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Duke attempts the Impossible
duke3016:
I was sitting in the house opposite the church in Bodyke one Saturday morning nursing a sore head and Margaret was putting on a fry for me to perk me up when I heard a crash outside in the road. Margaret and I looked at each other and I struggled to my feet and went out to look with Margaret tagging along.
Outside a hay cart had dumped its load all over the space in front of our house and John Maloney was there staring at it and scratching his head. The cart had turned over and was propped against the wall of the house. It looked like the poor lad had been overloaded and given the nature of his ould lad I wasn't surprised. No real damage was done, but the hay was spread out a good bit. The horse was ok but John looked a bit lost. Now John wasn't the brightest and obviously needed a hand. I would have to tell the wee lad what to do and give him a hand.
However I was suffering and I needed to eat so I said.
“John come in for a bite and then I will give you a hand to load the cart again”
“I'd love to, but me Da wouldn't be happy” says he
“Feck him, I am starving” says I
“Well OK, but Da won't be happy with me” says he
“The horse will be fine, come on” says I
We retired to a lovely cooked breakfast and I felt a whole lot better and ready to help with the loading of the cart and we went out.
“Thanks for the breakfast Margaret, I feel better now but me Da won't be happy” says John
“Oh for feck's sake ya eejit” I said looking around “Where is he anyway”
“Under the cart” says he
Priceless
duke3016:
I stared at John and managed a strangled “What?”
“Me Da's under that lot” says John
Cue frantic un tackling the horse and lifting the cart off the wall. While we cleared the hay we could hear a low groan. Now I was confused, there would have been no weight on his Da as the cart was propped by the wall. While we were clearing the debris, the horse decided that he had had enough and made a break for home. We let it go.
As I cleared the remaining hay I was met with a very familiar smell. It was the smell of stale beer and the moans were in fact snores. There was John Snr fast asleep with a silly smile on his face. I turned to John jnr with a question on my expression.
“Me Ma said to pick the ould lad up on the way back with the load. He was still in the pub and a couple of the all nighter's that were still there gave me a hand to load him up on top. He must have caused the cart to topple as we passed your place.”
Well I creased and doubled up with laughter.
“OK I'll get the car and load your drunken Da and take him home” says I rather too sanctimoniously, causing John to retort.
“On your way back you had better call into the pub because your ould lad is still in there.”
That's my Da a great role model
duke3016:
2012 I think
There once was a dog called Archie
Who arrived at the house of Jaxie
He was so small, shy barely alive
That people weren't sure he'd survive
But they did not count on the inhabitants
Of this mad house with absolute miscreants
He knew nothing of the personality of them
That dwelled in Jaxie in complete mayhem
Soon he was off to parties I heard
Cavorting with like people in sunny Desford
No action was disciplined, no one would scold
A degenerate life was the future I'm told
Now he has reached the level of star
For Archie was destined to be stellar
He's on the way to causing a holy mess
With his own Facebook account no less
His friends will be many, his enemies few
His satirical wit will display on cue
Be careful if you get a request to be a friend
For your sanity will inevitably and quickly end
Laxie:
:D
...and then there was Fib. The poor, expressionless eejit. lol
duke3016:
Tongue very much in cheek ;D
Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must not shift your point of view. And don"t start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don"t overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.
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