Duke attempts the Impossible

[duke3016]

I have been rambling about the Guards a lot, and sometimes tongue in cheek. They are on the whole a good bunch and do a very good job. I suppose if you are up to mischief and you have a chance of being caught then your thoughts are a little scrambled.

I was in Scarriff one night and was enjoying a wee drink when someone came into the pub to say that the guards had set up a checkpoint on the bridge and looked like they were there for the long haul. Since the shotgun incident the Guards had been on my case and I really had meant to replace those two bald tyres honest. I was with my girlfriend of the moment and her house and my way home were across that damn bridge. My only other viable route home was to go out the Feakle road and in through Ross which was a detour of about 10km.

I decided to take the long route home to avoid any complications with the law and their interpretation of what constituted "bald". I bade goodbye to Anne and set off down the Feakle road. I was nearing the turning for Ross and lights appeared in my mirror. I was not that worried, the Guards wouldn't chase me or even know I went this way. Would they ?

I turned into the little bog road that would eventually bring me out at Bodyke village and was shocked to see the lights turn after me. OMG it must be them, only a couple of people lived down this road, bugger.

Well I thought if they are going to get me they will have to catch me. I knew this road like the back of my hand and I put the hammer down. Well I literally flew up that road and Colin Mcrae would have been proud of the way that I negotiated the bridge in a perfect slide (having slicks on the back helped). I shot up the quarry hill like a maniac and back down into the village.

We had two garages, turf sheds really, next to Jimmy Healy's house and I screamed to a halt and jumped out and opened the door and drove the car in and shut the door. All was quiet expect for the pinking of my car as the metal cooled and contracted after the thrashing it had got. No lights, had I got away clean.

After about 10 minutes I peaked out of the doors and the village was as quiet and peaceful as it always was. I walked down the road to the house and went to bed.

No contact the next day so I assumed I was a free man, although their attempts to ensnare me were getting more creative by the day. I wouldn't put it past them to wait a few days then clap me in irons.

I was in Tuamgraney the following weekend when I met Dr Tim Maloney and his wife.

"What about you Ger" says he
"Fine" says I
"You were driving like a lunatic the other night" says he

OMG the whole place knew. I was doomed, they were building their case against me, interviewing people, gathering evidence, polishing the handcuffs, checking the voltage on the chair and were waiting to pounce.

"What" croaked I
"I was behind you the other night going in the Ross road, you really must slow down" says he.

I must have sounded like I had been punched in the stomach as the air exploded out of me. I had forgotten that  he was one of the people that lived in that road and nearly killed myself for nothing with my paranoia.

Priceless times that can't be brought back but will never be forgotten. 

[duke3016]

Now I wonder how many of you have had the dubious pleasure of having to deal with that most holy of animals, the veritable, venerable and downright vicious beast of burden, the donkey.

They might look cute and give the impression that they will tirelessly work for their masters with a song in their heart and a brightness of step.

******, they have a mind of their own and when this mind wants to work they are great. They will go places that tractors would fail and they will work all day. However if they decide they don't want to work they will not.

I was collecting the turf from the bog over the space of three or four days and would manage approximately four trips a day, loading and unloading myself. It was a lovely job no rush, no pressure, just me and my faithful beast of burden.

I got up early on day one and went into the yard to tackle the donkey to the cart. I was greeted with the usual grunt and attempt to remove my hand as I attached the equipment and cart. Now the cart had high sides to accommodate as much turf as would be safe and comfortable for the animal and I would stand in the cart when we were on our way up the mountain. The donkey looked to be mad for road and struck a merry pace towards the bog with me standing tall as man and beast began their daily toil.

I loaded the cart at the bog and set off for the return journey walking beside the cart to ease the burden and  lost in my own daydreams. I repeated the process without incident and at the end of the day gave the animal a bit of a rub down and a nice feed and released him into the field at the back of the house. All was right with the world and I looked forward to the next day.

Got up for day two. The spawn of the devil, Beelzebub, didn't really look in the mood today as I walked down the field to collect him The jaundiced eyes looked at me with complete and utter contempt. After a protracted period of time I eventually had the donkey ready for the cart without losing either hand or getting my arse slapped by a flying hoof.

I attached the cart and was ready to go and encouraged the donkey to move on out of the yard. Well he just turned his head towards me as if to say.

"Listen Mr high and mighty, I ain't going anywhere today so you can feck off"

I thought, no way was a donkey going to get the better of me, so I offered it more encouragement in the pulling on the reins department when the mild mannered, docile and sweetest of creatures went stark raving bonkers.

His first move was to go with the direction of my pulling and head butt me in the chest sending me flying backwards and as I had let go of the reins in my pain proceeded to try and shake the cart off by banging it against the wall.

I caught him by the bridle and was whispering nice things into his ear (people said they heard these encouraging words half a mile away). He then proceeded to try and attach his yellowed knashers to my forearm with the intention of taking great lumps out of me.

He backed away at speed and the cart hit the door of the outside toilet, splintering it in two. Now in my preoccupation with the donkey, I hadn't noticed that the ould lad had walked across the yard to have his daily movement in the outside toilet and was reading the paper with his pants down around his ankles when half the door landed in his lap.

Well the ould lad then started with the abuse (people said they heard his words of endearment a mile away). Between his tirade and the donkeys roars it was bedlam in the yard. At this stage the donkey was in the middle of the yard having bolted away from the toilet taking the rest of the door with it.

It's eyes were wide and staring and the nostrils were flared as I approached him head on. I just knew that there was only going to be one winner in this contest.

I untackled the donkey and let it loose into the field, not before he tried to remove my left leg with the most vicious of kicks and I swear he smirked as he galloped away down the field.    

I went in home with the donkey laughing at me and the ould lad still swearing at me from the doorless toilet. I found other things to do that day.

Day three and we were back to normal, I guess he just wanted a day off...

[APAT]

LOL..and then some.

If we were casting "Duke - the Movie" who would take the lead?  You"d be looking for something between Burt Reynolds and Al the drunken barman...

[duke3016]

Pity old Ollie Reed wasn"t alive eh

[duke3016]

[jacklevel06]

Pity old Ollie Reed wasn"t alive eh

Feck ,you beat me to it.

[Laxie]

You had so much fun back then!!!  These days we only get to move cars.  Summer is a good time for it as most of the pubs have seating out the front of their places.  Once the deed is done, we can all sit out enjoying our pints while watching the poor soul as he discovers it"s been moved.  One lad in particular likes to leave his keys in the car...on the floor of it so they won"t be seen.  His only problem...the whole feckin village knows it. 

One day last summer we nearly got into a bit of trouble when we decided the best place for it was the middle of the Fairfield.  It"s a large green area in the middle of the village.  Pubs run along the top of it, main road along the bottom.  On this day, Mike"s van was the centre piece.  Cars would slow as they passed and drivers would toot their horns as they laughed their pants off.  Well, most would.  The Guards drove past on this particular day and they weren"t well impressed.  Guards?!  FFS it was only 2 in the afternoon!  They don"t normally call to us til after closing time.  Sigh. 

Picture a row of pubs, lined with patrons sat outside enjoying their pints in the sun...pretending not to notice Mike"s van.  On this particular occasion I"d been the driver as I"d not had drink yet.  They ushered me into the pub quick as could be for fear my face would give it away.  Meanwhile everyone outside claimed they knew nothing and told the Guards not to worry, they"d get to the bottom of it.  When the Guards reluctantly drove off, one of Mike"s relations was phoned and told what we were at.  They legged it up to the village, not to sort his van, but so they could be there to see the look on his face when he discovered what we"d done!  lol  

Once the coast was clear, Timothy stuck his head into the pub to let me know it was safe to come out.  There I was, sat up at the bar with Mike playing poker...on my 4th round of whiskey and a pint.  I was trying to keep him busy, you see.  So he wouldn"t stumble out while the Guards were there.  Plus I needed to calm down.  We were now both suitably pished. 

Mike looks a bit like an Albert Einstein (gone wrong).  Well, the sight of him walking out to find his car missing.  Scratching his head of wild grey hair while stood staring in the empty spot where he"d parked it.  He turned full circle twice, as if it might be hiding behind him...in that same spot.  It was all we could do to keep quiet.  Once he looked out into the Fairfield and spotted it, the whole place erupted.  He looked over at me with a smile on his face, wagging his finger.  "You lil devil, you."          

[coprey]

That village sounds like a great spot for an APAT event...Des?

[duke3016]

That village sounds like a great spot for an APAT event...Des?

Poker in Knocknacree

[Laxie]

Knocknagree  

Flippin heck!  You"ve been here enough times to know the name of the place by now!

And yes...I"d be happy to help sort a mini APAT week-end here.  

Now get back to work and tell us another tale.

[duke3016]

[duke3016]

tonights home game showed how much luck is in the art of winning.

me 99 -- son of duke 10 10 -- all in pre -- I hit a 9
me K2 (don"t ask I had loads of chips and they were suited) -- Riche AK -- I hit 22
me AK -- richie again 10 10 -- I hit a flush to take the game (10 on flop)

Man I play well  

[duke3016]

I am tired at the mo -- but I have a stonking story involving

1. A man
2. A Woman
3. The womans huge boyfriend
4. An umbrella
5. The Ritz in Lisdoonvarna
6. The reason I lost my front teeth

All will be revealed, but all is not as it seemed

[duke3016]

Some of you may or may not know about the spa town of Lisdoonvarna in West Clare. It was famous years ago for its matchmaking festival. After farmers of the region had saved their hay and gathered their crops they would polish up their wellington boots and go into Lisdoonvarna in September, with the express intention of gaining a wife. Now this is not as barbaric as it may seem because it suited both parties. The man got a woman to keep him fed and watered and the woman got the security of a roof over her head and financial stability. If there was the added bonus of children more the better.

As with most relationships some of them could turn out to be loveless disasters, but the majority worked because both parties went into the "match" with no preconditions, apart from how much the match cost. The woman bringing a dowry and the man providing the stability of a home. Investigations would have been carried out and the financial status of the gentleman in question would have been ascertained.  These weren't children coerced into a marriage but were grown people with the same aims and expectations.

Now with the onslaught of "modern" civilization this festival began to fade in its popularity until in the early 70's one hotelier decided to revive the notion of Lisdoonvarna being a great place to be in September.

Now I don't know if matchmaking still went on but all I know is that it became the place to be in the month of September, for the biggest, loudest, drunkenness, rowdiest couple of week in the history of man.

Contd

[duke3016]