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Duke attempts the Impossible

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duke3016:

duke3016:
I awoke the next morning in bad need of a lucozade and wandered into the kitchen. Well as crime scenes go it was a farce. The ould lad was setting himself up for an academy award with his “how could they do this to me” face. Sergeant Nolan was doing his Poirot impression and was failing miserably. It was all I could do not to fall about the place laughing.

The Guard's left and the ould lad reverted to type.

“Feckers wouldn't find clues if they tripped over them” says he
“Did he say he thought it was an inside job” says I
“Feck off” was the time honoured response.
“Did you talk to Ma” says I

The ould lad brightened up significantly and said that he had and that she was all concern about us and couldn't wait until she was home. She was due back on the Tuesday and I was supposed to pick her up from Shannon airport. Now that was going to be a problem because I didn't fancy spending 40 minutes in a car being quizzed by my Mother.

Plan B

“Da can't make the airport on Tuesday I have to work late” says I
“You little Shiite, you just don't want to be the first under questioning” says he
“No honest, and anyway my conscience is clear” says I
“Fecker, I'll get someone to pick her up then” says he
“Not going yourself then?” says I
“Feck off” says he

Tuesday arrived and I decided that even though I didn't have to I was going to work late and let the dust settle at home. I arrived home just as the ould lad was locking up the shop with the widest smile on his face. I wondered through to the kitchen and there was no sign of my Mother. The ould lad came in and whispered.

“She's gone to bed, she was tired after the trip” says he
“And?” says I
“Oh she is fine about it” says he

I had a bad feeling about this and decided the less time I spent alone in the company of my Mother, over the next couple of days, the better.

The next day I woke up to some loud voices in the kitchen. The Mother was letting rip.

“You evil ******, what were you ****** thinking, You *******” she screamed
“Now Brigid, look at it from my point of view” says the ould lad
“Your ******** point of view, Yours, you break my prize pottery, then you dream up a ******* scam to cover your sorry ******* ass” she continued

I decided that entering the kitchen at this stage would be hazardous to my health and was about to sneak out the front door when I heard a funny sound. It was like a hollow clang of a bell being hit by a large piece of rubber. I assumed that some large object had connected with the ould lad's head.

“Brigid please let me explain” I heard the ould lad plead
“EXPLAIN THIS” she cried as another “thunk” sounded in the kitchen. The door from the kitchen flew open and the ould lad closed it behind him and held on as numerous objects thudded against the other side.

Amidst incoherent ranting form the other side and breaking noises (one that sounded suspiciously like a window shattering) the ould lad hung on for dear life to the door.

“How did she find out” says I
“Well you know the bag with the pieces in” says he
“Aye” says I as another foreign object hit the door
“I picked up the wrong fecking bag when you were leaving and I put the bag of change into the bin bag instead of the broken pottery. Your mother went to get change this morning for the till and all hell broke loose” says he
“Looks like it” says I
“What are we going to do” says he
“I don't know about you, but I'm off” says I
“Ger, you can't” says he
“Watch me” says I, as I literally ran out of the door hearing a particularly loud rending crash from the kitchen.

I felt a wee bit bad after a while, after all I was party to the deception. I rang work from the phone box and took a day's holiday and went back to face the music.

The kitchen was a sight, there wasn't an intact plate in the place, the back window was broken and the cooker was at an angle. The door to the hall was pitted with holes where numerous sharp objects had hit it and my Mother was at the table drinking a cup of tea from what looked like the only cup in one piece.

“Did you know about this” says she
“Yes” whispered I
“And you went along with it” says she
“Not much choice” says I
“I wouldn't have minded if he told the truth” says she
“Where is he?” says I
“Off to Limerick to get a complete new set of crockery and a new cooker. While he is there he is also going to get me all the things I have been asking for lately” says she

For the ould lad having to spend all that money was worse than a bad beating.

“I am going to milk this for days to come” says she “I will now have all the things I have wanted that he would always have an excuse not to get. Not anymore”

“And do you know what?” says she
“What?” says I
“I never liked that fecking dolphin anyway”

Priceless   

duke3016:
I had a salient lesson when I was 17 and we were building our shop. My Father and myself did all the floors and it was during one of these days that the lesson was delivered. In order to save time when we were mixing the cement we used to fill a large barrel with water and top it up as we went along.

One day I was topping it up and we went to lunch, and of course I forgot to turn the tap off. When we returned the place was flooded and the sub floor was ruined. Well, the ould lad went ballistic effin and blinding all over the place. I lost my temper and told him to Feck Off and go home and I would sort it out. He continued to rant and rave, swearing without repeating himself, it was impressive.

I snapped and went for him, I picked myself up and charged him again. Picking myself up once more with a few stars dancing around my head I was about to launch myself at him again when he turned got his coat and walked out. I spent the rest of the afternoon clearing the mess and re laying the sub floor whilst nursing a sore jaw and a black eye.

I went down to the house and there he was sitting by the fire with his paper and pipe.

“Finished ?” Says he
“Yes” says I
“Good” says he.

Man of few words my Father (except when he was swearing at you)

I went into the kitchen to see my Mother hoping to get some parental solace and comfort.

“Fecking Eejit” Says she “Your Father spent 20 years on the building sites of England and you thought you could take him on”

Straight to the point my Mother

Lessons learnt: Turn the fecking tap off and don't attack your father with anything less than a baseball bat and even then make sure his back is to you.

duke3016:
Now there are certain times in your life when you face a dilemma of huge moral implications. What you do at the time will define your character.

It was that time again. The septic tank needed emptying. Now this glorious piece of engineering was positioned approximately half way between the shop and the river. It was basically a concrete construction 5 metres x 2 Meters and about 2 metres deep. The usual way of getting rid of the irreducible solids which settle and gradually fill the tank, is to get it pumped out by a contractor. So contractor hired and today was the day.

The top of this tank was covered by concrete slabs (three of them) and two of these had to be lifted in order for the suction pipe to be put in place, one for each chamber.

Now the basic construction of this contraption was that wastewater enters the first chamber of the tank, allowing solids to settle and scum to float. The liquid component flows through the dividing wall into the second chamber where further settlement takes place with the excess liquid then draining in a relatively clear condition from the outlet.     

We lifted the first slab no bother and set it to one side. The other slab was proving a little difficult. It was stuck with a combination of grass and soil all round. The frequency of emptying was approx 3 years and the grass was overgrown etc.

“You lifting at all” says the ould lad
“Are you” I retorted
“Well put your back into it” says he

What happened next has lived long and vivid in my memory.

I went on tilt and gave a huge pull on the slab, the ould lad heaved towards me and the slab lifted. It shot towards me and gave me a fearful crack on the leg. My pain was forgotten as I saw the ould lad lose his balance and fall head first into the first chamber. The release of stench was overpowering as his fall broke the scum crust and splatted into the “irreducible solid” that was beneath.

Now here comes the dilemma, he didn't surface straight away. FFS I know he was my Father but was I going to have to jump into the Shiite and save the eejit. I was saved the decision as he gained his feet and rose like a monster from the deep.

“Get me out” he screamed
“Climb out yourself I am not touching you”  says I
“Give me a fecking hand” he snarled

FFS I went round to the other side and found a stout stick and standing as far away as possible handed him one end. He clambered out and stood up, smelling awful, looking terrible, head to foot in slimy “irreducible solids” LMAO

Well in order to stay alive a wee bit longer I stifled my laughter and walked downwind as he trudged to the back of the shop. My mother came out of the kitchen into the yard and had no such discipline and collapsed against the wall weak with laughter.

“Shut up woman” he says as he went to go inside
“Where the feck do you think you are going” says she
“In to get cleaned up” says he
“Oh no take all that crap off out here, Ger get the hose” says she
“No way” says the ould lad

Well as usual Ma won and the ould lad stripped naked in the yard and the clothes were dropped into a plastic bin with a lid that would be disposed of later.

Hose ready and on full power I drenched the old lad from top to toe and to be honest kept it going longer than was necessary. My mother tossed him an old towel and he regained what modesty he had as he went in to have a hot shower.

Priceless

duke3016:
I must have started the regression back into childhood. You know the way that babies have to take a midday nap, well I am wide awake from 7am till 12 noon then I struggle to keep my eyes open. Come 2pm I am wide awake again. This happens everyday regardless of how many hours sleep I have had the night before..

Strange

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