Author Topic: Duke attempts the Impossible  (Read 1352025 times)

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duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #195 on: January 26, 2009, 17:57:11 PM »
As I was saying, I had made arrangements so that my mother could stay downstairs and would have no need to climb the stairs. Whilst she was on her feet she could navigate around the house, it was only if she fell that she was in trouble.

My mother was fiercely independent, and didn't want to be a burden on people, But, as I was in England I had also persuaded her that I would arrange for a home help to come in the mornings to sort the house out and things.

I returned home about a month after she came out of hospital, just to see how she was getting on. She was grand, managing no problem. We had a commode set up next to the bed so that at night all she would have to do was swing out of the bed onto the toilet and then back again.

I was planning to stay a few days and on one of them I came back from the pub and went upstairs to bed. In the early morning I swear I heard a ghostly voice saying my name. I sat up and sure enough there was this weak voice calling "Gerard". FFS was it my time, was I being called to the great hereafter.

I got up and pulled my pants on and went to the top of the stairs "Gerard" the voice weakly called again. I went downstairs and it was me Mother.. She had fallen off the commode and was lying on the floor.

"About fecking time" says she
"You alright Mam" says I
"Yes, grand" says she "I always sleep like this you eejit, now help me up you gobshiite"

Well I helped her stand up and she was ok, but I could see there was a mischievous glint in her eye.

"You'll have to change my nappy" says she
"WHAT, you are having a laugh" says I
"No" says she smiling
"NO FECKING WAY" says I
"You"ll have to I can"t get back into bed without it and I"m not able" says she

FFS, I got the wherewithal and proceeded to put the "nappy" on, which was very difficult with my eyes closed and her shaking with laughter. I managed it and helped her back into bed.

As I kissed her goodnight she giggled

"What goes round, comes round, you little Shiite".

I went back to bed with her still roaring with laughter. There are some things a son should not be asked to do and that definately is one of them.


MAIR

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #196 on: January 26, 2009, 18:17:53 PM »
LMAOOOOO good on her! what a sweetheart!
Mary Kivlin

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #197 on: January 26, 2009, 18:20:55 PM »
In or around 1973 my Uncle Dex was still working in England and had decided that he would return home to the metropolis of Bodyke. In order to facilitate this he sent my cousin Carol over in advance so she could start school as she was 11 and it would be her first year in Secondary school.

She stayed with us for the best part of a year and slept upstairs in what was my Great Aunt Molly's room. Now there were stories about that room that would make you shiver if you happened to believe in that sort of thing.

It had an old fireplace that was no longer in use but when the wind picked up it would produce a noise down the chimney that was scary to say the least. So before she arrived the ould lad sent me up onto the roof to close off the chimney top whilst he blocked it from below.

"Can't be having the wee girl frightened"  says he (Shock horror the ould lad was going soft)

"She'll be waking me up with her blubbering"  (back to normal)


Anyway, I was along the hall fast asleep when I heard the most piercing scream, as if someone was being murdered. I shot out of bed and ran along the hall and burst open the door to the bedroom where Carol was staying. As I did a bat glided past me almost colliding with my head. I whipped round and it reached the end of the hall and disappeared down the stairs.

Carol was bolt upright in the bed with a look of abject fear on her face.

"What was that" she stammered
"A bat" says I  "It's gone now"

I heard the ould lad bounding up the stairs (their room was downstairs) and I turned half  expecting him to be bearing the shotgun and I steeled myself for a dive to the floor. However all he had was a hurley and I relaxed.

"What the feck" says He

I explained and my mother arrived and calmed Carol down and said she would stay in the room with her that night. Myself and the ould lad went down stairs in order to find this animal and dispose of it. We could find no sign.

"You sure it was a bat" says he
"Aye" says I
"Were you drinking last night" says he
"It was a fecking bat" says I
"And her door was closed when you got to it" says he
"Aye" says I "and the windows were closed as well
"Did you secure the top of the chimney properly" says he
"Did you secure the bottom of it properly" retorted I
"Well how the feck did it get in" says he
"Well how the feck has it got out" says I "we can't find it"

We never did find it, or find out how it got in or out, all i know was the ould lad was going round for days with a hammer and wooden stake in his pocket, checking our necks periodically...

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #198 on: January 26, 2009, 18:25:17 PM »

LMAOOOOO good on her! what a sweetheart!


Aye -- my mother was all of 5" 1" and I was delivered at home a healthy 13lbs 14ozs - we got on famously, she died on New Years day 2004. I miss her a lot...

More on the pocket battleship later and believe me I was afraid of my life of her, even when I towered over her.......

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #199 on: January 27, 2009, 13:45:51 PM »
The uilleann pipes are a particularly lovely instrument and should not be confused with Scottish bagpipes as they are inflated by means of a small set of bellows strapped around the waist and the right arm. The bellows not only relieves the player from the effort needed to blow into a bag to maintain pressure, they also allow relatively dry air to power the reeds, reducing the adverse effects of moisture.



Anyway there was a particularly talented uilleann pipe player and maker in bodyke called Martin Rochford.  People used to come from all over the world to see him and place orders for their particular instrument. Martin's Brother in Law was one Pa Halloran who lived on Drewsboro Road, a long straight stretch out of Scarriff.

One day an American tourist was travelling along this road trying to find the house of Martin Rochford, he was way off the mark as it happens. He sees Pa sitting on his wall, smoking his pipe. Pa was well into his 70's and was a small wizened man with a look of having been there and done that and was thoroughly pissed off with the world.

The American stopped and as Pa was the only living (Just) person in sight he walked across with the intention of asking directions.

"Hi there" says the tourist
"Good Day" says Pa, sucking on his pipe,
"I was wandering do you know Martin Rochford at all"
"Know him" says Pa "I slept with his sister last night"

Well the tourist took a look at Pa and backed off rapidly, literally running to his car.

Priceless

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #200 on: January 27, 2009, 14:06:32 PM »
Banjaxed (adj)

Very tired, broken beyond repair

(usage:) My arse was banjaxed after that vindaloo

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #201 on: January 27, 2009, 14:37:10 PM »
We were in Henchy's bar in Scarriff one lovely summer's day in July, when 4 German tourists arrived in. They were off one of the pleasure boats moored in the harbour.

They approached the bar and they didn't seem to have very good English so one of them pointed at the Harp dispenser and put 4 fingers up to indicate his order. Vinny pulled the pints and left them on the counter. The Germans proceeded to drink their drinks with no regard to Vinny standing staring at them.

"Hello, is everthing ok" said one in halting English
"Money" says Vinny (man of few words)
"Sorry, in Germany we pay after" says the guy
"In Ireland you pay now" says Vinny

The German went into his pocket and pulled out a sheaf of notes and laid them on the counter.

"When you need, you take" says the German

Well Vinny extracted the required amount and left the change and kept that up for most of the day as the German's drank, boy could they drink. The day drew on and it came to closing time and as usual the front door was locked as the festivities began. The German's were great Craic and sang a couple of their own songs as they downed pint after pint.

At about 3am the one German who had a bit of English summoned Vinny.

Looking at his watch he asked "Sorry at what time do you close"

Vinny looked at the pile of notes on the counter and said..

"Around October"

Priceless

Laxie

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #202 on: January 27, 2009, 14:37:55 PM »

Banjaxed (adj)

Very tired, broken beyond repair

(usage:) My arse was banjaxed after that vindaloo


And a word I use FAR too often these days.

kinboshi

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #203 on: January 27, 2009, 14:47:10 PM »
Brilliant stuff Ger.  I"ve only just managed to catch up on this thread - glad I did.  I"m getting some funny looks in the office though.

"Running hurts up to a point and then it doesn't get any worse."  Ann Trason

Laxie

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #204 on: January 27, 2009, 14:51:04 PM »
That Vinny story has always been one of my favs.  One mad night!!!

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #205 on: January 27, 2009, 15:13:25 PM »
We had a caravan by the side of the shop whilst we were building it and the house. When both these were finished the caravan was there for a while. My great friend Richie Maloney and a friend of his were out one night and of course we had a few too many so we thought that we would bunk down in the caravan that night.

We were over in Scarriff and got a late night chippie and headed back to Bodyke to retire for the night. Early in the morning I thought I heard a noise at the back of the shop and got up to investigate. Richie and his mate stirred and decided to lend a hand in case there was trouble.

I grabbed a hurley that was in the caravan and went outside followed by the other two brave souls. I looked around and saw they had decided to arm themselves, Richie's mate had a chicken leg from the night before and Richie had a spoon in his hand, they were still drunk.

FFS I walked round the back and turned round the back of the shop, Richie's mate thought he saw someone and took off away from the shop into the field behind, Richie followed and they sprinted down the field shouting at the tops of their voices.

Their forward progress was interrupted by the stream at the foot of the field and they both fell in. FFS good job there was no-one trying to rob the place and I strolled down the field towards them.

"We've got the little fecker" says Richie
" Aye" shouts his mate "Good and proper"

I reached the stream and there they were wrestling with one of P J Hogans bull calves in the stream as its mother watched bemused from the other bank..

Priceless days, good craic

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #206 on: January 27, 2009, 16:55:15 PM »

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #207 on: January 27, 2009, 21:20:27 PM »
When my sister and her husband came over from England for a holiday the ould lad decided to take them to the Galway Races one Saturday. I was helping my mother around the shop when the phone rang and I answered it.

"Hello" says I
"Where are you" says the ould lad (FFS in Morocco you eejit)
"What's up" says I
"The car's banjaxed" says he
"Oh" says I
"Come and get us NOW" says the ould lad
"And where might you be" I sighed
"In Gort of course" shouted he
"Where in Gort" says I
"Linnahans pub, where else" says he
"Where else" says I "I'll be 30 minutes"
"The way you drive I'll see you  in 10" and he slammed the phone down.

I drove to Gort and found them in Flannagan's , yes wrong pub. They were in fine form.

"Let's go then, we'll pick the car up tomorrow" says I
"You'll tow me" says the ould lad

Sigh, I attached the rope and they all piled into his car and I took off down the top road towards Bodyke. Passing through Kilanena the ould lad took to flashing the lights and I thought something must be up and I pulled over and the fecker rammed me. I got out and walked back.

"What's up" says I
"We need to get there today, now speed up you little eejit" says he

Well and truly pissed off, I had gone to pick him up, I was missing out on a few Saturday night pints. Speed up, I'll show him speed up. Well I took off and lammed it down the road, it was like a ball on the end of a piece of string as I screamed round corners like a lunatic. He started flashing again. Hah he had had enough. I stopped, the fecker rammed me again.

"What's up" says I
"That's better" says he "but take a detour past Con's" FFS that's his brother, lock up the brandy

I took off again and roared into the hotel courtyard (Uncle Con had a hotel), stopped, and yes the fecker rammed me again.

That was the end of the night as far as the ould lad was concerned, I took Maria & Mike home later and the ould lad followed in the milk truck at 6am

Priceless

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #208 on: January 27, 2009, 23:28:33 PM »
I really must get out more:

TV ads

Mouth wash -- Nude woman
Tootpaste - nude woman
Hair shampoo - nude woman

these I kinda understand, but

Biscuits  - nude woman
cars - nude woman

and last but not least

Dog hygene products - nude woman

Not complaining just a little perplexed

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #209 on: January 27, 2009, 23:39:33 PM »
With apologies to Mary Schmich/Baz Luhrmann

Welcome the Walsall APAT

Fold A 10.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, folding A 10 would be it.

The long-term benefits of folding this hand have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your AA. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of these cards until they"ve been cracked by 5 4 off. But trust me, in 20 years, you"ll look back at blogs of yourself and recall in a way you can"t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous AA really looked. You are not as loose as you imagine.

Don"t worry about the chip leader. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve the odds of a three way multi stacked all-in by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that Ironside you at 4 a.m. in a lap dancing club on some idle Saturday morning.

Do one thing every day that scares you (re-raise me when I'm drunk).

Raise.

Don"t be reckless with other people"s money. Don"t put up with people who re-raise your pissy assed positional raise.

Raise.

Don"t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you"re ahead, sometimes you"re behind. The race is long and, in the end, it"s only against chipaccrual anyway.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell Scouse.

Keep your old player notes. Throw away your old bank statements.

Raise.

Don"t feel guilty if you don"t know what you want to do with your hand. The most interesting people I know didn"t know what they wanted to do with AK. Some of the most interesting 60-year-olds I know still don"t.

See plenty of pots. Be kind to your three's. You"ll miss them when they"re gone.

Maybe you"ll double up, maybe you won"t. Maybe you"ll have trips, maybe you won"t. Maybe you"ll bust out in the first level, maybe you"ll make the final table on your 75th attempt. Whatever you do, don"t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices might seem limited. So are everybody else"s.

Enjoy your reads. Use them every way you can. Don"t be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It"s the greatest poker instrument you"ll ever own.

Bluff, even if you have nowhere to do it but on your own PC.

Read the rules, even if you don"t follow them.

Do not read poker magazines. They will only make you feel stupid.

Get to know your opponents. You never know when they"ll next go all in. Be nice to your outdraw merchants. They"re your best link to the fact that you shouldn't have been in the hand anyway.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in odds calculation and verbal declarations, because the older you get, the more you need the people who understood you when you had money.

Play in Monte Carlo once, but leave before it makes you broke. Play in Brighton once, but leave before it drives you mad.

Raise.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Donkeys will raise. Richeo won't fold. You, too, will push in. And when you do, you"ll fantasize that when you were young, people respected your raises, you won most pots and other poker players respected you.

Raise.

Don"t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a big bankroll. Maybe you"ll find a wealthy sponsor. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don"t mess too much with your chips or by the time you"re 40 you will have arthritis.

Be careful whose advice you listen to, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the last bad beat, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it"s worth.

But above all trust me on the A 10