Duke attempts the Impossible

[duke3016]

I was of course intrigued as to why this particular rumble took place every Tuesday night. I mean, FFS, why only on a Tuesday, and why at all.


So being a direct person, I asked a direct question

"What the feck was that about and why only on a Tuesday" says I
"It used to be every time we met but we had a meeting and decided to limit the hostilities to one night only" says O'Neill
"FFS you had a meeting" says I
"Aye" says he
"And the only thing to come out of this meeting was a fight night, no other resolution" says I
"Yes there were other resolutions, like no hostilities at all in Christmas or Easter week and if one of either party's people were sick the opposition would reduce their numbers by one. Tonight's toilet issue was a departure from the agreed agenda." Says he

I must have been hit on the head as I didn't understand this at all.

"So, in the light of this "departure" what going to happen now" says I
"We will call another meeting" says O'Neill
"And at this meeting will you discuss the core issue of land ownership" says I
"Oh no, only the fight rules" says O'Neill
"Will the issue of land every be resolved" says I
"Well to be honest, I am not arsed whether it is or not, we only need clarity around the fight night rules" says he

I had been beamed up to La La land and had been given hallucinogenic drugs. I looked at Anne and she shrugged. I looked at the ould lad, and he was nodding sagely as if the situation was completely normal.

"Of course, now that you are going out with Anne we will have to allow them to add one of the other brothers to even it up" says O'Neill

If they thought I was going to appear for "fight night" every week they had another think coming.

"No Da" says one of the sons "we distinctly said in the last meeting that additions could only be made to any side if the addition was married to the sister"

"Oh that's right, so when are you two getting married" says O'Neill

Whoa, this was progressing in quite the wrong direction as my mischievous mother started congratulating the two of us. I wisely kept my trap shut as Anne took my hand and winked at me.

"Right, drinks all round to the lucky couple" says O'Neill

contd.......

[MAIR]

OMG LOL

[APAT]

Jesus wept, just off Space Mountain and now this?!?

[Hammerheid]

i just wonder where this is going but i must admit to pmsl

[duke3016]

I woke up the next morning with a bit of a head, last night really was just a dream wasn't it. Don't kid yourself Ger, no it wasn't. The night ended ok with Anne and myself laughing off the preposterous suggestions of marriage. The problem was her ould lad seemed serious. Nah he was just taking the piss, wasn't he?

I went out into the kitchen to the ould lad's off tune whistling of Mendelssohn"s "Wedding March".  FFS he had a warped sense of humour. My mother was looking through Todd's clothing catalogue paying particular attention to ensembles with floppy hats.

"Knock it off" says I
"Pre nuptial nerves" says the ould lad

Sigh, it would probably be better if I said feck all and the joke would run its course.

Anyway I cast that to the back of my mind and enquired what we were going to do today.

"We are going shark fishing" says the ould lad
"Feck off, what are we really doing" says I
"Going shark fishing off Doonbeg" says the ould lad. "Your prospective Father-in-law sorted it out for us"

You'll be sleeping with the fecking fishes if you keep that up ould lad I thought to myself.

Should be a bit of craic anyway. We got ready and headed off to the harbour in Doonbeg. When we arrived we asked about and were directed to a boat at the end of the pier. It wasn't exactly the Calypso but it looked sturdy enough and the skipper looked the part. He had all the gear we required and we hopped aboard and the ould lad negotiated the going rate, paid the man and we set off.

We were the only three in the boat and the skipper went about instructing us on the safety etc. We ran for about 30 minutes and were informed that here we were to fish for mackerel, which was to be the bait for the sharks. Now mackerel are easy fish to catch, just drop a line with 6 lures, six tugs, and then reel in a full line of fish.

When we had enough of mackerel we steamed further out and the skipper started to drop some feeder bait out of the foulest smelling bucket I had ever had the misfortune to put my nose near. Now I am not the best sailor and that did the trick, the morning's breakfast went over the side. Swiftly followed by yesterday's tea and some of my stomach lining.

God I was ill and my mood wasn't made any better by the ould lad doing his impression of Captain Pugwash, stopping short of actually talking in a stage Pirate's accent. With the stomach empty I wasn't felling to bad but I sat out for a while watching the skipper help the ould lad hook up.

He was fishing for only a few minutes, when the tip of his rod twitched, then damn near bend double.

"Hang on Michael, smoothly does it" says the skipper.

Under the tutelage of the skipper the ould lad began to reel in whatever he had snagged. The skipper reckoned it was a shark and a goodly one.

"Gently, no jerks" says the skipper

Now telling the ould lad to be gentle was like telling a piranha to become a vegetarian. As the clock ticked the old lad got more impatient to land the monster of the deep at the end of his line.

"Gently" says the skipper

Gently my arse, the rod was bent double as the ould lad reeled and pulled at the same time, with his body leaning backwards as he heaved at the rod. I was watching this in fascination and expectation. Not because of the battle between man and a denizen of the deep, but more wandering when the line was going to break and how far backwards the ould lad would go.

The skipper had the same idea I think, and came out from behind the ould lad and stepped to one side still trying to get him to calm down.

The line broke.

The ould lad shot backwards and landed in a heap right on top of the foul smelling shark bait. He lay there for a moment getting his senses amid an expectant silence on the boat. He delivered a continuous stream of obscenities that echoed around the boat and over the water. If the creature that was on the end of his line was listening he was now dead through sheer force of will.

I did not improve the ould lads mood by collapsing to my knees weak with laughter and my mother was doing her best not to laugh and eventually failing. Even the skipper cracked a smile.

That was the only bite we had that day, but the memory of the ould lad in the pile of offal (and the way he smelled all the way back) will stay with me forever. As will his stories of how Moby Dick got away, as the boat chugged back to the harbour, the fish gained the dimensions of the QEII.

Priceless......

[Laxie]

LMAOOOO!!!

well.  At least ye caught some mackerel.  

[MAIR]

LMAO

[duke3016]

Oh and a little brag post

Iceland IT department won the Retail Systems IT team of the year last night. I like to think that my efforts played a wee part (over 100 nights in fecking hotel rooms this year alone FFS installing a new WMS application)

[Waz1892]

Thats why Dukes goes to Iceland!

[duke3016]

When we docked we had a bit of a quandary. What to do with "fish man" on the journey home. He really stank and there was no way we could stick that for the 15 minute drive back to the house.

So I had a plan, I would drive and my mother would ride shotgun and we would put the ould lad in the boot. Before you cry cruelty, it was an estate car and he could sit in the space behind the back seat. We opened all the windows and left the back door of the car open.

Now, of course I would have to drive fairly slowly as the ould lad would have no seat belt or proper seat, and he would be rolling round the back if I drove at any speed. So being the caring son that I am, I took off like a lunatic.

He was gripping the back seat and swearing beautifully as we covered the 10 miles without losing him. Whenever I braked he smacked into the back of the seat and it was a good job that it was only a 1.6 or every time I accelerated I might have lost him out the back. I was watching in the mirror and although I knew I would pay for this 15 minutes for a long time, it was sadistically worth it.

I braked to a halt outside the house and he rolled out the back and called me all the names under the sun as he went inside. Showered and the clothes incinerated he was in a better mood that evening as we set out for the pub. Anne was on donkey duty so it was to be a quiet couple of pints and back to the house.

WRONG......

[duke3016]

Now because of the bouncing I had given the ould lad on the way back to the house, he never gave up on the snide remarks all the way to the pub, and in the pub. He was milking this marriage thing.

I had expected this, so I retreated into a reverse mind mode. You know, he would say something but my mind would picture something else.

"You're a little young and irresponsible to be getting married" says he
I pictured the tree falling on the tractor

"Your life will fall in around you" says he
I pictured the store roof collapsing in the car engine episode

"You will have to start making proper decisions" says he
I pictured the rush of water blasting him backwards at the bridge clearing episode

"You will have to listen" says he
I pictured him in the shark bait

"You will have to grow up" says he
I pictured him flying over the table in the Kelly episode

Well as this tirade was developing I could see my mother looking at the ould lad and getting slightly madder with every sentence, until she exploded.

She proceeded to tell him, in no uncertain terms that he should practice what he preached and for the last 25 years she had seen none of those qualities that he was rabbiting on about. Well, Thank God, that shut him up and silence descended. I could see he was itching to say more, she was itching to say more and I was bottling up some frustration at the whole insane marriage thing.

Because it's a small community and everyone knows everyone's business, all the locals knew about the fight and the surreal marriage thing. However, because of the mood we were in,  it was a real moment of extreme bad timing when some idiots at the bar decided to take the piss out of the whole situation....

contd

[duke3016]

As timing's go these boys were well off, worse than a shove with air and running into Aces. I told the ould folks to stay put and approached the gaggle at the bar.

"You want to continue this conversation outside" I snarled
"Sorry" says one of the chosen few
"Keep your mouths shut or outside now" says I
"We meant no harm" says another "Only having a bit of fun"
"Fun's over, put up or shut up" says I
"We apologise, no harm done" says matey boy

Deflated and feeling vaguely cheated I turned on my heel and went back to the table. Before I reached it the ould lad stood up and made his way towards the group.

"My son not good enough for you" he says
"Eh" they chorused
"Right that's an insult to me, outside now" he says
"FFS we apologise to you as well" says one of the crestfallen

The ould lad looked like a two year old that had its lollipop nicked as he wandered back to the table. I was about to ask him what the hell he was up to when my mother got up to do her shift FFS.

"If you won't fight the men, are women your level" says my Ma
"Jesus Maam you are all fecking mad, we are leaving" says puzzled man
"Typical" says my Ma

With looks of pure comical bewilderment they downed their drinks and damn near fell over each other to get out the door.

"Now what are we going to do for the rest of the night" says the ould lad
"We could try the pub you are barred from" says I dripping with sarcasm
"Hmm" says the ould lad completely missing the sarcasm, I must work on that.
"Hmm" says my Ma
"FFS, I was joking" says I
"Finish up Michael I fancy another drink in that other lounge" says my Ma

They finished their drinks and stood up.

"You coming Ger" says my Ma

FML

[duke3016]

I have had a shiite day at work
Marie has moved back in following a lover"s tiff
I will have to do the Parent thing and listen
I have other pressures that are doing my head in and that I need to sort quickly
I will drink myself to distraction tonight
Normal service will be resumed shortly

bring on Vegas I need a break

[APAT]

Great read Ger, good luck with the parent thing this evening.  

[duke3016]

Great read Ger, good luck with the parent thing this evening.  

I have been trained for most things in my work life - however some parental things aren"t easy, but I reckon it"s all about providing a shoulder and listening I can do that   my problems can wait