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Duke attempts the Impossible
duke3016:
One year I met a lovely woman with a passion for charity work, her enthusiasm was so infectious that when she asked me to host some pub quizzes around the county for charity, I couldn't resist. There were two notable incidents.
The first one was in Vinnie Henchy's bar in Scarriff and they were playing a motley crew from Jimmy Jacko's. I arrived at the pub armed with my trusty questions ordered a pint and asked Vinnie..
“Well Vinnie, got a good team for tonight” says I
“Team, what fecking team” says he
“You entered a team in the inter pub challenge for charity” says I
“Feck, is that what I paid for” says he.
He surveyed the pub and promptly picked four people and told them in no uncertain terms they were recruited. The opposition arrived and Jacko's had packed the team, they were all teachers from the secondary school, God he was taking this serious.
The layout was that both teams sat opposite each other and were asked in turn individual questions, starting with easy ones working up to more difficult ones. I had reached the last question for Jacko's and the contestant was the deputy head of the secondary school.
“What is a cox's orange pippin” says I
Well the arrogant eejit leant back and puffed on his pipe, pausing for maximum effect, running down the clock with a smirk on his face. At that very minute one of the spectators decided to let his passion get the better of himself.
He stepped up behind the contestant slapped him hard on the head and shouted.
“It's an apple you fecking eejit” he cried.
The fight then started in earnest and my money was on Henchy's
priceless
duke3016:
When Scarriff decided to form a rugby team in the early seventies I went along to the meeting in order to sign up.
Now normally people are chosen for there ability in certain positions. Not in this case.
You were a Front row player if you were mad, violent, psychopathic and totally fearless ..
You were a second row if you were over 6' 2”
You were a back row if you didn't fit the above except for the violent bit.
You were scrum half because you were the chairman's son
You were out half because you could spell the word rugby
The centres were chosen because they part owned the pub whose toilets were used as the changing rooms.
The wingers and full back positions were filled by the remaining members at the meeting.
We played tactical rugby with the centres never receiving a pass and the ball never going out of the forwards.
We didn't win many matches, but we never lost a fight
Good days
duke3016:
In my experience (limited that it is) I have found when it comes to members of the opposite sex, the harder you try the more difficult it gets.
When I was running round the country in my youth trying to impress the fairer sex, I seemed to fail miserably when trying the hardest.
We were in Lisdoonvarna one night and there was a crowd of us in a bar when we espied one of the most, if not the most, beautiful girl it has ever been my pleasure to espy, sitting at the bar on her own. Nah she must have a boyfriend, she was drop dead achingly gorgeous.
The conversation was a little muted between us as we took sneaky looks in her direction, often I might add, wondering if any mere mortal would stand a chance of going out with her.
She seemed to have telepathic abilities, because if a lad came within 10 feet of her she would look at him and he would wither and die under the gaze, slinking back from whence he came with his tail firmly between his legs.
“bloody hell, there is no chance with that one” says Denis
“I don't know” says I, full of bravado
“Feck off, you have two chances, none and feck all” says Pat
“bet you I could get her to go out with me” says I, hackles well and truly risen.
“Ok you're on, a fiver each says you can't” oops bluff called
“Ok' says I “You're on” swallowing hard and thinking OMG here comes my downfall and complete humiliation.
She seemed to be on the verge of leaving so I gathered up what was left of my courage and walked across, my shields deflecting the photon torpedoes she was firing from her eyes as she contemplated my ultimate demise with the maximum of embarrassment. .
“Don't kill me yet” says I “just hear me out”
Her beautiful green eyes seemed to grab me and punch me in the stomach as a mischievous glint appeared in them.
“I would take it as a distinct favour if you would let me accompany you to the door when you are leaving and once outside we can go our separate ways” blurted I
“Why” she smiled obviously intrigued.
Oh my God that smile would have melted pure granite and it made my insides do a loop de loop before they settled back into some sort of normal position.
“To be honest” says I “my friends are so certain that you will knock me back and would never even contemplate being in my company for more that 1 second, that they have put money on it”
The eyes blazed from green to a stunning whirlpool of colours and the photon torpedoes were joined by phasers on full power.
“It's a bet!!” she whispered through gritted teeth
“Yes” squeaked I, going bright red and falling even deeper into her eyes
“Buy me a drink then” says she
Well feathers and being knocked down sprung to mind and I bought her a drink being careful to keep my back to the lads as my breathing tried to return to some sort of normality. We made a little small talk and to be honest I can't remember a word, only that her voice was as soft as the morning rain.
“I'm ready to go now” says she.
We walked to the door and, fair play, she put her hand in mine as we exited. I sneaked a look at the lads and they were aghast with jaws dropping near the floor.
Once outside, I looked down at her..
“Thanks for that I know it was a silly and stupid thing to do, I apologise and I really appreciate it” says I
“No problem” says she “Now we are outside how about another drink somewhere else, that'll keep them wondering and you can tell me what else you are willing to bet on”
“It will be my absolute pleasure” says I
That was the start of a relationship that was perfect in every way until we parted the best of friends a couple of months later.
duke3016:
Now it's a known fact that religion has been the catalyst for more conflict than we care to recall. No more so than in Northern Ireland. Now Ger's mother came from Northern Ireland and when we were still together we had to attend her brother's funeral.
Now Sean committed a cardinal sin in that he had a rush of blood to his head. He was born a Catholic and later in life decided to try the Anglican faith for a change. Shock horror, he would have been better off, and be better understood, if he had become a serial killer.
When he died, he was laid out at home and as his wife was a Catholic the house was in a Catholic area and there was a steady stream of Priests and Nuns arriving at the house in order to reclaim the lost soul.
He had made final wishes that the service be held in the Anglican chapel. His wife respected that wish but only because he would then be buried in the Catholic graveyard. So off we went to the service and there was a huge crowd of relatives and friends outside the church. They would not go in for fear that the minute they passed though the portal of the opposition they would be consumed in God's vengeful fires of retribution.
The family had swallowed their particular prejudices and were going into the chapel and cast a lonely sight as they filled up the front two rows only. As I passed through the door I was pleasantly surprised that I did not turn into a pile of smouldering ash. We had to endure the Anglican minister's speech about how Sean saw the light and found religion on their side of the fence, wasting no opportunity to put the boot into the Catholic religion. Gabrielle's family were spitting feathers in the front row.
Service over, we carried the coffin outside and there was no shortage of people willing to assist the coffin down to the Catholic graveyard. It was shouldered all the way down and the crowd milled around happy to join in now it was away from the opposition's lair.
We walked into the graveyard and at the graveside were at least 20 priests & nuns using force of will to welcome the sinner back into the fold. The gist of the eulogy was that he had strayed but, hah, now we have got him back. They also wasted no opportunity to put the boot into the Anglican religion.
It's little wonder that religion causes friction
duke3016:
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