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Duke attempts the Impossible

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duke3016:
Well you know how it is with relationships; the probability of them working can be gauged fairly early on. No matter how compatible you think you are it's rare that your feelings change for the better as you go deeper into said relationship. More often than not, they change for the worst which then sours the whole atmosphere and you end bitter enemies.

In my own mind, it was not going to work with Anne. Not because of the family feud, FFS I could hold my own in that department and if I couldn't there was always the option of sending my Mother into the fray. It was not because of the ribbing I was getting and the remarks about marriage, it just didn't feel right. Don't get me wrong she was drop dead gorgeous and amazing company but there was something missing. Was it love, I had no idea at the time and if I ever get round to talking about my first marriage you will understand that I am a world champion when it comes to confusing Love and Lust.

So it was with a fair bit of trepidation that I decided that this friendship had to end and I was going to tell her that night.

“FFS did you swallow a wasp” says the ould lad, as I got ready to go out. Do you know if they made insensitivity an Olympic sport the ould lad would be a shoe in for gold? My mother on the other hand seemed to sense something like all mothers do and kept her counsel.

I picked her up and we drove down to the beach making small talk on the way. Was I doing the right thing, as her presence seemed to easily lift my melancholic mood? Taking a breath I said.

“I have something to say” says I
“No, I have something to say first” says she

I shut my trap and looked at her.

“There is no easy way to say this” says she “But I feel this relationship is going nowhere”

FFS I was being dumped, now, I should have felt elation that the chore I was going to perform was being done for me. I should have been relieved that we were mutually parting and would remain friends with no bitterness. Well, all I could think of was, how dare she, I was going to do that. What a wicked, wicked thought.

Good sense prevailed and the bad thoughts disappeared as the situation was resolving itself and we could get on with our lives. In my case fecking it up, but that's another story.

We had a great old chat and replayed the last few days and had a great old laugh. Do I regret not trying harder, no, I really have very few regrets, my actions are my own and I live with the consequences. As we parted for the last time and as I prepared to find Darby and Joan and stop them wrecking the nearest lounge bar. She turned to me.

“I have made this known to my family” says she
“OK” says I “Were they relieved that their little girl was not marrying a reprobate”
“Well the ould lad did ask if you would still come up once a week for the rumble”

Priceless

duke3016:

duke3016:
FFS he opens the gate I get to take care of his pang of conscience and undo his silly act. My mother looked at me as if to say “WTF is he on about”.

“Don't go there” says I walking out to my car.

I drove down the Limerick road, as I neared Marty's house I could see him standing by the side of the road scratching his head. Not wanting to let on I knew what was up, I drove past him and gave him the pre-requisite wave. He absentmindedly lifted his hand in response and went back to scratching his head.

As I rounded the next bend I was confronted by a car frantically flashing his lights. I was near the cattle then. Sure enough I came across around 5 cattle in the road. Now Marty had nearer to 30 head of cattle, so where were the rest.

I stopped the car and got out. Going to the far side of the cattle I proceed to drive this bunch back up the road towards Marty's. Not long after Marty was in sight. He reached me quickly.

“These your beasts Marty” says I
“Aye some of them” says he
“How did they get out” says I without a trace of a smile
“Some fecker opened the gate” says he
“Who would do a thing like that” says I
“No idea, but if I get my hands on him” says he leaving the outcome to my imagination.

I filed that under the heading of “Ould Lad blackmail” and continued to help Marty put these cattle in the field.

“Did you see the rest of them Ger” says he
“No but they can't have gone far” says I
“Aye” says he
“Do you want a hand looking for them” says I
“That'll be great, thanks” says he

We walked back to my car and as we were about to get in Marty stared into the distance.

“There they are in Malloy's field” says he

Sure enough they there were at the top of the field about a half mile away, munching on the rich grass of Malloy's meadow.

“Right, let's go get them” says I
“Pity to disturb them” says Marty eyeing the rich grass in the field.
“Marty!” says I
“Ok Ok let's get them” says he

We walked in the field with the intention of driving them towards the road.

Contd.

Next.
24 obliging cattle
1 Fecker of a bull not so obliging
1 broken collar bone
1 world record 100 metre dash
1 world record tree climb

duke3016:
“You stay at the gate Ger and make sure they go up the road” says Marty
“No bother” says I

He strolled into the field and the cattle were moving towards the road. Well the vast majority of them anyway. One huge bullock seemed to be contemplating why this human was disturbing him from this richer grass. He stubbornly stood his ground.

The other cattle dutifully lined out the gate and with minor encouragement started back towards their own field. I looked up at the confrontation in the field and leant back on the open gate to see how this battle would unfold.

In the blue corner Marty Phelan weighing in at 16 stone

In the Red corner Mr Bullock weighing in at close to half a ton

My money was on the bullock.......

Marty grabbed a bit of a branch and losing his temper lashed a crack on the bullock's backside. Mistake!!. The bullock felt that this usurper was depriving him of his fine feed and was not going to give in without a fight. The bullock launched himself at Marty and caught him a glancing blow that knocked him flying. He sat up holding his shoulder as the bullock whirled round, ready to charge again.

I ran into the field roaring at the top of my voice trying to distract the animal. It worked, oh boy did it work. The bullock turned his attention to the eejit that was flapping his arms. The hunk of steak was reaching terminal velocity as he bore down on me.

Well, I did think to take my coat off and do my impression of El Cordoba. Instead I spied a tree to my left and took off. I broke every land speed record known to man as a distinct attitude of self preservation kicked in. My knees were reaching the level of my ears as I covered the ground in double quick time. I didn't even have to grab the lowest limb as I also broke the world high jump record and grabbed the branch above. I swung myself up like a gymnast on the high bars and sat on this branch looking down at snorter below who was looking a bit peeved that his punch bag was out of reach.

Marty meanwhile had regained his feet and was standing, looking forlorn in the middle of the field. Old Bullock face had resumed his grass munching as I slowly climbed down for the tree and made my way towards the gate.

Marty joined me at the gate.

“He can fecking stay there” says I

Marty said nothing but closed the gate and we made sure that the rest of the cattle were safely in their own field. I took Marty to the Docs where it turned out that he had dislocated his collarbone. No hospital for that man, a solid yank by the doctor, choice words from Marty as the waiting room cleared when they heard the screams, a sling and back home.

We drove down to see how the devil was getting on and found him at the gate roaring in reply to the other cattle. I opened the gate (standing behind it of course) and the bullock trotted out and up the road. He went placidly into his own field.

Lonely for his mates I suppose

Priceless......................

duke3016:
I came home straight from work one evening, which in itself was an unusually rare occurrence as I had a constipated car, it couldn't pass a pub. But in this case my mother was in England visiting my sister for a few days and I was to relieve the ould lad for a couple of hours in the shop.

When I walked in he had the face of someone who had just committed murder and the Guards were on their way with irrefutable evidence ready to cart him off.

“What's up Da, takings down?” says I
“Feck off we have a problem” says he

FFS the royal 'we' again.

“You know the porcelain dolphin in the kitchen” says he
“The Poole Pottery gift to Ma when she left and the most prized possession she has ever owned, the one that if anything happened to it she would tear the offender's head off and.....” started I
“Shut the feck up” says he interrupting me
“You didn't?” says I

Silence

“You did, OMG is your passport up to date” says I
“You're not helping” says he
“Oh I think I am” says I
“We'll replace it” says he
“What's with the 'we' public enemy number 1, and besides it was a limited edition and would be damn near impossible to replace, is it repairable?” says I

The face said it all.

“What the feck did you do to it” says I
“Well I knocked the shelf” he started
“The one Ma wanted you to fix” I interrupted
“and I went to catch it and it bounced off my foot and across the room and hit the wall” he continued
“Ah the old catch it with the hobnail boot trick” says I
“You're not helping” he said

FFS this was terminal, at least it wasn't me and no way was I taking the fall for the ould lad. My Mother's wrath would be awesome to behold, as long as you weren't on the receiving end. I did really feel sorry for him because this was more serious than if he had run off with a scarlet woman.

“Let's see it” says I

He reached under the counter and produced a bag that jingled as he lifted it.

“Don't bother, I can see it's fecked” says I
“What are we going to do” says he
“Less of the 'we' death row man” says I
“Ger” he pleaded

Later, what we did.................

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