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Duke attempts the Impossible

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Fatcatstu:

--- Quote from: duke3016 on November 07, 2016, 17:40:30 PM ---
When the Wee Man was a little lad we went to France every year. We used to stay overnight in Dover in order to get the early boat in the morning. To pass the time on the long drives we used to play the old alphabet name game. You would pick a subject and then go through the alphabet in turn.

When we were having dinner that night in the hotel there were four of us Me, Gabrielle, Ger and his sister Marie and we decided to play the game to pass away a bit of time. The subject was countries (Q and W were the toughies in that one) anyway Marie was first

Marie “Australia”
Gabrielle “Belgium”
Ger “Canada”
Me “Denmark”
Marie “umm give me a clue”
Me “You"re in a country that begins with E you eejit”
Marie with an air of smugness “Daddy please Dover begins with a D”

Bless

Anyway it was Ger"s choice for a subject, he was in his first year at secondary school and said “As I am doing biology let"s do body parts”

FML full restaurant and all.  Let"s do it

Marie “Arm”
Gabrielle “Bicep” after looking all over herself.
Ger in a very loud and confident voice “Clitoris”

OMG the whole restaurant stopped, food midway between plate and mouth and all eyes were on our table. Well I nearly wet myself, Gabrielle didn"t exactly see the funny side and was shooting me daggers.

“Well it"s a body part” said the wee man indignantly.
“Do you know where it is” says his mother
“Yes, we did it in biology” says the wee man
“Well, tell your Father, he hasn"t got a clue”

FML


--- End quote ---


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA

duke3016:
Now me I play alphabet poker

A = Always lay down to a Rodders Raise
B = Beaten to a Rodders raise
C = Can"t call a Rodders raise
D = Dead in the water to a Rodders raise
E= Even if I have the nuts I can"t call a Rodders raise
F = F&^%$ he"s raised again
G = Great hand Rodders -- You little *&%$$
H = Have it !!!!!!!
I = I fold
J = Jesus A"s again
K = Kill Rodders-- no that would be too quick
L = Leave it out Rodders that"s five times now
M = Mother of God -- if you raise again I will not be responsible for my actions
N = No way have you a straight -- ah you have
O = Ok now its war
P = Perhaps you would like to rethink that bet -- no -- ok fold
Q = Quintessentially I think you have feck all -- oops wrong
R = Rotten luck him hitting runner runner -- oh well
T = That's the last time you raise me
U = Unlucky with that last call Duke
V = Visits to Rodders in hospital will be orderly and refined
W = What the F*&^%
X = X-ray vision -- no way
Y = You are possibly the luckiest man alive
Z = Zoo -- Zoo -- you belong in a home for the criminally insane

Have a nice day and I"m happy you are making money (hah!!!)

duke3016:
My mother had a stoke in the early 90's and for all intents and purposes lost the use of her right arm and had limited use in her right leg. When she was in hospital the only thing that worried her was the fact that she couldn't sign cheques in order to pay her bills. I told her not to worry and that I would sort that out.

Now my mother had a bit of a temper and she told me in no uncertain terms that she had always paid her way and that wouldn't stop now just because she couldn't use her right hand. So I said I would go down to the bank to see what could be done.

Now I had a very low opinion of banks seeing as how I was broke most of the time and the only correspondence was them was of a threatening kind so it was with a little trepidation that I rang up and made an appointment with the Manager.

I arrived for the meeting and was ushered into his office.

“Can I help you?”

I introduced myself and explained the situation and he looked at me from over his glasses.

“Mr Smyth I will send a clerk to the hospital to take an alternative signature from your Mother” says he
“Her right hand is out of action” says I
“If she spits on the check I will honour it” says he

Wouldn't happen today.


My mother was let out of hospital and returned home and I arranged for her to have one of those alarm thingy's around her neck.  Now when pressed, the company would ring the house and if it got no answer, they would then ring three designated numbers in order to get the situation assessed and if that failed they would ring the Guards. Good idea really.

Anyway, one morning my mother was getting out of bed (we had moved the bed downstairs) and she fell and was unable to get up again so she pressed the alarm. She couldn't reach the phone when it rang so the designated people were rang. I understand that it was funny with lights coming on and people legging it up the road to the house. They all had a spare key but my mother, when locking up that night, had left the key in the door so they couldn't open the door.

They shouted in and my mother answered and they were thinking of a way to get in when one of the Maloney children walked past on his way to school. There was a small window open upstairs that a child could squeeze through so they got a ladder and shoved the poor child up.

The wee lad got in and was directed down the stairs to where my mother was and was instructed to open the door, As he passed the door to the room where my mother was he looked in..

“Good morning, what's your name young Maloney” says my mother
“John” says the lad
“Do you want a sweet” says my mother still lying on the floor in her nightie
“Oh yes” says the young lad and walked into the room

Well he sat down and they were having a grand conversation until a voice boomed from outside.

“Open the fecking door you little fecking eejit”

Good people, great village, priceless



As I was saying, I had made arrangements so that my mother could stay downstairs and would have no need to climb the stairs. Whilst she was on her feet she could navigate around the house, it was only if she fell that she was in trouble.

My mother was fiercely independent, and didn't want to be a burden on people, But, as I was in England I had also persuaded her that I would arrange for a home help to come in the mornings to sort the house out and things.

I returned home about a month after she came out of hospital, just to see how she was getting on. She was grand, managing no problem. We had a commode set up next to the bed so that at night all she would have to do was swing out of the bed onto the toilet and then back again.

I was planning to stay a few days and on one of them I came back from the pub and went upstairs to bed. In the early morning I swear I heard a ghostly voice saying my name. I sat up and sure enough there was this weak voice calling “Gerard”. FFS was it my time, was I being called to the great hereafter.

I got up and pulled my pants on and went to the top of the stairs “Gerard” the voice weakly called again. I went downstairs and it was me Mother.. She had fallen off the commode and was lying on the floor.

“About fecking time” says she
“You alright Mam” says I
“Yes, grand” says she “I always sleep like this you eejit”

Well I helped her stand up and she was ok, but I could see there was a mischievous glint in her eye.

“You'll have to change my nappy” says she
“WHAT, you are having a laugh” says I
“No” says she smiling

FFS, I got the wherewithal and proceeded to put the “nappy” on, which was very difficult with my eyes closed and her shaking with laughter. I managed it and helped her back into bed.

As I kissed her goodnight she giggled

“What goes round, comes round, you little Shiite.

I went back to bed with her still roaring with laughter. There are some things a son should not be asked to do and that is one of them.

duke3016:
When my sister and her husband came over from England for a holiday the ould lad decided to take them to the Galway Races one Saturday. I was helping my mother around the shop when the phone rang and I answered it.

“Hello” says I
“Where are you” says the ould lad (FFS in Morocco you eejit)
“What's up” says I
“The car's banjaxed” says he
“Oh” says I
“Come and get us NOW” says the ould lad
“And where might you be” I sighed
“In Gort of course” shouted he
“Where in Gort” says I
“Linnahans pub, where else” says he
“Where else” says I “I'll be 30 minutes”
“They way you drive I'll see you  in 10” and he slammed the phone down.

I drove to Gort and found them in Flannagan's , yes wrong pub They were in fine form.

“Let's go then, we'll pick the car up tomorrow” says I
“You'll tow me” says the ould lad
Sigh, I attached the rope and they all piled into his car and I took off down the top road towards Bodyke. Passing through Kilanena the ould lad took to flashing the lights and I thought something must be up and I pulled over and the fecker rammed me. I got out and walked back.

“What's up” says I
“We need to get there today, now speed up you little eejit” says he

Well and truly pissed off, I had gone to pick him up, I was missing out on a few Saturday night pints. Speed up, I'll show him speed up. Well I took off and lammed it down the road, it was like a ball on the end of a piece of string as I screamed round corners like a lunatic. He started flashing again. Hah he had had enough. I stopped, the fecker rammed me again.

“What's up” says I
“That's better” says he “but take a detour past Con's” FFS that's his brother, lock up the brandy

I took off again and roared into the hotel courtyard (Uncle Con had a hotel), stopped, and yes the fecker rammed me again.

That was the end of the night as far as the ould lad was concerned, I took Maria & Mike home later and the ould lad followed in the milk truck at 6am

Priceless

duke3016:
Jager bombs at blackjack and still won $200 first day was good. Rodders can"t count, stu was loud and wee man"s burrito stank the room out. Epic

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