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Duke attempts the Impossible
duke3016:
Making one's true love happy will cost a whopping £87,403 this year, a fairly small increase on last year.
That's the grand total for the single partridge in a pear tree to the 12 drummers drumming, purchased repeatedly as the song suggests. The price is up a mere £794, or less than 1 percent, from £86,609 last year.
The cost of buying each item just once is increasing this year to £21,466, up 1.8 percent from last year's £21,081.
The modest increase is due to lower energy costs and fewer wage increases.
The main driver behind the higher cost is that the price of gold has increased 43 percent, bringing the five gold rings up £150 to £500.
Although wage increases were modest, nine ladies dancing, at £5,473 per performance, is the costliest item, surpassing that of any of the material goods.
The most expensive goods are the seven swans a-swimming at £5,250, but their cost decreased 6.3 percent from last year's £5,600. Their cost tends to be the most volatile because of supply and demand; they were up 33 percent last year over 2007.
Costs for the 10 lords a-leaping (£4,414 per performance), 11 pipers piping (£2,285 per performance) and 12 drummers drumming (£2,475 per performance) remained the same as last year. This reflects the labour market in which the unemployment rate has risen.
And for those who would shop online, a word of caution.
Buying each item once on the internet will cost £31,435, which is down from last year's online price, but still about £10,000 more than in the traditional index.
In general, Internet prices are higher than their non-Internet counterparts because of shipping costs for birds and the convenience factor of shopping online.
Have a nice time buying your pressies
duke3016:
My father was a direct person, and you were left in no doubt as to the thoughts that were in his brain. He also was not adverse to apportioning blame when things did not go entirely his own way. Normally this meant lumping the blame on me.
I wandered out to the shop one fine Saturday morning, and as usual he was at the till hands below the level of the counter and a guilty look on his face.
“FFS I thought you were your mother” says He
“Smoking again Da” says I
“Feck off” says he, pulling the sneaky ciggy from under the counter and drawing on it with a serene smile on his face.
“By the way, what are you at today” says he
“Thought I'd take a 10 mile run and then build a replica of the Taj Mahal” says I
“Feck off” says he “I need you after lunch”
“What for” says I
“We need to knock the shed next to Healy's” says he
FFS more manual labour when there was a pint with my name on it in Slattery's.
“No bother” says I
After lunch my mother took over in the shop and the ould lad and myself walked down to the shed. We had armed ourselves with Picks, Shovels & Sledgehammers and surveyed the shed.
Now it was attached to Healy's gable end on one side and looking at it I was not so sure that it didn't serve as a considerable prop for said gable end and I said so.
“Feck off ya eejit Healy's house is a solid as a rock” says he
“I'm not so sure Da” says I
“Start the other end” says he
Well we stripped the galvanise off the roof and removed the timber which didn't take long as it was rotten with age, and commenced breaking down the walls. It was going fairly well and I only just missed decapitating the ould lad twice, and he only managed to hit me on the backswing three times. Result in those days. We were about halfway along when I again voiced my reservations concerning the gable end.
“Feck off, it's fine” says he “and take care where you swing that sledge” FFS me take care, he was like Frank Spencer on speed with a sledge.
Still, I suppose Healy's house had stood before the shed was built and would surely stand after. We finished the job and the only damage to Healy's gable end was an area in need of plaster work along the lines of the wall and roof of the now demolished shed.
“Told ya, ya eejit” says the ould man “Safe as the Rock of Gibraltar”
We decided to move the rubble and metal on the next weekend and retired to the house for tea.
At precisely 21:10 a goodly proportion of Healy's gable end tumbled out and joined the rumble already there from the shed.
We were summoned to the scene of this particular ground zero to be confronted by Jimmy Healy.
“I told Ger” says the ould lad to Jimmy Healy
What, FFS I stared incredulously at the ould lad.
The house was still standing and the damage was limited to a central hole about 2 metres wide half way up the wall. It seems that the spot where it broke was in the bathroom and the wall was weak anyway and our efforts at demolition hastened the inevitable.
“I told him to be careful” says the ould lad
“Aye” says Jimmy
“I'll get it sorted” says the ould lad
“Aye” says Jimmy. Not one to be flustered the same Jimmy
FFS I knew better than to open my mouth however and held my counsel. The ould lad paid for the refurbish and regaled anyone who cared to listen that he always knew about the weakness and that his son never listened to him.
Priceless
duke3016:
My mother was a little minx and was not adverse to lighting the blue touch paper and retiring to see the results. The subtle digs (and sometimes not so subtle) were a minefield to be avoided on a daily basis.
I had been in England 2 years when the wee man was born and decided it was time to go home and show off the grandson. We arrived early afternoon into the village and parked the car. When you travel with a baby 99% of all luggage belongs to the baby FFS. When we were off loaded and the oohs and aahs were through, wee man was fed and watered and put to his bed. The girls had gone off in search of mischief and Gabrielle being tired hit the hay as well.
So I decided to do a little walk around the village and maybe end up in Mike's for a little nightcap. I was lost in my own thoughts about times gone by etc. and as I passed Pat Malone's shop, the window got rapped. I went into the shop
“You'll have a drop” says he
“Aye, a small one” says I
Never ask a teetotaller to fill a glass of whiskey, they fill it like you'd fill lemonade. A large tumbler of whiskey later I made my way out of the shop and along the road.
Irish hospitality being what it is, this scenario went through rinse and repeat in the houses of Healy's, Mac's, Keegan's and Hannon's so by the time I got to Mike's bar I was legless to say the least and awash with Whiskey.
I ordered a pint and settled down lost in the warmth of the company and the innocence of village life. One pint followed another and I staggered home at some hour of the morning and because of the sleeping arrangements I was in the older part of the house and fell into bed.
To disguise the lateness of my entrance I got up early and made the wee man's bottle (Well in his case it was more like a bucket, he was a hungry fecker) and changed and fed the little Shiite.
Sitting in the kitchen content with life, with my son resting in the crook of my arm, sipping a coffee, Gabrielle came in.
“And what time did you get in” she snappily enquired
“Around 12, light of my life” I sweetly lied.
My mother arrived into the kitchen with all the subtlety of an aircraft carrier on full steam ahead and slapped the kettle on, sat down, lit a cigarette and smiled. FML
“Ger, what was the weather like when you came in at 3.30 this morning” says she.
Blue touch paper lit, she leaned back and waited for the inevitable storm to unleash.
Fair play, Gabrielle did not disappoint her.
Women, gotta love 'em.
Priceless
duke3016:
I arrived home from work one evening and found my Mother & Father in a huddle at the back of the shop. Their faces were solemn and their tones were hushed. As I entered the shop they stopped talking and looked at me.
FML what have I done now, I tried to think what I had done lately and my excuses were ready whatever it was.
“Can we have a word” says the ould lad.
FFS he was being polite now I was worried, it was always the way the calm before the storm broke.
“Sure” says I
The ould lad went to the front of the shop and locked the door. OMG he never shut the shop ever, even when he broke his arm and I had to take him to casualty he waited until my mother was ready to sit at the till. We retired in an orderly fashion to the kitchen and I checked my escape routes.
The back door was probably locked so the fastest route out would be through the hall into my bedroom and out the window. I tensed myself for the rapid exit.
“It's about Maria” says the ould lad.
Thank Feck for that, Maria is my sister and was living in England.
“What's the problem” says I, now so relieved I was in high spirits
“She is getting married” says the ould lad.
“To who” says I
After a withering look, the ould lad said “To Mike of course”
“And is that a problem” says I
“God No” they both chorused
Of course it was ok, Mike was a headmaster in a large school in London and was a Catholic. Good Son in law material that.
“So what's the bother” says I
“We want to go” says the ould lad
So that was it, the bluff ould bugger didn't want to ask (or tell) me outright that he wanted me to mind the shop while they went off to England. To be honest I didn't really want to go anyway as it would be a stuffy affair bereft of drunkenness and violence.
“I'll see if I can take a few days off work and mind the shop for you” says I
“Good boy” says the ould lad “I'll pay you for loss of wages”
“I get paid holidays Da” says I
“Never mind that I'll slip you a few pounds for your trouble” says he
FFS what had happened, That bright light I saw last night must have been aliens who have taken the ould lad away and replaced him with this upsetting Mr Nice Guy.
They prepared for the trip and were about to set off for four days in England. Just before he got into the car he returned to where I was standing at the door.
“You will of course be liable for any losses incurred during the time I am away”
FFS the aliens had got fed up and put the ould lad back.
Priceless
duke3016:
My 21st birthday party was a riotous affair but was great craic. It was held in the ballroom of my Uncle's hotel and that was his present to me along with a free bar for 2 hours. Bless him. My two sister's had come over from England for the do and my current bit of passion, Pauline Wade was also there.
My father was of course holding court at the end of the bar with his brother, lowering the levels of a couple of bottles of Brandy. The music was provided by the Grogan Brothers whose mix of folk and country went down very well with the attendees.
I had hired a coach for my workmates who were coming from Shannon and there was approximately 200 people there. What was very nice is that there was only two fights, although the second one was a bit protracted it was carried out in a fairly orderly fashion. The highlight of the second one was the fact that me and the ould lad fought side by side, , what nostalgia.
Anyway, as the night drew on Pauline got a little annoyed at the antics and as her brother was going home she shot off with him. Don't blame her really she wasn't getting much attention from me. The night drew to a close around 3am and the hardened campaigner's adjourned back to Bodyke to continue the proceedings in the local.
Now the following day Bodyke United soccer team (I kid you not) were due to play in the semi final of the Munster junior cup in Waterford and as most of the players were at the do we mounted the coach at 8am hammered and having had no sleep.
I was in goal and I only gave away 3 penalties (I saved two of them) and wasn't sent off, which was a mystery to me as I was suffering so badly that I wanted to be sent off so I could retire to the clubhouse for a hair of the dog. We lost 3-0 which was not a bad result against the eventual winners of the competition as we finished the game with 8 men. 3 lucky buggers managed to get an early bath.
The trip home was a riot and when we arrived in the village at about 8pm that night the residue from the party was already in good voice. So we joined in.
You could do those things when you were 21 and still get up for work on the Monday. Couldn't do it now though.
Priceless days, sorely missed
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