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Duke attempts the Impossible

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duke3016:
I awoke on the morning of our first full day on holiday strangely OK given the amount of drink and my late night swim. There was no sign of Laurel & Hardy which wasn't surprising, so I wandered down the street to get the morning papers and bumped into the bar owner.

“Did you get back OK last night” says he
“Aye, no bother” says I, not revealing the embarrassing late night swim.
“Will we see you later on” says he
“No doubt” says I
“Good, however it might be better if you walked home away from the ocean” he sniggered

FFS I should have known the story would have been common knowledge.

I went back to the house and my mother had surfaced. She was about to make breakfast and I settled down to read the paper. Then in comes the ould lad, looking like death warmed up.

“Jesus your eyes look terrible” says me Ma
“You should see them from this side” says he

He plonked himself down gently and groaned. You know what?  I was getting a little sadistic pleasure out of his discomfort. We spent the day wandering in the sunshine (yes the sun does shine sometimes in Ireland) stopping off for lunch in a small café on the front. The ould lad was obviously getting better as he complained about the price of everything and getting numerous digs in about my “swim” FML

We retired back to the house and I got ready to go out.

“You coming out tonight” says I
“Not this fecking early” says the ould lad
“See you in that pub later then” says I

I wandered on a bit of a pub crawl and made my way back to the pub when I was passing a newish Lounge bar that looked like it was bouncing and as I approached the door I saw the door open and out walked the odd couple, linked and staggering FFS, being escorted by two tuxed telly tubbies.

Later why my parents were thrown out of that lounge bar  priceless

duke3016:
Some of you may have read a previous tale about Nellie Hehir and her feet and how she frightened me. Well that formidable lady passed away last Monday aged 101. Great age, awesome woman.

duke3016:
I managed to get the sniggering odd couple back to the house without any water being involved. The ould lad was of course giving his rendition of “Swimming in the Dark” loosely set to “Dancing in the Rain” but with a few choice differences.

Safely tucked up I left them and wandered down to the pub for a few nightcaps and retired to bed at some hour of the morning. Of course the talk in the 'local' was about these two “older” people having a bit of a barney in the town. I of course kept my head down.

I awoke to the sound and smell of breakfast and wandered out into the kitchen. My Ma was at the stove preparing said fare and the ould lad was at the table waiting to demolish it.

“OK Da, why were you turfed out of that bar?” says I
“A complete misunderstanding” says he
“Yes that young lad misunderstood you alright” says my Ma
“He didn't start a row?” says I
“Not really” says the ould lad
“Ma?” says I

My mother then recounted the night's episode.

“When you left, your father and I decided to take a stroll and him being a constipated drinker, couldn't pass a pub, so we went in. There was a couple of pool tables in the bar area and the place was beginning to fill up. After a good few drinks your father decided he wanted a game of pool and he put down his 50p. When it was his turn a teenager shouted “Oi Granddad, your turn”.

Oh dear I could see where this was going to end up. Now I wasn't worried about the ould lad making a fool of himself, because he was quite a snooker player in his youth and we had many tangles at the pool table and he was really quite good.

“Well I told him to take it easy and just play the game, but no, his first act was to enquire whether this lad would like to play this granddad for money. The young lad being confident of course jumped at the chance and put a fiver down. Your father covered it, won the toss, broke and cleared the table save for the black, but he left the young lad snookered behind it. The young lad wasn't happy and started to shout abuse about hustlers and such like. Your father of course could not hold back and told this teenager where to go”.

I could imagine the interaction here and once again I knew where it was going.

“Anyway the young lad failed to pot anything and your father potted the black, scooped the money and was walking away when the young lad gripped his arm and demanded his money back or else, no prizes for guessing your father's next move”

I looked over at the ould lad and he was beaming from ear to ear.

“Your father promptly decked the young lad and decided that he was going to have a piece of his friends. The bouncers were taking an interest at this moment and started towards your father and when one of the bouncers fell over a stool it got a little messy and we were asked to leave the premises” 

“How did the bouncer fall over a stool” says I
“I must have accidentally pushed it in his path” she said sweetly.


FFS we were going to run out of pubs that we could go into..

duke3016:
Anyway today was Sunday so after breakfast we got ready and toddled off to midday mass to gain some celestial credits.

After mass the ould lad decided that we would head off down the coast road and cross the Shannon on the car ferry. My Ma and me flipped for the danger seat and she lost and took up position in the shotgun.

We headed off down the coast road and as usual the ould lad was driving with complete abandon down the single track roads and I was soon feeling a little queasy from all the buffeting I was getting in the back. We went to loop head lighthouse and spent the requisite 30 seconds looking at until when the ould lad shooed us into the car and we set of to the ferry.

I was hanging on for dear life for most of the trip and we arrived at the ferry and it was in on our side and we drove straight on. The ould lad of course complained bitterly, and loudly, about the price as we climbed out of the car for the 10 minute trip.

“Hey look, there's a funfair in Tarbert” says the ould lad
“You going on any wild rides” says my Ma
“Just had a fecking 40 minute one” says I

This elicited a withering look from the ould lad but he kept his counsel. We drove off the other side and found a nice pub for lunch washed down with one of the nicest pints of Guinness I have tasted. I could have stayed there all day but speedy Gonzales had other ideas and we headed back to the ferry.

I lost the flip and was in the front.

We had to wait for the ferry to cross which didn't improve the ould lad's temper. So much so that when we boarded, he was a tad enthusiastic with the loading and bumped into the car in front. Not a huge bump, but a bump none the less. He spent the whole trip across arguing with the other driver about how he braked too soon. FFS if he didn't brake he would have driven off the ferry into the Shannon.

As the damage was minimal they agreed that each of them was a complete b@stard and left it at that. The trip back was the usual mad roller coaster but we got back in one piece.

Thank God that night was fightless, swimless and Da singingless, and we retired for the night content with the world.

duke3016:
On the Monday after breakfast my Mother and me were just in the process of flipping for the ejector seat when the ould lad announced that today would be a day on the beach.

To be fair, it was a lovely day and although on the warmest of days the Atlantic was still cold, it would be nice to relax. We picked up some beach towels and a rug and I went to change into my swimming costume. I arrived out and they were still in civvies.

“You not going for a swim” says I
“Of course we are” says the ould lad
“Where's your cossy then” says I
“I'm not walking across the road undressed” says he
“They are under our street clothes” says my Ma

I didn't ask how they were going to change back after swimming on a public beach. Better left unsaid.

We crossed the road and down the steps to the beach, which was not really crowded and spread the rug. I deposited my towel and headed for the ocean. The water was bound to be freezing, but being the hard man (show off?) I just ran into the water and dived into the surf.

OMG it was fecking freezing and I thought my heart had stopped, but after the initial shock it was quite pleasant and the waves were high enough for a bit of body surfing. I was enjoying myself when I noticed a rather cute thing in a bikini testing the water with her toe.

I wandered over and gave her a bit of encouragement and she slowly dipped down eventually immersing herself in the water. We were getting on like a house on fire when I saw her staring at the beach with a look of amazement. I followed her line of sight.

FFS it was like a scene out of “Upstairs Downstairs” my mother had a one piece swimsuit on that was high in the collar and I swear it would not have looked out of place at a Victorian beach party. The ould lad has a costume on and, how can I describe it? Remember Kirk Douglas in “Spartacus” with the costume high up on the waist, well apart from the physique that was what the suit was like.

They made an absolute picture walking down arm in arm to the waters edge.

“Who are they” sniggered the wee girl
“My parents” I sighed
“Oh I am sorry” says she
“Not as sorry as I am” says I “Watch though, this should be good”.

The ould lad unlinked from my mothers arm and strode into the water, and strode twice as quick out, trying to make his retreat look dignified and failing miserably. My mother walked up to about waist height.

“Come on Michael it's not that bad” says she

Not to be outdone the ould lad walked up beside her and she promptly pushed him hard in the chest so that he fell back with a splash. He got up spluttering and delivered the same to my mother.

The row started in earnest then with words and pushes galore. I went to separate them and as I did they stopped and were in hysterics splashing at each other like little children. I left them alone.

“Nice people, they seem to know how to enjoy themselves” says the wee girl
“Hmm, stick around, tonight could get lively” says I
“I'd love to” says she looking me straight in the eye

contd....

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