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Duke attempts the Impossible

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duke3016:
A goodly few years ago I was at a works do in Ennis, I was working for De Beers at the time and the night was very lively and the drink was flowing. I had consumed a fine few scoops and I went out into the grounds of the hotel to get a bit of fresh air and try to sober up a wee bit.

I walked around the grounds and they were pretty extensive. Well, lost in my own intoxicated thoughts I looked up and could see no hotel whatever direction I looked in. I seemed to be in some sort of wood and could get no bearings at all.

FFS I am on the edge of a major town it can"t be that far in any direction to find civilisation. I started walking and in the pitch black I fell a couple of times and my nice white shirt was torn and no longer a nice white shirt.

I came to the edge of the wood and saw a large stately home sort of building with numerous lights on. At this stage I was knackered and I stumbled towards the main door. All I needed was a phone. I knocked on the door and it was opened by two men in suits.

I thought I said “Can I use your phone please” but by the way the two suits looked at me, in my exhaustion I must have sounded unintelligible. The next thing I know they gently grabbed an arm each while making “there there” noises. I was placed in a nice little room with no furniture other than one bare chair.

It could have been a four poster bed as I flopped into it and the two suits stood staring at me.

“Doesn"t look familiar” said suit #1

“No, but he must be one of ours, just look at him” said suit #2

“What"s your name” said suit #1

“Smyth” says I stupidly

“He"s one of ours, Call Mr. O"Brien” said suit #2

Mr. O"Brien arrives and by this stage I had recovered some composure and managed to explain what happened.

“Where am I anyway” says I

“St Joseph"s Psychiatric Unit” says Mr. O"Brien

FML


Priceless. It"s a wonder they let me out.

duke3016:

Des:
It"s golden reading these stories Ger.  You really should put them into a book and kindle them out to the world.

duke3016:
Most people of my parents' generation had never been out of Ireland and the ones that did usually only went to England to find work. My parents didn't even have a passport FFS. As you may have guessed the best years of my life were the 10 years between my 16th and 25th Birthdays. I travelled a lot I played hard and worked hard. In 1978 I went to South Africa for a year and apart from the obvious undertones of apartheid it was a fabulous time.

Where is this going, says you, well, I tell you this is a tale of when my Father decided that just before the grand opening of the shop in 1972 we would take a family holiday as he couldn't see himself having anymore after the shop was opened.

“Great” says my mother “Where shall we go, Spain”
“Too hot” says the ould lad
“America” says my mother
“Too far” says the ould lad
“Then where?” says my Mother
“Let me think” says the ould lad

He chewed on the stem of his pipe as silence descended on the kitchen.

“This year Da” says I
“Feck off” he replied

He paused to speak and we waited expectantly, then he shook his head. FFS he repeated this performance for around 30 minutes when we both knew what his answer would be. He was a predictable as he was stubborn. He always went to this place in his childhood and teens and he thought in his own mind that it was the same as it was 30 years previous.

“I know” he says

My mother sighed and I was resigned to the outcome as well. We really pissed him off when we both said the destination at the same time as himself.

“Kilkee”

FFS Kilkee was on the coast of Clare around 40 miles away and while it was a nice enough place it was overrun in the summer by the residents of Limerick for their annual pilgrimage.

“I'll book it today” says he, smug in his decision

You'd think that we were planning a trip to Outer Mongolia they way the next few days went.

The ould lad had secured a wee house near the promenade in Kilkee and it was self catering, so no holiday for my Ma then. You'd have thought that he was the Quartermaster General for Marco Polo the way he was stocking up. He had painstakingly prepared a list and was loading boxes with non perishable foods and stuff. His brow was puckered as he racked his head for anything he may have missed.

“FFS Da, there will be shops, it's not the fecking North Pole” says I
“Feck off, I'm not paying holiday resort prices for anything” says he

My mother was patiently sitting this one out with a tolerant look on her face, like the way she would look at me when I was five. The ould lad had moved on from the non perishables and was now onto the clothing section. FFS the expedition has been upgraded to the level of Shackleton's trip to the South Pole.

“FFS Da, if we forget anything essential we are only an hour from home” says I
“Feck off you don't understand planning is everything” says he
“So's relaxing” says I

Well he just grunted and continued to plan the trek across the fecking Alps. We eventually loaded the car (good job it was an estate) and set off. The ould lad was driving and my mother and I drew lots to see who would get the front seat. I lost and had to sit in the front alongside a man who considered himself on a par with Juan Fangio. However, he was quite possible the worst driver ever. He had a healthy disrespect for any other road users and would be holding a one way torrent of abuse for the 40 miles we had to travel.

Closing your eyes was no good because he would dig you in the ribs.

“See that, did you see that FFS” says he
“Yes Da” says I
“Got his fecking licence in Woolworth's” says he
“Yes Da” says I

We passed Ennis and headed out towards the coast. But not before we had nearly creamed an old lady, frightened a couple of children and did his best to keep the car body workers in business.

“We will have a wee break in Inagh” says he
“If we get there in one piece” says me Ma from the back
“What?” says he
“Nothing” sighed she.

FFS we had been driving for 35 minutes and he was taking a break. We had the one drink which he demolished in two seconds flat.

“Come on we haven't got all day” says he as we tried to choke our drinks down.

“I will kill him” says me Ma as he walked out the door
“Join the queue” says I

We hit Kilkee just after 3pm and got the keys to the house. It was a nice wee house in a good spot near the sea and a couple of pubs.

“OK unload” orders he as he strolled towards the promenade. Shackleton had reached his destination and was revelling in his victory.

“I need a drink, we can unload later” says me Ma with a hint of childish rebellion
“Lead on McDuff, I'll get the first one” says I
“That you will” says she as we linked arms and headed for the nearest public house.

Contd

duke3016:

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