Poker Forum > Member Blogs

Duke attempts the Impossible

<< < (1243/1249) > >>

duke3016:
I awoke one morning with a slight head on me and struggled to make the shower. I got dressed and went into the kitchen. No Mother at the stove. WTF I looked at my watch and it was 8am, she was usually at the stove at this time slapping on the bacon. I went to the dividing door to the shop and it was locked. FFS the ould lad was always in the shop by 6.30.

Check the bedroom's, I was alone in the house.

Where were they? I went out the front door and there was no alien ship in the sky and smoke lazed out of chimney's in the village. I spotted Jimmy and he waved, OK so I wasn't the only soul on the planet.

Now, no mobile phones at this stage of my development so no “Where the feck are ya” texts to the parents. What should I do? If they were off somewhere surely they would have woken me up and made me open the shop. Anyway knowing the ould lad's love of money I decided to get the spare keys and open up the shop.

Money float was where it always was, keys were where they normally were so what the feck was going on. I rang work and took the day off and settled down. Margaret came up to open the post office at 9am and she had no idea where they were either.

The phone in the Post Office rang shortly before 10am.

“You're up then” was the greeting I got from the ould lad when I answered it.
“Where the feck are you” I replied
“Nenagh” says the ould lad
“What the feck are you doing there” says I
“Picking up the new hearse” says he
“The what” says I
“Never mind, we had a spot of mechanical trouble and we are getting underway again in a little while, should be home by noon” says he
'What time did you leave home FFS” says I
“About 4.30am” says he
“Why didn't you wake me up” says I
“You weren't fecking in” says he. Fair point
“Your mother had to come along to drive the car back, and we thought we would get back for 7am, but the fecking hearse broke down” says he


Now, the ould lad had not mentioned a new hearse, well by new he meant 'newer'. To be honest if he purchased a chariot from Ben Hur it would be 'newer' that the hearse we had.

Noon came and went and Jimmy came into the shop.

“Who's dead” says he
“No Idea” says I
“There's a funeral coming down Gurnett's hill” says he

We went outside and sure enough there was a funeral meandering down Gurnett's hill about a mile from the village.

“Must be someone important” says Jimmy
“Why do you say that” says i
“Because it is travelling so slow and there are loads of cars behind” says he


Now it was a fine day and the cortege disappeared into the dip before it would make its way into the village. I sat down on the bench and looked up the street. People were coming out of their houses and standing on the side of the road. Men were removing their caps and everyone was discussing who this personage was with the large cortege.

As it neared the village, the penny dropped. It was the ould lad in the 'new' hearse and the 'cortege' was disgruntled motorists cursing their luck that they had happened onto a funeral. It was bad etiquette to overtake a funeral. Well I collapsed in a heap on the ground roaring with laughter.

Well the village's initial reaction was one of complete disgust at my irreverence until they saw who was driving the fecking thing and that the back was coffin-less. As the hearse belched black smoke and backfired, the gathered throng joined in with my merriment.

The ould lad pulled up outside the shop and the hearse gave one last defiant belch. He got out of the contraption and stormed past me into the shop red faced and snarling “Not one word Gerard or you will be the hearse's next customer”.

That hearse has a few more stories to tell..

duke3016:

duke3016:
A week or so ago my trusty reservoir steam iron lay down and died. I had it for years so it was time to send it to the great iron cemetery in the sky. I purchased a new one and this morning was the first time it was to be used.

Got the instructions and connected it properly, took off the protection strip on the plate and lightly buffed the plate to remove the excess oil.

Filled the reservoir to the correct level, checked the settings as per the instructions, checked the steam switch was at off during heating and switched it on at the wall.

BANG the master trip switch, well tripped. Feck it, now being a man I of course thought if I reset the trip switch and tried again this time it would work.

BANG the master trip switch, well tripped.

I re-packed the iron in its original box and hit the shop.

Arrived at the shop.

Me: “I bought this iron here a week or so ago and it's fecked”
Assistant: “What's wrong with it” Chewing a tennis ball sized piece of gum
Me: “It's fecked”
Assistant: “Ah, have you got the receipt” cue harder chew
Me: “No”
Assistant: “Ah, how do we know you bought it here” Triumphant mastication in use
Me: “Possibly because it has this shops logo on it”
Assistant: “Ah” chewing stopped “OK we will replace it”
Me: “Don't want another one I want my money back”
Assistant: “We don't do refunds” cue enthusiastic chewing
Me: “You do now”

Cue bell ringing and the appearance of a suit. Well he did not get the chance for any pleasantries as I quoted consumers acts and customer care and the old “I don't give a feck what you say I want my money back”

Well the tennis ball of chewy fell out, the suit paled and I got my money back and went next door to get another iron and this one works just fine thank you.

duke3016:
My life is good. I have often expounded on my past. It is true that I have no regrets, I made the decisions in my life and I have lived through them good and bad. I have been graced with fine children (two of whom still live with their own personal ATM ie me).

My relationships with members of the opposite sex were never 'boring', I guess I am a difficult man to live with. No that's not quite right I KNOW I am a difficult man to live with. However I am now at a stage of my life where I do my own thing. Don't get me wrong strong relationships are a blessing and some of you are happily attached and fair play to you.

It's just that possibly I was never cut out for that kind of life. It was probably unfair to the women in my life that I was not suited to 'attachment'. I do know that all of the women in my past are still happily living with the men that they met after me and seem to be really enjoying themselves.

I have a good job and the disposable income to enjoy life I as I see fit. I laugh everyday and I accept all that life throws at me, life is too short to get upset when things don't go exactly to plan. I have been lucky with my health and with the friends I have met along the way. I don't get mad with idiots, I just ignore them. I can count the number of times I have really lost my temper on the fingers of one hand. My youth was scattered with scuffles but never malicious ones (if you can understand that).

My elder sister lives very close and we have a great relationship, we meet regularly and have a few bevvies and mash out our youthful experiences. I probably drink a tad too much, but I can. I probably smoke too much, but I can. I probably play poker too much, but I can. I probably spend too much money on travelling around to poker games, but I can.

So yes, I can stand up and say that my life is good... I hope yours is as well..

duke3016:
When my mother died she left the house to myself and my two sister's. As I had no immediate plans to return to Ireland and my sister's never will, we decided to sell it. As the house was passed through the family since the 19th Century there were some difficulties in finding deeds. It was not a major problem as this is common. The sale went through it was sold and we received the proceeds. I had reams of paper to sign as the only son and everything seemed fine.

One day I received a letter from the buyers solicitor, one final piece of paper for the land registry. Now my signature on this document had to be witnessed by a 'Notary Public'. Off I went to the yellow pages and there are three of these distinguished gentlemen in Chester. I chose one and made an appointment.

I arrived at the offices and was seen immediately. The following sequence of events happened

I showed him my passport for ID
I signed the piece of paper
He signed the piece of paper
He placed his seal on the paper
He asked for £50
I paid
I left

Approx 2 minutes (hourly rate £1500)

Give us a job ... priceless

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page