave talk after a few pints.  I promise "that one" won"t be on yer phone past tomorrow noon time!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 23, 2009, 21:04:43 PM

Quote
I have also taken the decision that the paddling pictures might be published when I leave this wonderful Island.


Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Brave talk after a few pints.  I promise "that one" won"t be on yer phone past tomorrow noon time!


Already taken precautions -- they are all on photobucket
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on July 23, 2009, 23:00:43 PM

Quote
I have also taken the decision that the paddling pictures might be published when I leave this wonderful Island.


Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Brave talk after a few pints.  I promise "that one" won"t be on yer phone past tomorrow noon time!




Ger, that"s the one we want.  As the kidz say, shippppp....  :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on July 24, 2009, 04:05:26 AM
First off feck off. Secondly do not attempt to play poker in Ireland if you have any doubts about yer game. Last but not least... Do not allow young girls to play poker. That is all.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 24, 2009, 20:14:38 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 25, 2009, 12:52:38 PM
At the beach yesterday the Smyth & Dineen families re-enacted the nativity play whilst sheltering from the rain.

(http://i403.photobucket.com/albums/pp119/duke3016/horses/Image011.jpg)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: ForthThistle on July 25, 2009, 21:15:18 PM
Quote
Monday I go to Scotland with work for three days, back to normality.



Ger are you back to livingston and you want a game of poker.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on July 26, 2009, 11:49:16 AM
Ger and the wee man have officially left the building and are on their way home.  Their livers refused to travel with them.  Unfortunately, they"re not even suitable for feeding to our dog...or Bridget"s cat. 

On the plus side - despite a drunken agreement to give his shirt to Bridget last night, wee man has managed to leave with said shirt on his back.  Bridget is from County Kerry.  I suspect she will hunt down Jr. when she realises the shirt left with him.  You have been warned.

I was unable to delete "that one" from Ger"s phone.  He kept the phone glued to his pocket for the remainder of their stay...except when threatening to show locals the picture.  Sigh.  Have to rely on his kind nature as a good friend (enter guilt trip...lol) who wouldn"t DARE post a photo like that.   ;D

I"m still baffled by the beach thing.  In all fairness...you go to the beach to get wet wading in the ocean.  So why did everyone run for the hills (or under the trees) once the rain hit?!  You"re there to get wet anyway, FFS!  It was only a passing shower, yet once it had passed there was a mass exodus from the beach.  Seriously, WTF?!  Just glad we stuck it out for another bit after that.  Was good fun.

Had a great time with the Lads this week.  Pretty sure wee man will sleep through the rest of July.  He"s just not able for us, poor kid.  "Buh bye" and safe trip to the pair of ya!  xx
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 26, 2009, 17:35:51 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on July 26, 2009, 18:22:52 PM
Great to see you back Ger you were missed :)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Bigfella42 on July 26, 2009, 20:44:51 PM


Glenbeigh police make you go inside to have the lock in (really he did !!!)




;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on July 26, 2009, 21:09:43 PM



Glenbeigh police make you go inside to have the lock in (really he did !!!)




;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


It"s true.  I was absolutely stunned!  He was a lovely Lad.  We chatted to him on a couple of occasions throughout the week as he seem to like the place too.  

Lock in night - Outside with a few Lads and yer man pulls up in his police car, looks at me and shakes his head in disbelief.  So I point to the door and innocently say, "You want us to motor in?"  With a giggle and a cheeky grin he shakes his head yes and waves his hand as if to say, "And hurry up about it so you"re not seen!"

In we go, doors locked and ashtrays brought out around the bar.  All encouraged by the local policeman!  We loved that place.  lololololol
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on July 27, 2009, 17:17:10 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: ForthThistle on July 31, 2009, 20:59:27 PM
Duke,
        Let me know what you are doing next week.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 01, 2009, 10:16:16 AM
I awoke this morning with a Red Wine drum set between my ears after a heavy night of drinking and email ping pong with pokerstars after they disabled the wee man's account and accused me of having multiple accounts on their site.

I may have got a tad abusive, will send a nice email shortly.

Anyway, after I levered my tongue off the roof of my mouth with the back end of the toothbrush, I went downstairs in search of a refreshing fizzy drink.

I opened the fridge and the only soft drink in there was a large bottle of bitter lemon. No problem that'll do. I opened the bottle and necked a goodly drop...

FFS I nearly choked it was a concoction of Vodka/Bitter lemon, with more vodka than bitter lemon.

After the initial shock, it tasted quite pleasant, Oh Well that is today fecked and I should be very creative at the table tonight in the European on line.

Priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on August 01, 2009, 13:02:09 PM
LOL Ger, I had a bit of a red wine drum meself this morning.

Much better now tho, plenty of coffee!

Was good fun playing the tourneys last night and best of luck 2nite in the European :)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 02, 2009, 14:47:25 PM
Why is it that at weekends when you have the opportunity to have a lie in, you wake up at 7amon Saturday and Sunday  and can't get back to sleep.

Then you feel like Shiite all afternoon go to bed early on the Sunday and struggle to get up for work on the Monday.

It's an enigma.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: AMRN on August 02, 2009, 15:24:33 PM

.........go to bed early on the Sunday..........



yeah right!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 03, 2009, 17:38:09 PM
Went to the doctors last Friday because I had a bad pain in my back just below the shoulder. It was the walk in one in Arrow Park. Pretty good, walked in, was told I should have called for an appointment, (thought it was a walk in ???) took the receptionist"s sarcasm, persuaded her I needed to see a Doc,  waited 10 minutes and saw a doctor - job done.

Well he probed and prodded then sat down and ran though a set of health questions, weighed me and did a lung capacity testy thingy. He then basically gave me his diagnosis (he might have used longer words cos he"s a clever chap)

But it turns out that although my shoulder is a simple muscle tear, I am an Old, Fat, nicotine addicted alcoholic.

No shiite Sherlock.................


Priceless

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 03, 2009, 18:46:42 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Cyntaf on August 03, 2009, 19:48:15 PM
WP you mad eejiott :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 03, 2009, 19:57:49 PM

Gone tight (really I have) and I only play AQ, AK and QQ+ for the first hour (unless unraised in the BB of course) including folding to a raise with lesser hands in the blinds up to 18 left


sod that
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 03, 2009, 19:58:29 PM

I will not panic if even down to less than 10xBB (after the odd suck out)


and that
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 03, 2009, 20:01:24 PM

I will shove mercilessly on the final table bubble with most cards


Fixed my own post
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 03, 2009, 20:02:48 PM

I will reduce my range in the final 9 if in positions 6-9 (and recently I am reaching that consistently) and continue to be ultra aggressive with premium regardless of tourney position (no fancy trappy play)


fixed that bit as well
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on August 03, 2009, 20:02:59 PM


But it turns out that although my shoulder is a simple muscle tear, I am an Old, Fat, nicotine addicted alcoholic




Never any of the above, you are a youthful and cuddly person who enjoys life :)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 03, 2009, 20:04:47 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 03, 2009, 20:09:03 PM

But hey it's working at this present moment in time.


Sod that -- it"s party time - I am on stars 27 ($10) -- comon in the waters lovely
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 03, 2009, 20:20:24 PM
Normal service has been restored

PokerStars Game #31205592440: Tournament #184393978, $10+$1 Hold'em No Limit - Level III (25/50) - 2009/08/03 15:16:03 ET
Table "184393978 3" 9-max Seat #1 is the button
Seat 1: christof1111 (1400 in chips)
Seat 2: boson222 (250 in chips)
Seat 3: refill24 (2730 in chips)
Seat 4: pfc405 (2185 in chips)
Seat 5: duke3016 (1590 in chips)
Seat 6: Astronaut76 (1560 in chips)
Seat 7: Wally22 (1490 in chips)
Seat 9: BOLA25 (2295 in chips)
boson222: posts small blind 25
refill24: posts big blind 50
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to duke3016 [7c 7s]
pfc405: raises 50 to 100
duke3016: calls 100
Astronaut76: raises 150 to 250
Wally22: folds
BOLA25: folds
christof1111: folds
boson222: folds
refill24: calls 200
pfc405: calls 150
duke3016: calls 150
*** FLOP *** [3c 4d 7h]
refill24: checks
pfc405: checks
duke3016: checks
Astronaut76: bets 450
refill24: folds
pfc405: calls 450
duke3016: raises 890 to 1340 and is all-in
Astronaut76: calls 860 and is all-in
pfc405: calls 890
*** TURN *** [3c 4d 7h] [5d]
*** RIVER *** [3c 4d 7h 5d] [Th]
*** SHOW DOWN ***
pfc405: shows [Kh Ks] (a pair of Kings)
duke3016: shows [7c 7s] (three of a kind, Sevens)
duke3016 collected 60 from side pot
Astronaut76: shows [As Ah] (a pair of Aces)
duke3016 collected 4955 from main pot
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 5015 Main pot 4955. Side pot 60. | Rake 0
Board [3c 4d 7h 5d Th]
Seat 1: christof1111 (button) folded before Flop (didn"t bet)
Seat 2: boson222 (small blind) folded before Flop
Seat 3: refill24 (big blind) folded on the Flop
Seat 4: pfc405 showed [Kh Ks] and lost with a pair of Kings
Seat 5: duke3016 showed [7c 7s] and won (5015) with three of a kind, Sevens
Seat 6: Astronaut76 showed [As Ah] and lost with a pair of Aces
Seat 7: Wally22 folded before Flop (didn"t bet)
Seat 9: BOLA25 folded before Flop (didn"t bet)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 03, 2009, 22:09:32 PM
[  ] crushing the 27"s
[X] Pished
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 05, 2009, 23:39:32 PM
Cmon all -- Dawn and myself are crushing the low stakes (she is crushing more than me with a 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 2 misc. cashes and a seat - she runs like a goddess)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 06, 2009, 21:03:25 PM
Made the first break in the stars $80k gtd -- more by luck than judgement with a piddling 2,990 851/1294 blinds at 75/150 when we return

It could be a while...........
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 06, 2009, 21:39:13 PM
Double up 4.5k and still struggling FFS average is 7k
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 06, 2009, 22:10:17 PM
Break 2 -- FFS 4,800 -- blinds when we return 200/400/50 -- 434/520 --- I will be making a move shortly
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on August 06, 2009, 22:11:34 PM
railing wont say it in case I bok ya
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on August 06, 2009, 22:18:05 PM
Me too, but already told ya so apologies in advance for the bok.  lol
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on August 06, 2009, 22:18:50 PM
lol
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 06, 2009, 22:48:26 PM
pooh 309th 288 paid -- 10 10 no match for a rivered A to A K
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 06, 2009, 22:51:46 PM
Back to the old 27"s
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 08, 2009, 21:29:27 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 09, 2009, 18:14:15 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 16, 2009, 12:39:44 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 16, 2009, 12:56:45 PM
If you ever get a chance to visit the wonderful County of Clare please do so. There are a number of beautiful places to visit and one of them is Bunratty folk park.

The folk park began in the early "60s when a farmhouse had to be demolished to make way for a new runway at Shannon International Airport. The house was taken to Bunratty and reconstructed brick by brick. Over time more and more structures were added illustrating the dwelling places of poor labourers, wealthier farmers, trades people and lords and ladies. A schoolhouse (this was Belvoir School which was my mother's first teaching post), a church, a post office, shops and a pub were added to complete the village.

At Bunratty you hear more American accents than Irish because the folk park is primarily designed for visitors. The preservationists who have created Bunratty Folk Park and other interpretive centers in Ireland are passionate about the story they have to tell, and recreations and reenactments bring history to life and stimulate the imagination in a way that books and pictures cannot.

The same goes for the castle banquet at Bunratty. It"s primarily a show for visitors, but what a show! Who could pass up a chance to dine in a beautifully furnished banquet hall, mellowed by mead and serenaded by exquisitely costumed harpers, fiddlers and singers? The food is excellent and the music is superb.

Also, sample the banquets at Knappogue Castle and Dunguaire Castle and the music night at the Bunratty Corn Barn. A visit to the Lough Gur Stone Age Cente, the Craggaunowen Bronze Age Project, and the Brian Boru Heritage Centre in Killaloe is a must.

A trip along the Atlantic coast through the area known as the Burren is also a must. It is a carboniferous limestone landscape with thousands of varieties of rare flowers, including acres and acres of wild orchids. Botanists come here from all over the world to study the unique combination of Arctic, Alpine and Mediterranean plants.

Back in 17th Century, General Edmund Ludlow wrote to his boss, English dictator Oliver Cromwell, that the geography of the Burren was interfering with his favorite pastimes: He said

"It is a country where there is not enough water to drown a man, wood enough to hang one, nor earth enough to bury him,"

And no I am not sponsored by the Irish Tourist Board I just miss it sometimes more than others and today is one of them.

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 16, 2009, 13:21:06 PM
A few nostaglic pictures

The Abbey at Quin
(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/abbey-quin.jpg)

The Bunratty performers
(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/bunratty-castle.jpg)

A recontructed cottage at Bunratty
(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/cottage-interior.jpg)

Lough Fee with Devil"s Mother in the background
(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/devilsmother.jpg)

The fortifications at Dun Aenghus on Inis Mor
(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/fort-wall-b.jpg)

The Ogham Stone, in the village of Tully Cross, bears the earliest known writing in Ireland
(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/ogham-stone.jpg)

A megalithic tomb on the Burren
(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/tomb-burren.jpg)

View from the cliffs in Tully
(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/tully-ocean.jpg)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 16, 2009, 13:37:17 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on August 17, 2009, 11:07:26 AM
Huge fan of the Burren.  Not so much a fan of Bunratty.  Suppose if it weren"t so commercial I might appreciate it more.  Hearing so many Yank accents doesn"t help matters.  They do me head in!!!

Was thinking of you yesterday.  Went to the pub to watch the hurling semi final at 3:30.  Got home at 1:30am.  Great match.  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 17, 2009, 17:25:08 PM

Went to the pub to watch the hurling semi final at 3:30.  Got home at 1:30am.  Great match. 


There"s a swear word for that woman  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on August 17, 2009, 18:20:56 PM


Went to the pub to watch the hurling semi final at 3:30.  Got home at 1:30am.  Great match. 


There"s a swear word for that woman  ;D ;D


home?  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 17, 2009, 18:37:05 PM



Went to the pub to watch the hurling semi final at 3:30.  Got home at 1:30am.  Great match. 


There"s a swear word for that woman  ;D ;D


home?  ;D


stop it, I had snapped out of my melancholic reverie
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 18, 2009, 16:25:49 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 18, 2009, 16:55:25 PM
May I introduce you to some of my less illustrious ancestors.

Chuck Dickens-Smyth (1812-1870)
When Chuck failed to find a publisher for his missive, Tale of Two Toilets, he embarked on a nationwide tour of dancehalls researching ladies of the night. He died a happy man and it took three weeks to put the coffin lid on.

Ger Armstrong Custer. (1839-1876)

Great Great Great Uncle Ger established a reputation for out drinking all comers in every saloon in the West. He found himself under the command of Gen Philip Sheridan when he took a wrong turning out of Kelly's saloon and found himself at the Battle of Trevilian Station where he dodged certain death after a volley of shots directed at him missed, due to prompt evasion tactics on his part. He fell off his horse retrieving his dropped whiskey bottle..

Unfortunately his distinguished career was overshadowed by another wrong turning as he tried to take a shortcut through the valley of the little bighorn trying to make the bar before closing time. As the massed collection of Sioux, Cheyenne and Arapaho galloped towards him he uttered his final words.

"Feck it, I hope my underpants are clean"


More later.  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 18, 2009, 17:17:55 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 19, 2009, 18:42:27 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 19, 2009, 22:30:11 PM
Not that this house is gloating - far from it

But

Burnley 1 - 0 Man Utd


end of message
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 20, 2009, 17:59:26 PM
There had been whispers circulating about South African 800m prodigy Caster Semenya ever since she ran a spectacular 1 minute 56.72 seconds in a low-key meet last month.

Now not withstanding the result of this "gender" test I have one problem and that is with the timing.

In the case of a doping test, the media are not notified unless both "A" and "B" samples have tested positive. Until then there is silence. Yet here a cloud of official suspicion was being allowed to gather before anything had been proved. The IAAF even gave a fecking press conference 3 hours before the final.

Whether she is or whether she ain"t the timing sucks.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 21, 2009, 19:02:40 PM
The wee man got accepted into the University of his choice today........

There goes the disposable income then  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


edit: The Smyth boys are on the piss tonight -- watch out Chester
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Dewi_cool on August 21, 2009, 19:08:48 PM

The wee man got accepted into the University of his choice today........

There goes the disposable income then  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


edit: The Smyth boys are on the piss tonight -- watch out Chester


well done Ger bach ;)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on August 21, 2009, 19:35:45 PM
Absofrigginlutely DELIGHTED for him!!!  Have a great time Lads!!!   :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on August 21, 2009, 20:35:44 PM
Thats fantastic news, delighted for him!

Have fun tonight :)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on August 21, 2009, 20:37:44 PM
Fantastic, congrats Ger Jnr!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 22, 2009, 01:42:18 AM
Dolly Parton rocks -- end of
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 22, 2009, 11:43:56 AM
Wow - last night was a little heavy, but it was nice to take my two children out on the town. They were both ID"d at every door it was funny.

However nights like that are for the young not for old farts like me, but it was funny.

Washing and ironing for Nottingham is the order of the day..........
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 22, 2009, 13:41:38 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: jacklevel06 on August 22, 2009, 22:49:13 PM

The wee man got accepted into the University of his choice today........

There goes the disposable income then  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


edit: The Smyth boys are on the piss tonight -- watch out Chester
Nice one wee man
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 23, 2009, 12:16:01 PM
Sigh another one gone - just cos he"s the son of a Billonaire there was no call to shattter my hopes. She got maried in Clare as well.

"Doonbeg and Miltown Malbay were transformed into a celebrity-watchers' paradise today for Ireland's society wedding of the year.

Singer Andrea Corr kept stockbroker husband Brett Des and a star-studded guest list that included Bono and golfer Padraig Harrington waiting a nail-biting 30 minutes reports The Press Association. At risk of breaking wedding etiquette, U2 frontman Bono almost stole the show as he pulled up with wife Ali in a sleek Italian Maserati sports car."


[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRNiuRKGmFI[/youtube]
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 23, 2009, 18:28:22 PM
Playing the league game tonight and - shock horror - checked the fridge - not enough beer FFS only 14 bottles left, and I"ve had a couple so I can"t drive.

Panic.

Carl (Shogun) is my next door neighbour and called in for a chat - turns out he is off to the shops.

Panic over

Phew
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on August 23, 2009, 19:53:46 PM
Carl"s a good guy :)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on August 23, 2009, 20:32:48 PM
Have I taught you NOTHING?!  Pre-planing FTW or know yer neighbours...lol
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 24, 2009, 09:44:38 AM
Many of you may know one of the earlier members of Chezger Ian Cook. Unfortunately after a brave fight against cancer Ian passed away last night.

It was with great sadness that I received the news this morning and life's frailty is a constant worry. Ian was a strong man and he leaves behind a loving family. 

His humour and his rugby stories, along with his aggressive form of poker will be greatly missed

RIP Ian.


(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/ian.JPG)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on August 24, 2009, 09:47:15 AM
Sorry to hear that Ger.  RIP Ian
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on August 24, 2009, 10:00:29 AM
Sorry to hear that Ger. RIP Ian.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 24, 2009, 17:46:32 PM
The next generation of young guns -- live from Chezer http://www.chezger.co.uk/html/webcam.html (http://www.chezger.co.uk/html/webcam.html)

Oh and Carl
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on August 24, 2009, 20:50:10 PM
have fun!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 25, 2009, 12:24:57 PM
Now the week's itinerary will have to be set and I have one little problem with it

Wed 26th
Drive to the Airport to pick up Dawn @ approx 5pm
Chezger home game that night  - liver alert (webcam will be active)

Thursday 27th
Crawl out of bed, prise tongue off the roof of my mouth with a toothbrush, honk up half a kilo of lung and face the day.
Drive to Nottingham, check into hotel, have a substantial meal (anyone for a meet up?), head for DTD
Play the PLO with panache, skill, and patience
End up hopefully back in the hotel at some stage safe in the knowledge that my winnings are on their way to BSQ.

Friday 28th
Rinse and repeat the crawl out of bed sequence
Get in the right frame of mind for the main event with a 10 mile jog
Eat a hearty meal
Play the ME with panache, skill, and patience
Make day 2 and end up back at the hotel.

Saturday 29th
Rinse and repeat the crawl out of bed sequence

Now here is my real dilemma. A Chezger member is having a stag do and the Muppet is holding it in Nottingham. I have regged for the DTD £50 but that is looking like a bad choice. Will I meet up with the lads, probably, will I be sober at 8pm, you figure.

So de-reg or just meet up with the guys in the afternoon and drink orange juice. Views please.

Sunday  30th
Rinse and repeat the crawl out of bed sequence
Decide whether to sell the HORSE seat or multi table (Hey a guys gotta hope)
Hit DTD make my mind up and play with panache, skill, and patience

Monday 31st
Rinse and repeat the crawl out of bed sequence
Get Dawn to the airport for 1pm
Go home and quietly fade into oblivion

Priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 25, 2009, 14:51:16 PM
Is John Beddington, the UK government"s chief scientific adviser, a clever man or is he a harbringer of doom - discuss

The clever man points to research indicating that by 2030 "a whole series of events come together":

   * The world"s population will rise from 6bn to 8bn (33%)
   * Demand for food will increase by 50%
   * Demand for water will increase by 30%
   * Demand for energy will increase by 50%

will I start to panic
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on August 25, 2009, 16:50:27 PM
I"m bringing the milk thistle.  Your liver will thank me for it.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on August 25, 2009, 17:16:23 PM
Quote
Get in the right frame of mind for the main event with a 10 mile jog


Me thinx this is a way for Ger to gauge who reads his posts closest  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: rubertoe on August 25, 2009, 17:27:30 PM

Quote
Get in the right frame of mind for the main event with a 10 mile jog


Me thinx this is a way for Ger to gauge who reads his posts closest  ;D



I thought that this was what ger was refering too when he said he had a problem with part of his itinery!!

As for the saturday dilema -- I dont really think that there is a dilema - we all know what will happen - Duke will end up going out - avoiding the orange juice and heading back to DTD for an 8pm start!!!! ;D ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 25, 2009, 19:34:20 PM
Sigh -- nearly three hours into the $11 deep stack and I am on average stack -- my patience is being tested  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 25, 2009, 20:00:46 PM
I have come to the conclusion that I am not cut out for this stupid game, I have no patience - None

still in the deep stack just under average chips 236/493 -- I feel like animal in the muppets -- "I gonna go man"


I will do damage
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: ForthThistle on August 25, 2009, 20:06:58 PM
Keep it going Ger..

Ralin Now.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 25, 2009, 20:28:57 PM
10 10 v Q Q (QQ was low stack) -- hurt
set of Q"s v Set of Q"s bigger kicker (same guy as well)

[  ] now on 5k -- I will survive


Edit: ooops shoved 55 -- hit AA -- must improve patience factor - my chips are yours at DTD
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 25, 2009, 20:35:28 PM
OK in preparation for the WCOAP HORSE I have now entered the $33 HORSE on stars -- lets see how I do

If I do Shiite -- there might be a seat for sale  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on August 25, 2009, 21:02:07 PM
You"ll do grand.  Just keep yer head and you"ll keep the chippies too!  Pull it together man!!!  You proper owned the young Lads last night, so no excuses tonight.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 26, 2009, 01:17:31 AM
The Devil Went Down To Georgia -- awesome -- end of


EDIT -- sorry C&W night in my house at the moment
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 26, 2009, 01:38:21 AM
Obv a pleb - went to see Tchaikovsky - 1812 overture (Part 1) played by the liverpool philharmonic

awesome

but the conductor is a little superflous - they were all looking at their sheets FFS

no attention was being paid to the small asian gentleman

I can wave a stick -- is it my new vocation
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 26, 2009, 11:25:51 AM
(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/wcoap_1.JPG)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 26, 2009, 11:44:37 AM
(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/wcoap_2.JPG)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 26, 2009, 20:38:19 PM
Dawn has arrived - mini home game about to start

Dawn
Me
Wee man
Carl
Scotty

WEBCAM (http://www.chezger.co.uk/html/webcam.html)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: SirPercival on August 26, 2009, 20:55:04 PM

Dawn has arrived - mini home game about to start

Dawn
Me
Wee man
Carl
Scotty

WEBCAM (http://www.chezger.co.uk/html/webcam.html)


updates and chip counts please  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on August 26, 2009, 23:12:07 PM
Update - I"m out.  They"re not.  lolololololol  Chip counts?  Watch the web feed and count em yer own damn self!  Pizzas on order despite the HUGE Chinese at 6:30.  Has to be done.  Soakage required.  Oh yeah...forgot the milk thistle too.  Sigh.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on August 26, 2009, 23:19:20 PM
Wee man will never qualify as a pitcher for an American baseball team as he"d miss a barn door from two feet away.  With a copious number of out....he IS out!  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 26, 2009, 23:25:14 PM
Second food break FFS
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on August 26, 2009, 23:40:16 PM
It"s a rootin tootin country music pizza break.  We"ve done a bit of dancing...if you want to call it that.  We"ve eaten pizza...with more garlic than should be allowed by law.  And we"ve eaten garlic bread for good measure...as ya would do.  Will need to eat a gallon of toothpaste after this!  

Clock on and play has resumed.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on August 26, 2009, 23:50:58 PM
Karate kid Sr. is out!  

And we"re heads up....mostly.  Carl (Shogun) vs. Ger. 

Both fish. 

That explains it. 

All the good players are out already and our two donkeys fight for the whopping, winner takes all prize of £50.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on August 26, 2009, 23:55:02 PM
Holy Mary, Mother of God...and all the saints!!!  The 2 Lads just CHOPPED it!!!  Well...mostly.  Carl was chipleader and carried £30 whilst Ger got £20.  Good thing as he paid wee man"s entry.  He"s even stevens for the first round and Carl up £20.  But that"s about to change.  Was only keeping them on their toes the first round.  Going to own the lot this time...proberly.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on August 27, 2009, 00:05:28 AM
LOL you get em Dawn, go get em hun!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on August 27, 2009, 00:08:51 AM
They have me doing live updates, drinking, smoking and TRYING to play at the same time.  Just as well.  Want them to think my mind isn"t on the game.  Multi tasking FTW!

Ger vs. Ger but I"m too lazy to spell out the board.  Wee man spite calls with 2 pair to da"s flush on the river.  Never good to win hands like that so early.  Trust me.  Play dead til ya kill em off.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on August 27, 2009, 00:19:47 AM
I was just well and truly proper OWNED!!!!!  No need for details....it was just plain ugly. 

Sigh.  Go on then.  I"ll tell ya. 

AA8 on flop and I have 10 8...premium if ya ask me.  Checked around by sb, bb and ger....need I say more so far?  Anyway, Karate Sr. is on the button and has the cheek to call me bet. 

Turn A.  NO fecking way he has the A, right?  So I bet..................he calls.  Sigh. 

River a 9.  I bet a nice chunk (don"t expect amounts tonight and feck off if you were hoping for it) - he mini raises me!  Well what else to do only call?  Karate Kid Sr. turns over the 8.  So do I with a smile on me face.  Then he turns over the case A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don"t mind yer 50p.  Somebody owes me some bloody luck!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on August 27, 2009, 00:38:33 AM

Holy Mary, Mother of God...and all the saints!!!  The 2 Lads just CHOPPED it!!!  Well...mostly.  Carl was chipleader and carried £30 whilst Ger got £20.  Good thing as he paid wee man"s entry.  He"s even stevens for the first round and Carl up £20.  But that"s about to change.  Was only keeping them on their toes the first round.  Going to own the lot this time...proberly.


FMP

Apparently they proper chopped £25/£25.  So Da is down a fiver and Carl is only up £15.  Ah well.  Never said we were playing the WSOP, so don"t expect premium updates.  lol
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on August 27, 2009, 00:45:46 AM
And already I"m short stack.  Tis grand.  Giving them a false sense of security.  Just waiting to deliver the killer hand to em.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on August 27, 2009, 01:28:20 AM
Still in....but so are they.  This is NOT going according to plan.  Sighhhhhhhhh.

Chip Counts

Scotty - has a couple of pinks, a couple of yellows and a red.

Wee Man - has more pinks, 1 yellow, a red good few blacks and the odd green

Carl - has a mountain of greens, a good few blues, decent stack of black, maybe 5 pinks a yellow and a red

Ger - has a ginormous pile of blacks, good few blues, a few greens and 3 of them big red feckers

Me -  I"m still in.  DId I not mention that?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on August 27, 2009, 01:51:24 AM
This reporter is happy to report she was NOT the first out in sit n go 2!!!  Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!  Scotty out and gone home...UL.  Sorry Scotty, but it"s the little things in life that keep this Chicka happy.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on August 27, 2009, 01:55:23 AM
And unbeknownst to me...Carl is OUT!!!  No feckin clue what happened.  We"re down to 3.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on August 27, 2009, 02:00:09 AM
Ger raises pre for 2100, Laxie insta pushes for an extra 1075 and wee man folds.

Ger has 7 5 os...as ya would do

Laxie has j 8 os...as ya would do

Wee man folded A 6 os...as ya would do

And Laxie spikes the J to double up!  Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on August 27, 2009, 02:04:40 AM
Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  In a shocking development, Ger knocks the yank out with... 5 5.  He raised, she pushed with 7 8 os (as ya would do) and he had the cheek to call!  What was he thinking?!  

And the very next hand Ger beats wee man heads up.  Pics to follow.  Only way you"d believe it!  lololololol
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: SirPercival on August 27, 2009, 09:15:16 AM

Still in....but so are they.  This is NOT going according to plan.  Sighhhhhhhhh.

Chip Counts

Scotty - has a couple of pinks, a couple of yellows and a red.

Wee Man - has more pinks, 1 yellow, a red good few blacks and the odd green

Carl - has a mountain of greens, a good few blues, decent stack of black, maybe 5 pinks a yellow and a red

Ger - has a ginormous pile of blacks, good few blues, a few greens and 3 of them big red feckers

Me -  I"m still in.  DId I not mention that?


Classic post.
I think Leigh should adopt this approach for the APAT updates.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on August 28, 2009, 14:56:17 PM
NOTHING HAPPENED!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on August 28, 2009, 14:56:56 PM
Honest.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 31, 2009, 21:13:31 PM
After last weekend I am off the drink for at least today, drinking clementine juice at the moment..

Normal service will be resumed tomorrow
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on August 31, 2009, 21:14:21 PM

After last weekend I am off the drink for at least today, drinking clementine juice at the moment..

Normal service will be resumed tomorrow


Wimp.

I"m off to the pub.   ;)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on August 31, 2009, 21:37:30 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: SirPercival on August 31, 2009, 21:56:43 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: gerry5421 on August 31, 2009, 22:19:46 PM


Still in....but so are they.  This is NOT going according to plan.  Sighhhhhhhhh.

Chip Counts

Scotty - has a couple of pinks, a couple of yellows and a red.

Wee Man - has more pinks, 1 yellow, a red good few blacks and the odd green

Carl - has a mountain of greens, a good few blues, decent stack of black, maybe 5 pinks a yellow and a red

Ger - has a ginormous pile of blacks, good few blues, a few greens and 3 of them big red feckers

Me -  I"m still in.  DId I not mention that?


Classic post.
I think Leigh should adopt this approach for the APAT updates.


yea agreed lol
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: gerry5421 on August 31, 2009, 22:20:39 PM

NOTHING HAPPENED!


explain the PJ thing then
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on August 31, 2009, 22:30:53 PM


NOTHING HAPPENED!


explain the PJ thing then


Sigh!  Do you honestly think the PJ"s would be on if anything HAD happened?!  Sigh.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on August 31, 2009, 23:00:45 PM


After last weekend I am off the drink for at least today, drinking clementine juice at the moment..

Normal service will be resumed tomorrow


Wimp.

I"m off to the pub.   ;)


PS  Bad beat.  Margaret just called in sick.  Home for the night...sigh.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 01, 2009, 19:07:57 PM
I purchased my trip to Las Vegas a couple of months ago and have been counting the days since. I am flying out of Manchester via Philadelphia on November 14th and returning on November 21st.

I come home from DTD to find an email in the inbox from Expedia

"Quote"
Dear Mr Smyth

The airline has notified us of a Major schedule change regarding your flights.
In order to discuss this schedule change and help you find alternatives if the change is unsuitable, please call us on + 44 (0) 203 355 0645 (normal costs apply) and one of our agents will be happy to help.


"Major" FFS am I now flying out of Aberdeen via Istanbul.

I ring them and I get a call centre somewhere. I seriously could not make head nor tail of what the changes were, she rattled off flight numbers and times faster than Usain Bolt on speed...... cue conversation

"Can you email me the changes please" says I
"Do you agree to the changes" says she
"I don't understand the changes, can you email them so I can read them" says I

Cue another five minutes whilst she tells me the changes and I got 5% of the conversation because she did the impossible - she speeded up and was doing 1,000 words a minute.....

"Can you email me the changes please" says I
"Do you agree to the changes" says she

The only way I was going to find out what the changes were was to agree it seems

"Yes I agree" says I
"You agree to the changes?" says she
"Yes" sighs I
"Email sent and itinerary updated" says she "Have a good day"

10 minutes later the email arrives and it seems that the only change is a later take off on the Philadelphia/Vegas leg

FFS couldn't they have emailed the change and asked for a confirmation back that it was ok it's still 2 months 1 week 6 days (who's counting) until I go instead of making me call and be confused

Priceless....
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Noe on September 01, 2009, 19:18:33 PM
Sure they could, I work in IT and it sounds fairly staright forward development.  Of course then some "excellent" quality call centre representative would be out of a job!   :o
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 01, 2009, 19:29:07 PM

Sure they could, I work in IT and it sounds fairly staright forward development.  Of course then some
"excellent"
quality
call centre representative
would be out of a job!   :o


Hmmm words in bold are at odds with each other (spot the odd one out)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 01, 2009, 21:18:08 PM
Bad night for telly -- bored and sober -- FFS what is sky city all about -- (Discovery 242)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 01, 2009, 21:59:33 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 01, 2009, 22:43:20 PM
FFS Ian Wright in a football behind bars documentary -- that format has been done to death  ::)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: pables on September 02, 2009, 00:22:24 AM

Bad night for telly -- bored and sober -- FFS what is sky city all about -- (Discovery 242)


Just Lol
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Chipaccrual on September 02, 2009, 12:22:34 PM
Happy 3000th your Dukeness.

I raise a glass to you in your pursuit of that Kinboshi bloke.

He"s in your sights now.   ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on September 02, 2009, 12:33:04 PM
Happy 3000th Duke!

(Where are those Duke-style smileys when you need them??)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 02, 2009, 17:28:18 PM
When the right people get on the case, the job gets done.

email today

Dear Sir

Please accept our apologies for any inconvenience caused. The funds have now been credited to your Blue Square Sports Betting Account.

Kind regards

James
Security and Processing
Blue Square


Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 02, 2009, 17:38:11 PM

FFS Ian Wright in a football behind bars documentary -- that format has been done to death  ::)



OMG what a naff post for 3,000 --- (http://fc04.deviantart.com/fs12/i/2006/285/1/b/Rolling_on_the_Floor_Laughing_by_Xikaze.gif)

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 02, 2009, 20:38:41 PM

When the right people get on the case, the job gets done.

email today

Dear Sir

Please accept our apologies for any inconvenience caused. The funds have now been credited to your Blue Square Sports Betting Account.

Kind regards

James
Security and Processing
Blue Square





Soooooooooo I decided to use (or abuse it) played $30+3 10 handed came third for $60

Then played another and won it for $150

Karma

priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 02, 2009, 20:46:44 PM
N.b. -- I"m dangerous sober (http://fc06.deviantart.com/fs42/f/2009/078/1/0/Tard_Rocket_by_madb0y.gif)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 02, 2009, 21:39:41 PM
A clementine is the hesperidium of a variety of mandarin orange (Citrus reticulata), named in 1902. A clementine is an oblate, small citrus fruit. The exterior is a deep orange colour with a smooth, glossy appearance. Clementines separate easily into eight to fourteen juicy segments. They are very easy to peel, like a tangerine, but are almost always seedless. Clementines are, thus, also known as seedless tangerines.


































and drinking two cartons of the fecking stuff it makes you shiite through the eye of a needle -- Feck it I"m going back on the drink
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on September 02, 2009, 22:59:53 PM
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  Welcome home honey.  xx
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 03, 2009, 18:57:24 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: gerry5421 on September 03, 2009, 19:41:23 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 03, 2009, 19:41:58 PM
Once every now and again a film comes along that you can watch more than once, in fact a few times.

It has humour, action or nosalgia.

one is the "Quiet Man" with John Wayne and Maureen O"Hara

a second is "Independence Day" which I am watching at the moment.


Discuss
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on September 04, 2009, 00:52:18 AM
Ive seen Independence Day twice this week, its one I can watch over and over, gr8 film
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 04, 2009, 17:23:07 PM
In my life I have travelled to a fair few places around the world and survived. However airports were never my finest hour. (see below for my first passport picture and you can maybe guess why the first 10 years were the hardest).

But in reality the airport experience is leaving me increasingly stressed and frustrated with airline collapses, delays, lost luggage, confusion, cancellations, lengthy queues and strict security procedures seriously fecking with my patience. Confusing signage and boards and airport parking also get right up my nose.

But it"s not just the airport experience that causes me problems at a time when I am meant to be heading away from the stresses of everyday life. I fret about getting all documentation together, I worry about arriving where I need to be on time and getting anyone else organised messes with my head.

What is so hard about shortening queues, reducing delays, speeding up the time it takes to go through security, better airline organisation and more seating areas at the airport.

I know that airport frustrations can"t always be avoided, and I should get everything together a few days in advance to ensure that I leave ample time to get where I need to be. However the people that run the airports could meet me halfway with courtesy and politeness and not talk to me as if they are chewing a wasp.

In this day and age of cost cutting and cut throat competition good customer facing manners cost feck all and go a long way. I am so fed up with some of the regular so called budget airlines that I now pay the extra few pound to fly with other mainstream carriers.

Rant over.......

(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/passport_crop.jpg)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Swinebag on September 04, 2009, 19:48:32 PM
Lord Lucan is alive!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: KarmaDope on September 04, 2009, 20:27:45 PM

The Yorkshire Ripper is alive and out of jail!!


FYP Rob
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Swinebag on September 04, 2009, 23:20:44 PM


The Yorkshire Ripper is alive and out of jail!!


FYP Rob


LOLquality
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 05, 2009, 19:04:46 PM
I was flying from Liverpool to Cork to take part in the Poker game in Killarney and I boarded the plane and as usual make my way straight for the emergency exit seats for the extra legroom. I get comfortable and await the take off. Across the aisle from me was a couple in their twilight years and they looked a little nervous.

The plane taxied onto the runway and powered up and shot up the runway. Approximately halfway up the runway the pilot slams on the anchors and the plane shudders to a halt.

"Sorry Ladies & Gentlemen a warning light has appeared on the console and we will have to taxi back to the terminal to get it checked out"

Fair enough, better safe than sorry.

We pulled up and were told to stay in our seats. After a while a young lad in a Hi-Viz appeared and walked down  the aisle and stood in front of the elderly couple.

"Excuse me please would you mind stepping into the aisle" says he

Well the couple did a comical double take to each other and meekly got up and stood in the aisle.

The lad rapped the door a few times and grunted "Looks fine to me" and walked away. Well,  the couple sat back down as the doors were closed again and the plane taxied off again.

Well their faces were a picture and the Lady said something to her husband that I could not hear, but half the plane heard his reply.

"Never mind dear at least we will be first out"

Priceless

Note; The pilot aborted the second take off as well and we had to go back disembark and wait 4 hours for a replacement plane.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Swinebag on September 06, 2009, 11:37:18 AM


Note; The pilot aborted the second take off as well and we had to go back disembark and wait 4 hours for a replacement plane.



Just think of all that money saved at the poker table
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 06, 2009, 21:03:47 PM
As of now I officially have retired from playing poker - I am so bad at it it"s embarrasing and when I am ahead (or in most cases behind to a speclative before the flop) I always get done. no regrets, its been fun - now taking up needlework and embroidery
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: SirPercival on September 06, 2009, 21:12:13 PM

As of now I officially have retired from playing poker - I am so bad at it it"s embarrasing and when I am ahead (or in most cases behind to a speclative before the flop) I always get done. no regrets, its been fun - now taking up needlework and embroidery


I would take up drinking, much more fun.
you should try it sometime.  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: gerry5421 on September 06, 2009, 23:19:23 PM


As of now I officially have retired from playing poker - I am so bad at it it"s embarrasing and when I am ahead (or in most cases behind to a speclative before the flop) I always get done. no regrets, its been fun - now taking up needlework and embroidery


I would take up drinking, much more fun.
you should try it sometime.  ;D


lol drink then EARLY to bed  hang on did that not happen in nottingham
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 08, 2009, 18:01:46 PM
I never stopped to consider what would happen if I'd chosen a different path. I enjoy my work and a large part of it is Warehouse Management Systems Support.

There's an uneasy friendship between being a single point of contact and anonymity; living on the verge of corporate recognition and total isolation. Do we all think of what we do as such a noble pursuit? Do we go to work thinking that we will save the world?

As I sat at my desk mindlessly plucking at my keyboard, the phone rings.  I pick it up and it is the Service Desk.

"There is a call in your queue and the user is chasing" The anonymous female voice was the sort of off-key, grating sound that you could only tolerate in small doses. I wondered what it must be like to be married to that voice. Knowing that every conversation is a form of Chinese water torture. Could there be someone out there who finds that sound bearable? Melodious even?

I fired up the Service application, the text in the call was as usual Jibberish so I called the person who raised the call

"This is IT Supply Chain how can I help you?" says I

"Hi, I can't see the box on the screen I usually see, can you tell me what I'm doing wrong?

What you're doing wrong is calling me as if I live to figure out what kind of crap you have done to get to this point. As if without any detailed information, I will be able to diagnose your problem and present a one-button solution that will make everyone happy.

"What application transaction are you in?" says I

As they prattle on, instead of answering my question, they go on and on about what they want to do, as if they expect me to have super powers and I can see their screen. They keep talking as if to provide enough information to allow me to do their work for them.

"I just realized what your problem is." says I,

"Page down" says I

"Oh there it is"

Priceless..... I love my job
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 08, 2009, 20:26:19 PM
WOW watching Coast on BBC2 and the Forth Road Bridge is rusting and will fall down in 13 years time.

ooops well built then
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 09, 2009, 17:41:02 PM
Our company adopts a charity and we are currently supporting the Alder Hay Imagine Appeal. Whatever the employees raise through events and raffles is then matched by the company. Last year we raised £500,000 which was then matched by the company.

This year there have been a few bizarre stunts but none more so than the one today. Now I know a few of you on here have run marathons and climbed mountains but have you ever tried to "travel" 1.5 miles on your hands and knees whilst having a "Tortoise Shell" on your back.

Jason Hudson managed this today in 1 hour and 45 minutes raising a goodly amount for our chosen charity.

Big up to the man.

(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/09092009003.jpg)
(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/09092009004.jpg)
(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/09092009005.jpg)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Chipaccrual on September 09, 2009, 17:44:26 PM
I"m shellshocked.  What a turtley good thing to do for charity.   ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Dewi_cool on September 09, 2009, 18:31:50 PM
he went too fast
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Cyntaf on September 09, 2009, 21:24:02 PM
At least they"ll be shelling out to a good cause?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on September 09, 2009, 22:09:58 PM
Top effort, but he"ll need some of that tort ice for his knees.

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 10, 2009, 18:32:38 PM
I had a meeting with my IT Director today and was asked.....

"Are all your duck"s in a row"


FFS WTF is that all about

(http://fc00.deviantart.com/fs9/i/2006/061/1/d/Confused_Gir__by_manicsfan.gif)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Honeybadg on September 10, 2009, 20:35:13 PM

I had a meeting with my IT Director today and was asked.....

"Are all your duck"s in a row"


FFS WTF is that all about

(http://fc00.deviantart.com/fs9/i/2006/061/1/d/Confused_Gir__by_manicsfan.gif)


... was he/she carrying a gun?

L
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 10, 2009, 20:53:05 PM
My Broadband feels the same sometimes

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/8248056.stm (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/8248056.stm)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 11, 2009, 10:27:29 AM
Right a quick whip round the house, iron a couple of shirts, fill the car with juice, pick Laxie up from the airport, drive to Leeds, park the car till Monday, get hammered and lose another weekend.

Have  missed anything ???
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on September 11, 2009, 10:32:29 AM

Have I missed anything ???


Just the "I"

Have a good weekend.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on September 11, 2009, 12:44:04 PM

Right a quick whip round the house, iron a couple of shirts, fill the car with juice, pick Laxie up from the airport, drive to Leeds, park the car till Monday, get hammered and lose another weekend.

Have  missed anything ???


My coat!!!!  Please and thank you.   ;D

At Cork airport.  Have just done the whole security thing, but the feckers made me take my knee high boots off before going through the metal detectors.  Sighhhhhhhhh.  I dressed for my night out tonight hoping to save time.  Now there"s some interesting CCTV footage of Laxie"s attempt to be "lady like" whilst falling out of her top.  Marvellous. 

Ah well, at the bar now as I"m pretty sure I get to keep the boots on from here.  Corona count - on me second.  Light weight.  Almost there Ger!  Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Bigfella42 on September 14, 2009, 00:52:55 AM

I had a meeting with my IT Director today and was asked.....

"Are all your duck"s in a row"


FFS WTF is that all about

(http://fc00.deviantart.com/fs9/i/2006/061/1/d/Confused_Gir__by_manicsfan.gif)


To get one"s ducks in a row essentially means to ensure all of the small details or elements are accounted for and in their proper positions before embarking on a new project. A defense attorney, for example, may spend much of his or her time making sure all of the evidence and witnesses are presented in a precise, effective order. A salesman may get all of his or her "ducks in a row" by rehearsing his sales presentation beforehand. When a person is fully prepared for any eventuality and has every element in place, he or she can indeed be said to have his or her ducks in a row.

Example - if your fridge is stocked with beer before a home game, you could answer yes to the question. Now do you understand???
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MintTrav on September 14, 2009, 14:06:43 PM


I had a meeting with my IT Director today and was asked.....

"Are all your duck"s in a row"


FFS WTF is that all about

(http://fc00.deviantart.com/fs9/i/2006/061/1/d/Confused_Gir__by_manicsfan.gif)


To get one"s ducks in a row essentially means to ensure all of the small details or elements are accounted for and in their proper positions before embarking on a new project. A defense attorney, for example, may spend much of his or her time making sure all of the evidence and witnesses are presented in a precise, effective order. A salesman may get all of his or her "ducks in a row" by rehearsing his sales presentation beforehand. When a person is fully prepared for any eventuality and has every element in place, he or she can indeed be said to have his or her ducks in a row.

Example - if your fridge is stocked with beer before a home game, you could answer yes to the question. Now do you understand???



The phrase derives from an ancient Chinese dynasty whereby the rich would house their concubines in one house but the very rich could afford separate houses for each and would be proud to show that they had several adjoining individual houses occupied by a single concubine each; literally having all their concubines in a row. This phrase then passed down the centuries even when the original practice no longer occurred. The northern Chinese word for concubine is similar to the word for duke and was mistranslated as such when the English came to China. At some point duke became corrupted to duck, leaving us with the irritating cliche beloved by brain-dead middle managers today, ala singing from the same hymnsheet, thinking outside the box, heads-up (origin unknown), etc. Perhaps your Director was aware of the duke connection and was enjoying a little play-on-words at your expense.

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: AMRN on September 14, 2009, 15:12:22 PM



I had a meeting with my IT Director today and was asked.....

"Are all your duck"s in a row"


FFS WTF is that all about

(http://fc00.deviantart.com/fs9/i/2006/061/1/d/Confused_Gir__by_manicsfan.gif)


To get one"s ducks in a row essentially means to ensure all of the small details or elements are accounted for and in their proper positions before embarking on a new project. A defense attorney, for example, may spend much of his or her time making sure all of the evidence and witnesses are presented in a precise, effective order. A salesman may get all of his or her "ducks in a row" by rehearsing his sales presentation beforehand. When a person is fully prepared for any eventuality and has every element in place, he or she can indeed be said to have his or her ducks in a row.

Example - if your fridge is stocked with beer before a home game, you could answer yes to the question. Now do you understand???



The phrase derives from an ancient Chinese dynasty whereby the rich would house their concubines in one house but the very rich could afford separate houses for each and would be proud to show that they had several adjoining individual houses occupied by a single concubine each; literally having all their concubines in a row. This phrase then passed down the centuries even when the original practice no longer occurred. The northern Chinese word for concubine is similar to the word for duke and was mistranslated as such when the English came to China. At some point duke became corrupted to duck, leaving us with the irritating cliche beloved by brain-dead middle managers today, ala singing from the same hymnsheet, thinking outside the box, heads-up (origin unknown), etc. Perhaps your Director was aware of the duke connection and was enjoying a little play-on-words at your expense.




so, is Ger a concubine? or a corrupted duck?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Chipaccrual on September 14, 2009, 15:27:37 PM




I had a meeting with my IT Director today and was asked.....

"Are all your duck"s in a row"


FFS WTF is that all about

(http://fc00.deviantart.com/fs9/i/2006/061/1/d/Confused_Gir__by_manicsfan.gif)


To get one"s ducks in a row essentially means to ensure all of the small details or elements are accounted for and in their proper positions before embarking on a new project. A defense attorney, for example, may spend much of his or her time making sure all of the evidence and witnesses are presented in a precise, effective order. A salesman may get all of his or her "ducks in a row" by rehearsing his sales presentation beforehand. When a person is fully prepared for any eventuality and has every element in place, he or she can indeed be said to have his or her ducks in a row.

Example - if your fridge is stocked with beer before a home game, you could answer yes to the question. Now do you understand???



The phrase derives from an ancient Chinese dynasty whereby the rich would house their concubines in one house but the very rich could afford separate houses for each and would be proud to show that they had several adjoining individual houses occupied by a single concubine each; literally having all their concubines in a row. This phrase then passed down the centuries even when the original practice no longer occurred. The northern Chinese word for concubine is similar to the word for duke and was mistranslated as such when the English came to China. At some point duke became corrupted to duck, leaving us with the irritating cliche beloved by brain-dead middle managers today, ala singing from the same hymnsheet, thinking outside the box, heads-up (origin unknown), etc. Perhaps your Director was aware of the duke connection and was enjoying a little play-on-words at your expense.




so, is Ger a concubine? or a corrupted duck?



After the weekend just gone, I refuse to answer that question.   ;)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 14, 2009, 15:53:49 PM
At home - not too good - will sleep for the rest of the day
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on September 14, 2009, 16:20:50 PM

At home - not too good - will sleep for the rest of the day


that"ll be a wasted duck then!  :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: janc on September 14, 2009, 19:47:29 PM
Where I live everyone is "Duck"
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on September 14, 2009, 23:25:54 PM
A whole new level was hit this week-end.  Dunno.  Don"t think it can ever be topped.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Chipaccrual on September 15, 2009, 10:10:11 AM

A whole new level was hit this week-end.  Dunno.  Don"t think it can ever be topped.


Excuse me, I think I am going to have to ask you to leave this thread.   ;)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on September 15, 2009, 10:38:43 AM


A whole new level was hit this week-end.  Dunno.  Don"t think it can ever be topped.


Excuse me, I think I am going to have to ask you to leave this thread.   ;)


Sigh.  Just sigh!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 15, 2009, 19:25:55 PM
[X] I am alive
[  ] I am well
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on September 16, 2009, 07:54:27 AM

[X] I am alive
[  ] I am well


Get well soon xx
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on September 16, 2009, 08:30:27 AM


[X] I am alive
[  ] I am well


Get well soon xx


Self inflicted IMO.  Get over it ya slacker!   ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 19, 2009, 19:06:01 PM
Arrived in Scotland Friday fully recovered from the Leeds indulgence. Leave the depot at 16:00 in the bar by 16:15 a few bevvies later and the wedding that was in the hotel kicked off at 11:30pm. Place was crawling with cops as a few protagonists were lobbed into the back of a riot wagon.

Good craic for a while, made me feel right at home. Can"t have a wedding without a row.

Working all weekend with 5am starts - no good for the body. Nipping across to Glasgow on Wednesday to do some training with our service centre. That should be good as my empathy level is really low trying to teach people.

Work will get in the way and I don"t think I will be able take in any poker, never mind it pays the bills.

Back to Chez Ger on Thursday
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 25, 2009, 17:52:24 PM
The wedding Party - expanded version

Just back from a week working in Sunny/Windy/Rainy/Foggy Scotland and it was a buy week.

I arrived in the depot last Friday at 12:00 and had a few things to do prior to the "Go Live" on the Saturday. These done I went to check into my Hotel. Check in was non eventful but I did notice there was a wedding in full swing.

You know the way you can tangibly feel an atmosphere brewing. Well this one was like that, with all the kilted men wondering round looking for an English man to slaughter. I was due to go out and meet a few friends and duly got a taxi to another hotel for a few drinks.

I returned to the hotel at around 11:30pm and the wedding had got more lively. I ordered a drink at the bar and as I turned to survey the surroundings I espied the bride and the groom having a heated discussion in fluent vernacular Scottish so I didn't understand a word but I got the gist.

The bride of barely 10 hours then decided that words were not getting through to her beloved husband, so she gave him the sweetest short arm jab I have seen in a long time. He went down on the floor like a deflated lilo kilt akimbo. A woman, who I can only suspect was the grooms mother then barreled in and landed a beauty flush on the jaw of the bride.

Cue blood curdling cries of war as the kilted brigade then squared up and proceeded to knock several bales of Shiite out of each other. The Keystone cops then arrived and unsuccessfully attempted to part the warring factions and much tooing and froing occurred.

At one point the main tangle was herded out into the car park to continue their discussions and as I was in need of a cigarette I went to go out the front door. I was stopped by the duty manager (a lovely wee girl from Falkirk as I recall) and was steered in a different direction and shown the employee's secret smoking area. As we were walking arm in arm to this area she looked at me and said "Welcome to Livingston"

Cigarette duly smoked I wandered back in and was promptly stopped by a couple of boys in blue who wanted to interview me about my part in the proceedings. After numerous explainings and exasperated sighs they eventually believed that I was a resident and had no part in the scuffle, which had at this stage run its course and they were all buddies again.

Can't have a good wedding without a fight..


Priceless  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 25, 2009, 20:14:09 PM
Riddick in surround sound rocks
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: pables on September 26, 2009, 08:42:54 AM

Riddick in surround sound rocks

My Mrs reckons Riddick Rocks...............full stop............

whatever...............
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 26, 2009, 09:58:33 AM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: mal666 on September 26, 2009, 11:04:40 AM
Had that trouble before Duke, they were spouting data protection act bs etc.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 27, 2009, 12:14:12 PM
Love it or loathe it, Ikea has got something in most if not all of our homes. It turns out that the Billy Bookcase is 30 years old.

Let"s face it, who doesn"t have a Billy bookcase? Or at least an imitation of one? This singularly bland piece of furniture is so popular that Ikea"s furniture factory in Sandhem, Sweden, churns out 15 of them every minute. And now, to celebrate Billy"s 30th birthday next month, Ikea is bringing out a range of limited-edition graffiti-style bookcases, covered in Shakespeare quotes.

What"s in your house from the creeping monolith that is IKEA and do you love it or loathe it?.

Ikea Bookcases in my Living room (They are on both walls)
(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/APAT_setup.JPG)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on September 27, 2009, 13:22:04 PM
Quote
What"s in your house from the creeping monolith that is IKEA


Nowt! Been once, nicked enough wee pencils to last a couple of golf seasons. * EDIT * Just remembered I bought a bath towel when I FINALLY made it to the exit.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on September 27, 2009, 22:01:24 PM
I have side tables, kids table n chairs, dish towels, curtains, pillows, duvets, duvet covers, computer desk, computer chair, cutlery, cups, glasses, dishes, pots n pans, erm I could go on and on and on...I loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeee IKEA
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: jacklevel06 on September 28, 2009, 09:44:37 AM
I hate  the bloody place ,got draged in there once.Never again.Saying that i have sat in the car park of ikea on many occasions ,best way to shop imo.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 28, 2009, 17:18:59 PM
The was a man in our village, Michael McNamara (Shortened of course to Mick Mac) who was a plasterer by trade and a hard and outspoken gentleman who was not afraid to speak his mind or back up his opinions with explosive and deadly action.

He was on a job in Limerick and was driving home across Arnacrusha bridge when he was pulled up at a Garda checkpoint. The were checking for tax and insurance, which he had, but he of course berated them as only he knows how and of course the young Guard took the hump and proceeded to look over his old banger with a fine tooth comb.

He was writing down all the things that were wrong with the car when Mick jumped out and demanded to know what was wrong with his beloved car.

"For a start you have 4 bald tyres" said the Guard

Mick looked at the tyres and back at the Guard.

"FFS you wouldn't know a bald tyre if it jumped up and slapped you in the face" spluttered Mick

He then proceeded to the back of the car and began tossing his tools of the trade onto the road, trowels, mortar boards and assorted implements clattered onto the road. At last he came to what he was looking for.


"That's a fecking bald tyre" screamed Mick, pointing at the offending item, which was so bad you could see the wire poking through the rubber.


The Guard looked at the tyre and back to Mick.

"You are right sir, 5 bald tyres" he smiled as he continued his list of faults.

Priceless.. When you are in the Shiite keep your mouth shut.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 28, 2009, 19:32:09 PM
Well my pride and joy upped and died on me this weekend. The BMW 540i decided that enough was enough and as good as expired on Saturday. The AA man did more tutting and breathing through teeth than the most dishonest used car salesman. He reckoned it would take major surgery which was more that BUPA would stand (ie more than the car is worth)

SO I have purchased a 2.6 Omega -- I am getting old and it was cheap and the air conditioning works.

BMW for sale anyone (parts only as it is not running very well)

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 28, 2009, 20:15:42 PM
Free texts for life says the advert - as long as you pay £20 per month -- hmm does not really compute or have I got it wrong
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 28, 2009, 21:55:19 PM
Tried .25/.50 cash game on stars -- won $242.10 -- is this the new game or total destruction of my bankroll as I get more confident (silly/drunk/mental - delete as appropriate)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on September 28, 2009, 22:08:03 PM

Tried .25/.50 cash game on stars -- won $242.10 -- is this the new game or total destruction of my bankroll as I get more confident (silly/drunk/mental - delete as appropriate)


done
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 28, 2009, 22:12:25 PM
LOL -- however if I might digress -- watching Mr & Mrs Smith -- Angelina
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on September 28, 2009, 22:15:32 PM
sori duke, but i couldn"t resist!     :D

enjoy your film, i was lumbered with dirty dancing last night as missus couldn"t believe i"d never seen it.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 28, 2009, 22:16:54 PM
nowt wrong with enjoying a film with the loved one
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on September 28, 2009, 22:28:23 PM

nowt wrong with enjoying a film with the loved one


very true, but only so many pas de bourree you can take!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Jon MW on September 29, 2009, 00:41:17 AM

LOL -- however if I might digress -- watching Mr & Mrs Smith -- Angelina


Highly recommended, one of my favourite films - and only partly because it reminds me of my relationship with my ex.



... i was lumbered with dirty dancing last night as missus couldn"t believe i"d never seen it.


Also one of my favourite films, although maybe I should keep quiet about that one  :-[
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Mikeyboy9361 on September 29, 2009, 09:27:36 AM

sori duke, but i couldn"t resist!     :D

enjoy your film, i was lumbered with dirty dancing last night as missus couldn"t believe i"d never seen it.

"Nobody puts Baby in a corner"   Classic  :P
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Chipaccrual on September 29, 2009, 10:42:20 AM


LOL -- however if I might digress -- watching Mr & Mrs Smith -- Angelina


Highly recommended, one of my favourite films - and only partly because it reminds me of my relationship with my ex.



I think that this explains Jon"s comment.  Who"d have thought it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(http://lh6.ggpht.com/_X5lM7YiBEWc/SsHWCm-6uRI/AAAAAAAAAuA/GbfHZ9x1nQE/s800/MrandMrsWoodfield.jpg)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on September 29, 2009, 10:55:37 AM
If Jon"s ex looks like that, I"ll shoot the muppet myself!!  8)

Oh, and Adjusted Your Post ...

(http://www.net10.co.uk/APAT/forum/mrmrssmith.jpg)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on September 29, 2009, 11:02:18 AM
hahahahahahahahahaha I was impressed with Leigh's photo editing, thought Jon looked pretty cool, then I scrolled down to Neil"s and I laughed so loud, you guyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyys "shakes head" lmaoooooooooooo
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: AMRN on September 29, 2009, 11:18:41 AM

If Jon"s ex looks like that, I"ll shoot the muppet myself!!  8)

Oh, and Adjusted Your Post ...

(http://www.net10.co.uk/APAT/forum/mrmrssmith.jpg)


PMSL!!! Nice one
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Jon MW on September 29, 2009, 11:49:16 AM


If Jon"s ex looks like that, I"ll shoot the muppet myself!!  8)

Oh, and Adjusted Your Post ...

(http://www.net10.co.uk/APAT/forum/mrmrssmith.jpg)


PMSL!!! Nice one


I"d like to pretend the original photoshop is closer.

But it isn"t.

Good photoshopping all round, wd gg

gtfo
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: kinboshi on September 29, 2009, 14:34:02 PM
Great work Neil, but he"s still out of proportion.

(http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc43/kinboshi/ickleman.png)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on September 29, 2009, 17:57:18 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 02, 2009, 11:15:41 AM
Irish voters are heading to the polls today for a second referendum on the EU"s Lisbon Treaty. It was previously rejected in a June 2008 referendum.

Its like the one before - let"s keep going to the polls until we get a yes - bit of a farce really cos if its a no we will have another referendum next year.

If at first you don"t succeed -- LOL
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: jbworldwide on October 02, 2009, 11:55:12 AM
I hope it is a No, for the pure fact that we don"t even get a referendum on it.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 02, 2009, 11:59:33 AM
A pressie from Sky

A Free £5 to Celebrate
We"ve noticed from our records that it"s your Birthday next week, so we thought we"d give you a special present. We"re offering you a completely free £5 to use on any products of your choosing to help celebrate your day.

Simply enter the promo code BIRTHDAY into the "free bets" section of the "my account" area. Be quick though as your free bet expires at midnight on Sunday!    


ahhh that"s sweet

EDIT:

entered it and........


Sorry, there was a problem.

  1.
     The promotional code you have entered is unrecognised. Please try again or contact Customer Services


sigh GG WP

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on October 02, 2009, 12:36:54 PM
I had this for a survery thing... and same error message came up.  If you refresh the page and your account, it should then appear.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 02, 2009, 13:14:18 PM

I had this for a survery thing... and same error message came up.  If you refresh the page and your account, it should then appear.


I blame Des by the way  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 03, 2009, 10:35:30 AM
So the humble postcode is 50 years old. There have been numerous campaigns by people, affected with a funny sort of snobbery, to have their postcodes changed. Famously, 2003, the residents of the Royal Borough of Windsor and Maidenhead fought unsuccessfully to lose their SL postcode because it links them with nearby Slough - made famous by comedy series The Office.

Insurance premiums are decided by them, as are property prices. We used to be L66 now we are CH66 don't know if it made any difference? I live on the outskirts of Ellesmere Port and my postcode has been listed as one of the top  postcodes most likely to get a burglary. However saying that it hasn't happened TG but I am sure it affects the price I get for home insurance.

Burglary Hotspots (BBC August 2009)

NG5 Arnold, Notts
LE3 Braunstone, Leicester
NG2 West Bridgford
CH66 Ellesmere Port, Cheshire
LS8 Roundhay, Leeds
SW11 Battersea, south London
S8Norton & Heeley, Sheffield
N8 Hornsey, north London
CR0 Croydon, Surrey
BN3 Hove, Sussex
NG3 Sherwood, Notts
NG8 Bilborough, Notts
BR3 Beckenham, Kent
M28 Worsley, Gtr Manchester
LS15 Crossgates, Leeds
E17 Walthamstow, east London
BS7Horfield, Bristol
SW6 Fulham, south-west London
SE23 Forest Hill, south-east London
SL6 Maidenhead, Berks



Each postcode covers an average of 15 addresses and some large organisations have personalised postcodes, such as the Scottish Parliament"s EH99 1SP and the ExCeL centre in London, E16 1XL. Even Father Christmas has one SAN TA1.

Does anyone have a particularly fancy one or are they all boring like mine or have they found that the postcode has been detrimental to their house price or insurance?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on October 03, 2009, 13:04:40 PM
There is a famous question within Royl Mail Group, if you live outside of the North West...

What is the postcode for Blackpool
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: pables on October 03, 2009, 18:15:00 PM

I hope it is a No, for the pure fact that we don"t even get a referendum on it.

Mmmmm WTFIT?

That"s because we have the wonderful Fagin Gordon Brown as our leader

Now where"s my pension fiund going???  >:(
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 04, 2009, 14:08:51 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 05, 2009, 18:39:19 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on October 05, 2009, 19:41:21 PM
LOL I look forward to the rest of this story
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on October 05, 2009, 21:39:17 PM
Happy Birthday for the 6th duke.  :)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 05, 2009, 21:55:56 PM
Thank You - I will be wasted tomorrow  (hmm same old same old)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on October 06, 2009, 14:22:03 PM
(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a167/Laxie/Birthday/HB-00232-CHappy-Birthday-Big-Boy-Pi.jpg)

Hope you have a BRILLIANT day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  xx
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on October 06, 2009, 16:01:07 PM


I had this for a survery thing... and same error message came up.  If you refresh the page and your account, it should then appear.


I blame Des by the way  ;D


Quite right.  It"s one thing to promise the free £5, but quite another thing to actually part with it...  ;)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 06, 2009, 17:42:27 PM
Well, I worked from dawn to dusk for the next week with no sign of the ould lad. Although I suspect he was sneaking up when I was not around to cast his beady eye over the whole proceedings.

I laid out a line where the fence was to be installed. The ould lad had determined the height of the fence should be four feet high, So I set about digging the holes for my end posts. Feck me but it was hard going and I managed a depth of about 30 inches. After liberally painting the ends with linseed oil I positioned the end posts.

I ran a builder"s line from one end post to the other. All was going to plan, I marked out where the other posts were to go and dug the rest of my holes, which took me the rest of the day.

The next day I set the remaining posts, taking extreme care they were plumb. I was now beginning to get blisters and my temper was not the best, which any passer by who dared to offer encouragement could attest to.

The following day I nailed the stringers from post to post in threes (top middle bottom) and that took me all day with a feck load of frigging mistakes, as it turned out that my pole to pole measurements weren't quite accurate FML.

The next day I painted the finished fence with a waterproofing sealer, and set about making the gate, This was not the masterpiece that was intended by the ould lad, but it looked fine to me.

I attached the gates to the fence posts and they nearly met in the middle, a long chain FTW I thought, because at this stage I was beyond caring.

I stepped back and surveyed the finished article.

To be honest each post would have challenged the Pisa Tower for degree of lean, The stringers, which looked fine close up, resembled a sine wave on speed. The gate looked like an episode of Little and Large and in summary it looked like it had been put together by Stevie Wonder whilst wearing boxing gloves.

I was dead.

Nothing for it but to march down, tell the ould lad I had completed the job and take my medicine.

We walked up together and he surveyed the disaster of a fence.

Minutes seemed to pass, although in reality it was probably seconds. He turned to look at me, I braced myself for the inevitable tirade that was to follow and he said.

"Good job son, as fine a fence as I have ever seen"

My jaw dropped and I looked at the fence and back to him and wondered was his eyesight gone.

"Cmon I'll but you a pint to celebrate its completion" says he.

I followed him down to Minogue"s shaking my head, sometimes he would surprise me, but one thing was certain he was a damn fine man and I loved him to bits .....

Priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 06, 2009, 18:13:52 PM
It"s my birthday today and amongst the fine pressies from friends and family I got.

£5 bet from Sky -- Thanks Des !!
1 days free surfing from my IP
£5 voucher from find me a gift
£3 from shirt city

Bless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: rubertoe on October 07, 2009, 17:50:38 PM

It"s my birthday today and amongst the fine pressies from friends and family I got.

£5 bet from Sky -- Thanks Des !!
1 days free surfing from my IP
£5 voucher from find me a gift
£3 from shirt city

Bless


Free Stuff FTW!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 07, 2009, 18:16:51 PM
Bad Beat or what -- They run so good LOL

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/8294858.stm (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/8294858.stm)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 08, 2009, 18:01:08 PM
Had a day off work today and went 10 pin bowling and generally chilled out. It was a nice relaxed day. Just finished watching a documentry on the 1972 Miami Dolphins - their perfect season 17-0. They have six players in the hall of fame and of course the coach Don Shula.

It seems dedication and hard work can pay off, the no-name defense etc etc. Now if I could just transfer that full blooded, in your face attitude to my poker  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 08, 2009, 18:15:38 PM
Oh and extreme makeover - home edition has great carpenters here is Didiayer Snyder (Her parents had a sense of humour anyway)

(http://www.onlocationvacations.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/didiayer2.jpg)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 09, 2009, 16:00:26 PM
A goodly few years ago I was at a works do in Ennis, I was working for De Beers at the time and the night was very lively and the drink was flowing. I had consumed a fine few scoops and I went out into the grounds of the hotel to get a bit of fresh air and try to sober up a wee bit.

I walked around the grounds and they were pretty extensive. Well, lost in my own intoxicated thoughts I looked up and could see no hotel whatever direction I looked in. I seemed to be in some sort of wood and could get no bearings at all.

FFS I am on the edge of a major town it can't be that far in any direction to find civilisation. I started walking and in the pitch black I fell a couple of times and my nice white shirt was torn and no longer a nice white shirt.

I came to the edge of the wood and saw a large stately home sort of building with numerous lights on. At this stage I was knackered and I stumbled towards the main door. All I needed was a phone. I knocked on the door and it was opened by two men in suits.

I thought I said "Can I use your phone please" but by the way the two suits looked at me, in my exhaustion I must have sounded unintelligible. The next thing I know they gently grabbed an arm each while making "there there" noises. I was placed in a nice little room with no furniture other than one bare chair.

It could have been a four poster bed the way I flopped into it as the two suits stood staring at me.

"Doesn't look familiar" said suit #1

"No, but he must be one of ours, just look at him" said suit #2

"What's your name" said suit #1

"Smyth" says I stupidly

"He's one of ours, Call Mr. O'Brien" said suit #2

Mr. O'Brien arrives and by this stage I had recovered some composure and managed to explain what happened.

"Where am I anyway" says I

"St Joseph's Psychiatric Unit" says Mr. O'Brien

FML


Priceless.. It's a wonder they let me out.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on October 09, 2009, 17:26:22 PM
pmsl oops
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 09, 2009, 19:32:48 PM
LOL just LOL

Went on sky tonight to reg for the SPT -- hadn"t enough of funds

1. tried to deposit
2. refuesd
3. ring customer support
4. Lovely lady
5. Ask me loads of questions -- fair enough
6. "wahts wrong"
7. says I have exceeded my depoosit limit
8. No way I am only trying to deposit £20
9. Ok lets check
10. excuse me sir you have filled the amount to deposit field with DUKE3016 is that a code
11. FML

priceless
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on October 09, 2009, 20:02:26 PM
:D :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 09, 2009, 22:33:34 PM
still in Sky sateliite -- 9 left  5 seats -- pleeese one time
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on October 09, 2009, 22:42:57 PM
TID Ger
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 09, 2009, 23:21:35 PM
I did -- SPT here I come
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on October 10, 2009, 00:49:11 AM
Top stuff as ever and nice one with the SPT.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Dewi_cool on October 10, 2009, 00:49:57 AM
why would you try & qualify for a tournament that clashes with the Chezger Autumn fest?

gl  though
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on October 10, 2009, 09:57:55 AM

why would you try & qualify for a tournament that clashes with the Chezger Autumn fest?

gl  though


LOL, FHL!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on October 10, 2009, 10:41:30 AM
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

The second bottle of Bacardi might have had something to do with it.  Poor Ger.  Oh yeah...well done too!  lol
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 10, 2009, 11:04:58 AM

why would you try & qualify for a tournament that clashes with the Chezger Autumn fest?

gl  though


That can be postponed (and you cant make the fest anyway and it wouldn"t be the same without you  ;D )
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on October 10, 2009, 11:20:12 AM
Ohhhhhh nice result getting the seat...ohhhhhhhhhh @ changing the date
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 10, 2009, 11:33:35 AM
I have been thinking about the whole effort of the Autumn Fest for a couple of weeks now as I intend to have an Xmas one and I am going to Vegas the week after. So getting a seat in my local Sky Poker Tour tipped the balance.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on October 10, 2009, 13:04:25 PM
Im gonna try that Sat"s too quite fancy the SPT :)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 11, 2009, 14:59:09 PM
I am in the process of revamping my personal website (not Chezger) and as such some of the pictures will have disappeared from this blog. I will in the fullness of time attempt to restore them, please be patient....

Edit: - just a thought if I leave the asset folder intact they might survive -- fingers crossed
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 11, 2009, 19:50:29 PM
Railing Deep stack specialist Laxie
Playing low stakes on BSQ
Fridge full
Taylor v Barney on the box

does it get any better
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 12, 2009, 17:29:37 PM
So, in a little over a calendar month Chezger hit Vegas. The economic downturn has depleted the ranks a tad but we will muster 3 brave souls. As chairman/CEO/tour leader I will of course be leading by extreme abstemious example and there will no repetition of the antics that were evident on previous trips.

Especially not.

Casting aspersions on a rather large gentlemen's ancestry
Persuading 3 card poker dealers that a pair beats a flush
Persuading 3 card poker dealers that all black cards is a flush
Persuading 3 card poker dealers that 3 4 6 is a "busted" straight and pays.
Persuading all other players on 3 card poker to play blind or else
Sleeping under the television
Calling the pit boss Cecil (pronounced  "ceeeeeeeeeecil")
Making a habit of going all in when anyone said "You can't call that"
Calling another player at the table a nasty name and getting a 10 min smoke break imposed.
Replying "No Senor" in an awful spanish accent when asked "Are you Irish"
Sreaming "Where"s the driver" on the Monorail
Drinking the flag of each county in the UN in one night (got very creative, not to mention messy)
When Elvis was dealing curling the lip and saying "UhUh" every 2 seconds


I can assure you that these antics will not be repeated on this trip and we will be the model of good behaviour.


Note: The Aliens are returning Ger to planet earth tomorrow
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 12, 2009, 18:15:08 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: SirPercival on October 12, 2009, 19:39:40 PM

So, in a little over a calendar month Chezger hit Vegas. The economic downturn has depleted the ranks a tad but we will muster 3 brave souls. As chairman/CEO/tour leader I will of course be leading by extreme abstemious example and there will no repetition of the antics that were evident on previous trips.

Especially not.

Casting aspersions on a rather large gentlemen's ancestry
Persuading 3 card poker dealers that a pair beats a flush
Persuading 3 card poker dealers that all black cards is a flush
Persuading 3 card poker dealers that 3 4 6 is a "busted" straight and pays.
Persuading all other players on 3 card poker to play blind or else
Sleeping under the television
Calling the pit boss Cecil (pronounced  "ceeeeeeeeeecil")
Making a habit of going all in when anyone said "You can't call that"
Calling another player at the table a nasty name and getting a 10 min smoke break imposed.
Replying "No Senor" in an awful spanish accent when asked "Are you Irish"
Sreaming "Where"s the driver" on the Monorail
Drinking the flag of each county in the UN in one night (got very creative, not to mention messy)
When Elvis was dealing curling the lip and saying "UhUh" every 2 seconds


I can assure you that these antics will not be repeated on this trip and we will be the model of good behaviour.


Note: The Aliens are returning Ger to planet earth tomorrow



please expand  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 12, 2009, 19:46:14 PM


So, in a little over a calendar month Chezger hit Vegas. The economic downturn has depleted the ranks a tad but we will muster 3 brave souls. As chairman/CEO/tour leader I will of course be leading by extreme abstemious example and there will no repetition of the antics that were evident on previous trips.

Especially not.

Casting aspersions on a rather large gentlemen's ancestry
Persuading 3 card poker dealers that a pair beats a flush
Persuading 3 card poker dealers that all black cards is a flush
Persuading 3 card poker dealers that 3 4 6 is a "busted" straight and pays.
Persuading all other players on 3 card poker to play blind or else
Sleeping under the television
Calling the pit boss Cecil (pronounced  "ceeeeeeeeeecil")
Making a habit of going all in when anyone said "You can't call that"
Calling another player at the table a nasty name and getting a 10 min smoke break imposed.
Replying "No Senor" in an awful spanish accent when asked "Are you Irish"
Sreaming "Where"s the driver" on the Monorail
Drinking the flag of each county in the UN in one night (got very creative, not to mention messy)
When Elvis was dealing curling the lip and saying "UhUh" every 2 seconds


I can assure you that these antics will not be repeated on this trip and we will be the model of good behaviour.


Note: The Aliens are returning Ger to planet earth tomorrow



please expand  ;D


OK Irish flag is Green - white and gold

so Creme de menthe - baileys (dirty white but holds consistency) -- southern comfort and they stay seperate in the glass- drink in one

Glen (Bigfella) can expand on the English flag - but it was a silly red liquor and vodka

you get the drift
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: SirPercival on October 12, 2009, 20:36:23 PM
Would love to know how you did the Seychelles - not that anyone would have been sober enough to work out the colours!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 12, 2009, 21:29:23 PM
I can tell you it got creative  ;D

8.8 deep stack FTW now 2 of 18
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 12, 2009, 22:11:22 PM
FFS now stars decides to freeze -- FML
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on October 12, 2009, 23:33:10 PM

FFS now stars decides to freeze -- FML


has it did it unfreeze...wot happened with tournie?  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 13, 2009, 18:05:50 PM


FFS now stars decides to freeze -- FML


has it did it unfreeze...wot happened with tournie?  


it did ! so did I ! finished 8th - can"t afford 50p for the bad beat story........
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Bigfella42 on October 13, 2009, 20:21:14 PM



Drinking the flag of each county in the UN in one night (got very creative, not to mention messy)
When Elvis was dealing curling the lip and saying "UhUh" every 2 seconds


I can assure you that these antics will not be repeated on this trip and we will be the model of good behaviour.


Note: The Aliens are returning Ger to planet earth tomorrow



please expand  ;D


OK Irish flag is Green - white and gold

so Creme de menthe - baileys (dirty white but holds consistency) -- southern comfort and they stay seperate in the glass- drink in one

Glen (Bigfella) can expand on the English flag - but it was a silly red liquor and vodka

you get the drift



I cant remember what was in the drink but do remember the barmaid was quite fit and she seemed to enjoy the challenge of inventing a drink that had to be red and white. The fact that we drank all the flags of the UN in about half an hour and then proceeded to play the poker tournament was not optimum strategy. I did last quite a long time - but that was due to the fact that I really did fall asleep at the poker table, only waking uplong enough to say "fold" every now and then! (I know, nothing new there!!)

Have a great trip Ger
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 13, 2009, 20:34:51 PM
He he --- great times big man - next year for the win
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 14, 2009, 17:31:01 PM
Stinker at work today anything that could go wrong did. The upshot is I have to babysit our overnight batch processes tonight - drunken fixes FTW if anything explodes....
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 14, 2009, 17:45:57 PM
I"ve been sorry for a slash before but never on this scale

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/8306631.stm (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/8306631.stm)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 14, 2009, 19:04:15 PM
You couldn"t write this script

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/glasgow_and_west/8306582.stm (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/glasgow_and_west/8306582.stm)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 15, 2009, 02:38:40 AM

Stinker at work today anything that could go wrong did. The upshot is I have to babysit our overnight batch processes tonight - drunken fixes FTW if anything explodes....


No fixes required -- it all worked -- job done -- god I"m good  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 15, 2009, 20:01:23 PM
Because of the shop we owned there was never really anytime the ould lad, me Ma and myself ever socialised together. Me and the ould lad would get together, or me and me Ma would have a couple of scoops. So it was a surprise when the ould lad accosted me in the shop one evening.

"Got tickets for the Hurling social today" says he
"I'll mind the shop then" says I
"No I got three tickets and I am closing the shop early and we are all going" says he

Well, I checked for pigs in the sky and for any other sign of mental instability, finding none, I contented myself with staring at him stupidly. I mean FFS the ould lad shutting the shop early was totally unheard of.

"Well, you coming" says he

Speechless, I nodded my head.

"Good, it was your mother's idea and she is not taking no for a fecking answer " says he

I knew it wasn't his idea, but I was really looking forward to it, it was going to be a blast.

Suited and booted and me Ma looking particularly fine in her best going to mass dress we set off for Killaloe for a night of good food, good music and great Craic. The meal was ok not great but filling enough and the wine flowed pretty good as well. Settling back I noticed the usual suspects were already propping up the bar and you didn't need the skills of Columbo to deduce that things could get pretty lively later.

I settled in my seat as the dancing started and as usual the older generation was first to the floor. I marveled at the two left feet of the ould lad as he tried to look suave and sophisticated escorting me Ma in his particular version of the Waltz. Just then one of the finer damsels of the village decided to lower her standards and talk to me.

We were alone at the table exchanging pleasantries when I heard a distinct rumble from the dance floor and as that was not particularly unusual at these social gatherings  and the wee girl was warming to my erudite ramblings, I ignored it.

That was until the ould lad landed on the table and shot off in between us clearing the cutlery and glasses in his path. He got up and dusted the leftover turkey off his aging tux.

"Ger, with me NOW" he roared

Contd............ 
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on October 16, 2009, 01:45:18 AM
Would it kill you to actually continue on the day you"ve feckin started?!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 16, 2009, 08:02:00 AM

Would it kill you to actually continue on the day you"ve feckin started?!

What can I say, as a one finger typist I get tired....
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on October 16, 2009, 08:10:02 AM
LOL... I just love this blog.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 16, 2009, 18:01:59 PM
As the ould lad strode purposely back to the source of his demise, I girded my loins and bid the wee girl goodbye and followed him into the melee. Well you had to admire his persistence as he flew past me going backwards, his arms giving a damn good impression of the backstroke. FFS was he losing his touch. Then I saw the source of his backward propulsion.

It was the Kelly brothers. They were three of the meanest, hardest pieces of Shiite that it was anyone's misfortune to come across and they were in the mood for destruction. The funny thing was that they seemed to be concentrating on only one thing.. the ould lad.

The crowd on the dance floor had parted into a sort of semi circle and were not in any mood to get involved. Where was my mother? Anyway the ould lad had regained his feet and was in the mood for some more. Time to get involved.. the problem was there was probably no way I would take one of these feckers don't mind fecking three of them. But FFS he was me Da and as he passed me about to take them all on I joined him in his primeval charge.

I weighed in at around 17st those days and was a fit little fecker and the ould lad wasn't far behind me in the heavy stakes. Now, me and the ould lad seemed to have the one mind as we both hit Mikey Kelly together at full pelt. He went down with a whoosh as all his god given air was battered out of him. He was out of commission for a wee while.

As I skidded to a halt I grabbed a chair and swung at Petey Kelly, and being a slow witted sort of fecker, he forgot to duck. As he began his slow fall to temporary incapacitation I wheeled around to see what assistance I could give to the ould lad and quickly saw that it was P J Kelly that was in requirement of assistance.

The ould lad was astride his chest with his fists swinging like a metronome as he smacked P J's head from side to side. I pulled him off not to save P J, he deserved all he got, but because Mikey Kelly had now recovered sufficiently to begin to entertain thoughts of continuing.

Now Mikey was huge, and I mean fecking huge and as it had taken the two of us to knock him to the ground, I sure as feck wasn't going to tackle him on my own.

We squared up Father and Son side by side ready for whatever he could bring. I looked at the ould lad and I swear he was smiling, relishing the upcoming encounter.

Mikey suddenly stopped his forward motion, seemed to stand still for a couple of seconds and then fell forward in a heap grabbing his shoulder in pain. As he fell we could see the cause of his anguish, behind him stood on a chair was me Ma with a bottle of cheap plonk in her hand held by the neck.

I went over to my Mother and said.

"WTF was that all about"

"They insulted his dancing and as usual he sought satisfaction" says she "now help me down off of this fecking chair"

I did not voice the fact that they probably had a point..

The Kelly's were evicted and we continued with our merriment. The wee girl had taken flight, not surprisingly really as she was their sister..

More on her and myself later..


Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 16, 2009, 18:28:32 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: rubertoe on October 16, 2009, 18:34:34 PM
I dont think i can wait...
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 16, 2009, 18:35:46 PM

I dont think i can wait...


Just for you and that dominant American woman from Cork I will have the next installment up SOON
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 16, 2009, 18:56:05 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 16, 2009, 19:43:08 PM
The dance was in the next village, with whom we had a friendly rivalry over the years, but it was usually a quiet night with minimal disruption. We parked the car and walked into the dance hall. There was a small crowd, but that would change at official closing time when the drunken hordes would descend on the dance.

I had a pleasant couple of dances and had eventually overcame my awe and shock at having this beautiful woman on my arm. We got on like a house on fire and had great talks about her brothers and their protective nature. She really had to grow up quick after her mother died and put her own ambitions and dreams on hold. She really wanted to go off to Africa and assist in some way with the charitable organisations that were in place over there.

She was a really wonderful, warm person and I counted myself blessed to be spending time with her.

As the place filled up, it got a bit lively and the band responded with some faster dances that we sat out, locked in a sparkling conversation about her dreams and aspirations. Our little bubble was burst by a drunken booming voice.

"So, high and mighty Miss Carrot Top, where's your brother's now"

His conversation was cut short as his mouth was closed by a particularly vicious uppercut delivered from ground level whilst rising from a sitting position up to full height.

It was the sweetest punch that was ever delivered and I was only sorry that it wasn't me who delivered it. Mary had decked this eejit and was standing over his prone body.

"I don't need my brothers to deal with Shiite like you" she softly said

She calmly looked at fallen boy's two friends and enquired sweetly whether they had anything to add. Surprisingly enough, they hadn't as they picked up the groggy victim of Mary's assault and slinked away.

We had a couple of dances and she said she was fed up with this dump and would I bring her home. We drove home and had a great laugh at her prowess in the boxing department which, given the fact that she had grown up with those three bruisers was no real surprise.

Now at this point a man's thoughts would necessarily stray to sexual things, but this girl was special and I was determined to be a perfect gentleman. As we parked by the Lough a short way for the house we continued the conversation around ambitions etc, until she said.

"Well, are you not going to kiss me"

Priceless and totally censored........

More about Mary later.......
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: janc on October 16, 2009, 20:51:38 PM

LOL... I just love this blog.

Ditto
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: pables on October 16, 2009, 21:47:39 PM
Brilliant.

Just,..... Brilliant!!

keep going Ger!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 16, 2009, 23:12:01 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 17, 2009, 12:02:39 PM
I don't think that life could have been any better, Mary was wonderful and we spend some great times together. There was an added bonus as well, the Kelly brothers weren't trying to knock my head off.

I was having a quiet pint in Mikes when old man Kelly came in and indicated that he wanted a word in private. Here we go again I thought. We walked outside and sat on the bench. I waited for the father to boyfriend talk and he looked really lost in himself.

"Ger, I want you to talk to Mary" says he
"About what?" I enquired
"She's talking of leaving" says he

Well we had of course had conversations about her dreams and aspirations but she hadn't mentioned that they were going to be reality. I felt really sad at that and I looked at old man Kelly and he was crestfallen.

"She's a headstrong girl, and if she sets out to do something she will do it" says I
"I know, I know, but we will be lost without her" says he

The easy life of someone cooking and cleaning you mean, I ungraciously thought. But then I looked at him and he had seemed to shrink into his clothes and I beat myself up for the bad thought. He was genuinely upset about his "wee girl's" decision.

I met her that night and we talked into the small hours of the morning and I was caught up in her enthusiasm and vocation for what she wanted. She had contacted an organisation that specialised in these affairs and was off to Dublin to have an interview. My heart was heavy, was I in love? I had never said as much but of course I was FFS. I entertained thoughts of going as well, but that was my heart talking, I knew I could never do anything like that. That made me feel like a real B@stard and as I drove home I was seething with myself.

It was of course selfishness on my part as I thought about her decision. The more I thought about the more I knew I wasn't going to try and persuade her not to follow her dream. It just a real bummer that I wasn't going to be part of it. She returned from Dublin with the news that she was leaving the following week.

On the day of departure there were tears in the eyes of the hardest men I have ever known as she left for the departure gate. She took me aside

"I have loved our time together, but I must do this" she said
"I know" says I
"I will write, but will you reply" says she
"Of course" says I

She left without a backward glance and the gate closed on a particularly good time of my life.

"Ger, let's get drunk" says old man Kelly
"I'm with you" says I

We went back and got blazing drunk and as the boys were in a bad mood it got a little lively as well. I was just glad I wasn't the object of their frustration.

She of course wrote, and I of course replied, but as with most things in life it runs its course and the correspondence got more infrequent and eventually stopped. She did take Holy Orders within 5 years of leaving and never returned, except for brief visits. She had followed her dream and had caught it, and the sight of Mary Kelly the nun never ceased to amaze me.

The last I heard, she was still helping the needy and giving her love unconditionally to all who required it. The Kelly boys? They found their own love and settled down. Although they did of course revert to type at old man Kelly's funeral when they wrecked the hotel bar at the breakfast when someone dared to talk out of turn.

An amazing woman never easily forgotten...  

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 17, 2009, 12:17:56 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on October 17, 2009, 13:17:32 PM
Great story telling Ger, really first class.  You fool.  ;)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 17, 2009, 16:07:53 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: rubertoe on October 17, 2009, 18:10:48 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on October 17, 2009, 18:54:00 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 17, 2009, 23:57:58 PM

- its illegal for them to turn off your water if you dont pay... :-X


sooo why do we pay LOL
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 18, 2009, 12:19:05 PM
The ould lad had secured a wee house near the promenade in Kilkee and it was self catering, so no holiday for my Ma then. You'd have thought that he was the Quartermaster General for Marco Polo the way he was stocking up. He had painstakingly prepared a list and was loading boxes with non perishable foods and stuff. His brow was puckered as he racked his head for anything he may have missed.

"FFS Da, there will be shops, it's not the fecking North Pole" says I
"Feck off, I'm not paying holiday resort prices for anything" says he

My mother was patiently sitting this one out with a tolerant look on her face, like the way she would look at me when I was five. The ould lad had moved on from the non perishables and was now onto the clothing section. FFS the expedition had been upgraded to the level of Shackleton's trip to the South Pole.

"FFS Da, if we forget anything essential we are only an hour from home" says I
"Feck off you don't understand planning is everything" says he
"So's relaxing" says I

Well he just grunted and continued to plan the trek across the fecking Alps. We eventually loaded the car (good job it was an estate) and set off. The ould lad was driving and my mother and I drew lots to see who would get the front seat. I lost and had to sit in the front alongside a man who considered himself on a par with Juan Fangio. However, he was quite possible the worst driver ever. He had a healthy disrespect for any other road users and would be holding a one way torrent of abuse for the 40 miles we had to travel.

Closing your eyes was no good because he would dig you in the ribs.

"See that, did you see that FFS" says he
"Yes Da" says I
"Got his fecking licence in Woolworth's" says he
"Yes Da" says I

We passed Ennis and headed out towards the coast. But not before we had nearly creamed an old lady, frightened a couple of children and did his best to keep the car body workers in business.

"We will have a wee break in Inagh" says he
"If we get there in one piece" says me Ma from the back
"What?" says he
"Nothing" sighed she.

FFS we had been driving for 35 minutes and he was taking a break. We had the one drink which he demolished in two seconds flat.

"Come on we haven't got all day" says he as we tried to choke our drinks down.

"I will kill him" says me Ma as he walked out the door
"Join the queue" says I

We hit Kilkee just after 3pm and got the keys to the house. It was a nice wee house in a good spot near the sea and a couple of pubs.

"OK unload" orders he as he strolled towards the promenade. Shackleton had reached his destination and was revelling in his victory.

"I need a drink, we can unload later" says me Ma with a hint of childish rebellion
"Lead on McDuff, I'll get the first one" says I
"That you will" says she as we linked arms and headed for the nearest public house.

Contd........
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 18, 2009, 14:01:34 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 18, 2009, 15:30:34 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 19, 2009, 18:12:41 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 19, 2009, 18:21:20 PM
20,000 views of this topic is humbling in the extreme. Thank you for reading.  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on October 19, 2009, 19:05:02 PM
Enjoying this Ger, I await the next installment.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 20, 2009, 17:53:49 PM
Anyway today was Sunday so after breakfast we got ready and toddled off to midday mass to gain some celestial credits.

After mass the ould lad decided that we would head off down the coast road and cross the Shannon on the car ferry. My Ma and me flipped for the danger seat and she lost and took up position in the shotgun.

We headed off down the coast road and as usual the ould lad was driving with complete abandon down the single track roads and I was soon feeling a little queasy from all the buffeting I was getting in the back. We went to Loop Head lighthouse and spent the requisite 30 seconds looking at it, until the ould lad shooed us into the car and we set off to the ferry.

I was hanging on for dear life for most of the trip and we arrived at the ferry and it was in on our side and we drove straight on. The ould lad of course complained bitterly, and loudly, about the price as we climbed out of the car for the 10 minute trip.

"Hey look, there's a funfair in Tarbert" says the ould lad
"You going on any wild rides" says my Ma
"Just had a fecking 40 minute one" says I

This elicited a withering look from the ould lad but he kept his counsel. We drove off the other side and found a nice pub for lunch washed down with one of the nicest pints of Guinness I have tasted. I could have stayed there all day but speedy Gonzales had other ideas and we headed back to the ferry.

I lost the flip and was in the front.

We had to wait for the ferry to cross which didn't improve the ould lad's temper. So much so that when we boarded, he was a tad enthusiastic with the loading and bumped into the car in front. Not a huge bump, but a bump none the less. He spent the whole trip across arguing with the other driver about how he braked too soon. FFS if he didn't brake he would have driven off the ferry into the Shannon.

As the damage was minimal they agreed that each of them was a complete b@stard and left it at that. The trip back was the usual mad roller coaster but we got back in one piece.

Thank God that night was fightless, swimless and Da singingless, and we retired for the night content with the world.

Contd..
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on October 20, 2009, 18:01:41 PM
LOL loving this
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 20, 2009, 20:00:15 PM
Pah - Childs play

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/8316077.stm (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/8316077.stm)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 21, 2009, 17:20:02 PM
On the Monday after breakfast my Mother and me were just in the process of flipping for the ejector seat when the ould lad announced that today would be a day on the beach.

To be fair, it was a lovely day and although on the warmest of days the Atlantic was still cold, it would be nice to relax. We picked up some beach towels and a rug and I went to change into my swimming costume. I arrived out and they were still in civvies.

"You not going for a swim" says I
"Of course we are" says the ould lad
"Where's your cossy then" says I
"I'm not walking across the road undressed" says he
"They are under our street clothes" says my Ma

I didn't ask how they were going to change back after swimming on a public beach. Better left unsaid..

We crossed the road and down the steps to the beach, which was not really crowded and spread the rug. I deposited my towel and headed for the ocean. The water was bound to be freezing, but being the hard man (show off?) I just ran into the water and dived into the surf.

OMG it was fecking freezing and I thought my heart had stopped, but after the initial shock it was quite pleasant and the waves were high enough for a bit of body surfing. I was enjoying myself when I noticed a rather cute thing in a bikini testing the water with her toe.

I wandered over and gave her a bit of encouragement and she slowly dipped down eventually immersing herself in the water. We were getting on like a house on fire when I saw her staring at the beach with a look of amazement. I followed her line of sight.

FFS it was like a scene out of "Upstairs Downstairs" my mother had a one piece swimsuit on that was high in the collar and I swear it would not have looked out of place at a Victorian beach party. The ould lad has a costume on and, how can I describe it? Remember Kirk Douglas in "Spartacus" with the costume high up on the waist, well apart from the physique that was what the suit was like.

They made an absolute picture walking down arm in arm to the waters edge.

"Who are they" sniggered the wee girl
"My parents" I sighed
"Oh I am sorry" says she
"Not as sorry as I am" says I "Watch though, this should be good".

The ould lad unlinked from my mothers arm and strode into the water, and strode twice as quick out, trying to make his retreat look dignified and failing miserably. My mother walked up to about waist height.

"Come on Michael it's not that bad" says she

Not to be outdone the ould lad walked up beside her and she promptly pushed him hard in the chest so that he fell back with a splash. He got up spluttering and delivered the same to my mother.

The row started in earnest then with words and pushes galore. I went to separate them and as I did they stopped and were in hysterics splashing at each other like little children. I left them alone.

"Nice people, they seem to know how to enjoy themselves" says the wee girl
"Hmm, stick around, tonight could get lively" says I
"I'd love to" says she looking me straight in the eye

We had a great day at the beach and when we were leaving I made arrangements to meet the wee girl (Anne) in the local that night around 8pm. We were in the pub from around 7.30 and when 8 came there was no sign of the wee girl. I was beginning to think that this was the shortest holiday romance on record and the ould lad was rubbing in it a bit.

At 8.30 Anne walked in looking a bit flustered.

"Sorry I am late there is a little trouble at the farm and I can only stay for one" says she
"What's up?" says I

Well it transpired that her parents ran a donkey sanctuary just out of town and a couple of the animals were not well and she had only managed to get away for a wee while and had to go back.

"Ger will go back and help you tonight, he loves donkeys" says the ould lad
"Oh would you" says Anne

FFS as most of you may know my encounters with donkeys were disastrous to put it mildly and I shot a glare at the ould lad who was looking like butter wouldn't melt in his mouth.

What could I do, Anne was looking at me expectantly so ..

"Of course I will, I would love to" I lied

FML me and a dozen donkeys.. Great..

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: jbworldwide on October 21, 2009, 17:36:32 PM


FML me and a dozen donkeys.. Great..




Just a normal day at the APAT races  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on October 21, 2009, 17:49:24 PM
Get the bacardi out and plan to be sat here for the night finishing up on this holiday tale - because dragging it out for days is obscenely unfair!!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 21, 2009, 17:54:14 PM
told you one finger typing is painful - i"ll dictate you type  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on October 21, 2009, 18:06:46 PM

told you one finger typing is painful - i"ll dictate you type  ;D ;D ;D ;D


Yer on!  Ring me and I"ll type away for ya.  At the very least, I"ll know how the story finishes.  lolol
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on October 21, 2009, 19:02:45 PM
Christ, how can you stop now - I"ve got a train journey from Leeds to fill ;)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on October 21, 2009, 21:12:52 PM
Could be worse, you could be GOING TO Leeds :)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 22, 2009, 17:30:44 PM
Anne had walked into the town so we strolled arm in arm back to her place and it was a very pleasant walk. We reached the farm and went straight to a huge barn.

As we entered I was struck by the rows of neat stalls and to be honest the donkeys within them were a contented bunch looking well fed and happy. That was until we came to the end two stalls. The state of the donkeys within these mad me take a breath. They were just bags of bones, cast on the scrap heap when their working life was over. Neglected by the very people that they had faithfully served for years.

Anne prepared some medicine in a large plastic syringe and passed it to me.

"Place the syringe near the base of the tongue and squirt the lot in" says she.

I took the syringe and looked at the miserable wretch in the stall and was still petrified. I opened the stall door and on Anne's instruction's just stood there and waited for the donkey to approach me. He quite obviously had been mistreated by a man in his time and looked at me with a leaky eye.

Stalemate. Well I just stood there like a lemon and suddenly the donkey started towards me and dutifully stopped in front of me. I took the syringe and held his head as he opened his mouth and I managed to administer the medicine without losing my hand. Maybe I should try the stand still approach with Beelzebub back at home.

Anne had finished giving the other donkey an injection and we sat on two stools and talked softly.

"My father is reliving me at 3am, you need not stay" says she
"Oh No I am happy to be here" says I

We chatted and the time sped by without the animals requiring any more assistance when the barn door opened and in walked a very large man. Undoubtedly her father.

"Who are you?" he boomed
"Ger Smyth Sir" I replied
"What the hell are you doing here" says he.

At this point Anne took him aside and talked quietly to him as I surveyed the barn for alternative exits if it got a little fractious. He harrumphed and went to check on the animals as Anne ushered me out the door.

"He takes a while to warm to you" says she
"About 20 years" says I

We agreed to meet later that night as she had the night off, and I will relate the story of when her Father met mine.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on October 22, 2009, 18:46:07 PM
omg u left a teaser in that last sentence...dont take too long to post it!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 22, 2009, 18:47:02 PM

omg u left a teaser in that last sentence...dont take too long to post it!


It"s with the censors and will be posted -- ahem - soon
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 23, 2009, 18:15:40 PM
I had a bit of a lie in the following morning and when I surfaced the odd couple were relaxing in the lounge with the days papers.

"Good night with the donkeys" says the ould lad
"Aye, it was an eye opener" says I

He looked me up and down, plainly disappointed that I had no external injuries.

"I encountered her father last night" says I
"Oh and how was he" says my mother
"A wee bit to the left of Genghis Khan, Da and him would get on well" says I
"What's her name" says my mother
"Anne O'Neill" says I
"What's her father's name" says the ould lad looking thoughtful
"Mr O'Neill" says I
"I see that it's going to be a long day" says he

He then related a story about a Tom O'Neill from Kilkee who was a boarder in St Flannan's at the same time that the ould lad was there. This passed a pleasant 45 minutes whilst myself and my mother completely ignored his monologue. Maybe we should have listened.

That evening we wandered up to the pub and had just settled in when Anne walked in accompanied by her father. FFS this was going to be a good night with us two being chaperoned by the two families.

"Well, if it isn't fecking Tom O'Neill" boomed the ould lad
"Feck me, Michael Smyth" says O'Neill

They stood toe to toe and measured each other up.

"We have unfinished business Michael" says O'Neill
"Aye, that we have" says the ould lad

I looked at my mother and she just shrugged

"Will we finish it now" says the ould lad
"Aye, why not?" says O'Neill

FFS I had just met this girl and now our two fathers' were looking to go a couple of rounds with each other. The rest of the pub had sensed this episode and were casting an eye over the proceedings.

"Will over there do?" says O'Neill
"Aye, good enough" says the ould lad

I just stared at the two of them, my Mother seemed unconcerned and Anne was looking to me for some sort of explanation. FFS I mentally calculated that if the last time these two met was when they were in Flannan's that would be fecking 1939. The barman was looking a little nervous as the two eejit"s removed their coats and pulled a table into the middle of the dance area. They positioned two chairs on either side of the table and sat down.

WTF was going on,

"Ger, over here" says the ould lad

I wander over still none the wiser.

"You can referee, the best of three" says the ould lad
"Referee what" says I
"Arm wrestle you fecking eejit" says he

Knowing better than to argue I got them to steady and said "Go". Now these were two strong men and the competition was fierce. The pub went silent and a crowd gathered around them. The silence gradually was replaced with shouts of encouragement and helpful comments. I looked over at Anne and she looked genuinely puzzled, my mother was still at the bar with a resigned look on her face.

I heard a big cheer and looked over and O'Neill had won round one.

"You got fecking lucky" says the ould lad
"Yeah right" retorted O'Neill "Round 2?"
"Aye" says the ould lad

They resumed hostilities and this went on for ages back and forth with the ould lad under extreme pressure. He pulled the ould give/shove harder trick and took down the second round. They both looked a little shattered at this stage but were glaring at each other across the table. FFS whatever it was they were contesting was over 30 years ago.

"Ger what's going on" says Anne as the protagonists took a wee break
"I have no idea" says I "Ma WTF is going on"
"I think this might be a challenge that was never finished, what over I don't know" says she.

They were about to start the last and deciding round. The place was buzzing as they took positions. This round was momentous as they vied for supremacy. There seemed to be no way of deciding a winner and maybe that's what happened over 30 years ago. Two strong men with no way of finding a winner.

Suddenly as the ould lad seemed to have the upper hand and victory was inevitable O'Neill swung his free hand and popped the ould lad clear on the chin. Reaction was, of course, swift and inevitable as the ould lad threw himself at O'Neill.

There goes a beautiful friendship thought I as I moved to stop the fight.. I needn't have bothered as they had stopped trading blows and were grinning from ear to ear. They embraced each other and headed to the bar.

"Da?" says I and Anne in unison
"Shut up" said Da and O'Neill in unison as they leant on the bar
"Same ending as 34 years ago" says O'Neill
"Aye" says the ould lad "Will we ever have a winner?"

That was only the beginning of a very strange night........
 
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on October 23, 2009, 18:31:13 PM

I don"t normally post MSN chats, but this one deserves the attention of your diary audience:

Quote
(6:19:15 PM) Gerard - The Duke: posted
(6:19:37 PM) Gerard - The Duke: this is only a wee bit the rest of the night was weird even by my standards


So I read the post and follow up with this:

Quote
(6:25:56 PM) Laxie Dawn: oi!
(6:26:06 PM) Laxie Dawn: you have to finish the night at least!
(6:26:17 PM) Gerard - The Duke: it"s difficult lol
(6:26:23 PM) Gerard - The Duke: my brain cells move slowly


I"m doing my best to fight the corner of your faithful readership.  If you drag the rest of that night on for much longer I will be forced to hunt you down!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on October 23, 2009, 22:40:15 PM
"I encountered her father last night" says I

The first time I read this I thought you wrote "entered", thought maybe you were looking to hit the next 20,000 views faster than the first!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 23, 2009, 22:42:30 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on October 23, 2009, 23:30:32 PM
LOL
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 25, 2009, 14:50:12 PM
A few observations from Bolton

APAT as ever delivers - great day, great people
AK to a flopped K and a turn A is cool
KK against 99 is always full of pain
Q 10 shove will always get AQ AK AK all calling and of course an A will always flop
Dan is a luckbox
I have forgiven Leigh
Paul Mc is a pleasure to have at the table
"Live" entertainment in the Casino was excrutiating in the extreme
The poker room was a sauna
I should have drank more (same result but less pain  ::))
Won the buy in at Blackjack
Blackjack "switch" is a very weird game



oh and did I mention I outlasted Junior  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 26, 2009, 18:10:52 PM
Well, O'Neill and the ould lad took to drinking like it was going to be made illegal in an hour's time. Pints with brandy chasers were the order of the day and there was no way I was going to fall into that trap. Besides I had love on my mind!! Anne and myself sat either side of my mother and we had a lovely chat as the two boys took on liquid.

After a while O'Neill staggered towards the toilet while the ould lad bought yet another round. I watched him stagger round a few stools and make his way to the toilet door. Just before he entered the doorway he was grabbed by two fella"s and pushed inside. I took off and realised as I raced towards the door that it was such a slick manoeuvre that no-one else had noticed.

When I opened the door the two heavies had O'Neill against the wall by the hand dryer and whatever they were saying they stopped when I entered. They let him go and turned to face me and as they did O'Neill slipped to the floor and sat down with a bump and a stupid smile on his face.

"Leave now and nothing will happen to you" says one of the heavies
"Can't do that" says I
"Your funeral" says the heavy

FFS was I going to take a pasting for the father of a girl I met yesterday. No brainer, of course I was. I squared up and was considering getting my retaliation in first when the door crashed open. I was wrong, the ould lad had noticed as well. He crashed in, looking for trouble, and his drunken forward momentum took him past me, past the two heavies and sent him crashing into the metal hand dryer. He let out a gasp twisted round and ended up in a heap beside O'Neill with the dryer blowing warm air on top of the two of them.    

With the two lads out of immediate action and the heavies staring at the two of them, I decided whilst they were looking away to get busy. I rammed Heavy 1 against the sink and hit him in the midriff as hard as I could. Turning round, I faced heavy 2, fortunately he was still staring at the two eejit"s on the floor and I managed to send him flying into one of the toilet cubicles, where he crashed into the toilet bowl and gave himself a nasty crack when his head hit the wall above.

The fight taken out of them they backed out the toilet door with the parting shot of..

"We'll get you when you have no minders O'Neill"

FFS, me a minder, I got lucky. Now to get these two eejit's up and out. The door opened and I thought FML they decided to come back. No, it was my Ma and Anne.

"Who were they" says I
"It's a long story" says Anne looking at the two eejit's "Are they OK"
"Yes only their dignity has been battered" says I

The boys managed to get up and stagger past the women as if nothing had happened.

"Thank You" says Anne to me
"Fecking eejit, great help to Ger you were" says my Ma to my father slapping him on the back of his head

That was only the interlude, the rest of the night got really lively......
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Glorious on October 26, 2009, 18:32:40 PM

A few observations from Bolton

APAT as ever delivers - great day, great people
AK to a flopped K and a turn A is cool
KK against 99 is always full of pain
Q 10 shove will always get AQ AK AK all calling and of course an A will always flop
Dan is a luckbox
I have forgiven Leigh
Paul Mc is a pleasure to have at the table
"Live" entertainment in the Casino was excrutiating in the extreme
The poker room was a sauna
I should have drank more (same result but less pain  ::))
Won the buy in at Blackjack
Blackjack "switch" is a very weird game



oh and did I mention I outlasted Junior  ;D



You forgot KK v AA will hit the K high flush  ;)
Good to meet you on Saturday sir.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 27, 2009, 21:28:22 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 28, 2009, 09:47:35 AM
It may seem that I latch onto girls with three large brothers. But, if the truth be told, all girls around my age seemed to have loads of brothers in good old Catholic Ireland.

Anyway I am in Bonny Scotland at the moment and driving down home after lunch, when the final installment of the night will be posted.

I really do not want Dawn hunting me down ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on October 28, 2009, 10:00:04 AM
LOL!!!!!!!  The poor Lad has been tortured with nearly a week. 

"What are you doing?"

"Chilling out."

"Good.  You have time to do another instalment in your diary then."

A few days later....

"What are you doing?"

"Working in Scotland this week.  Just finished for the day and off to the hotel bar for a well deserved pint of the black stuff."

"Good.  Bring yer lappy and you can continue the tale in yer diary thread."

Rinse, repeat...it"s been a looooong week for poor Ger, but to be fair, I did give you a break during Bolton.  lolololololol
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 28, 2009, 22:10:36 PM
tonight is fun night and that includes playing $30 27 SnG"s on PS. Out of my usual range - but what the hell I am at home from 3 days in Scotland, have had a few and am ready to party
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 29, 2009, 17:36:28 PM
I was of course intrigued as to why this particular rumble took place every Tuesday night. I mean, FFS, why only on a Tuesday, and why at all.


So being a direct person, I asked a direct question

"What the feck was that about and why only on a Tuesday" says I
"It used to be every time we met but we had a meeting and decided to limit the hostilities to one night only" says O'Neill
"FFS you had a meeting" says I
"Aye" says he
"And the only thing to come out of this meeting was a fight night, no other resolution" says I
"Yes there were other resolutions, like no hostilities at all in Christmas or Easter week and if one of either party's people were sick the opposition would reduce their numbers by one. Tonight's toilet issue was a departure from the agreed agenda." Says he

I must have been hit on the head as I didn't understand this at all.

"So, in the light of this "departure" what going to happen now" says I
"We will call another meeting" says O'Neill
"And at this meeting will you discuss the core issue of land ownership" says I
"Oh no, only the fight rules" says O'Neill
"Will the issue of land every be resolved" says I
"Well to be honest, I am not arsed whether it is or not, we only need clarity around the fight night rules" says he

I had been beamed up to La La land and had been given hallucinogenic drugs. I looked at Anne and she shrugged. I looked at the ould lad, and he was nodding sagely as if the situation was completely normal.

"Of course, now that you are going out with Anne we will have to allow them to add one of the other brothers to even it up" says O'Neill

If they thought I was going to appear for "fight night" every week they had another think coming.

"No Da" says one of the sons "we distinctly said in the last meeting that additions could only be made to any side if the addition was married to the sister"

"Oh that's right, so when are you two getting married" says O'Neill

Whoa, this was progressing in quite the wrong direction as my mischievous mother started congratulating the two of us. I wisely kept my trap shut as Anne took my hand and winked at me.

"Right, drinks all round to the lucky couple" says O'Neill

contd.......
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on October 29, 2009, 17:59:03 PM
OMG LOL
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on October 29, 2009, 18:49:09 PM
Jesus wept, just off Space Mountain and now this?!?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Hammerheid on October 30, 2009, 02:49:10 AM
i just wonder where this is going but i must admit to pmsl
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 30, 2009, 17:50:49 PM
I woke up the next morning with a bit of a head, last night really was just a dream wasn't it. Don't kid yourself Ger, no it wasn't. The night ended ok with Anne and myself laughing off the preposterous suggestions of marriage. The problem was her ould lad seemed serious. Nah he was just taking the piss, wasn't he?

I went out into the kitchen to the ould lad's off tune whistling of Mendelssohn"s "Wedding March".  FFS he had a warped sense of humour. My mother was looking through Todd's clothing catalogue paying particular attention to ensembles with floppy hats.

"Knock it off" says I
"Pre nuptial nerves" says the ould lad

Sigh, it would probably be better if I said feck all and the joke would run its course.

Anyway I cast that to the back of my mind and enquired what we were going to do today.

"We are going shark fishing" says the ould lad
"Feck off, what are we really doing" says I
"Going shark fishing off Doonbeg" says the ould lad. "Your prospective Father-in-law sorted it out for us"

You'll be sleeping with the fecking fishes if you keep that up ould lad I thought to myself.

Should be a bit of craic anyway. We got ready and headed off to the harbour in Doonbeg. When we arrived we asked about and were directed to a boat at the end of the pier. It wasn't exactly the Calypso but it looked sturdy enough and the skipper looked the part. He had all the gear we required and we hopped aboard and the ould lad negotiated the going rate, paid the man and we set off.

We were the only three in the boat and the skipper went about instructing us on the safety etc. We ran for about 30 minutes and were informed that here we were to fish for mackerel, which was to be the bait for the sharks. Now mackerel are easy fish to catch, just drop a line with 6 lures, six tugs, and then reel in a full line of fish.

When we had enough of mackerel we steamed further out and the skipper started to drop some feeder bait out of the foulest smelling bucket I had ever had the misfortune to put my nose near. Now I am not the best sailor and that did the trick, the morning's breakfast went over the side. Swiftly followed by yesterday's tea and some of my stomach lining.

God I was ill and my mood wasn't made any better by the ould lad doing his impression of Captain Pugwash, stopping short of actually talking in a stage Pirate's accent. With the stomach empty I wasn't felling to bad but I sat out for a while watching the skipper help the ould lad hook up.

He was fishing for only a few minutes, when the tip of his rod twitched, then damn near bend double.

"Hang on Michael, smoothly does it" says the skipper.

Under the tutelage of the skipper the ould lad began to reel in whatever he had snagged. The skipper reckoned it was a shark and a goodly one.

"Gently, no jerks" says the skipper

Now telling the ould lad to be gentle was like telling a piranha to become a vegetarian. As the clock ticked the old lad got more impatient to land the monster of the deep at the end of his line.

"Gently" says the skipper

Gently my arse, the rod was bent double as the ould lad reeled and pulled at the same time, with his body leaning backwards as he heaved at the rod. I was watching this in fascination and expectation. Not because of the battle between man and a denizen of the deep, but more wandering when the line was going to break and how far backwards the ould lad would go.

The skipper had the same idea I think, and came out from behind the ould lad and stepped to one side still trying to get him to calm down.

The line broke.

The ould lad shot backwards and landed in a heap right on top of the foul smelling shark bait. He lay there for a moment getting his senses amid an expectant silence on the boat. He delivered a continuous stream of obscenities that echoed around the boat and over the water. If the creature that was on the end of his line was listening he was now dead through sheer force of will.

I did not improve the ould lads mood by collapsing to my knees weak with laughter and my mother was doing her best not to laugh and eventually failing. Even the skipper cracked a smile.

That was the only bite we had that day, but the memory of the ould lad in the pile of offal (and the way he smelled all the way back) will stay with me forever. As will his stories of how Moby Dick got away, as the boat chugged back to the harbour, the fish gained the dimensions of the QEII.

Priceless......
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on October 30, 2009, 18:01:19 PM
LMAOOOO!!!

Ah well.  At least ye caught some mackerel.   ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on October 30, 2009, 18:10:50 PM
LMAO :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 30, 2009, 18:17:34 PM
Oh and a little brag post

Iceland IT department won the Retail Systems IT team of the year last night. I like to think that my efforts played a wee part (over 100 nights in fecking hotel rooms this year alone FFS installing a new WMS application)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on October 30, 2009, 18:38:25 PM
Thats why Dukes goes to Iceland!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on October 31, 2009, 14:42:40 PM
When we docked we had a bit of a quandary. What to do with "fish man" on the journey home. He really stank and there was no way we could stick that for the 15 minute drive back to the house.

So I had a plan, I would drive and my mother would ride shotgun and we would put the ould lad in the boot. Before you cry cruelty, it was an estate car and he could sit in the space behind the back seat. We opened all the windows and left the back door of the car open.

Now, of course I would have to drive fairly slowly as the ould lad would have no seat belt or proper seat, and he would be rolling round the back if I drove at any speed. So being the caring son that I am, I took off like a lunatic.

He was gripping the back seat and swearing beautifully as we covered the 10 miles without losing him. Whenever I braked he smacked into the back of the seat and it was a good job that it was only a 1.6 or every time I accelerated I might have lost him out the back. I was watching in the mirror and although I knew I would pay for this 15 minutes for a long time, it was sadistically worth it.

I braked to a halt outside the house and he rolled out the back and called me all the names under the sun as he went inside. Showered and the clothes incinerated he was in a better mood that evening as we set out for the pub. Anne was on donkey duty so it was to be a quiet couple of pints and back to the house.

WRONG......

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 01, 2009, 11:19:39 AM
Now because of the bouncing I had given the ould lad on the way back to the house, he never gave up on the snide remarks all the way to the pub, and in the pub. He was milking this marriage thing.

I had expected this, so I retreated into a reverse mind mode. You know, he would say something but my mind would picture something else.

"You're a little young and irresponsible to be getting married" says he
I pictured the tree falling on the tractor

"Your life will fall in around you" says he
I pictured the store roof collapsing in the car engine episode

"You will have to start making proper decisions" says he
I pictured the rush of water blasting him backwards at the bridge clearing episode

"You will have to listen" says he
I pictured him in the shark bait

"You will have to grow up" says he
I pictured him flying over the table in the Kelly episode

Well as this tirade was developing I could see my mother looking at the ould lad and getting slightly madder with every sentence, until she exploded.

She proceeded to tell him, in no uncertain terms that he should practice what he preached and for the last 25 years she had seen none of those qualities that he was rabbiting on about. Well, Thank God, that shut him up and silence descended. I could see he was itching to say more, she was itching to say more and I was bottling up some frustration at the whole insane marriage thing.

Because it's a small community and everyone knows everyone's business, all the locals knew about the fight and the surreal marriage thing. However, because of the mood we were in,  it was a real moment of extreme bad timing when some idiots at the bar decided to take the piss out of the whole situation....

contd
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 02, 2009, 19:57:35 PM
As timing's go these boys were well off, worse than a shove with air and running into Aces. I told the ould folks to stay put and approached the gaggle at the bar.

"You want to continue this conversation outside" I snarled
"Sorry" says one of the chosen few
"Keep your mouths shut or outside now" says I
"We meant no harm" says another "Only having a bit of fun"
"Fun's over, put up or shut up" says I
"We apologise, no harm done" says matey boy

Deflated and feeling vaguely cheated I turned on my heel and went back to the table. Before I reached it the ould lad stood up and made his way towards the group.

"My son not good enough for you" he says
"Eh" they chorused
"Right that's an insult to me, outside now" he says
"FFS we apologise to you as well" says one of the crestfallen

The ould lad looked like a two year old that had its lollipop nicked as he wandered back to the table. I was about to ask him what the hell he was up to when my mother got up to do her shift FFS.

"If you won't fight the men, are women your level" says my Ma
"Jesus Maam you are all fecking mad, we are leaving" says puzzled man
"Typical" says my Ma

With looks of pure comical bewilderment they downed their drinks and damn near fell over each other to get out the door.

"Now what are we going to do for the rest of the night" says the ould lad
"We could try the pub you are barred from" says I dripping with sarcasm
"Hmm" says the ould lad completely missing the sarcasm, I must work on that.
"Hmm" says my Ma
"FFS, I was joking" says I
"Finish up Michael I fancy another drink in that other lounge" says my Ma

They finished their drinks and stood up.

"You coming Ger" says my Ma

FML
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 03, 2009, 18:15:11 PM
I have had a shiite day at work
Marie has moved back in following a lover"s tiff
I will have to do the Parent thing and listen
I have other pressures that are doing my head in and that I need to sort quickly
I will drink myself to distraction tonight
Normal service will be resumed shortly

bring on Vegas I need a break
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on November 03, 2009, 22:06:03 PM
Great read Ger, good luck with the parent thing this evening.  :)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 03, 2009, 22:35:44 PM

Great read Ger, good luck with the parent thing this evening.  :)


I have been trained for most things in my work life - however some parental things aren"t easy, but I reckon it"s all about providing a shoulder and listening I can do that  ;D my problems can wait
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 08, 2009, 19:13:27 PM
Played the SPT yesterday in Manchester and although I did not go much over starting stack, it was an enjoyable day, 5k starting and a 30 minute clock. No real hands to talk about, just a good few hours before going out when I shoved my 4k (300/600/50) with J 10 spades and was called by A 5 and no help.

Oh well the next live game I will play will be in Vegas next Saturday and I will  share the ups and downs of that den of iniquity on here.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on November 08, 2009, 20:12:31 PM
Lookin" forward to reading about it Ger. GL out there!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on November 08, 2009, 20:35:04 PM

Lookin" forward to reading about it Ger. GL out there!

+1
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on November 08, 2009, 23:03:52 PM

Played the SPT yesterday in Manchester and although I did not go much over starting stack, it was an enjoyable day, 5k starting and a 30 minute clock. No real hands to talk about, just a good few hours before going out when I shoved my 4k (300/600/50) with J 10 spades and was called by A 5 and no help.

Oh well the next live game I will play will be in Vegas next Saturday and I will  share the ups and downs of that den of iniquity on here.


Good to catch up yesterday Ger and the very best of luck in Las Vegas.  I"m not jealous, I"m not jealous, *******!   :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 09, 2009, 20:40:33 PM
My daughter Marie was in a taxi last night that was sideswiped by another car - cue conv today

"You OK"
"Bit sore"
"Whats next - seen a Doctor"
"Yes"
"What did he say"
"I should get at least £2,000"

LOL just LOL
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 10, 2009, 17:58:54 PM
Ok so the Chezger migration to Vegas has begun, well a little trickle anyway. The first stalwart will depart from Manchester, tomorrow, on the Thomas Cook sandwich express. It is billed as a direct flight, but I believe it hops down in Edinburgh to pick a few strays from North of the border.

Two more depart on Saturday from Manchester (via Newark). Don't ever say we are predictable when it comes to travel arrangements.

That means this year we are a depleted crew, but will cause a wee bit of havoc anyway. We are billeted at the Imperial Palace and will be frequenting numerous casinos in order to boost our meagre bankrolls.

As I have posted elsewhere if anyone is in the vicinity give me a text and we can have a few beers and maybe a bit of craic at the tables.

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: janc on November 10, 2009, 18:33:56 PM
12 hrs and I"ll be sat at manchester airport on my 2nd bottle of Bud, arr
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: KarmaDope on November 10, 2009, 22:08:30 PM

My daughter Marie was in a taxi last night that was sideswiped by another car - cue conv today

"You OK"
"Bit sore"
"Whats next - seen a Doctor"
"Yes"
"What did he say"
"I should get at least £2,000"

LOL just LOL



She"s in the wars at the moment, isn"t she? £2000 nothing to moan about though ;)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 11, 2009, 07:23:30 AM
One Chezger member safely dropped at the airport this morning, roll on Saturday. Was up to take Dan to the airport this morning at the unearthly hour at 5am, fired up the PC and was asked to upgrade AVG free. Every step of the way it was exhorting the need to upgrade to the $49 version. It took a while to find the link to upgrade my free version, but it is there buried in the small print at the bottom.

Anyway it got me thinking that they must (and other providers) be losing so much revenue because of this free product.

I find it ok and feel it's a good as any of the others.

Back at home from the airport and am felling restless I want to be in Vegas NOW......
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on November 11, 2009, 08:59:32 AM
Quote
AVG Free


You might want to run an F-Secure Online Virus Scan (http://www.f-secure.com/en_EMEA/security/security-lab/tools-and-services/online-scanner/index.html) if you"ve been using AVG in the past.

I shocked a few APATers around this time last year ... I think Mair"s 38 infected files (from 17 Spyware and 2 Viruses) was the least, all of which got through Super Anti Spyware, AVG and Zone Alarm. 4 Viruses+ wasn"t / isn"t uncommon.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 11, 2009, 09:29:33 AM
Ran it - no infected files - (n.b. I do use another mal/spy periodically)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: AMRN on November 11, 2009, 10:23:11 AM
hmmmmm interestingly, ran it on my work laptop which is protected by a corporate McAfee solution.... and it found 15 infected files!!  So much for the corporate protection huh?!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: jbworldwide on November 11, 2009, 11:05:09 AM

hmmmmm interestingly, ran it on my work laptop which is protected by a corporate McAfee solution.... and it found 15 infected files!!  So much for the corporate protection huh?!



does that mean I can unblock you on msn as the spamming has stopped? Or was it actually you trying sell me cheap Viagra ;)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 12, 2009, 21:07:13 PM
Two sleeps to Vegas, Chezger denizen number 1 is already in Vegas and according to the last text is not running very well. He needs my advice and guidance... lol

Bags are almost packed, just got to go to the shops tomorrow and fill up the freezer for Fat Boy Slim  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: samuel_9 on November 12, 2009, 21:38:25 PM
glk young man enjoy
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 12, 2009, 23:09:56 PM
Guaranteed
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on November 13, 2009, 06:26:06 AM
Have a gr8 time Ger, look forward to reading all about it.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: AMRN on November 13, 2009, 10:24:38 AM
hmmmm Vegas or Luton, Vegas or Luton.............    oh beggar it - have a good one Ger.

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: nyerun on November 13, 2009, 13:21:27 PM
enjoy it, and win loads of money so you can rebuy even more for the Wednesday Satellite ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 13, 2009, 18:45:37 PM
Today at work Jason (who is travelling to Vegas for the first time) starts the days conversation

"What time will I pick you up Ger" says he
"8.30am is fine" says I
"I"ll be there at 7 just in case" says he
"8.30" says I
"Is that time enough" says he
"yes" says I
"I"ll leave my house early anyway just in case of traffic" says he
"FFS you live 4 miles away" says I
"Can"t be too careful, see you at 7" says he

FML

Oh and as an aside I land at 9.30 on Sunday 22nd - so I will be barreling down the M1 to luton to play the OMAHA.

Couldn"t miss an APAT  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 13, 2009, 18:52:14 PM
Janc sent me a media message today and because my MMS is not set up right I was directed to the website to see it. It was a text that said "day2 won 1083 bucks" well done that man.

However I did not cop on that it was him and thought it was dan - so I texted Dan and said very well done. I got a text back

"Feck off I am getting no luck and even losing loads in limit games, stop taking the piss and I will see you saturday"

ooops

LOL
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: samuel_9 on November 13, 2009, 19:51:13 PM

Janc sent me a media message today and because my MMS is not set up right I was directed to the website to see it. It was a text that said "day2 won 1083 bucks" well done that man.

However I did not cop on that it was him and thought it was dan - so I texted Dan and said very well done. I got a text back

"Feck off I am getting no luck and even losing loads in limit games, stop taking the piss and I will see you saturday"

ooops

LOL
ODEAR
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 13, 2009, 20:08:10 PM
Text from Dan

"No joy again. I"m getting murdered, and it"s hard doing bad beat stories by text. Hurry up and get here! Safe journey tomorrow."

Bless ! He needs my drunken guidance   ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on November 13, 2009, 22:58:14 PM
Safe journey and good cards.  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on November 14, 2009, 06:41:56 AM
Have a great trip and safe travels!  See you next week, but in the meantime - a little something for your entertainment

http://irishsoccerinsider.wordpress.com/2009/     ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 15, 2009, 16:23:05 PM
After protracted travel, Chezger never get it rght, We hit Vegas at 11pm local time. Had a few beers and won $300 at 3 card poker, pure skill I tell ya.

On a shiite not I cannot get on to BSQ to play the league final "Real money is not possible from your local juristriction" FML

Ok so I will have to see if player number 5 can play on my account or something FML
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 16, 2009, 16:39:51 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 16, 2009, 16:44:06 PM
Oh and I got a text from Laxie last night that nearly got me thrown out of the casino -- LOL
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on November 16, 2009, 16:44:51 PM
LMAOOOO  Imagine how I felt FFS!!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 18, 2009, 15:41:01 PM
Final tabled Monday in the 12 o"clock at Caesar"s after 5 hours (108 runners)

Entry fee $85
Win $100 (2.2k for 1st)
20% to Dan
20% to Jason
profit -$25 its a funny old game

Out 12th/98 Tuesday in same tourney A9 shove, KQ call, Q on flop -- out after 4 hours

Pai Gow is the game of choice, $20 profit after 4 hours and 10 $1 drinks. Positive drinking game IMO

Apologies for the brevity of these posts - will get my head around other notable incidents later
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Swinebag on November 18, 2009, 16:38:26 PM

Pai Gow is the game of choice, $20 profit after 4 hours and 10 $1 drinks. Positive drinking game IMO


"Guy Powers Poker"

Paul loved this game!!

WD on cashing!!

surely its 20% of profits you have of each other.

you not fancy the Venetian Deepstacks??
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: AJDUK on November 18, 2009, 16:51:57 PM

you not fancy the Venetian Deepstacks??

Agreed - get yourself to the Venetian, deeper stacks + longer clock and IMHO slightly softer game than at Caesars due to lower proportion of locals. GL.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: chillijam on November 18, 2009, 19:02:32 PM



Entry fee $85
Win $100 (2.2k for 1st)
20% to Dan
20% to Jason
profit -$25 its a funny old game




Would you not split after stake??  ???

WP anyway on your loss...  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Cyntaf on November 18, 2009, 19:22:08 PM
yep agreed, hit the venetian or get lots more guy powers.(you really should be covering your drinks[tips] bill and a  lot more). GP FTW c"mon Ger n guys. :D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 24, 2009, 21:39:27 PM
Had to buy a new lappy and get it set up (Carl FTW) normal service will be resumed tomorrow
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on November 25, 2009, 19:04:33 PM
Couldn"t be helped.............

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qf2CWrSMczk&feature=player_embedded[/youtube]
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 25, 2009, 19:16:43 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 25, 2009, 19:18:17 PM
The trip started smoothly (which makes a distinct change for Chezger) with Jason picking me up from my house at 8.30am. We headed for Manchester, parked the car in the shuttle park and took the bus to the terminal. I then proceeded to ingest enough nicotine to be able to survive for 16 hours.

The flight to Newark was uneventful, as we were in the "you get what you pay for" seats the food was Shiite but we had individual headrest monitors with a variety of films etc to pass the time. Passing through immigration was a chore as the queue shuffled its way towards the jobsworth that is the Department of Homeland Security. Apart from the time it took we had no hiccups.

We had a couple of hours to kill which was of course spent in the bar. The flight to Las Vegas was again uneventful apart from Jason's weak bladder, which caused him to beat a path to the toilets every couple of minutes.

We hit some severe turbulence at one point and the seat belt lights came on and we were told to sit down immediately. That was fine until Jason needed a pee.

"I gotta go" says he
"Then go" says I
"They'll shout at me" says he
"Then tell them it's either let me up or a wet seat" says I

I stood up to let him out and it was as if I had thrown an action switch. The steward rushed for the microphone and repeated the spiel about the light being on blah blah blah. I motioned Jason to get to the toilet and it was going to be a race to see if he would get to the toilet before stickler steward intercepted him. Jason won by a short head. The steward continued towards me, but I had sat down, buckled up and was reading my book. I looked up and he was standing outside the toilet door, obviously waiting to trot out his prepared indignant speech.

Jason must have wanted more than a pee because he was taking an inordinately long time in there, so long in fact that the turbulence had passed and the light went out, thoroughly pissing off the steward who dejectedly stomped back to the front of the plane.

We landed, got to the hotel and checked in with a minimum of fuss, had a quick shower and hit the Casino floor. Being a bit tired we contented ourselves with a bit of 3 card poker and a few beers. I spun $100 up to $400 and went to bed fairly happy just before midnight.

I was determined that I would enjoy my days by retiring around the same time every night and getting up early to enjoy the delights of this city. Obviously after the first night this did not happen.

Contd........
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on November 25, 2009, 19:35:09 PM
...Here we go, buckling in...
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Swinebag on November 25, 2009, 20:01:08 PM
great stuff ger. I"d better finish mine off....
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 26, 2009, 17:43:52 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 27, 2009, 17:47:53 PM
It was 10.00am when I woke up Monday morning, not quite as chipper as the previous morning. However, as usual, the first discussion of the day was about where we were to have breakfast. My head was saying "Good Idea" but my stomach was saying "No fecking way, I will reject and projectile vomit any foreign substance that tries to get in here"

Because of the time constraint (we were again playing the 12 at Caesar's) we wandered over there and into the restaurant next to reception. I managed to force down an omelette and a couple of cups of coffee and was as right as I ever would be.

11:55 at the table, beer ordered. The game for once was in my favour and I made the first break with 12k, the second break with 20k and the third break with 23k, which was just about average chips.

We reconvened after the break and had a lively table. There was a man from Dublin, with a very strong inner city accent, on the table who told us a story about the night before in the Mirage when he was admonished by the dealer and told it was only English at the table. "I wouldn't mind" says he "but it's my only fecking language".

An American at the same table displayed an innocent ignorance when conversing with a man who had come all the way from Tahiti.

"Do you live in a house" says the American

cue me with the reply "No he lives in a tent on the beach"

"I didn't mean it that way" says the American, who then proceeded to shovel himself deeper into the hole by trying to explain his rationale.

I made the final table (10, 9 paid but everyone tossed in $10 to give the bubble boy some dosh back). I of course was that bubble boy when my creative play in early position was completely misunderstood by the calling station that was the big stack.

Off to Planet Hollywood then for their evening battle, which I did not really enjoy. The main reason I think is to do with the actual position of the card room. Played badly with no real interest and donked out early and retired to the delights of the IP.

I hung out on the three card poker table with Dolly Parton and later with Elwood Blues, lost a wee bit and decided it was much more drink positive to play some limit poker. The usual villains were at the table and there was a collective sigh as I sat down.

"Going to play any two, boy"
"Maybe"
"Sheeeet"

contd.........
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 28, 2009, 16:33:58 PM
Ireland 15 - 10 SA

Great match - O"Driscoll does feck all in the match but makes the thumping tackle that stops the boks -

Great match -- fridge well in action at the mo
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: KarmaDope on November 28, 2009, 18:21:14 PM

Ireland 15 - 10 SA

Great match - O"Driscoll does feck all in the match but makes the thumping tackle that stops the boks -

Great match -- fridge well in action at the mo


Nice win.

Now get back to the Vegas updates plz!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 28, 2009, 18:57:42 PM
(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/DSC01627.JPG) Jason in familiar attire at the PaiGow table


(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/DSC01634.JPG) Jason in Binnion"s


(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/DSC01644.JPG) The fountains


(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/DSC01628.JPG) Freemont experience
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 28, 2009, 21:40:05 PM
What I hate about Christmas

1. Christmas Cards
Nothing says "I don"t really give a feck about you" like a Christmas card that comes out of a box of twenty identical Christmas cards. Also if anyone e-mails me a Christmas picture this year, I will track them down and do interesting things to them with a fork.

2 CHRISTMAS TREES
At our house, we have the same artificial tree for the last 15 years (Which incidently is not going up this year). So why buy a real one? For the pine scent? (Go out and sniff a pine cone) For the joy of vacuuming pine needles off the rug every day? What?? I don"t get it. And then, after New Year"s Day, you see the most depressing thing ever: all the dead, rejected trees sitting outside, waiting to be taken to the dump. Mutilate a living thing, take it home, hang shiite on it, then kick it to the dump: That"s everything evil about Christmas in a nutshell.

3 CHRISTMAS PARTIES
Especially work-related. My Christmas party this year comes after a long day for me. After such a day, I want to go home and be alone. Then every year there"s some sort of idiotic theme to the gift-giving (more on that later). This year, though, everyone has to buy something red. (I was going to give a vial of my own blood, but I didn"t think that would go down too well.)

4 CHRISTMAS GREED
This time of year is when you start overhearing the little brats screaming to their parents that they want the toy du jour. Parents are caught in a cruel bind: They can"t very well say "Sorry, kids, xxxxxx are expensive and hard to find," because then the little shiites will just ask Santa for one. So the parents pretty much have to pay through the nose for it anyway.

5 CHRISTMAS CAROLS
There are three TWISTED CHRISTMAS records -- The cattle-prod rendition of "O Holy Night", "A Christmas Carol" and "12 Days of Christmas" ("On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me -- a beer"). All Christmas music should be  dumped into a large hole, set on fire, and pissed on.

6 CHRISTMAS MOVIES
I only recognize two Christmas movies: SCROOGED (for Bill Murray) and ONE MAGIC CHRISTMAS (for sick laughs)

7 A CHRISTMAS CAROL
There are several good modern variations on it, but you know what? Dickens" perennial fable of redemption is the granddaddy of a thousand lame movie.

8 CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
The insanity begins in November, when anyone with two brain cells to rub together will stay the hell away from anything resembling a shop. Somehow, though, the idiots come out in force every year. And there"s no let-up until at least the second week of January, because even after Christmas, people return their shiitty gifts. And it"s not as if the Christmas shopping season begins in November: you start seeing Christmas commercials and store decorations as early as October. Which brings me to...

9 CHRISTMAS SHOPPERS (EARLY-BIRDS)
The only thing worse than the moron who waits until December 24 to do all his or her Christmas shopping is the smug woman who has all her shopping done by July. That"s not misogynist: It"s always women who shop this far in advance. (Name three men who have their shopping done before December.) Now, so as not to piss off (women) who conscientiously buy their Christmas gifts a little at a time during the year: I am speaking here of the ones who can"t resist telling you, "Oh, I got all my shopping done before July." In other words: It"s fine by me if they do it; I just don"t want to hear it. Because it makes me want to divide such people into 17 asymmetrical pieces. So for those people, some advice: If the topic comes up ... lie. Claim that you"re even farther behind on your shopping than the rest of us. That"s the best gift you can give your friends.

10 CHRISTMAS GIFTS
The whole giving-and-getting thing is complete bollix: When you exchange gifts with someone, you feel bad if the gift you gave them is cheaper than the gift they gave you; you also feel bad if it"s the reverse. "Wow, a DVD player! Uh ... thanks ... I got you a bag of crisps." You calculate just how much to spend on each person, which means you"re basically putting a price on your love. How much is your mother worth? £150? £200? How about your cousin? One great reason to stay away from romance is the agonising over what to get your boy/girlfriend that first Christmas. And what to get his/her parents, siblings, etc....And of course he/she (usually she) will say, "You don"t have to get me anything. Just as long as we can spend Christmas together." This, let me tell you, is absolute crap.

Have a good festive season  ;D ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on November 28, 2009, 21:49:47 PM
I"m with you Ger.  100%  Stupid feckin holiday anyway.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Eck on November 29, 2009, 00:35:53 AM
LOL yer a pair of miserable feckers
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: SirPercival on November 29, 2009, 10:12:54 AM
Are we getting a "What I love about Christmas".

I guess along the lines of

1. FOOD

2. DRINK

3. LEFT OVER FOOD

4. MORE DRINK

actually, now I think about it they are in the wrong order aren"t they?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on November 29, 2009, 12:35:27 PM
More importantly...why has "Food" got 2 lines?!  They don"t know us at all Ger.  Sigh.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 29, 2009, 14:19:13 PM
10 things to get the woman of your life for Christmas

1.A nice eternity necklace

A perfect gift to those who want to show their woman that they want to be with them forever, shaped like a noose and coming complete with a scaffold

2. A promise ring

This always works and you can keep your promise to push her under the nearest bus

3. Teddy Bears

Teddy bears will never die out! Girls love stuffed animals, especially if you spray a little of your arsenic compound all over it.

4. What she wants

If she had ever told you what she wanted try to keep that stored in your memory. Then get her the exact opposite of what she asked for. She will hate you for it.

5. His/Her gift

They have so many couples gifts that it makes it easy to shop for her perfect gift. For example, his/her power tools let her know that you want people to know you're taken by her and vice versa. There are also season tickets, blow up dolls and a year's subscription to Poker News

6. Perfume

An easy way out is to get her perfume. Go to the market and ask the nearest old age pensioner what her favourite smell is.

7. Shopping

Take her out shopping. A girl will go crazy if you tell her, "Sweetheart for Christmas I"m taking you shopping." Most girls will not believe their ears because lets be real, men never do this. Then tell her that her bum looks big in everything.

8. A Pet

Get her a pet! A Rottweiler, alligator anything really that will take lumps out of her

9. Make her a card

Yes, lads I said make not buy. Then you can put in a mercury switch wired to some semtex.

10. Original present

Pretend to put yourself in an oversize box in order to surprise her. Wire this box to the National Grid.


Believe me she will love you for this.   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on November 29, 2009, 20:10:03 PM
Duke

Hates; Christmas and Women

Likes; Poker and Drink

Bit of a lad"s lad ain"t ya Ger??  8)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 30, 2009, 17:46:12 PM
Hoi - you will be starting rumours  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on November 30, 2009, 17:48:35 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 01, 2009, 19:16:30 PM
Making one's true love happy will cost a whopping £87,403 this year, a fairly small increase on last year.

That's the grand total for the single partridge in a pear tree to the 12 drummers drumming, purchased repeatedly as the song suggests. The price is up a mere £794, or less than 1 percent, from £86,609 last year.

The cost of buying each item just once is increasing this year to £21,466, up 1.8 percent from last year's £21,081.
The modest increase is due to lower energy costs and fewer wage increases.

The main driver behind the higher cost is that the price of gold has increased 43 percent, bringing the five gold rings up £150 to £500.

Although wage increases were modest, nine ladies dancing, at £5,473 per performance, is the costliest item, surpassing that of any of the material goods.

The most expensive goods are the seven swans a-swimming at £5,250, but their cost decreased 6.3 percent from last year's £5,600. Their cost tends to be the most volatile because of supply and demand; they were up 33 percent last year over 2007.

Costs for the 10 lords a-leaping (£4,414 per performance), 11 pipers piping (£2,285 per performance) and 12 drummers drumming (£2,475 per performance) remained the same as last year. This reflects the labour market in which the unemployment rate has risen.

And for those who would shop online, a word of caution.

Buying each item once on the internet will cost £31,435, which is down from last year's online price, but still about £10,000 more than in the traditional index.

In general, Internet prices are higher than their non-Internet counterparts because of shipping costs for birds and the convenience factor of shopping online.


Have a nice time buying your pressies
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: SirPercival on December 01, 2009, 20:14:05 PM
I would guess you could buy nine ladies dancing, on the internet, for a lot less than $5,743.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Marty719 on December 01, 2009, 20:33:07 PM
Yea......................."guess"   ::)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 01, 2009, 21:11:06 PM

I would guess you could buy nine ladies dancing, on the internet, for a lot less than $5,743.


That would get you 4 women in the Saphire club in Vegas for 4 hours (or so I was led to believe)  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on December 02, 2009, 03:35:16 AM


I would guess you could buy nine ladies dancing, on the internet, for a lot less than $5,743.


That would get you 4 women in the Saphire club in Vegas for 4 hours (or so I was led to believe)  ;D ;D ;D


Ah, but I"d bet they can"t work a dove soap dispenser HALF as good as the 2 Dubs.  Just sayin...........
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 03, 2009, 08:16:00 AM
Every once in a while you decide the world and his Mother is out to get you. Well, they are. I have a few poker sites on the laptop, all the usual suspects, and they all have one thing in common. They are out to shaft me. I think that every time I sign on to a site it rings a bell deep in the bowels of that particular organisation alerting some wizened Gnome to action. Rubbing his hands with glee (not unlike the action of Sitting Bull when he saw General Custer coming down the valley) he sets the wheels in motion.

"Right let's see, give him QQ  and give the loosest player on the table 10 7 and ping a 7 7 2 flop"

"OK next, give him AA and let two other aggressive players on the table have QQ and AK respectively so we get a guaranteed three way all in. Then give him a bit of hope with a A 10 2 rainbow flop, Pop a Q on the turn to give the QQ man a bit of hope (after all he pissed us off by winning yesterday). Then provide the killer blow (let's delay the river by a few seconds) and smack a J down to give the AK man his straight

"We have analysed his play and games will be over quicker if we get rid of him early"

My life is being controlled by machines (well one machine interface, multi machine cartels out to get me) but I am about to fight back.

No longer will my life revolve around my laptop, no longer will I be a slave to its constant bleeping, pinging ways. Tonight will be the first night in two years that whilst being at home I have not played Internet Poker. I am free, free I tell you.

How is an addicted man such as me going to stay internet poker free I hear you say? It's easy, the laptop failed the "fling it against the wall" test last night and I have to rebuild the spare one.

Fk my life

By the way £5 to charity for this God awful whinging blog post
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: lukybugur on December 03, 2009, 08:59:15 AM
Quote
the laptop failed the "fling it against the wall" test last night


The new Windows 7 lappy ... ? Oh dear, such a short life :(
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on December 03, 2009, 10:41:52 AM
Ya big eeejit!!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 03, 2009, 17:46:52 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 05, 2009, 13:48:25 PM
Once more after approximately 4 hour's kip, I struggled into the real world. Now if the world of Vegas could ever be described as real I don't know. With the food hoover gone, breakfast was a tad more leisurely, coffee and a Danish was more than enough.

We toodled along to the old PaiGow table for a couple of hours before the obligatory Caesar's tournament and have the other must, the first beer of the day.

Strategy sorted in my own head I sat down to a complete table of nutters  and the strategy went straight out the window. 10x raises were the order of the day and I had a stark choice. Keep my head down and fold or fight fire with fire. Feck it, let's party. Every raise into me was greeted with a huge re raise. The table settled down then to some nice banter and good poker.

An enjoyable part of the first table was some elaborate speech play from the hippie on my left. To be perfectly honest he must have been watching too much Phil Hell Mouth.

"I will call any raise" says he while I thought
"All in" says I
"Fold" says he

He was under the gun to my big blind and he made a huge raise. It was folded round to me.

"Hah, you can't call that" says he with a steely stare
"You"re right.... I"m all in" says I
"Fold" says he after a oscaresque tank

Rinse and repeat for a wee while until he eventually called one of my pushes and tables QQ, I table KQ ooops, a full board of indifferent clubs and my K takes the pot and he slinks off into the sunset. Sometimes this game can be so satisfying.

I went out after 4 hours when I ran into a bigger pair no problem had a good time. Jason was doing pretty good and was looking FT material so I hit the casino and spun $100 up to $110 after an hour or so of blackjack. Hey profit is profit.

Jason was still in, 11 left. Two tables and two all ins, Jason's 99 was beat and the tables broke to 9. UL bubble boy LOL. Cue discussion about whether he could have folded and waited till FT. He is asking me advice FFS.

Touristy bit for a couple of hours in and out of casino's before settling for the long haul at the old limit poker.

"Going to play any two, boy"
"Maybe"
"Sheeeet"

contd.........      
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 05, 2009, 14:06:10 PM
Oh yeah Heidi the Canadian -- now that"s with the censors
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 05, 2009, 14:18:35 PM
Wed 9 Dec - $5 rebuy satellite into main event
2,500 stack, 10 min blinds

Roll up, Roll up - put this night in your diary and pray to the poker god"s that you are drawn on my table as I will be going all in, regardless of stack, every hand for the first orbit of the night.


caveat: That is of course if I don"t qualify in any of the previous nights sats. But like that is going to happen  ::) ::)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 06, 2009, 15:46:46 PM

Friday was a surreal day, not just because it was our last day, but also because the weeks excesses were really catching up on me. I felt like Shiite to be honest. However I manfully raised my woolly head off the pillow at approx 10am, took a shower and staggered down to get a coffee. Coffee making in the room would have been nice FFS.

Just like the song I had a beer for breakfast and it tasted good so I had another one and my blood corpuscles started to come to life. Caesar's beckoned. Now a few of you are probably asking why we played this every day. Well it's a great card room and a good structure so we hit it every day.

Today was another of those card dead, brain dead days and I really was in no frame of mind to grind, consequently my aggression was rewarded by an outrageous suck out and I was gone shortly after the first break. I meandered around playing a few slots, a few hands of 3 card poker and blackjack. I should really have gone back to bed for a couple of hours. Jason duck and dove for a while longer and when he went out, we did a bit of a wander having a wee beer in each casino. We watched the fountains and wandered back to play a bit of limit.

To be honest my heart wasn't in it and I was knackered and as I didn't really want to travel back feeling like this I was in my bed before midnight. Old age creeping up on me........

The trip home was uneventful apart from a delay on take off when someone got sick on the plane. We had to go back to the terminal and a paramedic was called. As he made his way to the back of the plane pushing a wheelchair he was muttering "Why are they sick always at the back of the fecking plane".....lol at the caring emergency service.

We hit the tarmac in Manchester and headed home. I stayed up to try and acclimatise to the time difference as I had work on Monday.

Great trip, planning next years sojourn in April as we speak..............................
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: samuel_9 on December 06, 2009, 19:03:56 PM
better luck next time bring the caniaden home next time
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 07, 2009, 18:22:43 PM
Turner prize is upon us

1) A jet engine atomised and stuck in the corner with a lattice of congealed cow brains
2) Paper Mache figures and a bare bum
3) Coal dust pointy things
4) A wall painting not unlike Hyacinth Bucket"s wallpaper

Yep.... It delivers again  ::)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MintTrav on December 07, 2009, 18:45:36 PM

Turner prize is upon us

1) A jet engine atomised and stuck in the corner with a lattice of congealed cow brains
2) Paper Mache figures and a bare bum
3) Coal dust pointy things
4) A wall painting not unlike Hyacinth Bucket"s wallpaper

Yep.... It delivers again  ::)


How often do they have it? That seems to be about the third one this year. Option 1 sounds quite tasty.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 09, 2009, 17:53:14 PM
I ran into Morrison's, this evening, for three things, two crates of beer and a loaf of bread. Tea and dessert taken care of then!

Anyway the Self-service checkouts are empty and I decide to breeze through them. I scan a box of beer and get a message that I need to be ID'd by a member of staff to prove I am eighteen or over. Said member of staff comes over, inserts a key, presses a code and we are good to go.

I place the crate of beer in the area where the bags are and a metallic voice tones "Unexpected item in the bagging area".

FFS no it's not I have just scanned the fecking thing.

Cue wee member of staff "Ah you must open the plastic bag and place the box of beer in the bag or it doesn't register as bagged"

"Don't want a plastic bag, think of the environment" says I

"Self checking demands that you use a plastic bag" says she

"Do you know about global warming" says I

"Put the beer in the bag" says she.

I put the beer in the bag and scan the next box of beer. Age check! Cue wee girl who comes over, inserts a key, presses a code and we are good to go. Now being a cute fecker I opened a second bag next to the first one and place the box of beer in the bag.

Perfect. NOT . "Unexpected item in the bagging area"

Feck

Wee girl approaches shaking her head.

"First bag must be used" says she

"Will not fit in the first bag" says I

Magic key inserted and both boxes are registered and safely in the trolley. She walks away with that look normally reserved for small children and drunks.

One item left, the loaf of bread. Cue barcode blindness and an attack of repetitive strain injury as I try to get the fecker to scan. Finally a beep and the bread appeared on the screen. I place it in the bag beside the scanner and.. "Unexpected item in the bagging area"

FFS the machine was very forcibly calling me an eejit and everyone was watching, believe me, they were treated to a colourful display of language that was a delight to behold.

Cue wee girl who comes over, inserts a key, presses a code and we are good to go.

Now paying.. I decided to use a card and not risk the machine not reading my notes properly. This worked surprisingly well and as my dignity was shot to ribbons I made my way to the exit. Now irrational thought breaks out. Did I scan it all correctly? Did I pay correctly? Will I feel the long arm of security on my shoulder as I walk out the shop?

FFS it took three times as long to get three items than if I went through a manned (womaned?) till.

In the past shopping was all about personal service, We have shopping on the internet and now the expansion of fecking self-service tills, face-to-face time has been reduced or even excised completely from the shopping experience.

Self-Service checkouts suck, I will use the "people" tills next time

End of rant
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 11, 2009, 16:34:49 PM
Ladies and Gentlemen: It is with great pleasure that I bring you the news of the latest inductee into the MAP (Most Annoying Person) Hall Of Fame.

This person has done more to raise the blood pressure, not to mention temper, of normally placid people that anyone else. She is to be found at till lanes in a shop near you everyday.

She is the woman who painstakingly places each item of her shop into assorted environmentally friendly bags with a speed that would make a sloth look like Usain Bolt. On completion of this laborious task, she will then reach into her trolley for her hand bag. This of course is at the bottom of all the shopping bags and after placing the handbag on the till tray, she then replaces the shopping bags into the order with which she would eventually replenish her OCD arranged shelves.

She has excelled at opening her TARDIS developed handbag and removing all sorts of random objects as she searches for her purse. Purse left on the side she painstakingly replaces the disturbed items back into the handbag. Handbag suitably rearranged she retrieves her purse and asks for the 11th time "How Much?"

Not yet embracing the electronic age she will now pay in cash, lovingly retrieved from her purse, coin by coin. She will of course lose count halfway through and have to start again, saying more than once "Silly me".

When she has caused a queue of M25 proportions, she will not push her trolley out of the way until the purse is safely in the handbag and the handbag is safely in the trolley. Pockets patted to make sure they are still there, hair patted to make sure it's in place and glasses adjusted so she can see all her damage, she wanders towards the exit.

She leaves behind, 3 raised blood pressures, 2 hernia's and a gibbering wreck of a till operative.

She more than deserves her place in the MAP Hall Of Fame.  
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 12, 2009, 13:28:20 PM
Is the world about to end?
Is there a famine on the horizon?
Is the Labour government planning a period of rationing?
Will the seas rise in the next two weeks?


No? they why the feck are all the supermarkets heaving two weeks before Christmas, with trollies bulging with enough supplies to feed the 5,000. Car drivers spinning round for ages trying to find a space near the door, causing jams while there are loads of spaces at the back of the car park. Shoppers parking in the "parent & child" with no child in sight. The comical "limp" from the driver who has just been spotted parking in a disabled bay without a sticker.

I only wanted a few beers for tonights APAT game.......................

Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 12, 2009, 15:12:10 PM
feast of Rugby today...
Now - Ulster v Stade  (Ulster winning the game and the fight count)
Follwed by Cardiff v Toulouse
Followed by Scarlets v Leinster

Then APAT Stud -- the day is shaping up well
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 13, 2009, 19:08:34 PM
LOL Sports personality intros - they pan to SA for the cricket team and the trophy is already on the table. GG BBC
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 13, 2009, 20:32:15 PM
Quelle Surprise the English Mens Cricket team win the team event, told ya I saw the trophy

(now did I see 2 lol)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 14, 2009, 00:17:13 AM
sigh out of the ME -- looks like the thread was deleted so I will post on here.

Rode my luck -- and it ran out AK v KK - no complaints it was a fun 4 hours
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 14, 2009, 18:47:25 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 14, 2009, 18:57:15 PM
Nooooooooooooooooooooo even the menu music on sky is xmas related now - Des make it stop
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 14, 2009, 20:05:29 PM
LOL just LOL

University Challenge tonight

Oxford team intro

"My name is John Lafferty and I am from Glasgow reading English"

Sorry but that made me laugh so much
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 14, 2009, 21:11:19 PM
Had a bit of a win on a site recently -- not life changing, but as is my want I would like to withdraw most of it to remove temptation. I get this in an email.

PLEASE NOTE:  We will refund your credit card account up to the amount that you originally deposited via that method.  The remainder will be returned to your gaming account balance and you can withdraw the funds via another of our withdrawal options listed in the casino cashier.

hmm making it difficult and I might spend it maybe


fecking tossers i only deposited £20
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Jon MW on December 15, 2009, 06:20:42 AM

Had a bit of a win on a site recently -- not life changing, but as is my want I would like to withdraw most of it to remove temptation. I get this in an email.

PLEASE NOTE:  We will refund your credit card account up to the amount that you originally deposited via that method.  The remainder will be returned to your gaming account balance and you can withdraw the funds via another of our withdrawal options listed in the casino cashier.

hmm making it difficult and I might spend it maybe


fecking tossers i only deposited £20


Yep, I"ve had this problem before - and on one site I think I might end up having it again soon. Annoying isn"t it.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 15, 2009, 18:03:32 PM
This made me chuckle - only in Ireland

BBC website

"The Irish parliament is to review its rules of conduct after a lawmaker swore heavily during a budget debate. MP Paul Gogarty of the Green Party - a junior partner in the Irish government - used the F-word after being heckled by the Labour opposition. He immediately apologised for the rant, which he admitted was "the most unparliamentary language".

It has emerged that the F-word is not on the list of banned words, unlike brat, buffoon, rat and scumbag"

It seems you can"t call him a buffoon - but it"s within the rules to tell him to "F**k right off"

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/8413122.stm (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/8413122.stm)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 15, 2009, 19:20:11 PM
Where was I with the Kilkee thing - oh yes Mam and the ould lad thinking about going back to the bar they were barred from. Must finish that tale and the demise of my relationship with Anne (nicely not badly).
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 15, 2009, 21:38:19 PM
Myself and the wee man are off for a pre christmas break in the lovely town of Killarney. Flying out on Friday - back on Monday.

This will involve taking in the wonderful sights of the Kerry countryside, with rambles and long walks on the agenda. This is a break for the body and the soul and we will have philosophical conversations whilst sipping fresh orange juice.

Of course those of you with a rudiment of geographical awareness will know that Killarney is a short hop from Laxie towers and that the last paragraph was a load of bollix.

FML (L for liver)  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on December 15, 2009, 22:14:30 PM
Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Sooooooo looking forward to it!!!   ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 16, 2009, 17:17:49 PM
Spotted in Computer Weekly.

"Lancashire County Council has paid £1,500 for a lorry to move PC"s and other office equipment 10 metres across a road in Preston, which works out at £150 a metre. Why? The removal firm said it could not carry boxes across the road because of health and safety regulations. Incredulous staff looked on in wonder as the lorry was loaded, did a three-point turn, and was unloaded onto the opposite pavement"

You couldn"t make it up
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: jbworldwide on December 16, 2009, 17:41:55 PM

Spotted in Computer Weekly.

"Lancashire County Council has paid £1,500 for a lorry to move PC"s and other office equipment 10 metres across a road in Preston, which works out at £150 a metre. Why? The removal firm said it could not carry boxes across the road because of health and safety regulations. Incredulous staff looked on in wonder as the lorry was loaded, did a three-point turn, and was unloaded onto the opposite pavement"

You couldn"t make it up



You don"t even need to! I worked for South Ribble Borough Council which is in Lancashire and parts fall under the County Council, but it seems like even if they dont share the same I.T. department they have similar mentalities.

They had a server room racked up to the nines with servers ticking over at about 2% and they were worrying how to get more in!! Forget consolidation, every new application needed a new server. That was madness! and no doubt still is!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 17, 2009, 17:55:48 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Chipaccrual on December 17, 2009, 18:49:08 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 17, 2009, 21:24:18 PM
Back at home - visit was kind of OK - more later
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 17, 2009, 22:36:04 PM
it was a wee bit traumatic -- but off to laxie towers tomorrow -- ooops
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: APAT on December 17, 2009, 23:14:46 PM
lol...must have taken the web cam....
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on December 18, 2009, 08:34:42 AM
Don"t worry.  We"ll get you over the trauma of it in no time.   ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 18, 2009, 11:05:49 AM
Up at 10:52 - packed by 11:00, now to get the wee man up.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on December 19, 2009, 11:52:15 AM
They landed safe.  We man is no longer sound.  Will never look at Burger Kind the same again.  We blame the drugs.  Round 2 today.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on December 19, 2009, 21:52:36 PM
brain and liver have left the building. I blame ger.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on December 20, 2009, 12:19:09 PM
I am soooooooo glad he forgot to bring his lappy this trip!!!  For the record...it"s all lies.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 21, 2009, 16:48:37 PM
Back home after a short delay on the flight. Now where do I start

Friday
Australians and snow
Rock bands
Burger king (most of which was at the bottom of his bed the following morning)

Saturday
Wee man dying
Dawn having a different drink every round (10 in all I think and it included milk)
Wee man retiring early
Bridget is a mad driver
Carmody"s is home to some "characters"
Tex overloaded his mini bus again

Sunday
Beautiful lamb dinner a la Laxie"s restuarant
Snowball fights
Wee man owned by a 12 year old (TBH she owns us all)
Tex mini bus doing 5mph back to Killarney (it was very icy)
Denis Murphy is a piss head
The other denis is not gay

Monday
Trying to get out of Kerry sideways in the snow
Checking to see if Manchester airport was open (Gutted when it was)


A lovely visit as always and I will embellish later. No doubt Dawn will blame the drugs.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Laxie on December 21, 2009, 20:49:22 PM
To be fair...it WAS the drugs.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 22, 2009, 17:21:25 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 22, 2009, 22:06:42 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 23, 2009, 16:58:14 PM
Now I am no stranger to driving a vehicle at speed, but Bridget brings it to a whole new level. No way that woman would ever countenance taking main roads, Oh No she took the back roads to Knocknagree. Now I know women are supposed to multi task better than other weaker members of the human race but this was special.

She managed to hold a continuous conversation with Dawn in the front.
She was looking at her for most of the journey whilst talking.
She was lighting a cigarette.
She was gesturing with her hands to emphasise points
She did not drop under 100kph on a single track road
She refuses to believe Stop signs are there for a reason

Despite her best efforts we arrived in the village in one piece and Dawn insisted that we attended one of the pubs that I had never visited. I was greeted as I entered the bar by a couple of denizens like a long lost friend. We discussed areas of my life I never knew I had encountered, and I had never clapped eyes on them in my life.  We had a few there and then trudged up the street for a few more.

I got a lift back to Killarney with Tex and we negotiated a price of 30 Euros which reduced exponentially as we picked up other passengers along the way. When we arrived at my destination we had 14 people in the 10 seater and the price was 10 Euros, bargain.

contd
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 23, 2009, 19:21:07 PM
Now, Sunday, there was a day.. to follow.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 23, 2009, 21:37:36 PM
Christmas Plan

Christmas Eve
Early dart from work - into Chester - a few pints - try not to slap a bouncer

Christmas Day
Get the presents out of the way - Drop the wee man at his Mothers - round to my sister for 12 noon - hotel for dinner at 2pm - back to my sisters for a few peaceful drinks.

St Stephens Day
Collect the wee man from his mothers - back home - relax in the armchair for the day with a few drinks

Sunday
DTD for the 20-20

Monday
Get up extremely late - relax at home with a bit of on-line poker for the day

Seriously does life get any better


Have a great one - I know I will
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on December 24, 2009, 06:53:24 AM
Have a gr8 Christmas Ger xx
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 25, 2009, 11:10:16 AM
Happy Fecking Christmas to one and all, now where is the Jack Daniels  ;D

Oh and I managed to finish the night without slapping a bouncer  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 26, 2009, 16:10:24 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 27, 2009, 10:00:56 AM
Off to DTD today for the 20-20 - If you are there give me a shout and we can share a beer  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 28, 2009, 11:38:00 AM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 28, 2009, 18:50:58 PM
Researching family history I got on the 1901 census -- LOL at the right hand column -- Just LMAO

(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/ancestry.png)


If you cant make it out it reads "Deaf and Dumb;Dumb;Blind;Idiot or Lunatic"
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 29, 2009, 17:42:17 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 29, 2009, 21:35:50 PM
I think that Phil Taylor is pretty much unbeatable at the PDC at the mo (104.3 average tonight). Another demolishment of a good dart thrower because Thornton did not throw badly. However I am looking forward to the next match, to see if Adrian Lewis can continue with his 100+ average, if so it sets up a mouth watering battle in the quarter finals.

Oh and Sid Wadell is on crack LOL
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 29, 2009, 22:11:47 PM
OMG Adrian Lewis has a 108 average and is 2-0 up already
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 29, 2009, 22:31:17 PM
Taylor - Lewis Quarter Final

Bring it on
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on December 29, 2009, 22:42:11 PM
atmosphere in the lewis game was amazing....and he didn"t seem to like it.  Maybe Taylor will play on that aspect, and whip them up more ( if that is even possible)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 29, 2009, 22:49:08 PM

atmosphere in the lewis game was amazing....and he didn"t seem to like it.  Maybe Taylor will play on that aspect, and whip them up more ( if that is even possible)


Yes other nights you"d get a lot of noise at points in matches, but that was sustained mayhem.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 30, 2009, 17:14:02 PM
Slow day at work, I was born in 1954 and I seem to be in good company.

Oprah Winfrey born 29 January
Christie Brinkley born 2 February  
John Travolta born 18 February  
Matt Groening born 19 February  
Jackie Chan born 7 April  
Elvis Costello born 16 August  
Cherie Blair born 23 September  (erm dodgy thought she was older  ;D )
Adam Ant born 3 November  
Condoleezza Rice born 14 November  
Chris Evert born 21 December  
Annie Lennox born 25 December  
Denzel Washington born 28 December  


And I share my birthday but not my age with Ricky Hatton & Britt Ekland
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on December 30, 2009, 18:33:42 PM
Christie Brinkley born 2 February  

Condoleezza Rice born 14 November  

Matt Groening born 19 February  

Chris Evert born 21 December  


SOME WOULD CALL IT FATE!!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: MAIR on December 30, 2009, 19:05:09 PM
 :o definetely!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 30, 2009, 20:40:40 PM
Darts pretty much to form at the mo....

Except andy Hamilton takes the first set against the annoying Mr Wade (personal view  ::) )

could this be an upset
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 30, 2009, 21:07:40 PM
1-1 (2-2 in legs) -- edge of the seat time

edit 2-1 to Wade
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 30, 2009, 21:18:07 PM
2-2 in sets - not a classic, Hamilton has hit 6 maximums - Wade zero -- its fecking exciting tho.......
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 30, 2009, 21:31:48 PM
2-2 (2-2 legs) drama  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 30, 2009, 21:35:22 PM
3-2 to Hamilton and he has the darts  ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 30, 2009, 21:47:40 PM
bugger 3-3
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 30, 2009, 22:00:31 PM
FFS 3-3 (2-2) keep going heart
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 30, 2009, 22:12:42 PM
sigh - James Wade is one lucky begger - Double 18 one time and he was walking home (mind you walking home with Hells bells must be a bonus)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on December 30, 2009, 22:38:30 PM

sigh - James Wade is one lucky begger - Double 18 one time and he was walking home (mind you walking home with Hells bells must be a bonus)


hells bells off of torquay?...never knew that
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 30, 2009, 22:48:04 PM
Aye poker and football mad missus - he must have done something right
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on December 31, 2009, 18:00:38 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: technolog on January 01, 2010, 15:09:37 PM
Happy New Year your Royal Dukeness.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on January 01, 2010, 15:19:40 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 01, 2010, 21:01:25 PM
Back at home after a magnificent New Year"s Day dinner at my sister"s. Fire on - beers cracked -- tv on and awaiting the Taylor/Lewis battle.

Should be a cracker
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on January 01, 2010, 22:03:44 PM
absolutely unbelieveable.....
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 01, 2010, 22:03:58 PM
5-0 - he really mind fecked Lewis
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 02, 2010, 09:39:34 AM
Is there an imminent earthquake in the offing - do the denizens of the animal world have supernatural abilities.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/8437395.stm (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/8437395.stm)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 02, 2010, 19:55:11 PM
Barney v Whitlock is shaping up nicely
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 02, 2010, 20:36:08 PM
2-2 and they are both throwing like they have just beem slapped in the face with a wet fish. Nervous stuff
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 02, 2010, 20:48:54 PM
I think Whitlock has blown a gasket here he needs to focus (3-2 to Barney)

edit: 4-2 to Barney, great pressure darts - loads of high scores and high drama on the doubles
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 02, 2010, 21:57:32 PM
Classic edge of the seat stuff... Barney had chances to wrap it up but Whitlock kept his cool and is in the final

Great Game

Now for the legend that is Taylor
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on January 02, 2010, 22:00:19 PM
anything like last night......another whitewash for sure
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 02, 2010, 22:32:46 PM

anything like last night......another whitewash for sure


Looks like you are right
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Swinebag on January 02, 2010, 22:39:55 PM

Now for the legend that is Taylor


QFT

What does this guy have to do to get a knighthood??
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 02, 2010, 23:13:11 PM


Now for the legend that is Taylor


QFT

What does this guy have to do to get a knighthood??


Totally agree - 14 (probs 15) times world champion FFS
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 02, 2010, 23:27:31 PM
Awesome is too small a word for that drubbing. I hope Whitlock doesn"t bottle and we have a good game tomorrow......
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on January 02, 2010, 23:28:45 PM



Now for the legend that is Taylor


QFT

What does this guy have to do to get a knighthood??


Totally agree - 14 (probs 15) times world champion FFS


but has he ever walked from lands end to john o"groats!..    :P
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on January 02, 2010, 23:30:22 PM

Awesome is too small a word for that drubbing. I hope Whitlock doesn"t bottle and we have a good game tomorrow......


be great to get a less than one sided final, but even if whitlock played the best he has ever done.....
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 03, 2010, 10:45:03 AM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 03, 2010, 11:03:18 AM
There are lots of parings that go together.

Morecombe & Wise
Jelly & Ice Cream
John Wayne & Maureen O'Hara
Etc etc etc

However a heavy cold and a moustache are not one of them.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: AMRN on January 03, 2010, 11:04:35 AM

There are lots of parings that go together.

Morecombe & Wise
Jelly & Ice Cream
John Wayne & Maureen O'Hara
Etc etc etc

However a heavy cold and a moustache are not one of them.



ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Honeybadg on January 03, 2010, 11:38:02 AM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 03, 2010, 12:58:21 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 03, 2010, 20:58:52 PM
Interesting dart final - Whitlock is showing Taylor that he cannot relax for one second
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Honeybadg on January 03, 2010, 21:25:58 PM

Interesting dart final - Whitlock is showing Taylor that he cannot relax for one second


Indeed - the 10/1 looking pretty generous ... gimme gimme ... L
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 03, 2010, 21:52:42 PM
cracking game - Taylor has daylight and is looking good tho
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Honeybadg on January 03, 2010, 22:03:22 PM

cracking game - Taylor has daylight and is looking good tho


Fair play to Taylor ... he always find something ... the 167 and 161 finishes were brutal ...

I managed to oppose Taylor in 1991 ... when Priestely won the old BDO ... but not often it works out!

I missed out the year Barny beat him ...

L
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 03, 2010, 22:46:34 PM
Number 15 -- he must be recognised by the powers that be now for a gong of some sort
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 04, 2010, 18:00:18 PM
Today is the first day I have missed work due to sickness in a hell of a long time. I always make it, but not this morning I felt like a shiite on a slate in a downpour. A wee bit better after having spent most of the day in bed. Will see how we shape up tomorrow
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 04, 2010, 19:41:46 PM
828m high FFS - just FFS

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/8439618.stm (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/8439618.stm)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Waz1892 on January 05, 2010, 00:16:33 AM

828m high FFS - just FFS

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/8439618.stm (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/8439618.stm)


and at a cost of $1.2billion...and they turn around ot the world and say they"re skint!!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 06, 2010, 16:58:26 PM
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Marty719 on January 06, 2010, 17:01:20 PM
How soon does this law come into effect?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 06, 2010, 17:13:09 PM
lol - lovely use of the replace word function by a impish mod, I will deal with you rapidly  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 06, 2010, 23:41:19 PM
When you lie on your sick bed you mind tends to wander so I was thinking at a complete tangent. Given my passion for bringing down my utility bills I got to wandering.

Take electicity, the basic design is brilliant, it is an adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: your electricity company sends electricity through a wire to you, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to you.

This means that an electricity company can sell you the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact, I calculate, the last year any new electricity was generated in the UK was 1978; the electricity companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases.

It is grand larceny on a major scale and something has to be done about it. When I get better I will be lobbying for support.

Have a nice day  ;D (The drugs are kicking in)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 07, 2010, 01:52:56 AM
I remember when Coca-Cola was real. For many years, the company were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated drink. It was a good drink, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment where you put a dirty penny into a glass of Coke and in the morning it was shiny. And your parents would say "Imagine what it does to your teeth"

Then they changed it and the penny no longer gets clean (oh maybe a little bit after a week).

Progress my arse......
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: HOLDorFOLD on January 07, 2010, 10:45:44 AM

How soon (ps - I"m a bit of a comedian, isn"t it!)  (ps - I"m a bit of a comedian, isn"t it!)  (ps - I"m a bit of a comedian, isn"t it!)  (ps - I"m a bit of a comedian, isn"t it!)  does this law come into effect?


soon (ps - I"m a bit of a comedian, isn"t it!) I would image


Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 07, 2010, 18:32:26 PM
(http://www.gerardsmyth.co.uk/assets/images/apat4.jpg)
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 07, 2010, 23:02:40 PM
PokerStars Game #37807951565: Tournament #252010644, $10+$1 USD Hold'em No Limit - Level X (300/600) - 2010/01/07 22:47:05 WET [2010/01/07 17:47:05 ET]
Table "252010644 121" 9-max Seat #1 is the button
Seat 1: DiES_DL (6830 in chips)
Seat 2: SVAROG_VS (16610 in chips)
Seat 3: radical62 (6970 in chips)
Seat 4: Royal1860 (11624 in chips)
Seat 5: duke3016 (4440 in chips)
Seat 6: mingy8888 (10760 in chips)
Seat 7: xabea (9070 in chips)
Seat 8: kaizersoze28 (15448 in chips)
Seat 9: kubito 60 (20251 in chips)
DiES_DL: posts the ante 50
SVAROG_VS: posts the ante 50
radical62: posts the ante 50
Royal1860: posts the ante 50
duke3016: posts the ante 50
mingy8888: posts the ante 50
xabea: posts the ante 50
kaizersoze28: posts the ante 50
kubito 60: posts the ante 50
SVAROG_VS: posts small blind 300
radical62: posts big blind 600
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to duke3016 [ ad  ks]
Royal1860: folds
duke3016: raises 3790 to 4390 and is all-in
mingy8888: folds
xabea: folds
kaizersoze28: raises 3790 to 8180
kubito 60: folds
DiES_DL: folds
SVAROG_VS: folds
radical62: folds
Uncalled bet (3790) returned to kaizersoze28
*** FLOP *** [ kc  9s  :as:]

get in even tho I was low now I have a wee bit of breathing space

He had qh ah  so I am in great shape yes
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 07, 2010, 23:06:09 PM
*** TURN *** [kc 9s  :as:] [ td]


Soooooooo still in great shape yes ?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 07, 2010, 23:06:34 PM
you all know what is fecking coming
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 07, 2010, 23:07:12 PM
*** RIVER *** [kc 9s  :as: td] [ jc]
*** SHOW DOWN ***
duke3016: shows [ad ks] (two pair, Aces and Kings)
kaizersoze28: shows [qh ah] (a straight, Ten to Ace)
kaizersoze28 collected 10130 from pot
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 10130 | Rake 0
Board [kc 9s :as: td jc]
Seat 1: DiES_DL (button) folded before Flop (didn"t bet)
Seat 2: SVAROG_VS (small blind) folded before Flop
Seat 3: radical62 (big blind) folded before Flop
Seat 4: Royal1860 folded before Flop (didn"t bet)
Seat 5: duke3016 showed [Ad Ks] and lost with two pair, Aces and Kings
Seat 6: mingy8888 folded before Flop (didn"t bet)
Seat 7: xabea folded before Flop (didn"t bet)
Seat 8: kaizersoze28 showed [Qh Ah] and won (10130) with a straight, Ten to Ace
Seat 9: kubito 60 folded before Flop (didn"t bet)


It"s a beautiful game.
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 08, 2010, 09:28:58 AM
It's the coldest since 1963. Well boo hoo. So what's the result. The biggest result is schools shut. According to the BBC website approximately 9,000 schools were shut in England, 950 in Wales and 250 in Scotland. So what was different in 1963. Well, and yes I do recall this, the snow/cold started in December 1962 and continued unabated until March 1963.

So all schools were shut then, NO only very few schools were shut, why was that then. We fecking walked to school that's why. We had frozen toilets, frozen milk (it was free in those days) and freezing classrooms.

We had great fun in the playground with no health and safety jobsworth's stopping us. I remember the caretaker even preparing a slide by throwing water down so it froze in a long runway of sliding fun.

We had open fires in the home and went to bed in our overcoats and a hot water bottle (A what ?).

It was so cold that the sea even froze. In 1963 there were snowfalls registered in feet FFS.

Cold.... Feck off it's a slight chill. Get on with it.

Progress My Arse.......
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: SirPercival on January 08, 2010, 09:35:19 AM

It's the coldest since 1963. Well boo hoo. So what's the result. The biggest result is schools shut. According to the BBC website approximately 9,000 schools were shut in England, 950 in Wales and 250 in Scotland. So what was different in 1963. Well, and yes I do recall this, the snow/cold started in December 1962 and continued unabated until March 1963.

So all schools were shut then, NO only very few schools were shut, why was that then. We fecking walked to school that's why. We had frozen toilets, frozen milk (it was free in those days) and freezing classrooms.

We had great fun in the playground with no health and safety jobsworth's stopping us. I remember the caretaker even preparing a slide by throwing water down so it froze in a long runway of sliding fun.

We had open fires in the home and went to bed in our overcoats and a hot water bottle (A what ?).

It was so cold that the sea even froze. In 1963 there were snowfalls registered in feet FFS.

Cold.... Feck off it's a slight chill. Get on with it.

Progress My Arse.......



I remember our school janitor coming out into the playground and spreading grit on our slide. I"m sure he had a smug grin at the same time.

Maybe I was in the generation in between "the good old days" and the "nanny state" - so what was that called?
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: Mikeyboy9361 on January 08, 2010, 09:38:45 AM
Slides were great, we used to make "em so they were like glass. Remember all the different sliding styles "the Little Lady" was my favourite. Wouldn"t be allowed now, the fun police would require a risk assessment and protective head gear FFS!
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 08, 2010, 09:47:43 AM
On Sky just watched a helicopter airlift a person out of a village in Dartmoor. The air ambulance landed in a "whiteout" as the snow swirled and he effectively landed blind. Take off looked as hairy.....


Hats off to the pilot - respect......
Title: Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
Post by: duke3016 on January 08, 2010, 14:48:32 PM
I have just installed a piece of electrical equipment and have come to the conclusion that the package should have this warning in bold print on the outside.

Congratulations!  
You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you  years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead customer manoeuvre.  Which is why we ask you to:

PLEASE FOR GOD"S SAKE READ THIS OWNER"S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN"T YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE BUTTONS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A SAUSAGE INTO YOUR DVD RECORDER AND SET IT ON FAST FORWARD, IS NOW ALSO FIDDLING WITH THE BUTTONS RIGHT?  AND YOU"RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT?  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?   

P