Author Topic: Duke attempts the Impossible  (Read 903016 times)

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duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #345 on: February 16, 2009, 22:04:22 PM »
When Scarriff decided to form a rugby team in the early seventies I went along to the meeting in order to sign up.

Now normally people are chosen for there ability in certain positions. Not in this case.

You were a Front row player if you were mad, violent, psychopathic and totally fearless ...

You were a second row if you were over 6' 2"

You were a back row if you didn't fit the above except for the violent bit.

You were scrum half because you were the chairman's son

You were out half because you could spell the word rugby

The centres were chosen because they part owned the pub whose toilets were used as the changing rooms.

The wingers and full back positions were filled by the remaining members at the meeting.


We played tactical rugby with the centres never receiving a pass and the ball never going out of the forwards.

We didn't win many matches, but we never lost a fight

Good days

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #346 on: February 16, 2009, 22:06:46 PM »
The pub where we used to change before matches was a grand place and held traditional music sessions most week ends. We used to help out the owners around the bar after the gigs were over in order to tidy up and get a bit of after hours.

The glasses would be washed and tidied away and we would have a few pints, returning in the morning to help clear the floor area. This was done simply and effectively. We would open the big emergency exit doors at the back, get the two fire hoses and start at the top of the bar with them on full power and wash all the rubbish down the floor and out the back where it would collect in a heap. When the heap got too big a digger would arrive and it would be dumped in a tractor and trailer and taken to the land fill,

Simple and effective.

This is how we found Gerry Cooney one morning asleep where he had fallen under a table and damn near landed him on top of the heap. The full force of the hoses driving him a full 10 yards along the floor before we realised.


Priceless

MAIR

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #347 on: February 16, 2009, 22:08:14 PM »
:D :D
Mary Kivlin

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #348 on: February 16, 2009, 22:46:57 PM »
With apologies to Dangerous Dan Magrew by Robert Service

A bunch of the boys were whooping it up on the famous APAT site;
The kid that handles the music-box was hitting some jag-time jazz
Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Haworthbantam  bright,
And watching his luck was his light-o"-love, the lady that"s known as Caz.

When out of the night, which was fifty below, and into the din and glare,
There stumbled a player fresh from the tables, dog-dirty, and loaded for bear.
He looked like a man with an ace in the hole and scarcely the strength of a louse,
Yet he tilted a poke of chips on the felt, and he called for all his might.
There was none could place the stranger"s face, though we searched ourselves for a clue;
But we drank his health, and the last to drink was Haworthbantam right.

There"s men that somehow just call your bluff, and stare at you like a spell;
And such was he, and he looked to me like a man who had lived in hell;
With a face most hair, and the dreary stare of a donk whose day is done,
As he watered the green stuff in his glass, and the drops fell one by one.
Then I got to figgering who he was, and wondering what he was,
And I turned my head--and there watching him was the lady that"s known as Caz.

His eyes went rubbering round the room, and he seemed in a kind of daze,
Till at last that old table cards fell in the way of his wandering gaze.
The old man Des was having a drink; there was no one else on the stool,
So the stranger stumbles across the room, and flops down there like a fool.
In an APAT printed shirt that was glazed with dirt he sat, and I saw him sway,
Then he clutched the cards with his talon hands--my God! but that man could play.

Were you ever out in the Great DTD, when the moon was awful clear,
And the icy mountains hemmed you in with a silence you most could hear;
With only the howl of Tightend, and you camped there in the cold,
A half-dead thing in a stark, dead world, clean mad for no fecking fold
While high overhead, green, yellow, and red, the North Lights swept in bars?--
Then you"ve a hunch what the music meant...hunger and might and pokerstars.

And hunger not of the belly kind, that"s banished with bacon and beans,
But the gnawing hunger of lonely men for a flop and all that it means;
For a fireside far from the cares that are, four walls and a roof above;
But oh! so cramful of cosy joy, and crowded with Caz's love--
A woman dearer than all the world, and true as Heaven is true--

Then on a sudden the table changed, so soft that you scarce could hear;
But you felt that your life had been looted clean of all that it once held dear;
That someone had stolen the pot you wanted; that the flop was a devil"s lie;
That your guts were gone, and the best for you was to crawl away for spite,
"Twas the crowning cry of a heart"s despair, and it thrilled you through and through--
"I guess I"ll make it a big all in " said Haworthbantam  with fight.

The music almost dies away...then it burst like a pent-up flood;
And it seemed to say, "Reraise, reraise," and my eyes were blind with blood.
The thought came back of an ancient wrong, and it stung like a frozen lash,
And the lust awoke to push, to push...then the music stopped with a crash,
And the stranger turned, and his eyes they burned in a most peculiar way;

In a APAT picked shirt that was glazed with dirt he sat, and I saw him sway;
Then his lips went in a kind of grin, and he spoke, and his voice was calm,
And "Boys," says he, "you don"t know me, and none of you care a damn;
But I want to state, and my words are straight, and I"ll bet my stack it's right,
That one of you is a hound of hell...and that one is that Haworthbantam, right"

Then I ducked my head and the lights went out, and two Aces blazed in the dark;
And a woman screamed, and the lights went up, and two hands lay stiff and stark.
Pitched on it's head, and pumped full of hearts, was Haworthbantam"s night.
While the man from the left lay clutched to the breast of Caz (oops some respite).

These are the simple facts of the case, and I guess I ought to know.
They say that the stranger was crazed with "I've got odds" and I"m not denying it"s so.
I"m not so wise as the lawyer guys, but strictly as they played that jazz-
The woman that kissed him and--pinched his bankroll --was the lady known as Caz.

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #349 on: February 16, 2009, 23:03:31 PM »
Did you ever want to write your own obituary, just in case some plonker gets it wrong. Feel free to write your down here -- or I will

Mine-------

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the poker community.

Chezger Duke died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated bat beats He was 88.

Duke was buried in a pint glass shaped coffin. The gravesite was piled high with empty bottles of Corona NFL.

Attendants at the graveside included Des, head of APAT Worldwide Domination Inc, who took time off controlling all of the world"s poker games and television. Also there to pay respects was Chipaccrual the new CEO of posting for postings sake & Dodgy calls Ltd.

Father Jack delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Duke as a man who never knew how much he had drank, never fell down and was always ready for a laugh.

Various members of the "Ladies Dancing Community" were also in attendance bemoaning loss of income.

He was not considered a very smart man, wasting much of his money on silly draws, bad reads, liquid gold and loose women. Despite being a little off the pace at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a role model for many to aspire to.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 2 minutes out of respect for the maximum time he ever spent in a poker tournament.

lukybugur

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #350 on: February 17, 2009, 08:42:29 AM »
 ::)  :D

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #351 on: February 17, 2009, 17:29:35 PM »

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #352 on: February 17, 2009, 17:33:39 PM »
I found out last night that my PC has a thought transference interface, because every time I thought.

"the fecking river will fill his gut shot"

It did.

So I was amazed at this new found power and decided to make it work for me.

"the fecking river will fill my gutshot" I thought in the next game.

Hmm it seems that the PC has selective thought transference. OK lets turn this on it's head.

"the fecking river will not fill his gut shot"

Hmm now that's funny it seems that the PC is now reversing my thoughts. So plan B in the next game.

"the fecking river will not fill MY gut shot"

Bugger it's now agreeing with me again.


More research required.


rubertoe

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #353 on: February 17, 2009, 17:37:00 PM »
Not only the best blog on APAT - but possibly the Web! ;D :o ;D
Lifes tough, its even tougher when your stupid

North London Poker Club

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #354 on: February 17, 2009, 18:02:10 PM »
In my experience (limited that it is) I have found when it comes to members of the opposite sex, the harder you try the more difficult it gets.

When I was running round the country in my youth trying to impress the fairer sex, I seemed to fail miserably when trying the hardest.

We were in Lisdoonvarna one night and there was a crowd of us in a bar when we espied one of the most, if not the most, beautiful girl it has ever been my pleasure to espy, sitting at the bar on her own. Nah she must have a boyfriend, she was drop dead, achingly gorgeous.

The conversation was a little muted between us as we took sneaky looks in her direction, often I might add, wondering if any mere mortal would stand a chance of going out with her.

She seemed to have telepathic abilities, because if a lad came within 10 feet of her she would look at him and he would wither and die under the gaze, slinking back from whence he came with his tail firmly between his legs.


"bloody hell, there is no chance with that one" says Denis
"I don't know" says I, full of bravado
"Feck off, you have two chances, none and feck all" says Pat
"bet you I could get her to go out with me" says I, hackles well and truly risen.
"Ok you're on, a fiver each says you can't" oops bluff called
"Ok' says I "You're on" swallowing hard and thinking OMG here comes my downfall and complete humiliation.

She seemed to be on the verge of leaving so I gathered up what was left of my courage and walked across, my shields deflecting the photon torpedoes she was firing from her eyes as she contemplated my ultimate demise with the maximum of embarrassment. .

"Don't kill me yet" says I "just hear me out"

Her beautiful green eyes seemed to grab me and punch me in the stomach as a mischievous glint appeared in them.

"I would take it as a distinct favour if you would let me accompany you to the door when you are leaving and once outside we can go our separate ways" blurted I
"Why" she smiled obviously intrigued.

Oh my God that smile would have melted pure granite and it made my insides do a loop de loop before they settled back into some sort of normal position.

"To be honest" says I "my friends are so certain that you will knock me back and would never even contemplate being in my company for more that 1 second, that they have put money on it"

The eyes blazed from green to a stunning whirlpool of colours and the photon torpedoes were joined by phasers on full power.

"It's a bet!!" she whispered through gritted teeth
"Yes" squeaked I, going bright red and falling even deeper into her eyes

"Buy me a drink then" says she

Well feathers and being knocked down sprung to mind and I bought her a drink being careful to keep my back to the lads as my breathing tried to return to some sort of normality. We made a little small talk and to be honest I can't remember a word, only that her voice was as soft as the morning rain.

"I'm ready to go now" says she.

We walked to the door and, fair play, she put her hand in mine as we exited. I sneaked a look at the lads and they were aghast with jaws dropping near the floor.

Once outside, I looked down at her..

"Thanks for that I know it was a silly and stupid thing to do, I apologise and I really appreciate it" says I
"No problem" says she "Now we are outside how about another drink somewhere else, that'll keep them wondering and you can tell me what else you are willing to bet on"
"It will be my absolute pleasure" says I

That was the start of a relationship that was perfect in every way until we parted the best of friends a couple of months later.

Her name, Aoife Heffernan.


It's a funny old world Saint.....

janc

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #355 on: February 17, 2009, 18:07:03 PM »

Not only the best blog on APAT - but possibly the Web! ;D :o ;D


ditto
Form is temporary, but class is permanent

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #356 on: February 17, 2009, 20:23:03 PM »

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #357 on: February 17, 2009, 20:37:16 PM »
I loved that donkey  ;D it was a reflection of free spirit  

absofeckinglutelyfeckingpriceless

duke3016

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #358 on: February 17, 2009, 20:40:19 PM »

MAIR

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Re: Duke attempts the Impossible
« Reply #359 on: February 17, 2009, 21:22:40 PM »
sounds good to me :D
Mary Kivlin